Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

The point of Eton is the education, including in art, music and sport , and the extra curricular activities in general. Howard Hodgkin, the painter, once called it ‘a university for children’.

I knew farmers who sent all of their kids to private boarding school and ate the same dinner every single night because they struggled to afford the fees. It’s not uncommon where parents make sacrifices for their children.

Is there any way to increase the bursary? Or is there any other scholarships he can apply to? Is there any way you can get a higher paying job?

Exactly. The vast majority of Old Etonians, like the majority of people who attend Oxbridge, lead entirely ordinary subsequent lives.

One shudders to think of the unfortunate child being held to account by financially shredded parents because he didn't construe being at school with X and Y into a life of corner offices, handmade shoes and a place in the south of France.

OP - I would contact the school and tell them that to meet the fees you will have to mortgage the house. This is not how any of our bursary applications worked. We were always offered fee's at a level we could manage.
If they REALLY want your ds, they will accommodate you financially.

Please don’t remortgage your house.

Uniform. They grow quicker than you think and the shoes, oh gosh, the shoes, the trainers, the rugby boots, the astroturf boots, the cricket gear
Never ending sports kit upgrades
School trips
Duke of Edinburgh
Skiiing holidays
Sports trip to South Africa
Music lessons
Weekly spending money

Eton would bill you for your son’s every breath as an extra-curricular cost if they could and then whack 20% on top.

His cohort will be dripping money. I know two families who put their boys through Eton and finally finished last year.

If he is really going to get all 9s and A*s then keep him home and put the money towards his student accommodation costs to keep his student loan down.

Your ultimate goal is perhaps a top university - Cambridge, Oxford, UCL, St Andrews - and, if he's going to get 9s anyway at GCSE then I'd save independent school worries until he goes into the sixth form. You absolutely need A*s and As at A level, plus any extra exams (STEP, MCATs etc) dependent on subject - that would be my focus. It gives you a few years to breath, save, and be his mum.

Congratulations to your son. @ArtHistory in a very significant achievement. Eton is a brilliant school and will open up world beating opportunities to learn and develop. If your DS is a self-starter they will offer him scope to explore, test and create as well as benefit from excellent teaching.

I think the responses you've been receiving here reflect antipathy to the Eton brand, rather than experience in the question you are asking. If you had named a school that was less of a household name, I think you would get fewer responses but they would be more constructive and less unkind. Perhaps wait a fortnight then try a thread like "Is Oundle school worth a financial stretch".

It sounds to me like it would be worth re-engaging with the Admissions and Bursary teams to explore whether their offer still meets your need and could be revisited. Eton is a very generous and wealthy school and has the means to ensure boys they really want can join- and stay for all five years. I do think if your circumstances changed for the worse while he was a pupil, Eton would reassess and adjust your support, but it would be wise to have the conversation up-front.

One disadvantage of selection processes that start so far upstream is that it's hard to envisage at 10 who and what the boy will be at 13. You should anticipate that Y9 is quite tough for all boys starting to board FT at any senior school that is big, demanding and strange to them. On the other hand, Eton is used to this and understands how to get new pupils settled and doing well. If there is an opportunity experience some boarding beforehand that could help allay your anxieties and his- but most children don't board for prep school so he won't be very unusual if he doesn't.

Nobody who isn't sighted on your particular financial picture and prospects can tell you whether you would be sane or mad to remortgage your home to afford Eton. I'm not sure the school would want you to have to do it, which is why you should probably speak candidly to them rather than MN! And try to filter out those whose responses are more about reacting to the historical reputation of Eton as an institution, and less about your child and your family.

Yes, I am quite familiar with these schools.

I just gave my advice, given op's resume of her situation.

This pretty much sums it up for me too sadly!

It's completely reasonable, and not trollish in the slightest, to comment on the overall morality/values/ethics/psychology of a broad course of action if it strongly contrasts with your own - even if the OP is asking about one particular.

If it were not, posters asking how they might dissuade their DD from a relationship with a black man would be able to post unmolested, on the basis that they were not asking for opinions on racism, but on daughter dissuasion.

I went to boarding school and hated it and went from a straight 9s student to just about getting through as o was so unhappy. I went thinking it would be all
midnight feasts and jolly japes but the reality was different. I think you need to think carefully about a financial fall back/safety net as if one of you suddenly becomes unexpectedly life changing ill or has an accident you will face losing both your home and school place. If he is a great student and all rounder you would be better to keep him grounded in a local school and support his extra curricular. Wit h the top boarding schools there are non stop top ups and extras for trips, activities, expensive laptops/programmesand activities. There is a lot of rivalry and snobbery and being expected to keep up with e fashions etc and it is very easy to not fit in and becomes apparent who is on a bursary. It’s elitist and there is a lot of hazing and bullying. Eton is not for the normal well adjusted middle class kid especially if they are sensitive

I went to a boarding school and absolutely loved. I formed some very good, lifelong friendships. Some of my friends have also sent their children to the same school (and are the third or fourth generation of their family to do so). No one on this thread can say if your son would enjoy or be well suited to that kind of environment.

I wouldn't be against remortgaging my house under the right circumstances but I would want to discuss this further with people who have actual lived experience - MN is certainly the wrong forum for that.

Your parents must be very proud of you. I’m a single mother with a daughter in a private school and I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. It is a massive financial commitment but I have no regrets so far.

The fees will go up by a sizeable chunk each year. He's got a better chance of first uni choice from a state school. You can fill in the gaps on activities. All that said, we sacrificed much for a well regarded boarding school for our 3. It gives a child confidence and independence that they might not get living at home and if you live near the school you can see your son regularly. The head of Eton is progressive in terms of what the school does to support others less fortunate. You could perhaps try it for age 13 to 16 then choose a good 6th form college for A levels. Hopefully he can still keep in with his old school friends and they won't be too chippy about him going off to the 'posh' school. Best of luck. It's quite a decision either way.

I went to Cambridge with quite a few ex-Etonians. The nicest one absolutely hated it and would never send his own kids there. He wasn't anti-Private education but his own kids go to a more normal Independent day school. Many other people I know who went there are some of the worst people I've ever met in my life. I dated someone who went to Winchester. The emotionally stunted thing is not a myth.

If Private is the route you want to go down, somewhere like Haberdashers or whatever will still have great facilities but will set your son up much better for being in the world with normal people. But I'd pick a grammar plus budget for tutors/extracurriculars any day.

Etonian contacts will not set you up for life these days, they really won't. It will alienate more people than you realise.

This may have been already mentioned but can you go back to Eton and discuss a change in your financial status?

I know some people who went to public school, including ones named on here. They are normal and well-adjusted people.

This is true as well. Straight 9s from Eton count for a lot less than straight 9s from a comprehensive school, and the fact that he was intelligent and curious before he went to Eton is irrelevant because all etonians could say that.

I really wouldn't. He will be at school with boys who are staggeringly wealthy and though there may be some exceptions, they stick together. He won't be able to afford to socialise with them in the holidays or at uni. You will be under financial pressure and he'll feel that pressure emotionally.

Send him to the grammar where he can mix with bright, studious boys like him. Spend a fraction of the money on extra curricular snd amazing holidays or put it aside to help through uni/driving/house deposit.

Unless you are super rich and want your child to mix with people you consider to be from elite families to forge contacts across the globe, I can't imagine how Eton could be better than a well run grammar.

The important thing is for him to be in an environment where it's cool to be clever and curious, cool to work hard and think critically. You don't need Eton for that. Watch him grow up. Hug him every night. Be there when he has wobbles.

If he is really going to get all 9s and As then keep him home and put the money towards his student accommodation costs to keep his student loan down.

This is an excellent point. He would benefit far more from you saving as much as possible between now and him going to university, allowing him to hopefully leave university debt-free. The student loans are crippling graduates.

It sounds like you are putting enormous financial pressure on yourself. I know you don't want a debate about boarding school here, but you must be aware that there are significant potential pitfalls - socially and psychologically. Add to that you son's awareness of how much you will be sacrificing to keep him there and - eek. There's a real chance of that all coming crashing down on him if / when things get tough for him as an older teen.

Also - that school in particular comes with a huge social stigma which your son will have to carry throughout his life - it will of course open the door to some circles (circles he can't actually afford to keep up with), but make it difficult for him to move in others. I was at university with a fair few Etonians, and remember the look of panic that passed across their faces when they were asked where they went to school. Would they tell the truth? Would they mumble something about going to school "near Windsor" or "near Slough". They were bracing themselves for judgement. And it came.

To look at this another way - if your son is likely to achieve similar grades via the other very good school options open to you, and if you can largely plug the sports / music gaps - why not save him the social disadvantage and "ick" factor of being marked by Eton, and save up your excess money to help him on his way after he graduates? A pot of money could help him to live in London while interning if he enters the type of job where that is necessary. Or it's a deposit on a flat. It lets him take the long-way round career wise instead of being pressured straight into a high paying job to make his parents' enormous investment in him "worth it."

Have you asked him what he wants?

Apart from the fact that your maths is wrong - there around 9 million school pupils in total ie in all years in 2024/5 - if you look on the boarding recovery website they list a total of 21 therapists nationwide.

I've not read every post, but think I've picked up much of the flavour. Hope this might be a useful additional perspective.

We stretch ourselves to send 2 children to a much less prestigious (but decent) local private school. I've often wondered if this is the right move. They are both bright and would probably do well in most environments. I've often contemplated what we might provide for them if we invested the money instead and gave it to them when they were 21 - that's enough to make anyone think twice, especially post-VAT. But we stick with it because (a) they are really happy there, (b) we feel that education (and the surrounding opportunities that a good school can provide) are incredibly important and (c) we can probably still make at least reasonable provision for them in future.

I don't think its crazy to consider remortgaging to do this. I'd think it through very very carefully (as you are doing), and might or might not decide that it didn't make sense, but I'd certainly give it serious consideration. Eton has a huge amount to offer for the right child. It's a fantastic opportunity and might be life changing for your child - though only you will know that. If, on careful thought, it seems to be the right place, its worth investing in.

Hope that is of some assistance!

Kind of hoping this is a wind up. The fees are the tip of the iceberg for this school. How will you afford the extra curriculars?

My expensive education ended up being a massive waste of money that I still feel guilty about over 2 decades later. Some of my friends did very well out of the contacts (mostly through other student's parents). It’s a bit of a gamble. I wouldn’t choose private for my own children- I remember many kids had the impression that their value was somehow intrinsically higher than other people’s because they must have come from “better stock”.
I was embarrassed about having the worst car, without realising how lucky I was to have one. I didn’t want to get a summer job that would have done me a world of good, because my friends had fancy internships. Granted this is only my experience from long ago, but I wouldn’t stretch myself financially if he’s otherwise going to do very well.