Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

I agree with this. DH has worked for two decades in top boarding schools, and they do offer fantastic education and opportunities. However I’ve definitely come to realise that it’s not enough to be at the school, to get the full advantage you have to be connected to the right set within these schools. The schools are part of a larger social system.

When was this? And (if not too outing) - what was the industry? There is a real squeamishness about employing public school boys these days - it looks much better for the person doing the hiring if they can show they are diversifying their workforce.

The network is simply more international these days especially if you want to make it in business. It’s extremely useful to know a few Italian, Chinese, Indian, Norwegian etc connected families and stay in touch long term. In fact, some of the British brigade are limiting themselves with snobbery towards the international elite.
A lot of kids across different schools know each other now and it is way beyond British upper class.

OK well it was a while ago (cringe) late 80s! Finance industry.

Times have changed.

This.
And in ten years time it will have changed significantly.

The employment market is changing completely though and for the younger generation it is much more about doing your own thing, being creative, having your own network to launch something, whether here or as a digital nomad. Their world is completely different to ours. Having the confidence, self awareness and social and mathematical and creative skills etc. You either believe elite schools like Eton that have been going for 800 years are fully funded and full of rich kids from all over the world are best place to navigate that new environment or not. Only those lacking in confidence, care one hoot about left wing politics and bias here.

DHs firm is very right on on recruitment blind cvs etc. No chance of him getting dd1 a job! Think the world is changing on that.

Exams he can pass anywhere. You don’t go to any of these schools solely to pass exams. If he’s as bright as you say then he’ll be okay wherever he goes. BUT, Eton or any of the other £60k + p.a. boarding schools will give him the opportunity to make friends with other boys who will, in the fullness of time, be influential in society/business/the arts/etc. ….. Also his mindset will be different to someone from the local comp, he will develop an unfettered global view and a confidence that will hold him in very good stead. These are the things you are paying for. In my experience, the amount of money that a boy’s parents earn or the type of house they live in will not be of any particular interest to the other boys. At my old school there were parents who owned stately homes and arrived by helicopter and others who drove Minis and Fords. Now, in my daughter’s year group there’s a girl whose father sold part of his business for £55m and one whose parents work for the MOD at local level….
Depending on your, or you DH’s background you may find that your son ends up with attitudes that do not necessarily coalesce with your own, but that can happen anyway.
So, it’s not unusual for parents to make financial sacrifices for their children and if you accept that there will be things which will now be out of your financial grasp, then go ahead and give him the chance.
My parents had me down for Eton if I failed the Common Entrance for Ampleforth, the ‘Catholic Eton’.

I don’t think the church would be liable but the Early Years alliance talks of risk assessment and health and safety and neither of these will go away with an “organised” group. Ok, it’s not organised but I’m not sure all parents won’t be liable. They are not avoiding legislation because they refuse to have a committee. Of course safety should be a priority and who collects money for drunks, puts out play equipment, speed to church etc. The church is also wrong for not expecting a committee and a named contact. Who do they speak to about the booking and who hands over the money for the room? It’s a foolhardy enterprise though.

@ProcrastinatorsAnonymous
There is a real squeamishness about employing public school boys these days.
If recruitment is blind, how do they know if they are employing a privately educated person?

They’ll be able to tell in the interview.

They’ll be able to tell in the interview

Do they ask the applicant where they went to school? If so and then they turn him/her down on the grounds they went to private school then they should warn privately educated people not to bother applying as it’s wasting everybody’s time.

The trick is to do ‘A’ levels at a good state school … the most common practice these days seems to be …State till eight ….private 8-16 ….then state again

The recruitment partner I spoke to said they valued the candidate who could get on with clients of all sorts. The girl they gave the training contract to had worked on a caravan park for years and it had taught her to deal with all sorts of people and challenging circumstances! She got the job - type of school irrelevant.

I don’t think you will find it will be amazing for him! What you will find is that some of the boys will treat him very differently as you come from a different social background. And it has a long history of bullying which isn’t dealt with well!

The fact you have to remortgage to raise the rest of the fees is madness as you cannot predict the future. All it will take is redundancy or god forbid ill health and you will be in an even more precarious position!

Have you thought how you will fund trips and other incidental expenses as those won’t be covered by the bursary?

It sounds like you like the idea of being able to say my son goes to Eton as no one would do what you’re doing with out a solid financial background

I met a woman at a work social she was literally “my name is x I work at x my son goes to x (other big name school). Absolute cringe!

The Ampleforth rated inadequate by Ofsted over safeguarding concerns? This Ampleforth? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4ge28331xzo
Worth it for the "unfettered global view"...?

Or just have a clever kid.

Yes, well, these things happen. If you bother to dig a little deeper I think you’ll find they’ve sorted this out now. I never witnessed any of that while I was there.

I was referring to the bias against public school educated children .Even a clever kid might do better in a less crowded classroom

If you can afford it, which you can as you’ve got a bursary place, then absolutely take the place. The years there will fly by and are foundational, setting the direction for the rest of his life. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.

"these things happen"?!!

The Ofsted safeguarding issues were 2022.

I'm going to conclude you are trolling.

I’m not trolling. These things do happen. Any environment where children are concentrated will inevitably be attractive to perverts. Some of these perverts will go undetected for a while and, whether you like it or not, this is the verifiable truth.
It appears from your posts on this subject that you are against private education per se. Unfortunately this blinkered attitude leaves your opinions without value.

That can happen at any school. My concern would be at boarding school they are more vulnerable. Hopefully not these days.

Still traumatised by the documentary See no evil on that horrific religious man (Smyth?) who beat boys now men at I think Winchester? The one that caused the Archbishop of Canterbury to lose his job anyway