Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

Don’t do it! A family member secured a full scholarship to Eton. He had a mental breakdown at 18 after he was rejected from all of his university choices - the oxbridges all chose students with connections or famous relatives. Whilst the cost of Eton wasn’t high- trips were extortionate and missed out on or at the expense of a family holiday. Your DS will thrive wherever they go and it’s much better to spend that money on family time whilst you can.

It's amazing he has this chance, and I'm sure you would manage somehow.
I would send him. Because he will have such an all-round experience. This isn't about the academics, as you say, although a 9 from one school is arguably not the same as a 9 from another, in terms of fullness of education.
I think it's the chance of a life time, and it will change his life, so I would in no way turn it down.

As for not seeing him every day, well tbh as he will be 13 then you're entering a tunnel of doom now for a few years where you won't see much of him anyhow ... so instead of him being in his room all the time, he'll be somewhere where there is discipline and activity and a balance that would be v hard for you to match/impose at home. Just make the most of it when he is home.

the oxbridges all chose students with connections or famous relatives.

@TiredMummma that’s interesting. How did the universities know about their famous relatives?
Also, what were they famous for?

I went to two different boarding schools. One was very down to earth with a strong inclusive ethos and pupils from all walks of life. I loved boarding there. Did it affect my relationship with my parents? Yes I think it did, in both positive and negative ways.

The other was a much posher and more trad prep school (yes a number of pupils then went on to Eton and similar). I felt very "educated" having gone there and I had incredible opportunities in all areas which I'm grateful for - but I really felt the weight of being "poor" compared to contemporaries (moreso at a young age), and didn't feel able to have a healthy conversation with my parents about it. It caused me quite a bit of upset and I was even low level bullied over it.

I would also add - we are currently stretching ourselves financially to send DC private (not anything like Eton and for VERY different reasons) and the stress is real. Don't underestimate the impact that financial stress can have on all aspects of your life. I'm constantly turning social things down (things like going out for lunch, hen dos, days out with kids) and trying to trim the weekly shop and it's a bit miserable. If you do it you must promise yourself you won't fret over it.

I actually think successful people (a certain kind of success) actually tend (or are more inclined) to lack empathy whether or not they went to public school, grammar school, state school or homeschool. It goes hand in hand with a certain inbuilt steeliness rather than their educational background I think.

@Calliopespa i agree, but I suppose if the author of the book mentioned by RamasterRobin were to say that then the book would lose its unique selling point of Boarding School produces Emotional Voids.

I actually think boarding school can be wonderful in the right circumstances and for the right child.

Like most things, there is no blanket, one size fits all answer.

@ArtHistory I am sorry - you’ve come
on here hoping for experience and insight and instead you’ve got 15 pages from people sounding off who have zero first hand knowledge about Eton - or any modern boarding school at all; people who once met an Etonian they didn’t like and have decided that the tens of thousands of people who’ve been through the school must all be exactly the same; and people giving you strident financial advice knowing no pertinent details of your situation.

FWIW I had a bursary and my parents also remortgaged to pay the balance of fees. It was overall worth it to move from state grammar to private for me. In my experience at the grammar school, pupils were more judgmental and cliquey than the independent school ones, it was not cool to be obviously good at things, and there was a lot of verbal bullying, physical threats and fighting. As a PP said, mean kids exist everywhere. Having said that there were also issues with the school I moved to, specific to its leadership and direction at the time. My parents didn’t know any better though, and didn’t shop around, which was a mistake looking back. There were better-run independent schools I could have attended at that time. But it did the job in the sense I escaped a school I was miserable at, then later got into a top university, and then into a good job - and I also knew exactly what to look for and what to avoid in schools for my DC.

OP if you take the emotion out of it and draw up a spreadsheet of projected income and outgoings over the next 8-10 years (including covering uni years which will be expensive although there are student loan options), can you survive and how many years before you revert to financial stability? And allow for unforeseen/rainy days, inflation, cost of living, illness, etc. Don't ignore the risk of negative equity. It's great you have secure jobs but the world is very uncertain now. Who knows what job opportunities will look like when your son finishes education, he may well need support way beyond aged 21. So long as the math works out from an affordability PoV then I would approach this like any other expenditure, as it sounds like you are very happy with the school and the boarding elements. Either you can cope with the financial burden and risks, or you can't. Only you can answer this.

Re: family dynamic and parent-child bond. I think there was less emphasis on this in the past than there is now (I'm talking 1930s-50s). Parents were a bit more distant and less involved in their children's lives than they are today. No chance of helicopter parenting! Most didn't really know their children's inner most thoughts and feelings. In some families it was really a case of children being seen and not heard, in the rest, children and teenagers just got on with their own thing spending little close emotional time with parents. So while children might have missed the familiarity of home if they boarded "in the old days" I don't think they would have spent a large amount of time with their parents had they been at home anyway.

It's a bit different these days, I think. Parents are much more involved in their child's day to day lives and seem to just know them better than previous generations of parents did. Maybe if your child is mainly brought up by a nanny because both parents are working 60 hour weeks, or work away, and the children spend a lot of time on hobbies and sports also away from parents, then boarding school may seem to make sense as it wouldn't be so different from normal family life. Because the children are already used to you not being there.

But for most parents these days that parent-child bond is very tight and it can be hugely upsetting to both sides to put a sudden stop to that, and have that emotional refuge disappear. Children have to recreate that away at school, and if they are not able to, because they don't particularly click with the people they room with, or they have some neurodivergence, or they are a bit different in some other way, then that can be quite emotionally damaging. It is stressful for their mind and body.

I would ask parents who really stretch themselves financially how they would feel if after 2 or 3 years of sacrificing everything financially, their child confessed that they were absolutely miserable and had always hated it. Even worse, what if they DIDN'T confess their misery, BECAUSE they were aware of your financial sacrifices.

He will be more grateful for a flat deposit. Also how will you afford to put him through uni?

I would be very wary of putting myself under such financial pressure.

Also, is DS your only DC? It would make a huge difference if he has siblings that would be going to regular State schools ... I wouldn't want to split the family like that.

One other thing, when you do do the maths on affordability do bear in mind there are zero guarantees these days on well-paid jobs for uni graduates. So paying for education is not an investment but a luxury/expenditure, albeit a luxury you may still value over anything else. And that's fine. He may end up struggling to find a job at a salary level that historically you'd have expected with a "posh" school pedigree. I work in the City, I haven't come across a public school educated graduate hire in a long time; it's mostly super motivated, clever and down to earth overseas graduates, and now with A.I. those entry level roles are fast diminishing. I'm encouraging my very academic kids to go into trades (but so far failing to convince them), Of course he may not have any inclination to white-collar professions anyway. And one other note, include pension planning in your affordability calcs, I was shocked at how quickly my focus switched (almost overnight) from budgeting to pay for expensive childcare to panic about pension projections. Life is very short indeed. Good luck whatever you decide. The answer will be in a spreadsheet :) Or speak to an IFA - you can often get a first consultation on reasonable terms.

haha. nobody is saying that you need to feel sorry for boarders, but if the OP is considering remortgaging because of some imagined “network” or status that going to boarding school might give her son (as a PP suggested) then she ought to be told it’s a bad idea.

@Yolo12345 both my children put theirselves through uni , they both self funded had gap years worked , saved and got jobs at uni too .

I don't think this would automatically open doors for people (men) any more; in fact it could go in the opposite direction.

You clearly can't afford it and your lifestyle will mean that he won't fit in. This isn't scrimping a bit to get your kid into a local private, where there will be a mix of backgrounds. This will be extremely privileged (entitled) boys, who grow up to be politicians for shits and giggles, not because they need a job.

At no point do you even mention concerns for his welfare.

OP isn’t coming back, is she?

Thing is it’s not really something you can ask advice on as it’s so subjective. Would I send a child to an elite boarding school and put myself in penury to do so ? Err no. Others may think it’s a marvellous idea and a window on a new world.

A family member socialises with the public school billionaire set ( we are far from that). Not sure going to a particular school is enough. You are either in the group naturally or you bring something to the group. Just being at the school isn’t enough.

Yes, Eton is one of the 8 schools that send more pupils to Oxbridge than all other schools put together.

The thing is going to a school in the Eton group ( Eton, Kings, St Pauls, etc) you are far more likely to end up at a top University.

As someone who sits on graduate recruitment, if I'm being horribly brutally honest, there are 5 Uni's that stand head and shoulders above all Russell group Uni's - Oxford, Cambridge, Imperial , LSE, UCL and at a push Warwick.

It barely makes sense to get into so much debt and investment of time for anywhere else, just as top Prep schools sell the dream of top senior schools, top senior schools sell the dream of top Uni's

That's simply not true.

The same way anyone has favour when they see someone from your old school, as 'one of us', and Eton ( as a school at the heart of the establishment) has lots and lots of men in positions of power , gatekeepers.

Even if you allow for blind graduate selection, Eton is one of 8 schools that sends more to Oxbridge than ALL school combined,

How on Earth can you say 'it doesn't open doors' your dreaming.

Please name some of these doors in today’s world, nay in 2035.

@phoneisoff They are highly selective schools! The super selective grammars send plenty to top unis too. Bright people have bright dc and they populate these schools. However plenty of their dc go to other unis and why not? Some are musical and artistic too. It’s a broad spectrum of talent at most boarding schools.

Regarding the debate about attendance at public school opening doors, it is still a fact. I went to a minor public school (and loved it!), and when I went for my first job, I was interviewed firstly by a senior Director and secondly by the Manager I would be working for. The Director told the Manger in no uncertain terms that I would be taken on whatever he thought of me as I had been to xxxx school!!