Boarding School wobble

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So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

I agree with this.

I remember being bullied by a couple of girls at school, but at least I could go home to my nice mum and nice bedroom every afternoon and get away from them. If I'd had to live with them, I think it would have driven me crazy.

Still struggling to think of circumstances when Eton would be the back up school for Ampleforth.
Ampleforth seems to enjoy the 'Eton of the North' tag but I've yet to hear Eton termed the 'Ampleforth of the South' .

It would be awful to have to pull him out because you can’t afford to keep sending him. I’d go back and look at your finances and check this is something that you can afford to do for the duration.

Struggle no more ….Eton was my parents’ choice of back up to Ampleforth. Ampleforth was where my father and grandfather went to school and Eton was, in the mid-late 60s a much easier school to get into regarding the Common Entrance exams.

@Kokonimater You don’t see everyone though do you? The happy well adjusted ones who loved it? That thrived and made the best friends for life? In every choice made about dc, parents get it wrong. Not every child thrives in the school chosen but these days boarding from 13, or 11, is often flexible and avoids commutes to school. Plenty to recommend it and outdated views are not helpful.

Can day schools ‘control all the time how children treat each other’? Can we, as adults, control all the time how adults treat each other? Maybe managing unpleasant situations with one’s childhood peers prepares one better for adult life than constant cosseting?

Is your son a very emotionally robust and confident boy? Can he stand up for himself in difficult situations?
Does he ever worry or feel anxious? Does he sleep well and able to self soothe?
can he make friends easily and keep friendships? As I said in a previous post - emotional and mental health has to take precedent. Only you know how he will cope

@Thevalueofeverythingandthecostofnothing Completely agree. Schools understand some dc are a bit reticent, unsure and need encouragement to participate in what’s available. They are skilled in supporting dc to flourish. If a dc needs their own home and mum every night, don’t choose boarding.

My views are not outdated. Speak to any other psychotherapist.

If children have a safe and happy home to return to that would be the best option. No one mentioned cosseting.

As it happens, I mentioned cosseting. In the general sense. Some might say that a child who remains at home until he/she goes to university is a less well equipped child. On going to university a child is thrown into the deep end… new town/city, new people, new living quarters, new coping with everything which their parents have, to a degree, coped with, for them, previously. I fully expect that in your professional capacity as a talking therapist you will have treated many who can’t cope in those circumstances. I know from discussions with Clinical Psychologists that university coping can be very difficult for young adults.

Boarding dc cope very well with university. As you would expect them to. If parents have forced boarding on a dc not up for it, the child could be unhappy. They can leave and go to another school. It’s not the fault of boarding schools, it’s the wrong fit when dc don’t like it. We do love to blame schools but really it’s parents who get it wrong.

@Kokonimater thank you for your posts. Quiet good sense.

I would suggest calling the Bursars office OP, for a frank chat. I know you wouldn't want it to back fire but I think there's a strong chance they would be open to reassessing your award. At least let them know that your disposable income is less than it was when the assessment was done.

Ex boarders are brilliant at university they know all the tricks of communal living. My best uni friend was an ex public school girl boarder funnily enough Dd in her first year and has a similar friend from Sherborne

That's the whole point, highly selective public school gears up boys for highly selective Universities.

If OP sends her DS to Eton, given the long standing excellent track record in feeding the top Uni's, it has to be an advantage. Eton group schools are far more likely to push a borderline candidate than a state school, and the masters at the school will have expert knowledge the exact course and college the pupil should apply to.

I was disgusted when I was drafted in for my corporate graduate trainee selection and we binned EVERYONE outside of 5, just FIVE universities ( Oxbridge, LSE, UCL and Warwick. We had brilliant applicants from solid russell grp Uni's like Durham and York and very good non-russell grp like Bath, didn't even get a look in.

In 2035 with the widening wealth gap, I imagine it will be down to 3, Oxbridge and Imperial.

It's worth remembering that boarding school pupils are home for 20 weeks of the year for holidays, plus Exeat weekends every 3 weeks (Friday lunchtime to Sunday night) Plus often home every Sunday. Plus concerts, plays, matches etc that parents can go and watch once or twice a week as well.
Some replies on here make it sound like you wouldn't see your child for weeks on end!

How long ago was that?! It’s all blind cvs and being right on now! Well in firms I know about anyway.

@Kokonimater - I am interested in the nuance of this. So a boy who has a very strong relationship with his mother and confides regularly about his feelings and worries, how does that change when he goes to boarding school and still has access to tech? Surely he can still speak to his mother regularly?
Is it the boarding school that causes the attachment issues or the fact that there was never a close existing relationship in the first place?
And how important is the paternal relationship and good role modelling there?

I have actually heard the opposite from some of my female colleagues who sent their boys to well regarded boarding schools. That they became more communicative and open with their mums once there.

@whatisheuptoThats because they comment on subjects they know nothing about! The vast majority of dc are fine. The key is to know your dc! If they cannot manage away from parents, they cannot. For the more confident kid wanting to experience new things and who sees school as something that’s part of them, it’s a very good choice. My DDs said it was their second family and second home.

@Thevalueofeverythingandthecostofnothing seeing as we're on ampleforth and you too had several generations of relatives attend, you'll know that it took decades for the monks to be separated from the boys and that abuse happened in several of the houses under many different members of staff. Brushing off massive historic and recent safeguarding failures (aka rape) like you seem to be doing, is pretty offensive tbh.

About 16-17 years ago my friends applied to Christs Hospital for a bursary they were both in good jobs but couldn’t afford the then £32k a year fees out of their salaries. But as they had a lot of equity in a very nice London house which they bought relatively cheaply in 1994 before the area experienced significant gentrification and even in 2009 was worth well over a million Christs told them to remortgage. After lots of agonising they didn’t and their DC went to the local independent day school.

I’m not brushing it off. I went there and witnessed none of this. My brother went there and witnessed none of this. My father and grandfather went there and I doubt they’d have sent their sons if they had witnessed any of this. What can I say? It happened at Ampleforth, Downside and many other non monastic schools as well where each school tended to operate like a mini, autonomous state. Now that safeguarding measures are in place, the children should be safe. And feel safe. Of course it is massively regrettable but hopefully it is a thing of the past and we should rightly remember the damage done to arm us against any sort of recurrence. Although victims of this a very much alive and still suffering it might reassure potential parents/pupils that a very close eye is being kept. As it should be, not only in the schools that I’ve mentioned but in all schools both within the private sector and within the network of State schools few of which have an unblemished history if you look closely enough.

@Araminta1003 i speak to my son every day at his boarding school , we can visit every Wednesday and Saturday for matches .

Not sure if you’re asking me these questions. So don’t know how to respond. I do not disagree with anything you’re saying.