Boarding School wobble

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So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

We haven’t sent DS to boarding school as he’s too young! But me and 2 DSIS went, my parents made some sacrifices to send 3 of us, but not remortgage or retirement crippling sized sacrifices.
When I went a lot of kids were funded by GP / bursaries and parents had average ish jobs. I know kids that went to the local state school who were bullied more for not having the right trainers or parents not driving an Audi, so I wouldn’t worry about fitting in. I found the very well off kids were far more accepting.
Personally I loved it, don’t let posters with no experience of boarding put you off, my DSIS didn’t like boarding so she stopped and went daily, so I know it’s not for everyone. Has your DS done a taster day? My DF boarded and BILs too and they are all fairly normal 🤣 DF went to cranleigh (although in the 50/60s) and DBILs harrow and Sherborne (all similar-ish to Eton).
Whilst I loved school and I really appreciate the opportunity i had, I don’t think I’d remortgage or set my own future back to send DS. We could probably afford it with some adjustments and my DP would help us out if needed, but we have decided we are going to save the money and pay for uni/ house deposit instead. There are lots of extras as well, uniforms when I went 30 years ago were £1800+, music lessons (everyone plays an instrument), trips, books, drama lessons etc.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne

Here’s one of the comments:
None of them knows how to do anything for themselves. They’ve had everything done for them their whole life, either at school or at home. They’re not particularly nice, partly as they have no interest in socialising with people who aren’t like themselves

If someone wrote a similar comment “we know some state school kids who are chavs and not particularly nice and very thick”

Do you think those comments are acceptable?

Yes, but it’s embarrassing admitting you went to mega posh school when someone inevitably asks. This kid will get top grades anywhere. He needs to live with his family. It’s a no brainer

What prompted you to apply? Wouldn’t even occur to me if there were decent local schools.

I do not have any experience of boarding schools or Eton but did send DS to a private school that was a stretch for us financially. It was totally worth it (although not sure I could have coped with boarding away).

But what I came on here to say is that if your financial circumstances have changed or been impacted by cost of living, you should contact the school's bursar to let them know. A couple of times, we struggled to make up the extra money (on a 70% bursary) and the school increased the amount to help us out. Once they even paid for a school trip abroad for DS. They did not want him to miss out on experiences his peers had access to.

Private schools have been attacked by this government and it has undermined their ability to support lower income families, so it may not be the case anymore which is a shame. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Goodness, thanks for this. Brilliant interview. I've gone right down the rabbit hole on this subject, that substack is riveting stuff!

Look up boarding school syndrome. It isnt a given for every ex boarder of course but worth having knowledge of. In Scotland laws have changed and under 16s can’t board anymore. There was an awesome debate in parliament on it by Nick duffel who also wrote Wounded Healers, a fascinating book.

i think if your son is older and can decide for himself (or change his mind) that is ideal. I hope you find what’s best for your family, best of luck.

aka men in powerful positions who went to boarding school, prime ministers etc )who have zero capacity for empathy or emotional engagement.

@RamasterRobin were these just Conservative politicians who the author of this book considered to have zero capacity for empathy etc?
Or was Tony Blair also included?

@38thparallel I’ve since deleted that as didnt think it was helpful for OP I just genuinely find this topic interesting. And I believe Tony Blair is mentioned it isnt particular to a party nor just politics. Mark Zuckerberg comes to mind

You say he can be himslef at Eton, but do you really think he can fit in there if you're going to be in so much financial difficulty? His peers will be the most affluent in the country, is he going to have much in common with them? Will they be talking about ski holidays, wearing designer clothing and having the latest tech whilst your DS is from a family struggling to pay the mortgage?
Would it be worse for him to not go at all or to start and then have to leave a year or two in because you can't afford it?
It's great that you're willing to sacrifice so much to do what you think is best for his education, but maybe when you look at the bigger picture, it isn't the best option.

Personally, I couldn’t bear to send my child to boarding school. I don’t think an all boys boarding school is the best environment for a young person to grow into themselves and develop. I also would never send my child to an elitist institution like Eton. Regardless of whether you don’t feel the same on that, to remortgage is not a sensible idea. What about uniform and school trips because they are also going to be way more expensive than at your local school. If you have decent schools in your area send him there and save the money for his Uni education or whatever he wants to do after.

@RamasterRobin thank you for answering my question.
Does the author only use former boarders as examples?
How does he account for the numerous humans who went to day school who also have zero capacity for empathy or emotional engagement?

Going to Eaton really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be I know a few people who went there none of them are normal. They’re all completely screwed up. The worst thing is if you are From not such a hugely privileged background everyone around you in a school like that is hugely wealthy. It’s not just about. Can you afford the fees? It’s about all the other stuff they wear this different clothes they’re all have really expensive watches. They’ll go on amazing holidays it puts your son socially in an awkward position
. I personally would save any money you have and send him to a really good grammar school and use the money to save for a deposit on a house for him when he is older. One of my biggest regrets in life is sending my child to a public school, it was awful. The bullying was dreadful as my child put it years later, the main difference is the drugs in public schools are just much more expensive and more easily available

In your situation I would not send your dc to boarding school. It does not make sense financially to take that big risk. We were questioning it and we are able to pay the fees w several years worth saved up. It still feels like a huge chunk of finances. It is worth it. But would not do it if we had to remortgage the house.

I don’t think anyone said ‘no child’ will ever make an issue of it. I think people said that the majority of kids do not make an issue of it.

Of course some less well brought up kids will make issues out of everything.

i would worry that he would be the outcast as he won’t be as filthy rich as the rest of them. My DD went to private school and was looked down upon (as was I) because we didn’t go skiing, own a holiday home in the south of France and own a stable of horses

@38thparallel
yes this is specific to boarders and relating to boarding school syndrome. There is a lot in there about attachment theory which can be applied to any person regardless of where they were educated but Nick specifically looks at boarding school being an ex boarder himself. However important to highlight not every boarder will end up as a psychopath or an emotionally illiterate leader while those who were state educated may equally have difficulties in life. Lots more articulate info out there tho, I will not hijack thread any further 🙂

Have you thought about the pressure that's going to be on your child when he realises how much your financial situation has had to change?

Hello op, I'm from a long line of boarding/private day school types so completely understand the arguments for and against. But something that my DH (ampleforth from 8) said may be useful; he believed that going to school had put his parents under huge financial strain (his dad wasn't massively well paid, it was MIL's family school) and so he felt guilty about it the entire way through. Probably also a v Catholic reaction but hey ho. He said that it did influence how hard he worked and he tried to make the best of it to show his parents, but he definitely felt the pressure.

@RamasterRobin interesting he mentions Tony Blair as he may not have been a universally popular politician but I had always heard he was empathetic.
Ted Heath had zero empathy or emotional engagement and he went to grammar school.
The thing is, it’s impossible to know if the person would have turned out differently as he/she couldn’t have gone to two schools at once.

What bit? The bit about why have kids if you’re not going to parent them or the bit about Eton turning out some awful men . Seems very relevant to me!

I actually think successful people (a certain kind of success) actually tend (or are more inclined) to lack empathy whether or not they went to public school, grammar school, state school or homeschool. It goes hand in hand with a certain inbuilt steeliness rather than their educational background I think.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t cripple myself financially to send my DC away.

Ds was too young at 13 as too much of a home boy, but went at 16 in similar financial circumstances.
i can honestly say it’s changed his life. Not just the school and the expectations, but the contacts he’s made through friends and friends of friends. I wouldn’t hesitate to make sacrifices again to achieve this for him.
now at Oxbridge and same friends with him.

My son (now 1st year at uni) was a day pupil at Rugby School and has had an awesome education and many opportunities for extra curricular activities. We are reasonably well off, but not enough to afford the fees ourselves so his fees were paid for by his grandparents. There are a lot of other costs though on top of the fees that we paid ourselves though. Uniform and sports kit was over £1000 for example, GCSE and A level exam fees are not included in the fees, so we had to pay for those, text books have to be paid for, and school trips are expensive, so make sure you budget for those too. I know Rugby isn’t Eton, but despite what other commenters are saying, neither we or our son ever saw any “us and them” between the people who had extreme wealth and those of us who had “normal” salaries and jobs. There were lots of parent dinners, balls and social events we went to and no one made anyone feel like they shouldn’t be there. Our son is friends with multi-millionaires as well as more ordinary salaried people. In fact, I am now really good friends with my son’s best friend’s parents and they live in something akin to a stately home whereas we most definitely do not.
There are a lot of assumptions about what boarding school children and their parents are like, and yes, some live up to those assumptions, but most really don’t.
I don’t regret one single part of our son going to a private school, but being a day pupil meant he still had a family life, still mixed with kids from other schools, went to scouts in the local village hall, but his maturity, his sense of self, his confidence, and his belief that he can be and do whatever he wants in life come from school as well as home and I thank them for helping make him the man he now is. Having said all that, as great as his education was, I would never remortgage my house to pay the fees. There is so much financial uncertainty in the world and if you had to take him out of school later because you could no longer afford it, that would be a huge blow. Look what happened to mortgage rates after covid! Is there not a private school nearer to you where he could go as a day pupil and still get a bursary? Or, if not, I would send him to the local grammar school or comprehensive. It’s absolutely not worth potentially bankrupting yourself for.