Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

Posts here are weird.

Eight top schools in the UK get as many pupils into the universities of Oxford and Cambridge as three-quarters of all schools and colleges put together.

Guess if Eton is one of the golden 8 schools?

Gosh this is a tricky one, Eton really is a massive name and I'm sure the doors it will open for him and numerous! Personally, as you are wobbling on both the financial and general boarding school aspect I'd probably go down the grammar route and then re-apply for sixth form perhaps at Eton, could that be an option at all?

Ah....ok! Lol
Thanks x

I think this is a hard post to respond to because people may have strong and differing views and I guess you can only do what you think is best for your child that you know best.
For my part, I could not imagine not seeing my child every day, my heart would literally ache. I also don’t think my DD would enjoy boarding school. She is 12 and we have so many long chats and cuddles about things that happen at school or her worries, and I think she just wouldn’t have the outlet for that in the same way at a boarding school and wouldn’t get the same sense of emotional safety as at home. She’s doing well at a state school and her confidence is growing which has been so nice to see. I also couldn’t afford boarding school which helps rule it out I guess! But I’m really not sure what opportunities it truly brings. Connections? But for what? The main thing I want for my DD is to be physically and mentally healthy and I hope that will help her find a way to lead a happy life. I think she’ll likely get decent GCSE’s and a levels and I think she’ll find her own path. I don’t know. I worried about whether or not to do grammar school but I just didn’t think it’s for her. That’s what I mean- you know your son best. But I’d query what the precise benefit of going to Eton is when you can get good results elsewhere. At some point your DS will realise the great financial cost to the family and I worry this will put a real pressure on him. I completely understand your desire to do the best by him and I hope you find the right decision for your family.

He will be alongside ultra wealthy pupils and may feel he is missing out a lot. Especially as they get older and become more aware of differences.

I would be seriously wary of boarding anywhere, especially when young.

Grammar and facilitate some fantastic extra curricular activities?

plenty of replies on here show complete lack of knowledge about Eton.
the Eton of 2026 is impressive, proven access to top class teaching staff and visiting speakers, I found it surprisingly humble (wider community is important) and the boys are less arrogant than our local grammar school kids:
the opportunity you could give him by taking the option of a spot in I assume the 2028 intake will be immeasurable.
only you will know but if he has been offered a place and you have been offered help with the fees I’d be moving mountains to make it happen for him (including borrowing against assets). Good luck with whatever you choose.

I know four current and two former eton boys as we are friends with their parents. None of them knows how to do anything for themselves. They’ve had everything done for them their whole life, either at school or at home. They’re not particularly nice, partly as they have no interest in socialising with people who aren’t like themselves or haven’t been to the same (or equivalent) school. It may give wonderful opportunities but honestly I wouldn’t aspire for our boys to be anything like that. And our boys are all at expensive private schools … but there is a difference.

A minority do more than likely following their parent’s lead.

Majority of kids at my kid’s school don’t do that.

And as for saying the wealth gap is too big - I disagree.
uniform equalises, the boarding houses equalise and actually kids don’t care about stuff like that unless you put it in their head and make an issue of it.

it’s amazing how many people with serious wealth in the British school system are the very ones who fly under the radar and just muck in with the rest of the parents trying to organise a bake or book sale! 🤣

Based on Etonians I Have Known, I rather doubt it. But the Etonians I used to know (know one, you know a lot!) are all older than me and mostly not massively bright. One of them never even passed O-level maths, but it turned out okay because he had the sense to marry an accountant.

I'd guess Winchester probably is?

You cant afford it.
Another thought id be having is considering that you need to remortgage your house to even cover the rest of the 'substantial' bursary, you'd be sending him into a snake pit with the children of the wealthy elite. Who would undoubtedly bully him for being poor, or are you going to magic up lavish gifts, holidays, experiences for him to keep up with his peers.
I cant and wont ever be able to afford private education for my children but even if I could unless i was a multimillionare I wouldn't dream of sending them to a private school anyway.

What trolls?
It is not trolling simply to disagree with somebody.

My children certainly knew that their friends who lived in 8 bedroom houses with huge gardens and had a ski lodge were richer than the ones who lived in a two up two down and had a week in Tenerife every year, yes. It’s naive to pretend otherwise. Or to pretend that no child will ever make an issue out of this…

This is a big risk a) financially for you, and b) in terms of whether he will enjoy it. It is not a normal school experience by any means (no boarding school is but Eton is particularly extreme) and he will not be the standard sort of Etonian.

I am not sure why you would take that risk when you have excellent local school options and you are sure he would do well at those. I would get it if your other option was a troubled state school but it doesn’t sound like it. I honestly don’t think it’s worth putting yourself under such financial pressure and stress, even without the risk that he gets homesick or never quite fits in.

It is not trolling simply to disagree with somebody.

I don’t know what the exact definition of trolling is.
Do you think making unpleasant comments is simply disagreeing with somebody?
If a poster were to say ‘should I send my dc to state school or private school?’ do you think it would be acceptable for a poster to say ‘I’d never send my children to state school. All the ones I’ve met have been unemployable oiks’

OP I can’t answer your question but imo you grasp all opportunities. As for the criticism- I’d put that to one side - jealousy - you are in a unique and privileged position (some would say - whatever your view on private schools / boarding etc).
Only you can know if it’s right for your son- personally if it is - I’d try find a resolution to make it happen. And ignore the jealous bitter shadow of mumsnet.
good luck xx

Or to pretend that no child will ever make an issue out of this.

Some children may. Mine certainly wouldn’t. And yet according to quite a few posters on this thread, it’s the privately educated children who notice who notice the bursary children.

if it is going to put you in serious debt then what will you do if you find you can't afford basic living expenses or we get another Liz Truss and mortgage rates increase. Remember there will be additional fees like uniform and trips and other expenses. Will your child stand out because they don't have rich parents who can go skiing at Christmas? Children become more aware as they get older. What happens if one parent gets sick and can't work and you need to pull him out of school? You need to go through your budget again and ensure there are realistic figures in there as not having a latte and cancelling subscriptions will not cut it!!

I would say many of your worries are valid. We had a child at a private school wtih a lot of kids on very high bursaries, and it was as you say - every bit of good financial news just gets eaten up in school fees. People put off moving in with new partners for years because that would mean losing bursary, as just one example.
Another of our DCs was a highly able child - musical, sporty, academic - in a comp. We liked being able to choose her coaches and extra-curricular teachers. OTOH, I was at a boarding school, where there is MUCH less choice. Pretty much gave up music there because I didn't like the only option of a teacher of my instrument, and didn't like the guy that ran the choir. If I'd been at a day school, I'd have found another teacher and choir and kept going.
But the think that jumped out at me in your post was that you think at Eton he will be able to 'be himself'. That seems a bit bonkers to me. Living 24/7 with other people, often from quite different backgrounds from you (very rich and/or from other countries) is not conducive to letting you be yourself. It puts enormous pressure on you to fit in with whatever the dominant ethos of the moment is. And make no mistake, that dominant ethos will be dictated by the most influential teenagers at the school, not by teachers. You might be lucky, and there might be a 'be yourself' vibe. But the odds are against.

@bafta16 who I you directing that to?

When you ask is it worth it what do you mean? How can it be measurable? It depends on so many factors from the personality of your child, what he goes on to do in life. If he chooses a career that makes him happy but doesn’t pay very much will that be worth it to you? Remember they all do the same GCSEs. Presumably you are paying for the experience, The opportunities ( like you mentioned in your first post) but these aren’t measurable either. Sorry I know this isn’t helpful but really noone can answer this for you. Im about to cripple myself financially to
send my youngest son to a private school because the state option we are in the catchment of is terrible currently.
I have no idea whether he will like it, what job he will do what friends he will make. If it’s morally ok!?
All I would say at this stage is that with AI coming these traditional educational routes are not going to be worth half as much as they once were.
Only your family can decide if you can afford it . But it sounds like you are trying your best for your child but the panic and wobble is setting in and I think this time of transition is like that anyway! x

Do you think making unpleasant comments is simply disagreeing with somebody?

No. Making unpleasant comments is against the TGs and such comments should be reported to MNHQ. They will then be deleted.

I said that disagreeing with somebody isn't trolling. Therefore if a poster wrote that they wouldn't send their child to boarding school because they believed that children thrive better when they live at home with their families, that would not be trolling - it would merely be someone offering a different viewpoint.

However, if they wrote "how could you even think about sending your child to boarding school, you utterly heartless piece of shit" - well, that would be a personal attack, and would be against the TGs, and would constitute trolling.

@38thparallel

Have you overslept? Since you were last awake the world has moved on somewhat ...

@Ahhhh good for you

Let him go to Eton. That would be a massive investment in his future.