Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

Forget about the finances. Think about his mental health. Children should grow up with their families, not in an institution. Boarding school syndrome is real. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/283742982_Boarding_School_Syndrome_The_psychological_trauma_of_the_'privileged'_child

@ArtHistory I’d get a financial advice from an independent financial advisor asap.
best wishes!

Sorry, what is an "OF market"?

I think most people stretch to a degree for fees at whatever level. It’s always going to be something that has to be considered and prioritised against other areas of spend.

what the OP hasn’t said is what level of equity they have and what level of fee contribution has been asked. Remortgaging could mean very different things depending on the circumstances. It my daughter’s school, they are clear that bursary recipients are expected to remortgage if they have significant equity eg they view it as unfair to give financial support to family A who might have a lower income than family B but be sat on £££ of equity.

Exactly @Bunnycat101 - if you have 10% LTV, say, and you have reasonably good income then remortgaging doesn’t necessarily mean financial stress.

Eton’s view, which is reasonable enough, is that it’s not fair for people sitting on hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of equity to get big bursaries while people much less in the way of assets pay full whack.

Only Fans I think. Rather drastic…

Is that a question?

thought you might be Princess Kate till the last paragraph.

It will be an amazing opportunity for your son, does he want to go or knows he is & is excited? Knowing you will miss him will be the same when he gets a little older and goes to uni anyway

Good to know. Irrelevant to the OP, though.

Not Eton but fairly prestigous private svhool.in USA. My coworker worked herself to the bone to keep her son in the school, even with a large scholarship.

Every child is different, but her's was insanely jealous of his much much richer friends, mad he couldn't go on any trips and ultimately ended up with a horrible relationship with his mother. She got a chronic illness and he had to.leave right before his senior year. Last I heard he was struggingly through state university.

If he has a decent local school, I'd keep him in it

I might have a useful perspective for you as it sounds like I was in a similar situation to your DS. I was a high achiever / academic at school and I went to a boarding school similar to Eton (mixed sex obv).

What those types of schools do offer is incredible extra curricular opportunities that very few state schools can compete with. Therefore, if your DS has a particular aptitude for music / acting / sport etc it can be an incredible foundation.

However, it was a miserable place for me. Public schools can be a challenging environment for kids who don’t come from a posh background and I struggled socially as a result. It created incredible distance between me and my parents, as well as my wider family. My relationship with my mum didn’t meaningfully recover until I was mid-20s (although was already difficult between us tbf).

I was a real grafter (not necessarily particularly “gifted”) and I think I would have performed academically at any decent school. I was deeply aware that my education was putting my parents under massive financial pressure. That weighed heavily and also stopped me from speaking up for a long time about how unhappy I was. I did ultimately leave and return to London for sixth form which was a huge relief.

This is of course just my experience. Another boy in my year went to Eton on a scholarship, from a normal family background, and flourished there. However, based only on my own experience I would think seriously before placing yourself in financial dire straits. All the best with whatever you decide OP.

I think it's a crazy idea. Send him to the local school, he will do well there.

Why does he have to drop music and art? Genuine question, I'm not in the UK but kids study those subjects at state schools here.

Seems very fair.

I think if you’ve got good schools on your doorstep, why put yourself in financial hardship by remortgaging. If you were in a terrible school area then i’d say do it, but I’d say a grammar school would stretch your son. My DD got all G9’s at the local comp, and I do think she may have not done as well in an uber competitive environment. She did apply to a very competitive grammar for 6th form and of course would have got a place as it was allocated on grades, but she decided against it as she wasn’t sure how she would have managed the super competitiveness, so has stayed at her school for 6th form.

Btw as well as the Boarding School Syndrome (which won’t be recognised until your DS has a breakdown aged 50), I think many ‘prestigious’ employers would look more favourably at top grades/Oxbridge via state school, than via Eton.

It’s worth pointing out that parents of nearly one in ten of Etonians pay no fees at all, and those of another one in ten get fairly hefty bursarial subsidy. It’s also definitely not the done thing among the boys to brag about money or family backgrounds.
As a result, a boy from a lower income family is actually less likely to feel in an obvious minority at Eton as they might at a school like Stowe or Marlborough, where it’s very obvious who are the “scholarship kids”.

Having said all that, if your heart’s not in it than don’t take the place. There will be another boy desperate to go who needs that bursarial support!

I think if you are already looking at remortgaging to pay for the fees what contingency do you have when the fees increase / mortgage rates increase ( the current geo political situation will have an adverse impact and may go on for some time ) and other bills rise, you have a significant outlay because you need a new boiler or car, or god forbid for what ever reason either you or your husband can no longer work. Personally from what you describe I wouldn’t risk it as I think it would be worse if your sent your son for say 2 years and then had to remove him due to financial pressures. private school isn’t just the fees it’s all the add ons , uniform , trips , extra curricular activities, particularly somewhere like Eaton ( my DS went to Westminster and the extra costs felt like they were never ending for trips etc. ) and what happens if for any reason the bursary was reduced in future years. Sadly I do know some friends who had to remove their DC from private school due to an unexpected change in finances and it was very difficult which seriously impacted the relationship between the parents and DC.

Difficult to comment specifically without knowing the detail of your finances but based on what you have described and also how you have good schools around you and how your son will succeed I think I would look locally and not put your family through the financial stress you are describing.

@Tiddlywinky 😆😆

Of course kids know where the money comes from! They compare homes and holidays and so on.
@CurlewKate Do your children do that? Mine certainly don’t. Maybe you need to have a word with yours.

I think many ‘prestigious’ employers would look more favourably at top grades/Oxbridge via state school, than via Eton.

@UneasyMe From what I read on here I thought most prestigious companies have blind applications?
My dd was asked about her university but not which school she went to.

It’s not worth it. Spending their teen years in boarding school is not healthy.

Put the money in a stocks and shares ISA for university fees and a house deposit and he’ll get far more benefit.

Will no-one think of the poor over-privileged advantaged public schoolboys! Stigma? Of all the "check your privilege" stereotypes....

I see your dilemma, its the opportunity off a lifetime for your child....but, this is a family decision, it affects everyone, so all parties need to be considered.

How does your son feel about this. Does he want to go? I he went to the local grammar will he do just as well?

I do really empathise with your predicament.

Of course it isn't!

The point is I know plenty of people with no real savings, mortgaged to the hilt and relying on salary to send kids private, which to me seems crazy.

I'm saying you shouldn't be using your work income, that's not wealth, that should be being used to create wealth, you should only use wealth for fees.

@Fromyonfarcountryblows ahhhhh that’s really nice , I was thinking it could be a bit different when his older but I think he will be one of the cool ones he is very handsome and has a really good sense of humour