Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

I think you might get away with at pre prep/prep but it’s harder at secondary but it really shouldn’t make any difference to your fellow pupils/school staff.
i worked at a well known boarding school one of the boys was on a substantial bursary he was the most popular boy in the boarding house everyone knew he was on a bursary because he couldn't really hide it but now one cared.

Unbelievable really.

Let him go to the Grammar and coast along to his level 9s.

Hopefully a little humility may come along too.

If you're remortgaging to pay for school fees, then realistically, you can't afford to send your son. What about all the extras...uniforms, sports kits (which I'm sure there will be more than one), school trips and activities outside of school hours? It's not as simple as paying the fees, it's everything else on top!!

I would also be concerned about the fact it will be obvious to other students your son doesn't come from a wealthy family. Like it or not, he could be bullied.

It sounds as if your son is academic, and would thrive just as well at the local grammar school. Personally, I wouldn't be stretching myself financially to the point that if finances changed, you'd be in dire straits.

Perhaps it might help to think about it this way OP. Lets say he goes to Eton, enjoys himself and gets good grades. However he still ends up with a modest job, but is happy.
Under these circumstances would you wish you hadn't remortgaged the house?
Are you happy to remortgage the house whatever the outcome from this school, good or bad?

The ones at my university were not! They stuck together in a pack with their school friends and didn't appear to understand that women were also people/full human beings (which when mixed with a sense of entitlement and alcohol is a bad combination).

Eton used to contribute to those on bursaries for the exorbitant cost of their uniform etc and probably still does. I clearly remember my DS’s school trips away were significantly cheaper than a friends was being asked to pay for a DC at our local performing comp.
Admittedly this was many years ago but my DS was never bullied for being on a bursary I clearly remember him saying that the small number who did care and comment were already generally disliked by everyone. He had friends from all walks of life Sunday Times Rich lister to others like him average middle class families on bursaries.

Our son went to Eton but had to change schools for sixth form for financial reasons. He thanked us for even daring to aspire to such and said the experience and exposure has definitely set him up for his future.

When he started, we weren’t sure how it was going to go but were determined to take it one day at a time and I’ll say I’m glad we took the risk. Every child is different and every family is different, all this come to play in how they turn out. It’s not just the school (boarding or day) that determines this.

I genuinely think that if you will have to remortgage to pay the fees ,you will be putting a huge burden on your sons wellbeing.Imagine if he doesn’t succeed at school and the guilt that he potentially would feel.

Its not clever idea if you can't afford it.
Think of all those other pupils will be wealthy or rich etc and your DS will feel different. How will you afford the other compulsory trips ,uniform etc?
Its like buying a expensive car when being poor- not be able to afford to run it or pay for repairs.
Don't get Monkey if you can't afford bananas for it.

I went to boarding school and don't have any issue with it but in your financial situation and the fact that you have other good options I just wouldn't consider it.

I know you say you're not doing it for the results but you've also said that you know your DS will get all 9s in GCSEs. What happens if he goes to Eton and doesn't? My DCs school has higher GCSE results than Eton and very few get all 9s. Will you be disappointed in him?

i had a friend who taught at an independent school he used to say “nasty unpleasant entitled parents produce nasty unpleasant children/adults, nice polite respectful of all parents produce nice polite respectful of all children/sdults. Money either lots of it or not makes no difference.
When I worked at a well known boarding school we had this arrogant self entitled child I rang to speak to his father and guess what he was one of the most pompous arrogant self entitled man I’d ever had the misfortune to speak too
@BestZebbie if these men you met hadn’t gone to Eton but St Elsewhere you would have assumed it was their parents fault and probably said things like “the apple never falls far from the tree etc”. And as I said above I’m no Eton groupie but it’s just lazy thinking to tar every boy who went there with the same brush. Some of the most delightful charming people I’ve met went to Eton and St Elsewhere and I’ve also met arrogant twats who went to Eton and St Elsewhere.

Yep, I always make this quip as well. (Because it's true.)

I don't think you can afford it is the bottom line

@Marchspringss
Not all Eton pupils are super rich. They give a lot of bursaries and encourage less well of DSs to go.

Also, who tells DC where money comes from? You keep that to yourself. Mortgages are not discussed with dc so no pressure. Plus bursaries at Eton are essentially, competitive. They are not given to the least able to take advantage of what’s there. They are given to very clever and often multi talented dc. Harrow has similar and these boys are not back numbers. They are generally admired.

Sell the house and buy something smaller? If child isn't there during the school year, get an apartment.

It's not just about the fees right now though. What about uni costs?

I don’t mean to be rude but not only can’t you afford it, but it seems like you know deep down it’s the wrong decision anyway.

My children were privately educated and the financial burden is huge. Is it worth it? For one of my children definitely not. They would have been happier elsewhere. For their sibling definitely worth it. I would always advice anyone contemplating private ed to think very very careful about the financials. It is a huge commitment, can grandparents help out?

Of course kids know where the money comes from! They compare homes and holidays and so on.

I don't know how bursaries work so can't help there but my DC go to a private secondary school because the local schools are dire. We didn't remortgage, live in a bog standard house and we are definitely stretched. I wobbled about it at the time for many reasons including financially but I cannot express how relieved I am that the kids attend their school

They have so many opportunities that are not available in local schools and the quality of teaching is so high compared to what they had in the local primary school.

There are many kids from a very wealthy background but there are many with a similar background to my kids.

If you decide not to go to Eton, why do you feel your son must drop art and music? You could accommodate that privately outside of school hours?

Also, OP - that financial burden is going to get much worse. Schools have kept fee rises down so parents can deal with VAT and it's coming back to bite them on the bum. So now they're having to raise by way over inflation. Fun times.

I would do it. It is only for five years at 13+. However, if your son is very happy to go. The financial aspect is only temporary. You are given him the best chance and he will make connections that are also important in life.
I sense a bit of bitterness with some posters which is unhelpful.
All the best which what you decide. It is an amazing position to be in.

I don’t think „bursary“ boys get bullied. All private schools are full of teaching staff kids on massive discounts who are hardly rich either. I would say in a house and year group of ten, typically 1 teacher kid, 1-3 bursary kids (depending on partial versus full) and rest full fee paying. But there are enough bursary kids (full or some help) and teaching staff kids, to mean they aren’t some super minority that stick out like rare birds.

@Fromyonfarcountryblows is right. just because a couple of a-hole politicians have come out of Eton, it does not make it a terrible school. Far from it. Your son will get an incredible education there, if it’s the right place for him and his personality, and boarding can be amazing for their growth and independence too - again, if it’s right for your child.
Cost aside, this is the more pertinent question over whether it’s Eton, or rugby, or Brighton college, or the local grammar or comp. Where will he blossom? Will he make friends for life?
That he’ll need therapy is utter bollocks.

As for affordability, talk to the school again and redo your sums. Maybe you’ll have to shop at Lidl instead of Waitrose (yes, I’m making assumptions but I think they’re fair ones!) buy less stuff, go on fewer holidays, and be creative with your budget (rent out his bedroom during term time? It’s tax free up to £7.5k!)

And after five years of paying fees, imagine how flush you’ll feel when you don’t have to pay any more!

I genuinely don’t know why people have kids and then send them to boarding school. Having kids is the most precious thing. Mines at uni, 3 hours drive away and I’m literally counting days until he comes home for Easter. I’m not an overbearing mum but I love being a mum and like it when he’s home . I honestly can’t say about Eton. It’s given us some dreadful prime ministers and politicians. But then so did a Grammar school in Grantham!

Back to basics.

Could you afford, when the time comes, uni fees and driving lessons, a car for him?

That money could help him out substantially with bricks and mortar. Getting him onto the property ladder, paying it into his pension?

Grammar with extra curriculum activities. Keep it real.