Boarding School wobble

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So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

@BillieWiper that is nonsense

Some of my cousins went to Eton. They were subsequently very unsuccessful.

I just want to add I definitely wouldn’t remortgage my house for 96% independent schools whether they be boarding or day.
Im aware that Winchester has changed considerably and I not convinced Id remortgage my house if I was looking at place for September 2026.
Personally I’m not Eton groupie (plenty love it). It’s ethos when I considered many years ago is quite obvious and distinctive and has to suit both you and your DC?

Idk. I remember feeling very much the outsider in a much less prestigious private school due to snobbery. One of other kids even told me that their parents paid my school fees?!

The y7 teacher on day one distributed a list of all the other kids' parents' names, job titles and their contact details. Under the job for my parents they wrote 'none'. 🥺

Times have changed I know. But I wouldn't want anyone else's kid to feel that way.

No, comments about the drawbacks of a boarding school education are not entirely valid on a post about finances, especially when the OP has posted in the Boarding Schools subgroup. Based on a lot of the responses, you would think she had asked a general question about the pros and cons of boarding in AIBU.

The OP has said in her own posts:

“Let's assume that for the purposes of this thread, I'm happy with the idea of sending him to boarding school ... If you want to criticise me for any of the above, then kindly wait till someone starts a thread about the merits of boarding in general.”

“What I hoped is that people with experience of stretching themselves to afford school fees could give me their insight- was it worth it, how did you manage, what did you do when something unexpected happened, what thought process did you go through etc etc.”

It is obviously fine if people wish to ignore her actual questions and post anyway, but I responded to the specific poster I quoted because pursuing an anti-boarding school agenda in this way should not be prefaced with “I don’t mean to be unkind” when, actually, it’s very unkind as it is the exact opposite of what the OP has asked for.

I’ve found this to be true too. The ones from Harrow, however…..

@BillieWiper that’s not good ! my boy is at a top pre prep boarding school and he loves it . Nobody knows if you are on a bursary only the headmaster , burser that’s it

I think you need to really think carefully about this. We had 3 DCs at private school all through prep and into senior school, then covid hit and our life completely fell apart. They all had to go to state school and it was absolutely heartbreaking; especially for the eldest two who had to learn a whole new way of being. So I would say that if you can’t afford it incredibly comfortably then you should think twice.
My siblings and I went to similar Eton-esque private schools because my DF was a house master at one. We were definitely the poor kids and I never went on school trips. Seeing the houses they all lived in and the lives they led has really stuck with me in a “keeping up with the Jones’” type way. My sister went to a specialist music school and boarded from 11 to 18 and this completely changed her relationship with our parents.
I desperately wanted my kids to go to private because I thought it was the best. A few years on and they are all doing well and they live normal lives with lovely friends. My DS boarded for a bit at an all boys state secondary school but there was a safeguarding issue with some of the boys against my DS and he will never board again.
yes they get lots of experiences but is that worth being crippled financially over? I don’t think so.

I personally think Eton carries a lot of stigma nowadays. It's not going to help him into an elite career anymore, or to get a university place when Oxbridge and the top unis are actively trying to recruit more students from non private schools.

What advantage do you think it will give him? It doesn't sound a good idea when it won't give any real advantage and will financially cripple you

That would all be true if the OP was purely asking practical questions about bursaries and finances. But alongside those questions, OP talks about the perceived benefits and asks “Is it worth it”? Once you ask that, you are inviting the other side of the equation in. When your other option is a day grammar school, you cannot separate out the “is it worth it?” dilemma
from the day vs boarding question - the logic doesn’t hold.

I agree, Eton sounds stuffy and irrelevant.

Prince G is going to Marlborough apparently.

Kids aren’t stupid! They can 100% work it out from the holidays / clothes / staff / cars etc

Don’t send your son to a school you can’t afford, the stress of it financially will be too much pressure.

You need to decide whether or not you can afford it and go from there.

I think it depends how you define success.
My DS went to a RG university and did very well, he now works in a very stressful and demanding job which he very good at (not earning a fortune by any stretch of the imagination). He believes he has had many opportunities that others didn’t and he wanted to “give back” to society he wants to make a difference to people’s lives and works in a field where he is able to do this. He is in a happy secure caring relationship he owns his own small house drives a car owns a dog has hobbies and interest appreciates how lucky he is compared to many others. He is able to mix and talk to the super wealthy but know that money doesn’t make you a better person and also those living in grinding poverty, the dying, the demented, the addicts, those with chronic illnesses and know they are as important as those super wealthy and also know but there for the grace of god go I. I think this makes him a “successful” member of society.

But alongside those questions, OP talks about the perceived benefits and asks “Is it worth it”? Once you ask that, you are inviting the other side of the equation in.
@ProcrastinatorsAnonymous do you think the unpleasant remarks on this thread are providing the other side of the equation?

I'm not talking about relative wealth but about serious problems with life.

Yeah, I also know someone who went to a similar school (not Eton) where the kids all tried to "guess" the bursary kids. They correctly guessed them and then bullied those kids for it. Obviously that might not happen, but if you're going to be financially a lot below the other kids/struggle to afford it, it is something to consider. He absolutely won't have that experience at the local grammar

@BillieWiper my boy always has the best , I can’t speak about others.

If you remortgage your house, you are putting a lot of pressure on your son to succeed . What if he doesn't? There are no guarantees in life.

@ProcrastinatorsAnonymous I can’t speak for the children that do not have nice things , my boy has very nice things and he does not go without .

The vast majority of comments I’ve read that are critical of Eton (or of boarding schools more generally) have seemed thoughtful and respectful rather than nasty. There will be trolls on any MN thread about any topic at all - I imagine most readers just filter them out.

My DS is 15 in year 11 at a London comprehensive. We have paid for him to sit one extra GCSE out of school in year 10 (in something he was interested in). But otherwise haven’t done any tutoring but he does have music lessons in school which I pay for. He is on track get all or mostly 9s. I’m sure he would have got into a top private school and we could have afforded it (but not Eton!) but why? And for what?

People from all schools in both sectors have “serious problems in life”. In my job I regularly come into contact with drug abusers, alcoholics, hoarders, those with significant MH issues, people who are just plain dysfunctional, people with a wide variety of neuroses not one of them went to Eton et al.
Life is just not that bloody obvious.

I have gone on the Eton website and did the maths.
By the 2031/32 academic year, assuming yearly 4 per cent increases, will be 80000 pounds per year. That excludes uniform cost estimated at 1000 minimum per year and disbursements (which for music lessons would be 3500 per year 1 hour per week or more). That is without school trips. So one school trip per year add in another 2000 per year.
Apply the bursary and do a full spreadsheet.
For a standard fee paying child doing 1 expensive sport and 1 instrument, back of fag calculation by then is 86500!

So even with 50 per cent bursary, it’s mind boggling.

It's not going to help him into an elite career anymore, or to get a university place when Oxbridge and the top unis are actively trying to recruit more students from non private schools.

I think this is what it comes down to op. I do think these schools generally deliver a great education, and I do value education for education's sake.

But that's all very well if you have money to throw at the risk of him being on the back foot coming out. People who don't go all imagine that somehow these half-useless but expensively-educated twits are getting doors thrown open for them when the recruiter/university admissions see Eton or Winchester on their form, but that really isn't the case. No matter how bright he is, he will have to work very hard to be at the top there, and it really is only the tippy-top from these schools who can get over the reverse discrimination hurdles these days.

If you genuinely believe he will get top grades anywhere, send him to the "anywhere," let his teachers rave in his applications because they are not innundated with his ilk, and use a fraction of the money to enrich his music and art outside school.

If you can afford to have a school do that rounding-off, then yes, absolutely do that. But if you can't, don't.