Why would you adopt a child outside of your race?

[Namechangedtoday2022]

Hi. I'm a regular but have name changed. This post is NOT to cause offence to anyone but I need answers, particularly from other black people on here.

Okay. So I was fostered by white parents. I grew up in a very white middle class area, etc. While I am grateful for the love and time and care they put into looking after me, I suffered horrendous racism: verbally, physically, etc. Which, of course, was NOT my parent's fault.

But I still can't understand why they fostered me. There were no other black people in the school I attended, there were no black role models for me to look up to, talk to, about black issues and, I think, the most surprising thing that I noticed when I was around 14, was that my parents had no black friends . They never talked about any black issues or issues that I might be facing, and withheld information about my bio family, which really they shouldn't have done.

So, black mumsnetters, am I being unreasonable in thinking that them fostering me was more for their benefit/inquisitiveness that mine? Or should I just be grateful that they looked after me. I just find it strange. I have tried to talk to them about it before but I was very quickly shut down!

As a child, who was fostered, I believe that I should be able to give my side/opinions and not be dismissed. I know my foster parents gave a lot of opinions about me.

I love my parents to bits but I have to say, I think it was a very selfish move, given that I was surrounded by not an ounce of my culture. And there seemed no effort to try to.

For further context, they travelled over 300 miles to 'collect' me. And I also know that they seemed to love me more when I was "little and cute" and couldn't talk

I will repeat, this is not intended as a racist post. But I have been quietened so many times in the past that it just seems unfair. I don't question their love for me but, I have to be honest, I do question their motive.

It's really sad they won't talk about it with you. What is your relationship like with them?

I can’t answer your question as to why your parents fostered a child from a different race, but I wanted to say that I understand . Similar to you, I was adopted by a family from a different culture (I was Jewish, my adoptive parents were white Christians with no knowledge of Jewish religion or culture and, frankly, they were pretty anti-Semitic). It’s taken me a long time to unpick things and I’m not really there yet. But just acknowledging that I AM missing a lot of pieces of the puzzle has been a positive first step…

Hello op,

I could have written your post. It's only as I've become an adult that I've questioned a lot of things but not with them as I don't want to hurt their feelings!

It took me until going away to university to recognise covert racism. It's taken my close school friends a long time to catch up with understanding and I ended up distancing myself from a lot of people as self preservation I think.

It's certainly food for thought but ultimately, my parents thought they were doing the right thing and there certainly wasn't a queue of people at the care home waiting to take us all home. It's a very complicated issue I think and every case is probably different.

I'm sorry your going through this, motives are a complete head fuck especially when the people involved won't discuss it with you. Is there a relative or friend of theirs you could talk to, to try shed some light?

What would have happened to you if they hadn’t fostered you?

Had you been waiting for a long term foster for a long time? Foster carers are very low in number at most points in time I can think of, was it a case of them being the only possible foster home without a long, and detrimental to you as a young child, wait? I remember my parents being foster carers when I was younger, and any family that wasn’t white middle class was a rarity, so children went to whatever place was available, and race / culture want a consideration as just weren’t enough fosterers in general

What were their options? Could they really have said no thanks we want a white baby? You're ascribing a great deal of power to them.

I wouldn't, because I have heard so many people in your situation say it hasn't worked well for them.

It's really sad they won't talk about it with you. What is your relationship like with them?

It's okay on the outside. But on the inside, I'm thinking it isn't okay. But they are getting old, and I don't want to be accused of making them ill, as they have accused me of that before when I brought this up.

As a child, numerous times, I have tried to get answers. Numerous times, it has turned into me being "difficult"

It was only the last time (as an adult), in which I was more direct and demanded answers, that it seemed to fan the flames.

Could they really have said no thanks we want a white baby? You're ascribing a great deal of power to them.

These days they certainly can say that.

My parents fostered children on long and short term basis in the 90’s, and we lived in a very predominantly white area. They would be contacted by social services who asked if they could foster a child, and given some brief background information.

Whilst they are very kind people, and I do not think they are racist, I think they also didn’t have an awareness of the issues that a black child would face in a majority white community. They didn’t have any black friends, not because they didn’t want black friends, but genuinely no black people lived in our very small town.

I obviously can’t speak to the intention of your parents, but the intentions of one were to give children safe and loving homes, even if now that might seem a bit misguided in hindsight.

Also I don’t mean this to be an inflammatory question, but imagine if they had a phone call from a social worker asking them to take in a black child, and they declined because the child was black. Surely that would be a pretty awful thing to do?

I'm so sorry, OP. I can't begin to understand how tough this must have been.

My best friend is a foster care social worker. Her partner's parents are foster carers and the child they have residency of until adulthood is mixed race, mother is mixed White and Black and father is Black.

My friend told of the difficulty of finding him a placement that was culturally appropriate for him. She said that in the area, there are less than 10% of foster carers from a BAME background, and this makes it incredibly difficult to place children in culturally appropriate environments.

I don't know whether this was the case when you were younger, but it does go some way to explaining why placements might not always be the best for the child.

I'm not sure whether it's a lack of awareness, ignorance, or a mix of both that would make somebody so unaware of how important it is to not be excluded from learning about one's cultural and heritage.

These days they certainly can say that.

What would you think if they did?

I don't know what period of time this happened to you OP, but between the mid 60's and mid 80's, it was extremely common for white families to foster Black DC in the UK. I have friends who went through this experience, and were traumatised by the othering/racism in their childhoods, and the lack of knowledge/awareness of their cultural heritage, right down to hair care and traditional foods which they didn't receive during their formative years.

I'm unable to guess the motivations of the carers, but just wanted to say I hope you have been able to access good, supportive therapies, and have built a network of Black people who can help you manage this trauma.

How long were you with them for?

What would you think if they did?

I would think they were trying to avoid factors which might cause the adoption to fail. You can say that you don't feel able to take on a disabled child, or an older child, or siblings, or a child from a different culture.

I mean, if you were adopted as an infant as you said, it'd be a bit difficult to ask your opinion first.

Yes, parents should try to indulge their kids culture, maybe that should be agreed to as part of the process.

I have a biological black and biological white (quarter each) child. I'll be honest, we don't have much non-English culture in our home, besides hair.

That's not a reason to realistically leave a child in temporary care, because the willing couple are a different culture and colour

It’s taken me a long time to unpick things and I’m not really there yet. But just acknowledging that I AM missing a lot of pieces of the puzzle has been a positive first step…

BenjiMcSchmenzie it sounds as if we have been through quite similar. I have never felt whole. How do you cope with this on a day to day basis? I admit I struggle, somewhat.

I do understand what you're saying OP, but would you prefer to have stayed in a care home or with foster parents until 18?

I think the same issues apply, though to a greater or lesser extent, to any child that's adopted outside of its natal culture, regardless of their skin colour.
A British family adopting (say) a Polish baby might not have a clue about how to bring a child up with an awareness of its Polish heritage.

Gosh, where to start. I was a foster carer over the last 15 years. The training was all about seeking information to support children whose backgrounds were different to our own. There was always a call out for diverse families to become foster parents and adopters as there weren't always appropriate placements available. There was controversy over the difficulty of finding a family with the correct match of diversity for individual children, some of who had remarkably diverse family backgrounds. Should a child wait in foster care until better matched parents were available, how much weight should the cultural identity be given as opposed to other matching categories etc.

Historically, different story. There was a period when people sought to adopt babies from abroad because more were available/they were seen as in greater need. That's been recognised as problematic.

Some people adopt because they want a baby, any baby, for themselves. Others adopt because they want to help a child who is in need.

Did your parents seek out a child with your profile, or were you who they were offered?
Whichever, they clearly didn't understand the implications of their decision.

I'm not black (but I have my own history with adoption/abandonment) so I hope this is ok. If not, hopefully MN will remove it if you ask them.

I can't generalise for all white people that adopt/foster a black child but for some it's because it's easier, there's a degree of saviour complex coupled with a direct /instant visual of their good deed and some degree of fetishisation of black people/children. It can be any of those or a mix.

It's certainly food for thought but ultimately, my parents thought they were doing the right thing and there certainly wasn't a queue of people at the care home waiting to take us all home. It's a very complicated issue I think and every case is probably different.

roundtable, yes. I agree with this. I have seen that black babies are the least likely to be fostered/adopted.

I do know that they loved me, as I love them. But I do think they were, somewhat, short-sighted.

White friends of my parents adopted a mixed race child in Northern Ireland in the late 1960s. There were few, if any, black families in NI at the time and fewer still in a position to foster or adopt. There were a lot of healthy white infants placed for adoption at the time and most white families would not have chosen a black child. So the alternative for that child would have been 18 years in a children‘s home. And children’s homes then were even worse then than they are now.
I think they believed they were doing a good, Christian thing in offering a home to a child who would not otherwise have been placed. I know the child had a lot of problems growing up, probably more than the average adoptee, but probably fewer than they would have had in the care system. They grew into a fairly happy, well balanced adult.

ifoundthebread. Thank you. I have spoken to friends etc but I wouldn't want to further upset the family.

@Namechangedtoday2022

It's certainly food for thought but ultimately, my parents thought they were doing the right thing and there certainly wasn't a queue of people at the care home waiting to take us all home. It's a very complicated issue I think and every case is probably different.

roundtable, yes. I agree with this. I have seen that black babies are the least likely to be fostered/adopted.

I do know that they loved me, as I love them. But I do think they were, somewhat, short-sighted.

How long with them? How is your relationship now?