Why would you adopt a child outside of your race?

[Namechangedtoday2022]

Hi. I'm a regular but have name changed. This post is NOT to cause offence to anyone but I need answers, particularly from other black people on here.

Okay. So I was fostered by white parents. I grew up in a very white middle class area, etc. While I am grateful for the love and time and care they put into looking after me, I suffered horrendous racism: verbally, physically, etc. Which, of course, was NOT my parent's fault.

But I still can't understand why they fostered me. There were no other black people in the school I attended, there were no black role models for me to look up to, talk to, about black issues and, I think, the most surprising thing that I noticed when I was around 14, was that my parents had no black friends . They never talked about any black issues or issues that I might be facing, and withheld information about my bio family, which really they shouldn't have done.

So, black mumsnetters, am I being unreasonable in thinking that them fostering me was more for their benefit/inquisitiveness that mine? Or should I just be grateful that they looked after me. I just find it strange. I have tried to talk to them about it before but I was very quickly shut down!

As a child, who was fostered, I believe that I should be able to give my side/opinions and not be dismissed. I know my foster parents gave a lot of opinions about me.

I love my parents to bits but I have to say, I think it was a very selfish move, given that I was surrounded by not an ounce of my culture. And there seemed no effort to try to.

For further context, they travelled over 300 miles to 'collect' me. And I also know that they seemed to love me more when I was "little and cute" and couldn't talk

I will repeat, this is not intended as a racist post. But I have been quietened so many times in the past that it just seems unfair. I don't question their love for me but, I have to be honest, I do question their motive.

Whilst you are right that it wasn’t their FAULT

They sure as heck didn’t help matters

What would have happened to you if they hadn’t fostered you?

I would have stayed with this lady who I was already living with until they found another family?

There are very few foster carers from minorities - there are a far higher proportion of children from BAME groups in childrens homes

We were foster carers and we had to answer very extensive questions on how we would meet the child's cultural needs - there was plenty of training too

We nearly had a black child placed with us (and a child from a travelling community) - they did in the end find carers for them but it took years

So sorry for all you went through

I don’t think there are enough black foster parents or adoptive parents for the number of black children who need homes.

@Namechangedtoday2022

It's certainly food for thought but ultimately, my parents thought they were doing the right thing and there certainly wasn't a queue of people at the care home waiting to take us all home. It's a very complicated issue I think and every case is probably different.

roundtable, yes. I agree with this. I have seen that black babies are the least likely to be fostered/adopted.

I do know that they loved me, as I love them. But I do think they were, somewhat, short-sighted.

Hind sight is 20/20. Even the "experts" didn't know years the impact of this. Much less the average couple. In your heart you know whether their intentions were good or not. You'll know a lot better than us. If they were,and they tried with the advice,tools and knowledge of the time.. that's good. Doesn't diminish or deny how you feel. But they tried and they didn't know any better.

You'll have to acknowledge and accept that, while still working on the issues that you're struggling with. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or them. Just that you need help to navigate the feelings,isolation and struggles that you've gone through for years, ultimately very alone and not fully understood.

I suspect that they wanted to adopt a child and didn't think race mattered. A lot of white people think ignoring race is enough. It's naive but I suspect that they didn't intend to harm you and weren't specifically seeking out a black child, they just didn't think it was important.

I think it's also possible that it wasn't a choice between them and a loving black couple, it was between them and the care system and they thought they were better. They probably were.

I can absolutely understand your feelings of isolation, and of frustration that your parents won't talk about this.

However, I notice they are foster parents, not adoptive. Is it not likely that they fostered you initially as a short-term placement, so that neither they not the SWs expected race to be such a major issue?

Also, if there were no black people in your school or neighbourhood, surely this explains why your parents had no black friends? This must have been horribly isolating for you, but it doesn't indicate anything negative about your parents.

TheYearOfSmallThings

You're clearly speaking from a place of deep knowledge. I'm not sure many white adoptive parents would understand that this could cause an adoption to fail because as far as they're concerned, they have love and it's not a disability where they can think in concrete terms of what about this could actually cause an adoption to break down (not being able to handle very difficult behaviour/specialist care). They would not be able to allow themselves to think in the way you can because it seems such an unlikely reason, in the context of generations of racism where the reason was quite different.

Anyway, at the time the op is describing there was a different understanding of race and adoption that wouldn't have understood this at all because the way forward was considered to be about ignoring race said focusing on common ground - integration, theoretically.

Sounds like they cared for you with a very imperfect love that had no awareness of large parts of who you are and your history. That’s bound to leave some damage in its wake. They probably did not have the emotional resources to do better but that doesn’t mean it was okay. Highly unlikely they have suddenly developed those resources, so they won’t be able to admit their problems and say sorry. You need somewhere to process your very valid feelings though.

Have you had counselling?

As for your question- yes I think it’s possible but it’s always going to be complex and require the parents to be actively seeking to learn, connect and do better - and frequently admitting it when they mess up.

and not said

Adarajames

Yes, I do understand that, which is why I still have a lot of love for them. I was fostered from a few months old until early adulthood.

Goooglebox my foster parents have always told me that they 'chose' me. For context, they fostered other children at this time.

Parents are never wholly altruistic anyway. They want a baby. This doesn't change just because they're adopting.

Would they have found another family though? I don't know the numbers but it's very possible that black children to be fostered/adopted are larger in number than potential parents. Personally I think it's better for a child to have a loving home than be stuck in the system just because the parents are of a different colour? I think now they try to encourage more immersion in the culture of the child but I guess they saw you not as a black child but as a child in desperate need of a living family

From the other side, my good friend is currently a foster parent. We live in a town of 25000 people, there are a few non white residents but to be honest not many, I'm quite new here and I found it weird (I'm white). She is being begged to take additional foster children, she has one long term placement who is mixed race, the short term emergency placement is Sudanese background. In a perfect world I'm sure they would prefer to place a Muslim from Sudan with someone with their cultural background, even partially ie Muslim but there simply aren't families to take them, most foster careers in my county are white, over 50 and Christian at least nominally.

I'm obviously unsure about your foster parents motives but my friend is sensitive to cultural factors, she even raises them with social services who are adamant that a good home is most important.

there should be more encouragement for people from diverse backgrounds coming forward to be foster carers and adopters.

I think foster parents are generally amazing, I couldn't do it (we gave 2 kids with sn though)

Also I don’t mean this to be an inflammatory question, but imagine if they had a phone call from a social worker asking them to take in a black child, and they declined because the child was black. Surely that would be a pretty awful thing to do?

Yes. But they didn't want to foster my bio younger twin sisters, when they were asked, but then went on to foster four other (white children). Of course, it was their perogative but maybe I wouldn't have felt so isolated had my bio sisters been with me.

my foster parents have always told me that they 'chose' me. For context, they fostered other children at this time.

Surely by the stage that they chose you it was more important for you to have continuity of care than for them to think about these issues? Are you afraid that they objectified you on the basis of your race? If so, is it possible that they fell in love with who you were and race had nothing to do with it for them?

I have read very sad stories of children languishing in the care system because they have a black grandparent so now must be placed in a specific family but tend to be passed over because they don't 'look' as if they fit into the sort of family they technically must have on paper. That was the rebound. Is there any answer to this.

TokenGinger, thank you. I understand that there are not enough non white foster carers. I have fostered same heritage children, in the past.

As I will repeating, I know they loved me but it still makes me feel a certain way

Toanewstart23

A very young baby until early adult. But they did adopt other Foster children.

@Namechangedtoday2022

Toanewstart23

A very young baby until early adult. But they did adopt other Foster children.

And how do you get on now?

Did they stop contact with you twin sisters?

Thank you for all your responses. You have given me food for thought..

MissLucyEyelesbarrow, no they refused to adopt me (I found this out a few years when doing a FOI request). But did adoot other children that came in the home after me.

I am white and DH is Indian. We wanted to adopt rather than going through fertility treatment.

When we looked into it we were told by the social worker, that while we would more than likely be approved the chances of being matched with a child was extremely low.

As DH is Hindu they would want to ensure a cultural match. The majority of Asian or mixed race children needing adoption were Muslim and they said we wouldn't be suitable parents. Very few Hindu children at that time in the uk needed adoptive families and as I'm white we would have been superseded by other families.

We spent the next year doing research, and it was very apparent that children need cultural connections. It's really sad that your foster parents weren't able to help you with any connections to your heritage.

I like to think I would have been a good mum to an adopted child and made sure they could talk about anything with me, sadly it wasn't meant to be for us.

Toanewstart23

It appears that way. As it was thought not in my best interest to have contact with them (as I found out when reading my files). I am unsure why.

Happily, I am in contact with them, these days.

Sorry to read this OP.
I had a friend in primary school who was fostered and then adopted to a white family. My family would have been the only black family she knew - this was the early 80s. Her parents cut her hair short as there was no one to do it for her, my mum did mine. And despite her biological family being from the same country as mine there was no attempt to contact my parents for any cultural support. In fact it's only after reading the OP that I am really questioning why they wouldn't want to do this. At the time I never thought about it not that anyone would really at primary age.
I have been in contact with this old school friend and I know she is now
non contact with her parents and I have often wondered if it was anything to do with this.

@Namechangedtoday2022

Toanewstart23

It appears that way. As it was thought not in my best interest to have contact with them (as I found out when reading my files). I am unsure why.

Happily, I am in contact with them, these days.

How long ago was this?

This is now absolutely and completely avoided unless utterly unavoidable