Why would you adopt a child outside of your race?

[Namechangedtoday2022]

Hi. I'm a regular but have name changed. This post is NOT to cause offence to anyone but I need answers, particularly from other black people on here.

Okay. So I was fostered by white parents. I grew up in a very white middle class area, etc. While I am grateful for the love and time and care they put into looking after me, I suffered horrendous racism: verbally, physically, etc. Which, of course, was NOT my parent's fault.

But I still can't understand why they fostered me. There were no other black people in the school I attended, there were no black role models for me to look up to, talk to, about black issues and, I think, the most surprising thing that I noticed when I was around 14, was that my parents had no black friends . They never talked about any black issues or issues that I might be facing, and withheld information about my bio family, which really they shouldn't have done.

So, black mumsnetters, am I being unreasonable in thinking that them fostering me was more for their benefit/inquisitiveness that mine? Or should I just be grateful that they looked after me. I just find it strange. I have tried to talk to them about it before but I was very quickly shut down!

As a child, who was fostered, I believe that I should be able to give my side/opinions and not be dismissed. I know my foster parents gave a lot of opinions about me.

I love my parents to bits but I have to say, I think it was a very selfish move, given that I was surrounded by not an ounce of my culture. And there seemed no effort to try to.

For further context, they travelled over 300 miles to 'collect' me. And I also know that they seemed to love me more when I was "little and cute" and couldn't talk

I will repeat, this is not intended as a racist post. But I have been quietened so many times in the past that it just seems unfair. I don't question their love for me but, I have to be honest, I do question their motive.

And how can we relate to people of different races? There has to be a level whereby we can relate to one another without checking ourselves constantly. Yes, there is structural racism and disadvantage and privilege but at what point can we just relate to one another as human beings?

OK, I'm going to really show my white ignorance here but I'm aware of it and I'm trying to fix it. It wasn't until I saw the show This is Us that I realised the implications of adopting a black child when parents are white. I was naive and didn't think about how black children might want to seek out other black children etc. I guess I thought they would just accept the way of their foster parent's culture because that's all they'd know (if adopted small).

I now realise how dumb this is. I wonder if there is some of this lack of realisation/education for your parents too?

Oh no I apologise, I didn't realise what part of MN I was on and I've just seen the message at the top.

Hi, I just wanted to recommend some pages that may resonate with your experience:

www.instagram.com/blackinwhitefamily/

This YouTuber was also adopted by a white family and reflects on it in one of her videos, I think it's this one:
m.youtube.com/watch?v=ncPWeHr8fks

I find myself wondering OP if some of your anger might stem from the lack of input from your bio parents.
Your mum had more children who also went int o care.
If it were me I would be wanting to ask why she was so careless with her own children.

I am white and the same race as my bio parents yet I have never felt wanted or felt I belonged. I used to daydream that I would be adopted. I really wanted to feel that I was important to someone.

Parents often are not perfect, Yes your foster parents could have done better but they did want you and love you. OP you feel that is not good enough and I agree that you should have been able to have a relationship with your siblings.
Do you see them now? Can you bond with them now?

@ldontWanna

I'm not black (but I have my own history with adoption/abandonment) so I hope this is ok. If not, hopefully MN will remove it if you ask them.

I can't generalise for all white people that adopt/foster a black child but for some it's because it's easier, there's a degree of saviour complex coupled with a direct /instant visual of their good deed and some degree of fetishisation of black people/children. It can be any of those or a mix.

Or maybe they just longed for a baby & you were the one that was offered to them.

An ex flat mate (black) was adopted by white patents. They were very wealthy and wanted nothing more than to help and to love someone. As he got older numerous times the police should be called when he was seen walking in their gates community. He said they didn't see his colour and adored him. They just didn't understand he would need black role models, role models are role models to them. They worked hard and lived an amazing privileged life. In a way he found it hard he wasn't accepted by his parents peers, and tried to find his own way. He was a gentle giant, but hadn't really worked hard in school as he had it made, and he wasn't naturally academic and his parents did struggle with that aspect. They adored him, but the relationship broke down as he went into his twenties and they despaired with his laziness. He moved out to our flat and got a job. There wasn't any attitude, he was just a nicely brought up guy in a very white area suburb of London.

@Namechangedtoday2022

ifoundthebread. Thank you. I have spoken to friends etc but I wouldn't want to further upset the family.

You sound like a loving daughter op. Of course all the thoughts l, questions and feelings you are having are completely understandable. Have you sought any counselling to help you process things?

I expect its a generational thing. I think nowadays people understand a bit more about the importance of culture and belonging. Its something I wouldnt have known much about 15/20 years ago

I too am black but fostered by a white couple from a year old to early teens. My foster parents (mum and dad) were wonderful parents to me and I miss them a lots as they both died recently. Mine was a private fostering arrangement in the 70s. Very common with first generation immigrants from my parents part of the world.

I had a glorious childhood. My memories are of love, fun and joy. But I have such complex issues related to my race and heritage.

I know my mum and dad fostered me as they desperately wanted to be parents. They were, at that time, considered too old for adoption and they had friends who did private fostering which was much easier, no social workers involved.

I don't speak the language of my country of origin, I had to learn my culture as I grew and I was disconnected from my wider family. None of this is due to my foster parents but it has left me feeling very out of place.

I've thought about becoming a foster carer myself. It's a big step so haven't come to a decision yet.

A question to ask is why is the proportion of children in care to black Foster families so unbalanced? My initial thoughts :

• racism in social care and the removal of Black children when more work could be done to keep the family together
• racism at large leaving more black people exposed to factors that can ultimately make family life more difficult (disparities in physical health care, mental health care, education, work, legal system etc)
• these same issues leaving stable living black families without the resource to care for looked after children
• prejudice against black families that apply to be Foster carers

Its certainly not that black families have no culture of taking in children who need care. Many of us have families back home who do this routinely, it's just a part of life.

There's more.

Your parents did the right thing, they cared for you. They should also have cared for you culturally.

My own children are half another culture. I go out of my way to learn about it (including taking lessons in the language, cooking the cuisine, taking vacations out there, seeking out extra curricular activities where there is a large proportion of children from that culture, seeking out friends for myself from that culture and learning from them. And I'm black and their dad is black. I don't ignore the cultural differences. Your parents should not have. But that's not going to change now.

Seek therapy if you can. Commune with people you love and whom you feel comfortable with. And eventually please come to a cept your parents. We all have to accept certain things about our folks!!!!

Does this podcast interest you at all OP?

therapyforblackgirls.com/2021/05/12/session-207-transracial-adoptions/

*They should also have cared for you culturally
*
This is so much easier now we have Google on our phones and computers in our homes. But in all likelihood the OPs parents local library probably didn't have anything relevant. Times really have changed. The area OP was brought up in was white, where do you access this information on their culture? How do you know where to go? Do you have to take the child on holiday, the cost, the safety of other foster children and the adopted ones, can you even take them away?

OP - I have a similar life story except I was in private foster care. Where white families fostered mainly West African children while their parents were studying. I have also looked at my files and it is very interesting reading. My social worker from when I was in my teens sent a message with my file offering to meet with me. I was a bit overwhelmed, apprehensive and just couldn't take it all in so I declined the offer.
Anyway I was going to suggest that maybe if there was a social worker from the records department who could be or arrange a mediator for you and your parents - they may be able to explain to your parents without the emotion attached why you need answers and your parents may also be able to put their views across without the guilt or defensiveness

I definitely believe that when fostering/adopting another race/culture- you should be educated entirely on the topic. Education around typical food, music, religious stances, politics, etc. so no child ever feels like an outcast.

It feels like as fostering/adoption is such an admirable thing to do, somebody can never question their parenting without sounding 'ungrateful'.

Your feelings are valid OP.

I also don't like to think about the amount of middle aged middle class white couples who can't have biological children adopting babies/young children from vulnerable less fortunate families in order to give them 'a better life'- but that's a separate issue.

Also a lot of the time kids are placed with Foster carers because they are in need of a placement and the carers have the ability to take on a child at that time, quite often without any intention of it being a long term placement, in which case racial matching will not be seen as a big priority. But say the plan is to return child to the family only something comes to light that makes it not possible and the care plan changes to long term fostering, potentially the child might have already been with the Foster parents for a year or more, at that point it might be considered in the child's best interests to leave them in the Foster home they are in long term, rather than move them because of racial disparity between child and parents

don't like to think about the amount of middle aged middle class white couples who can't have biological children adopting babies/young children from vulnerable less fortunate families in order to give them 'a better life'- but that's a separate issue

It’s a non-existent issue, if we’re talking the current U.K. 50 years ago, maybe. Taking a child away from its biological family is (rightly) a lengthy and difficult process. SWs have enough to do, without attempting some sort of middle class family wish-fulfilment scheme.

Because so many people didn't really think it mattered as long as the child was safe & loved. White adoptees into white families who look different and don't fit in have similar issues. Just tonight someone was commenting on how my sister looks nothing like me and is a foot taller..I've had 50 years of this

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

don't like to think about the amount of middle aged middle class white couples who can't have biological children adopting babies/young children from vulnerable less fortunate families in order to give them 'a better life'- but that's a separate issue

It’s a non-existent issue, if we’re talking the current U.K. 50 years ago, maybe. Taking a child away from its biological family is (rightly) a lengthy and difficult process. SWs have enough to do, without attempting some sort of middle class family wish-fulfilment scheme.

Who's to say we are exclusively talking about the UK? This is still a huge issue in the States.

@Classicblunder

I suspect that they wanted to adopt a child and didn't think race mattered. A lot of white people think ignoring race is enough. It's naive but I suspect that they didn't intend to harm you and weren't specifically seeking out a black child, they just didn't think it was important.

I think it's also possible that it wasn't a choice between them and a loving black couple, it was between them and the care system and they thought they were better. They probably were.

I agree

I can certainly see where you're coming from, OP, and I absolutely agree that cultural background should be considered.

I'm personally interested in fostering (I have two bio children) but as a white British person living in a majority Black American city, I've questioned whether I'd be suitable. Given the area's demographics, DH and I would likely be a different race to a foster child, plus I'd be foreign. We probably wouldn't be what they need, culturally unaware, and I'd possibly be an embarrassment to an older child. My bio DS doesn't even tell his friends I'm British until they get to know each other,

My mum fostered back in the 80s and some of the children she was asked to take in were black....... I can't remember any major issues around race, We all just played and got on with things as kids do.

But the reality was we lived in a small town in Cumbria that was something like 99% white. And people forget there wasn't the social network back then.

I remember hair being a particular issue for my mum, she did her best but didn't have a bloody clue how to manage afro hair that was matted because of neglect. These days she could turn to youtube or facebook to find info, things we take for granted now but didn't exist back then. Hell we have a multi cultural forum now, we're still a majority white town but this is such a valuable resource which would have been unheard of even 20 years ago.

She also took in Kosovan refugees, again we muddled through, probably messing things up along the way but id like to think nothing life ruining happened (( we're still in touch so pretty sure it didn't!))

The big issue seems to be the fact that not many black families are adopting or fostering and at the end of the day kids in foster care need placing somewhere....... Hopefully more is being done these days to keep kids in touch with their cultural roots.

I'm sorry tou feel the way you do.If I was to foratwr or adopt i certainly would look past skin colour.
As a society we aim to be colour blind...or is this not the ultimate goal??
Besides arent there inequalities in numbers or children from different backgrounds as well as the people who aim to adopt /Foster.
It would break my heart if any child was to be left behind due to their skin colour or a childless couple denied opportunity to have a child.
I'm not sure what the answer is to the situation or the way you are feeling ,this is a very complex issue.

In the 80’s many children from Romania were adopted out, all over the world. I think the emphasis was simply finding a family vs long term institutional care.

My bio DS doesn't even tell his friends I'm British until they get to know each other

That’s very sad @Cameleongirl.

Black kids in black families are racially abused. I don't think it's anything to do with your parents being white.

@Dibbydoos yes but you aren't racially abused, both overtly and covertly, by your own parents.

You also are told by your parents and family members who look like or very similar to you how to act in society to deal with racist individuals including those in authority.

Btw this is BMN and there have been discussions before on this.