Page 4 | Why would you adopt a child outside of your race?

lavender2022 · 14/02/2022 18:24

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MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 14/02/2022 18:28

Took the words right out of my mouth. As someone whose mother was raised in the care system, I'm appalled that you're here questioning their "motives". The only thing I can understand are your issues regarding education and understanding of our culture, and their refusal to discuss why this was held back from you. Otherwise, you sound incredibly ungrateful

FFS. The OP is trying to understand a difficult childhood, which included being unable to stay with her biological family, and experiencing isolation and racism. As part of her journey to understand her childhood, she is bound to want to explore her parents' motives, just as people who have grown up in their biological families do.

YoBeaches · 14/02/2022 18:33

I think you're conflating many different situations into one and building it up into resentment against your parents, somewhat unfairly.

For example not seeing your birth mum and sisters they say was based on not causing you further disruption - that's not uncommon given your birth mum
Clearly had issues that ALL her children were removed from her care. As your guardians they were responsible for those decisions and making the best decision based on what they knew at the time.

I think anyone taking on twins would be difficult let alone when they already had foster child/children in the home. Did your foster parents work as well? As foster care payments don't really cover the true cost of a child....and timing. Different situations if they fostered and adopted later in life.

The heritage part was definitely not as well understood 40 yrs ago as it is now. It was all about getting as many children into family homes instead of group homes. That was the agenda at the time. If a white couple was willing to take a black child - thumbs up.

I think you need to research and investigate a bit about how services were run 40 years ago. It's a far far cry from where they are today.

And try to empathise with decisions they had to make at that moment in time - and probably received guidance on too.

JeffThePilot · 14/02/2022 18:33

@Esspee

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Not recognising race is racist in itself. Jane Elliott is an accessible starting point if you want to understand why.

JeffThePilot · 14/02/2022 18:37

@Namechangedtoday2022

I'm sorry you feel as you do. I do understand how important it is for a child to grow up knowing other people who look like them.

It just honestly felt like my culture was 'hidden' from me. I have it on record that my bio mum, and twin younger sisters (through their foster mum) had been told that they were not allowed to see me. In my foster mother's mind, she said that it would have caused disruption in my life, so it wasn't allowed to happen. I see it that the choice was taken away from me.

OP, as a social worker, it’s quite common that children who are long term fostered or adopted have little or no direct contact with birth families, and this is usually linked to the risks connected with that family which would’ve led to children being removed from their care in the first place. Children aren’t removed for no reason, and the social workers would have been focused on your stability and being in touch with birth family, especially as you got older, may well have undermined this stability and put you in a potentially risky/harmful situation.

However, as an absolute minimum, you should have known all about your culture, your family, and the reasons you weren’t able to live with them, and to speak openly about who you are and where you’ve come from.

lavender2022 · 14/02/2022 18:38

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Longingforatikihut · 14/02/2022 18:43

OP, your post could have been written by my ex.

Black heritage, raised from birth by white foster parents who eventually adopted her. They never helped her connect with her culture. The difference was they had asked to foster a black child and when she asked, rather than clam up like your parents they were honest. Essentially they had what I could only describe as a white saviour complex.

I don't think there is anything overtly wrong in a child being fostered or adopted outside their race. I do however think that those parents need to embrace and encourage involvement in that child's heritage.

I am sorry you had such a difficult experience, and that you're not alone. I hope one day you can find solace.

andweallsingalong · 14/02/2022 18:43

@Masterblasterjammin

My parents fostered children on long and short term basis in the 90’s, and we lived in a very predominantly white area. They would be contacted by social services who asked if they could foster a child, and given some brief background information.

Whilst they are very kind people, and I do not think they are racist, I think they also didn’t have an awareness of the issues that a black child would face in a majority white community. They didn’t have any black friends, not because they didn’t want black friends, but genuinely no black people lived in our very small town.

I obviously can’t speak to the intention of your parents, but the intentions of one were to give children safe and loving homes, even if now that might seem a bit misguided in hindsight.

Also I don’t mean this to be an inflammatory question, but imagine if they had a phone call from a social worker asking them to take in a black child, and they declined because the child was black. Surely that would be a pretty awful thing to do?

Agree with this. Not sure how old you are, but 20-30 years ago it was believed that everyone was the same regardless of skin colour and so bringing up a child black or white was bringing up a child. That simple.

Its only more recently that knowledge has shifted to acknowledge the importance of children knowing their background and culture.

Your parents probably don't know how to answer your questions and may feel them accusatory, especially if their friendship groups don't have any diversity. Imagine you know nothing about your culture and see a child as a blank page?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 14/02/2022 18:45

unless OP suffered any abuse either physical/sexual or otherwise, I pose the question again, why would they feel their parent's motives were negative in any way?

Does everyone who grew up in their biological family, and who wasn't abused, feel 100% gratitude to their parents? Are people who grew up in their biological family allowed to question their parents' motives?

Why is it only looked-after kids who are supposed to be perpetually grateful?

ldontWanna · 14/02/2022 18:47

@lavender2022 because she's wondering why.

Why other (white children) were fostered and not her sisters?

Why other (white children) were adopted and not her?

And it sounds like she feels like they denied her a family, a belonging, either by having her sisters fostered or at least a connection with them, or making her part of their family.

That is a massive thing to deal with and be able to make peace with even without the racism, isolation etc she faced all alone.

RedWingBoots · 14/02/2022 18:48

OP I probably can explain why your foster parents refused to have your twin sisters as
I actually know a few people who were in long term foster care or adopted by white Christian couples and single women. The people I know are all now between 50-60 and some are black, black mixed and white Jewish.

Anyway the white couples and single women who had more than one child who was visibly different to them got racial abused on the street by strangers. My friends and acquaintances have all told me stories with tears in their eyes of being between 3-5 years old and the first time they realised what was happening to their mum.

I was also shown a photo by someone I worked with who is mixed but looks white. It was a 70s advert to place her in a foster home and it called her a "N*&# child".

EchoNan · 14/02/2022 18:50

I was placed in foster care for some years in the sixties and seventies.
So what you say resonates with me OP. I had kind people look after me but I felt as though I didn't fit in, because no one else looked like me.

I think all those decades ago, some things were very wrong. Foster parents were often floundering as much as we were. Faithfully following awful advice from people they thought knew best.

ldontWanna · 14/02/2022 18:50

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

unless OP suffered any abuse either physical/sexual or otherwise, I pose the question again, why would they feel their parent's motives were negative in any way?

Does everyone who grew up in their biological family, and who wasn't abused, feel 100% gratitude to their parents? Are people who grew up in their biological family allowed to question their parents' motives?

Why is it only looked-after kids who are supposed to be perpetually grateful?

Because we're unwanted,leftovers ,scraps so anything above the bare minimum, anything short of abuse if more than good enough and we should be eternally grateful for it. How dare we question or object?

lunar1 · 14/02/2022 18:51

@Namechangedtoday2022

lunar I am sorry to hear that. Will you hold out until you find a suitable match?

It was 15 years ago now. The social worker was incredibly negative about our prospects so I had the fertility treatment instead.

I love my children more than this world and would never be without them. A small part of me deeply misses the adopted child I never had. There is a definite gap in my life where they should have been. DH thinks it will still happen in some way, he thinks a child will come into our life who really needs us.

lavender2022 · 14/02/2022 18:53

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

unless OP suffered any abuse either physical/sexual or otherwise, I pose the question again, why would they feel their parent's motives were negative in any way?

Does everyone who grew up in their biological family, and who wasn't abused, feel 100% gratitude to their parents? Are people who grew up in their biological family allowed to question their parents' motives?

Why is it only looked-after kids who are supposed to be perpetually grateful?

Absolutely not. I am one of those people who did grow up with both of their biological parents, never suffered any sexual abuse (but some physical abuse), but generally speaking, had a decent childhood, but I can definitely sit here and say that I do not feel 100% gratitude towards them. So, fair point, perhaps that's the wrong word. But I do not question their motives. Does that make sense? No, I don't feel "gratitude" towards them because that was their job, they chose to have 5 children so whether or not it was difficult, I'm not grateful to them at all. The same way I would never expect my DC to be grateful towards me. But I guess we're getting off topic here because being grateful to a biological parent and being grateful to a non-biological parent are two completely different things. So to be clear, no, I do not think OP should be "grateful" towards her non-biological parents whatsoever. They chose to take her in, to care for her, to raise her etc. But do I think it's fair to question their motives, especially where there was apparently no abuse or even remotely making her feel "out of place" as a black child? No, I don't think that's fair.

EchoNan · 14/02/2022 18:54

My white foster mother was racially abused, and referred to as a N lover.

StylishMummy · 14/02/2022 19:00

I'm prefacing this by saying I'm white, but DH and I are looking into fostering & we've been told only around 8-10% of foster caters across the U.K. are BAME & black foster carers are a tiny minority. This monitory gets even smaller the further north you go.

If you want to help solve the problem, encourage more black and Asian friends to foster. There's simply not enough supply to meet the demand for culturally appropriate matches in all cases

lavender2022 · 14/02/2022 19:04

@ldontWanna Because we're unwanted,leftovers ,scraps so anything above the bare minimum, anything short of abuse if more than good enough and we should be eternally grateful for it. How dare we question or object?

When you use the term "we", are you referring to "we" as in black children, or "we" as in children in the care system? Because if it's the former then no, that's absolutely not what I'm saying at all and I would be sat here saying exactly the same thing if the roles were reversed ie black foster parents, white child. I do not think any child should feel "gratitude" in terms of being cared for/raised/taken in whether it's by a biological parent or non-biological parent. So I want to be clear when stating that that was the wrong term that I used in my original post. However, I stand by the fact that their motives should not be questioned because they did their job to the best of their ability.

mummykel16 · 14/02/2022 19:08

@Namechangedtoday2022

Hi. I'm a regular but have name changed. This post is NOT to cause offence to anyone but I need answers, particularly from other black people on here.

Okay. So I was fostered by white parents. I grew up in a very white middle class area, etc. While I am grateful for the love and time and care they put into looking after me, I suffered horrendous racism: verbally, physically, etc. Which, of course, was NOT my parent's fault.

But I still can't understand why they fostered me. There were no other black people in the school I attended, there were no black role models for me to look up to, talk to, about black issues and, I think, the most surprising thing that I noticed when I was around 14, was that my parents had no black friends . They never talked about any black issues or issues that I might be facing, and withheld information about my bio family, which really they shouldn't have done.

So, black mumsnetters, am I being unreasonable in thinking that them fostering me was more for their benefit/inquisitiveness that mine? Or should I just be grateful that they looked after me. I just find it strange. I have tried to talk to them about it before but I was very quickly shut down!

As a child, who was fostered, I believe that I should be able to give my side/opinions and not be dismissed. I know my foster parents gave a lot of opinions about me.

I love my parents to bits but I have to say, I think it was a very selfish move, given that I was surrounded by not an ounce of my culture. And there seemed no effort to try to.

For further context, they travelled over 300 miles to 'collect' me. And I also know that they seemed to love me more when I was "little and cute" and couldn't talk

I will repeat, this is not intended as a racist post. But I have been quietened so many times in the past that it just seems unfair. I don't question their love for me but, I have to be honest, I do question their motive.

Perhaps because they knew/know it is so much more difficult for black kids to be adopted/fostered by anyone at all , which is a sad reflection on the black community.

RedWingBoots · 14/02/2022 19:14

@lunar1 it's a shame as I know someone who has managed to adopt two children and they have a similar ethnic make up to yours and your husband's. I suspect it is because they are London based as even further out you get this - www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/our-work/news/manders-win-race-adoption-case

Einszwei · 14/02/2022 19:14

There has been a segment on the One Show about this tonight.

Unfortuantley there are just not enough black adoptive and foster parents to accommodate the amount of black children in the system.

If it is a choice between finding an adoptive family of a different race and being in care for life, I can understand the need for black children in the UK to be placed with white families. Even though it is less than ideal, it is the best of the two outcomes. There needs to be more support for families and children in mixed race adoptions in terms of culture and identity.

The saviour complex of adopting children from abroad is another issue.

headintheproverbial · 14/02/2022 19:16

I think many white people especially going back a generation or so just have / had absolutely no idea about racism or white privilege. They probably gave little or no thought to your specific needs as a black person - they just saw a child who needed love and a home and didn't see much beyond that. They then of course were not equipped to properly help or support you despite wanting nothing but the best for you.

So it's a classic case of intent vs impact. Good intent terrible impact on you.

DaddyPiglet · 14/02/2022 19:18

The saviour complex of adopting children from abroad is another issue.

This 100% exists irrespective of race, it's a theme of some people who work with children, wanting to be praised by others. I've mentioned my mother on this thread a bit earlier

lunar1 · 14/02/2022 19:20

@RedWingBoots, we are in the north west, so while there is plenty of diversity there isn't a huge amount of Hindu children waiting for adoption, or at least there wasn't at the time.

Gowithme · 14/02/2022 19:34

I think it's so sad OP that your sisters weren't fostered with you when they were born and that they never adopted you. I think it must be very hard to have to try to guess their motives because they won't speak to you about it - it feels emotionally abusive although that may not be intentional on their part. Maybe they wanted to be the white saviours but felt like they only needed one baby to make the point, maybe they just didn't feel like they could cope with twin babies. It's such a sad situation for you though :-(