Why would you adopt a child outside of your race?

[Namechangedtoday2022]

Hi. I'm a regular but have name changed. This post is NOT to cause offence to anyone but I need answers, particularly from other black people on here.

Okay. So I was fostered by white parents. I grew up in a very white middle class area, etc. While I am grateful for the love and time and care they put into looking after me, I suffered horrendous racism: verbally, physically, etc. Which, of course, was NOT my parent's fault.

But I still can't understand why they fostered me. There were no other black people in the school I attended, there were no black role models for me to look up to, talk to, about black issues and, I think, the most surprising thing that I noticed when I was around 14, was that my parents had no black friends . They never talked about any black issues or issues that I might be facing, and withheld information about my bio family, which really they shouldn't have done.

So, black mumsnetters, am I being unreasonable in thinking that them fostering me was more for their benefit/inquisitiveness that mine? Or should I just be grateful that they looked after me. I just find it strange. I have tried to talk to them about it before but I was very quickly shut down!

As a child, who was fostered, I believe that I should be able to give my side/opinions and not be dismissed. I know my foster parents gave a lot of opinions about me.

I love my parents to bits but I have to say, I think it was a very selfish move, given that I was surrounded by not an ounce of my culture. And there seemed no effort to try to.

For further context, they travelled over 300 miles to 'collect' me. And I also know that they seemed to love me more when I was "little and cute" and couldn't talk

I will repeat, this is not intended as a racist post. But I have been quietened so many times in the past that it just seems unfair. I don't question their love for me but, I have to be honest, I do question their motive.

lunar I am sorry to hear that. Will you hold out until you find a suitable match?

What age are you OP?

Wasn't there a controversy about this a little while ago? Social workers refusing to place children until they could find a home of matching ethnicity and as a consequence children spending too long in group accommodation with the potential damage that can cause?
I really feel for your pain although I am white and wasn't fostered. It must be very hard to feel so disconnected from your past.
I guess your parents might feel hurt by what feels to them like a rejection of who they are?
I know this is am MN standard but do you think that counsalling mught help you to make sense of your feelings. I believe that there are BAME boards on here where you might get advice about where to look?

I know this is am MN standard but do you think that counsalling mught help you to make sense of your feelings. I believe that there are BAME boards on here where you might get advice about where to look?

Yes, I will do that. Thank you.

@Namechangedtoday2022

What would have happened to you if they hadn’t fostered you?

I would have stayed with this lady who I was already living with until they found another family?

You don't know that though. Potentially that lady was not a long term Foster carer, or she might have made the decision to stop fostering, or she might have got ill or died or anything. And there's a chance you might not have ever been adopted by black parents. The harsh reality is that you were most likely to have moved from Foster home to Foster home, or lived in a care home until 18.

When I was younger I fostered and childminded. I did short term and emergency fostering for the LA, and also fostered Nigerian children for Save the Children. At the time there was a lot of discussion re inter-racial fostering, and during the 70s it was frowned upon, resulting in thousands of black children being in care, because generally black families did not foster at that time. By the 80s they were beginning to realise that a child is better off being loved, even if it is by people of a different race, and even if it isn't the ideal thing for a child, for the reasons you have stated. I'm sorry you feel as you do. I do understand how important it is for a child to grow up knowing other people who look like them.

Figrollface

I'm in my 40s

You were fostered as a “very young baby”
But was separated from your younger twin sisters because your foster parents didn’t want them?

Your birth mother went on to have more children after you were placed in foster care? This would make their stance re not having your siblings more understandable

I'm sorry you feel as you do. I do understand how important it is for a child to grow up knowing other people who look like them.

It just honestly felt like my culture was 'hidden' from me. I have it on record that my bio mum, and twin younger sisters (through their foster mum) had been told that they were not allowed to see me. In my foster mother's mind, she said that it would have caused disruption in my life, so it wasn't allowed to happen. I see it that the choice was taken away from me.

@Namechangedtoday2022 are you resentful (to whatever degree) that they separated you from your family(by not fostering your sisters) while never fully making you part of theirs (by not adopting you when they have other foster children)?

*Toanewstart23,

Your birth mother went on to have more children after you were placed in foster care? This would make their stance re not having your siblings more understandable

In what way?

@Namechangedtoday2022 are you resentful (to whatever degree) that they separated you from your family(by not fostering your sisters) while never fully making you part of theirs (by not adopting you when they have other foster children)?

This 100 per cent. So, I've always felt that I didn't belong anywhere.

Because when they fostered you as a a very young baby
You twin sisters hasn’t been born
So their circumstances when your twin sisters were to be fostered
Perhaps their circumstances didn’t allow for another two babies

Were your sisters fostered?

Toanewstart23 I was never separated from them as I was never with them. They came into the world when I was already fostered.

[quote Namechangedtoday2022]**@Namechangedtoday2022 are you resentful (to whatever degree) that they separated you from your family(by not fostering your sisters) while never fully making you part of theirs (by not adopting you when they have other foster children)?

This 100 per cent. So, I've always felt that I didn't belong anywhere.[/quote]
Do you also feel or they made you feel ,even if not intentionally, like you were/they made a mistake?

I do apologise for the very intrusive questions.

I think 20+ (?) years ago, there wasn’t the understanding we have now of the effect of race in parents/child relationship.
It was ok to go abroad and adopt children from a different race. It was seen as normal/ok/a good thing.
Another question that is coming to my mind is whether there are enough foster parents available so that a child automatically has a foster parent of their own race. I know there isnt enough foster parents in the first place so maybe there wasn’t a choice iyswim.

It’s hard to say what actually drive your foster parents to come and find you. Many possible reasons really but it sounds like the Relationship has broken down somehow, regardless of the race element :(

@Namechangedtoday2022

Toanewstart23 I was never separated from them as I was never with them. They came into the world when I was already fostered.

Yes

So my point was they didn’t separate you. When you said they they refused to take your sisters, I was horrified that they’d done that.
But your sisters came along after you had been with them, so it’s more understandable that they didn’t.

Were you sisters fostered?

Why do so few Bame parents come forward to foster or adopt children?

If it helps, my mum was a foster carer and was absolutely useless to both them and her biological kids. She was black and had non-black foster teens. Someone being from the same culture doesn't automatically mean everything will work out, many people have ulterior motives for getting involved- more so for fostering due to the financial element.

I think any parent is better than no parent - whether that’s in the form of a straight couple, gay couple, single parent or parents of other races.
So I do think you should be grateful you had a ‘home’.
There are also many more white foster parents than other races so it would be unfair if only white children were ever fostered or adopted.

But I completely understand what you mean about feeling left out and how in hindsight would it have been better for you to stay in children’s homes instead.

I feel sorry for my DD as I have no black people in my family and she is half black but isn’t in contact with her dad or any of his family. She also goes to an all white school and our area is all white people, so she must definitely feel like the odd one out.
I don’t know how I can make that better though as I can’t move.

I am white so guessing here.
I’ve often thought it was the same attitude used by missionaries going to Africa and Asia.

A colonialists attitude.
Whites thought of themselves as superior so in their eyes you could only benefit from their experience.

Shocking. That your dp’s refused to adopt you and having decided they’d done their duty by one black child declined two more.
Thank goodness it’s changed.

I hope you can come to terms with it OP.