Why would you adopt a child outside of your race?

[Namechangedtoday2022]

Hi. I'm a regular but have name changed. This post is NOT to cause offence to anyone but I need answers, particularly from other black people on here.

Okay. So I was fostered by white parents. I grew up in a very white middle class area, etc. While I am grateful for the love and time and care they put into looking after me, I suffered horrendous racism: verbally, physically, etc. Which, of course, was NOT my parent's fault.

But I still can't understand why they fostered me. There were no other black people in the school I attended, there were no black role models for me to look up to, talk to, about black issues and, I think, the most surprising thing that I noticed when I was around 14, was that my parents had no black friends . They never talked about any black issues or issues that I might be facing, and withheld information about my bio family, which really they shouldn't have done.

So, black mumsnetters, am I being unreasonable in thinking that them fostering me was more for their benefit/inquisitiveness that mine? Or should I just be grateful that they looked after me. I just find it strange. I have tried to talk to them about it before but I was very quickly shut down!

As a child, who was fostered, I believe that I should be able to give my side/opinions and not be dismissed. I know my foster parents gave a lot of opinions about me.

I love my parents to bits but I have to say, I think it was a very selfish move, given that I was surrounded by not an ounce of my culture. And there seemed no effort to try to.

For further context, they travelled over 300 miles to 'collect' me. And I also know that they seemed to love me more when I was "little and cute" and couldn't talk

I will repeat, this is not intended as a racist post. But I have been quietened so many times in the past that it just seems unfair. I don't question their love for me but, I have to be honest, I do question their motive.

I think attitudes to this have changed a lot in 40 years. My Dad's cousins who are mixed race were adopted at a similar time to you. If you suggested to his Aunt and Uncle that they shouldn't do so because they are white they'd think you were the racist. To them, there's no "black" or "white" way to raise a child.

Its slightly different in that Dad's other cousins are also mixed race (so Dad and his sister were the only white cousins), so I imagine there wasn't the sense of isolation that you had which must have been very difficult. Probably also a big difference in being in working class inner city Birmingham rather than a middle class white town.

I didn't really think about it myself until I was considering adoption as an adult and realised that this would no longer be accepted. And honestly, I understand why we've moved past saying we "don't see race" but I find it very difficult to think that if my uncles were needing adoption today, they could be stuck in the care system because somebody thinks they don't look like our family.

How old are you, o/p?

Back when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, people were just starting to acknowledge racism, that certain language wasn’t acceptable etc, equality awareness and all that. Especially in the middle classes.

However what most people did was try to be completely colour blind. So adopting a black baby would be no different to adopting a white child, you’d raise them exactly the same as you’d raise your white child.

To be fair it was the same with all adoptions, this is your child now, bring them up as you would any other. A bit of a 70’s hippy ethos really, everyone is the same and we are all equal.

It’s only relatively recently, as adoption has been studied and talked about, that a person’s need to connect with their heritage has been recognised. Which is now why we try to place children within their own ethnicity, and why bio parents are allowed to write letters, even keep in touch.

It must be so difficult knowing your parents did their best, but also that leaves you with no answers. Have you thought about DNA or requesting adoption records?

I wonder if there's a way of helping your foster parents to understand the issues better without them feeling defensive? If you're in your forties are they getting elderly now? From a different era? They probably felt they did their best. They should have done better but if there's still love between you more understanding and compassion is possible.

Lemn Sissay has an interesting and sad story of fostering with a white family. Not like yours but maybe eye opening for them.

I must be a minority of one, I don't believe race or colour is the be all and end all when it comes to adoption or fostering, that would be love - time - ability.

Hi ,
I'm not black but I wanted to give you my opinion from an adopters point of view. Please ignore if this is not relevant.
I think there are two separate things in your post. Your foster mom and dad seem to have been v uncaring in not helping you learn about your race and also tje favt that they didn't want to adopt you. Other adopters of children outside of their rrace might be similar or different to them.
We adopted my ds 9 years ago. He is mixed race but a very uncommon mixture. Je couldn't live anywhere near the area he was born in (anywhere within 100miles was deemed unsafe) he was categorised as hard to place because if his heritage, his birth moms mental health issues and the danger of him being 'seen' . We were approached about him and we fitted all the "boxes" I was an re teacher at the time so I habe knowledge of his background, we have always promoted we will openly talk to him about his background, the fact he's adopted and why he was placed with us. So we are very different to your foster family. He is outside our race but his background is not ignored . X

It's much easier now than back in the day

@mummykel16

I must be a minority of one, I don't believe race or colour is the be all and end all when it comes to adoption or fostering, that would be love - time - ability.

That's because studies,research, child psychology etc disagree with you. You're not the only one though, not even on this thread. You can stay in that group or read a little bit about and try to understand.

@Namechangedtoday2022 this has been a really interesting thread, thanks for asking the question and thanks to all that have responded.

@ldontWanna
"Because we're unwanted,leftovers ,scraps so anything above the bare minimum, anything short of abuse if more than good enough and we should be eternally grateful for it. How dare we question or object?"

This is often the attitude unfortunately.

I present as white, although not sure what the mix is in reality, beyond some "traveller" genes in the mix.

What I do find odd and indeed it makes me quite upset, angry even, sometimes, is that overseas and therefore often mixed race adoptions still go ahead despite there being children 'left behind' in our own communities.

So much to unpick around that. I suspect much of it for me is selfishly thinking that it could have been me left in care at some level.

Not that I bear any child or anyone ill will of any sort.

That's because studies,research, child psychology etc disagree with you. You're not the only one though, not even on this thread. You can stay in that group or read a little bit about and try to understand.

Pp really didn't say anything controversial, just that race alone is not the deciding factor of who gets to be adopted into a family. Leaving black kids in care because there aren't enough black adopters (through no fault of the children themselves) is a terrible idea

@abcdeg

That's because studies,research, child psychology etc disagree with you. You're not the only one though, not even on this thread. You can stay in that group or read a little bit about and try to understand.

Pp really didn't say anything controversial, just that race alone is not the deciding factor of who gets to be adopted into a family. Leaving black kids in care because there aren't enough black adopters (through no fault of the children themselves) is a terrible idea

Actually you're right, I apologise. It is not the end all or be all, but it is very very important.

Any child who goes into adoption/ fostering/ home will have identity issues. They don't know their parents. Their sense of 'place' is not as firm as those of us brought up by our parents.

Black kids in black families are racially abused. I don't think it's anything to do with your parents being white. I'm mixed race BTW, brought up in a very white area and racially abused. I was different, you were different, we stick out. But my attitude was that the bullies weren't more important than I was, so I faced up to them - had loads of fights I don't recall losing any - thankfully I stopped at 13yo when a girl started on me and when I saw her face the following day I was sickened and swore never to fight again. The bullying stopped at that time too.

I would suggest having some counselling to work out why you feel tge way you do. I personally think you're asking the wrong question.

Importantly, you were/are loved and tgar is something you should remember. X

Take care.

Name change check

I can't imagine how difficult your life has been, OP. You must have been very confused and lonely.

I imagine it was less of a political statement and more a series of poor (mostly due to ignorance) decisions.

I don't know your age, but can I assume this was the 80s, maybe early 90's? Perhaps earlier?

Foster care was not what it is today. Foster parents did not receive the same level of training, allowances etc and the general wellbeing/suffering of children was not as recognisable as it is today. Trauma was overlooked, familial ties were not prioritised in the same way, racial/cultural/religious identities were white washed without thought and many children were simply swept into the abyss.

Your foster parents would have simply accepted a child they were offered. This could have been due to a number of reasons. Being taken three hundred miles from your birth family is odd by even the 80's standards. If there wasn't at risk from your birth family or long term plans to keep you in care/reasons you were unlikely to be able to return to the family this was very possibly because your foster parents were at the top of the waiting list for foster carers willing to accept a non-white child. The reasoning for a non-black foster family may be simply due to the fact that there wasn't one.

Even now in excess of 80% of foster carers in the UK are white, I imagine that number was far higher when you were a child as historically it has (so very, very wrongly) been more difficult for BAME individuals to qualify as foster carers. Statistically you were most likely to be placed with white foster carers regardless of your own ethnicity.

I find your lack of black role models terrible. Your social workers, foster parents and school should have coordinated/organised for you to be involved in classes/groups/social clubs/support groups/mentor schemes that strengthened your cultural identity. Again, I believe the fact this never happened was SHEER IGNORANCE and not an intentional decision either by your foster parents or social services. You were in a long term, caring foster home. That in itself would be seen as 'doing enough'.

In relation to not fostering your siblings, again, that was very possibly a sign of the times. I know foster parents, even now, who have been warned of the dangers of fostering siblings born into foster care (like your situation) when there is a child already in the home due to the very real possibility the birth parents may continue to have more children. In the 80's/90's I imagine this was also much more common place. They may simply have refused given the risk that they didn't want to commit to having your sisters and then for a member of the extended family to be able to take custody of them (and not you) or that they commit to having three and then Mum falls pregnant again and they can't manage all of you. The timing may also have not been conducive if they had other children in the home etc.

Your anger is rightful. Completely. You were failed on a number of levels and I feel this is a conversation that you really need to have both with a counsellor and your foster parents. Even the local authority because the sheer number of failings you experienced were outrageous. I'm so sorry that you've struggled and I really hope you've managed to strengthen your relationship with your sisters

I suspect that your parents - and most people at that time - would have started from the opposite assumption: why wouldn't you foster a child of another race? And they would have thought the only possible answer to that was 'because you're a racist'.

I can tell you why we did, simply because there are so many black and dual heritage children in the system compared to black and dual heritage parents. The LA looked for parents to match their heritage before we were considered but it came down to a choice of us or remain in the system and so we were approved. My love for my children has nothing to do with colour / culture or anything else - I do know though that as they grow up I need to work with them to understand their own background.

I don’t know if it’s about location but our kids school is not mostly white so no problem there, my best friends are not white which is helpful to me as they would be the ones I turn to for parenting advise anyway so they add an extra perspective.

The sad reality is that the children in the system do not reflect the background of the people looking to adopt.

Things have changed now.
When we were adopting we were asked if we would take children from other countries (we said we would consider it) and were then told we can't anyway as they try to match children ethnically and culturally as best as possible.
There is more understanding of the issues you have faced but still not enough diversity amongst adopters for it to work properly.

Not sure how old you are op, but could it have been a decision made with good intentions but naively? I think as a society we understand a lot more now about race and identity, but 20 - 30 years ago, not so much. Perhaps your parents thought that as your race didn't matter to them, that would be enough? It sounds very difficult to have experienced all that, with no one to understand and support you

I would probably not adopt a child of a different race unless I had a partner of that heritage, not because I want a child ‘like me’ but because I can never understand how it feels to live that experience and I would feel that they needed someone who knew how it felt. Having said that, I have known of, read about, adoptions like this that have worked very well.

@Namechangedtoday2022

It’s taken me a long time to unpick things and I’m not really there yet. But just acknowledging that I AM missing a lot of pieces of the puzzle has been a positive first step…

BenjiMcSchmenzie it sounds as if we have been through quite similar. I have never felt whole. How do you cope with this on a day to day basis? I admit I struggle, somewhat.

To be honest I just try to stifle the feelings / ignore them / distract myself as much as possible, but it is ALWAYS there beneath the surface and I do feel cheated if I’m honest, Counselling helps.

Do you have people in your life now who can help you understand your background and culture a bit more? I find this helpful.

I deal with children in care professionally, unfortunately this is still very common. Of the top of my head I can think of 3 sets of white British foster parents who are long-term fostering BAME children. Also foster carers are frequently unenthusiastic about contact as "it unsettles the children". Sadly I do not find your story surprising. Not sure what the answer is.

I think the issue mostly is how your foster parents treated you and ignored your identity.

I am a white mother to a mixed-race DS whose father is totally absent from his life. I live in a predominantly white part of the country and constantly worry about the lack of diversity and covert/overt racism around. But I am going to great lengths to supply my son with all the black culture that I can and appreciate that he will potentially (probably) face some difficulty in being mixed-race in a wholly white family due to the absence of his father and extended black family.

I know that some would say that my case is different because I’m a biological parent, but I’m not sure it is, as I could be a bad biological parent or a great foster/adoptive parent. I do think, though, that identity for kids in care or who have been adopted is already a very fraught issue and so adding in a lack of cultural, religious or racial understanding is almost always going to make that sense of lost or unknown identity worse.

I am white and an adoptee. I hope it’s ok to post here on this thread.

I agree that there has always been a shortage of BAME foster carers and adopters. I don’t know why that is - some adoption agencies have set up special projects to raise awareness of fostering and adoption in BAME communities.

But the fact remains that a most families coming forward and white and many children awaiting families are BAME. Often their exact background is mixed or unknown and this can be an issue for some BAME families.

Often sibling groups are a complex mix and it’s impossible to find a family that is eg Christian and Muslim and European and Chinese.

So the option for social services has been to either accept less than perfect matches or to keep children in care throughout their childhoods and then perhaps end up in residential care as teens. That’s a really bad outcome for children.

I agree with you OP that there should be much more support and education for foster carers / adopters. But there’s next to nothing - once they have the child, social services wash their hands of them.

I also agree with the Pp who said that many adoptees / former foster kids have identity issues . But I’m sure these are even more complicated In trans racial families and I don’t want to brush off your concerns with “well we all feel like that”.

I hope I’ve not said anything to offend - apologies if I have.

@mummykel16

I must be a minority of one, I don't believe race or colour is the be all and end all when it comes to adoption or fostering, that would be love - time - ability.

I think people can successfully adopt children of another race, of course they can. Could I, as a white person, fully understand what its like to grow up black (or asian, or another marginalised community)? Of course not. Would I be able to adopt and love a child of another race? Yes, absolutely I know I could. But would I be the best parent for them? I don't know.

should it matter? No. Does it matter? Yes. Unfortunately.

And apologies- didn't realise this was the black mums netters topic or read OP properly. Will leave the thread now.

I think it was probably an emotive decision. Seeing a child who needed a home and wanting to provide that but not thinking beyond that gut reaction. But should people in general? If someone is in need of helping should we think about whether we are the best person to provide help or just try to help? If that were the case many people would not even try to help others. Does there need to be qualifications? Just asking- I've no firm answers myself.

Really I think the placement mechanisms and support from social services might be what was at fault here. Structural racism rather than the fault of well meaning individuals who were raised in a culture rife in structural racism.