Why would you adopt a child outside of your race?

[Namechangedtoday2022]

Hi. I'm a regular but have name changed. This post is NOT to cause offence to anyone but I need answers, particularly from other black people on here.

Okay. So I was fostered by white parents. I grew up in a very white middle class area, etc. While I am grateful for the love and time and care they put into looking after me, I suffered horrendous racism: verbally, physically, etc. Which, of course, was NOT my parent's fault.

But I still can't understand why they fostered me. There were no other black people in the school I attended, there were no black role models for me to look up to, talk to, about black issues and, I think, the most surprising thing that I noticed when I was around 14, was that my parents had no black friends . They never talked about any black issues or issues that I might be facing, and withheld information about my bio family, which really they shouldn't have done.

So, black mumsnetters, am I being unreasonable in thinking that them fostering me was more for their benefit/inquisitiveness that mine? Or should I just be grateful that they looked after me. I just find it strange. I have tried to talk to them about it before but I was very quickly shut down!

As a child, who was fostered, I believe that I should be able to give my side/opinions and not be dismissed. I know my foster parents gave a lot of opinions about me.

I love my parents to bits but I have to say, I think it was a very selfish move, given that I was surrounded by not an ounce of my culture. And there seemed no effort to try to.

For further context, they travelled over 300 miles to 'collect' me. And I also know that they seemed to love me more when I was "little and cute" and couldn't talk

I will repeat, this is not intended as a racist post. But I have been quietened so many times in the past that it just seems unfair. I don't question their love for me but, I have to be honest, I do question their motive.

@shatteredmum1 did your birth mother have an affair?

@shatteredmum1 I am so so sorry. I see you.❤️

Yes she did. My sister remembers holding me , I had three brothers as well. They have always thought of me as their sister. When my birth mother died they all thought I should know.
When my birth sister met me after telling me what happened was.
^ "Look I'm nearly as brown as you"
Whenever I have a discussion about my experience of racism with a white person the answer is ALWAYS the same.
"Really! to me you look white "
Without fail.
As a child I was spat at , called all the names under the son.
Never has a white person expressed shock, sympathy EVER.
I was a child!!
My birth sister describes her father ( the man that sent me back) as a good man.
A white woman will have lived a completely different experience.
I may blow a gasket if I'm told there is no racism here. I probably sound deranged but I'm not. I'm not bitter either.
I'm living in Kent!!^

@shatteredmum1

I'm white with an adopted son (white/black African). I'm not entirely sure what you are asking me to 'defend' as a white person.
It sounds to me that your birth mum,who I think is white, had an affair which resulted in a pregnancy. Her husband agreed to stay in the marriage and bring you up but when it became apparent you could not be his child, he could no longer do that. It would have been apparent to the world that his wife had an affair and that you were not his child.
I think the your mum probably had 2 choices. Leave her husband and family and try and raise you alone, probably stigmatised for having a black child and probably in poverty. Or place you for adoption in the hope that you would have a better life.
I'm not defending her, but nor would I condemn her. I can understand her decision. It was a decision that many women had to make in the 1960s and 70s when society was less accepting of single mothers, regardless of ethnicity, and there was less support in terms of benefits.

Ted27
Ok, this is what happened next. My mother's husband was fully aware of
my mother's affair . He also knew my father was not white. I didn't say he was you have assumed it. My mother was a qualified nurse.My father was a brown man in a white man's world. I don't want to out myself.When I tell people where I get my colour from its always a wow moment. My mother's husband was a bus driver! The least qualified.
My brothers and sisters bonded with me .they loved me.My mother's husband didn't like my colour.
This next bit is very sad. My sister remembers pushing my pram back to the health centre.
My mother then disappeared for several years.She left four children no one knew where she was.
The family fell apart but obviously much than having a brown sister. My mother reappeared years later .One of my brother's committed suicide .
Do you seriously think this was for the best. I'm being facetious but this was the reality.
My heart breaks for my mother.I wish I had met her.
Anyway I'm adopted by my white parents
They didn't understand the bullying,why would they. I made my first suicide attempt at fourteen . I was sectioned in the same year.I made another suicide attempt at sixteen.And then again.
I loved my parents .My mother would keep my foster mother's phone number by the phone and threaten to send me back. I knew she couldn't but I actually had been sent back before.
She had white privilege.
My first boyfriend was Nigerian. My mother told me if I had a child with him she wouldn't accept it.
All sorts of other things too sad.
My brother was half Spanish btw.
My brother and I cut ties with her.She couldn't accept us deep down. She met my son a couple of times, refused to meet my daughter. She died a lonely bitter woman.
I'm not actually nuts or bitter I can understand why she was like that. My brother can't.
This has made me so strong, I'm indestructible.
But please don't tell me it was for the best

Do you think your life is better than it might have been had you remained in the care system?

@shatteredmum1 I’m sorry for your loss, I can see that you’ve had a lot of hard things happen in your life. I can also see that you are very angry.

The original poster started this thread 18 months ago. It’s in black Mumsnetters so most people on this board and who read this thread will be black.

Also most will not be adoptive parents , relinquishing birth parents , foster carers or adopters. They are unlikely to be social workers or adoption solicitors . So most of them are not part of the ‘system’ that was inclined in placing you for adoption. None of them need to “ defend “ anything TBH as they are not guilty.

As your birth mother wasn’t able to care for you and ( I’m guessing )your birth father didn’t want you, social workers would have first sought to place you within your extended family. Again I assume that wasn’t an option so you were placed with unrelated adopters.

For decades now, the policy has been to, if possible, place children with families from similar backgrounds . It seems that in your case no black or mixed heritage family came forward to adopt you. I’m afraid it’s still the case that not enough black families come forward to adopt and foster.

So it sounds the options for you were a white family or foster and then residential care. Obviously that was an unhappy experience and I’m sorry it’s worked out so badly for you.

I can understand if you feel that you would have done better staying within the care system . However many long term fostered children end up in residential care as teenagers and there’s lots of research to show that in general kids do much better in permanent families.

Im sorry it wasn’t a good outcome for you and I hope you find some healing and peace.

My grandmother (white) fostered my aunts (black) in around 1964 . after having my dad (her bio son) she wanted another biological baby but that didn’t happen as she was in her 40s so she looked into fostering and arranged it with the help of her church and Bernardo’s. She probably did in some way think it was her Christian duty as she was big into the church. She never said she was specifically looking for a black child but was asked if she would take my aunt because “she has done missionary work in Africa” - this was pre WW2 - so not exactly relevant I would think! And my aunts background is from the West Indies anyway.

She was offered one aunt who was at that point in a children’s home in London - this is the 1960s so essentially an orphanage (grandma lived in a rural village in Home Counties). When she went to collect her she ended up coming home with my other aunt as well (safeguarding etc all clearly very robust back then) and says she did so because the girls were friends and didn’t want to separate them.

I know there were many issues - hair, racism, separation trauma etc. My aunts were most definitely the only non white people in their rural village in the 1960s and 1970s. Back then the social care extent seemed to be 1. Is the foster parent from a “nice” middle class background? Yes - ok have some kids. 2. No follow up no support. My aunts remember being hit if they misbehaved but so does my dad (her bio white son) and all three agree she treated them the same in that regard. (So not great parenting by our standards possibly ok by 1960s)

one of my aunts has since made contact with extended members of her birth family, has visited her ancestral home etc and has reconnected with her culture of birth. The other has not and lives a culturally “white” life. the aunt who has reached out to her north culture and my grandmother had several fiery clashes and times of non communication but always reconciled

my grandmother was never allowed to adopt them due to her age (my grandfather btw was essentially absent from family life, he worked, ate and retired to his study with his pipe) but treated them in all ways the same as her birth son - called them her daughters, said she had three children, paid for education, weddings and first cars, remembered in the will etc. my dad remembers getting into multiple fights to “defend” his sisters honour with the other children. I was raised “colour blind” in the way kids were in the 1980s - my dad is white, his sisters are black - it was a long time before I realised they weren’t bio related - I thought it was normal for siblings to be different skin colours.

Nowadays I have a mixed race DD and can totally see the way that she wants to explore both of her cultures naturally, so I can see why having a culturally matched adoption is ideal but idea that my aunts might not be my aunts becuase or the colour of their skin meant they stayed in a children’s home (with all the abuses that might well have entailed) rather than being my aunts is abhorrent. In an ideal world they would have been adopted by someone from their culture (but then they might have been split up and they are devoted to each other) but I don’t think their was an ideal world back then.

if there is a lack of bame foster parents now I assume there were near none in 1964, and if your are your 40s OP then you must have been fostered in the 1980s - I wonder how many options there were for you.

what stands out though is that your parents adopted your younger white siblings but not you. That would hurt. My grandma wanted to adopt my aunts so much that they were looking into if it could be done as adults before she died, so that we could all formally be family.

I can see why maybe your parents didn’t feel able to take your twin sisters but to then adopt your younger white foster siblings but not you (if there was no legal reason they couldn’t adopt you) is really upsetting and I feel for you.

in short I think in general in the 1980s like the 1960s children. probably better off in a non culturally matched foster home than in group care (and children probably still are now)and the only foster homes going are probably white so the general principle that if a culturally matched home can’t be found any home is better than none stands but the fact that your parents don’t treat you as equal to their other children is abhorrent and I’m so sorry. The reality in 1980 probably meant your foster family was going to be white but they should have found a white family that valued you the same as your siblings.

I'm not angry believe it or not.
Out of all my mothers children I had the better deal. It was awful when I met my sister.Those kids really suffered. I felt responsible in a way. My sister had been obsessed with finding me .She wanted me to be the answer to all their problems. Those children were left to fend for themselves while their father worked.
They didn't tell anyone my mother had gone.I'm not angry, I was the lucky one.
I'm absolutely fearless. My mother didn't want to meet me I think she thought I would blame her.
And actually latest research shows that children benefit from a relationship with their birth mother. The separation from my mother then a foster parent has affected me mentally.
I would have traded in my whole childhood for her to tell me she loved me .My adopted mother didn't love me unconditionally.
My brother and I didn't take after my white
parents.Nature kicked in in a big way.White privilege couldn't control us. Academically we weren't like them. I'm not angry at all . It's sad .I'm sad that my mother wouldn't meet me. . Thank goodness things have changed now , she would have been supported..
My parents had money, I had a private education. I can appreciate culture.I wasn't loved unconditionally. I never felt safe.
We weren't protected as children. That is very sad.

@shatteredmum1

yes I did assume, but rightly if I am reading your post correctly? Your family story is obviously very complex.

Of course I don’t think any of it was for ‘ the best’ and I am genuinely sorry for the difficulties that you and your siblings experienced.
But I’m still not clear what you are ‘double daring the white ladies’ to do. what part of your story am I supposed to be defending?

Sometimes it can really really help if parents can acknowledge that they made mistakes and apologise.

Thank you for those who posted kind comments and to those who tried to understand my plight.

I posted under a different account, last year, but was so upset by some of the responses that I deleted my account. I was accused of being ungrateful, spoilt, or words to that effect.

However, after around 18 months of soul searching, counselling and speaking with my mum. This is now my take on it:

I will ABSOLUTELY stand by the fact that, growing up with a family of a different race with different surroundings, that I did not CHOOSE to be in, presented difficulties. And I will absolutely stand by the fact that my parents were very short-sighted, or perhaps, naive. That is not to take away the fact they loved me.

I have had this conversation with my mum, and I was very honest with her. She did not realise the inner turmoil I had and says that if she could do things differently, she would have brought me up around more people like me so that I had a sense of belonging.

I also found out why my sisters were unable to grow up with me, and a couple of other heart-wrentching facts.

My mum was shocked and saddened when I retold some of the stuff that had happened. She said she assumed that people were like her, not really caring about skin colour. She says she wished that I had come to her sooner.

So, for those who called me ungrateful; far from it. But I should also be able to have a voice and to be able to express my feelings on the situation that I grew up in.

It becomes a very peculiar world when those who experienced transracial adoption are shut down/minimised for speaking their truth. Wouldn't you agree?!

I agree with your last sentence, and I speak as someone who has worked with children most of my life in various ways. In the sixties I worked in a Childrens home with children of various backgrounds. In the seventies I fostered and minded a lot of children. During that time, authorities were saying that children should not be adopted outside their race. Unfortunately there was a severe lack of black families wanting to adopt, and that led to a lot of children being passed around from one home to another, ironically often with foster families outside the childrens races. I remember lengthy conversations with social workers, who were young and idealistic. My view then was, as it is now, that love is the most important thing for a child's well-being. Far better for a child to be brought up with love in a different race family, than to be passed around from place to place, never being really loved. I do concede that a child needs to see people who look like them, though, and as you have found, if they don't, something very big is missing. I'd ask you to perhaps consider which would have been worse for you, growing up without a parent's love, or having what you had. Unfortunately the compromises you have had to live with have not, and never could be, easy, and I'm sorry.

I'd ask you to perhaps consider which would have been worse for you, growing up without a parent's love, or having what you had.

The answer is obvious but why should it be an either/or?

Again, I have never dismissed the love that my parents gave me. But the issue here is a sense of belonging. Something I could have had with them, as well as being cared for. Both are possible.

https://www.today.com/parents/family/black-adoptees-transracial-adoption-tips-white-parents-rcna68821

@Namechangedtoday2022 Sorry it won't let me quote your reply to me, but you're right. In an ideal world you would have been adopted by someone of the same race, in a family where everyone looked like you, where family traditions passed down through generations could have been shared with you. But the fact is, most adopters are white because white people are still in the majority here. When you are desperate to have a child and are offered the chance to adopt a baby, I think your emotions are so overwhelming, you don't consider anything beyond the feeling of a baby in your arms.
When I fostered pre adoption newborns, one of my babies, mixed race, was adopted by a white couple, who received extra counselling before they met the baby. The social worker pointed out potential future problems, but having been told there was a newborn ready for them, after 12 years of infertility, I think their attitude was "Yes, yes, never mind all that, give me the baby" . Unfortunately, I think those problems , dismissed when he was a newborn, reared their ugly heads when the child was a teenager, and were so bad that I wouldn't be surprised if they are completely estranged now.
There are all sorts of difficulties associated with adoption of all kinds. Some lucky families avoid them, Most don't. I don't know what the answers are, I wish I did. I do know that the answer isn't allowing children to languish in the care system because a family with the same ethnic background cannot be found.

Howareyouflower

In an ideal world, I could have been with a family (any race) that catered for my ethnicity. After all, they chose me, I did not 'choose" them.

I dont mean to sound rude but I'm failing to see what you find so hard to understand about a situation that I was in, and why you ate still arguing the toss.

It's probably best for me to seek replies from people who have been in my situation and can understand.

You are not telling me anything that I don't already know..

I agree with you that people who adopt outside their race should absolutely try their best to help the child to stay connected to people of their own race/culture. I don't think black children should be placed in families who only have white friends and family, who live in a predominantly white area.
In fact, when I fostered Nigerian children (through Save the Children) I lived in a mainly white area. And though the children saw their families often, I did know how important it was to help them stay connected, even if they were only away from their parents for a few months. I couldn't do much, but I made sure that there were black dolls in the house. I asked the first Mum to teach me how to care for her child's skin and hair, and I found a set of Ladybird books (The Sunbird series) that were full of pictures of things that were familiar to children who had recently moved from Nigeria. This was also very useful for those born here, but whose parents were planning to move back home.
Either your parents were not given enough help and advice before your adoption, or they chose to ignore it, and I don't know which is worse.

Nothing will persuade me that it would have been better for my son to stay in foster care rather than be adopted by me just because I am white

While there has to be extensive work done to make sure birth cultures are respected and kept in children's lives, the starting point of the entire discussion has to be the above.