Black men protesting BLM but exclusively dating white women

[LillyFlower1984]

I’m always confused about black men or men of colour in the media and RL who shout racism/BLM and so on yet when you look at their lifestyle they are married to white women. When you go on to find out more they only ever have dated/married white women.... what are people’s take on this?

Of course anyone black or white should support BLM, it's like me as a person with one white parent saying 'but all lives matter too'

It's really not.

@DeeCeeCherry

They are hypocrites. My own male relatives date White Women yet if I were to ever date a White man they'd be in uproar.

Most Black Men who date White are like that. Mandingo Syndrome. Often to be found (behind their White Woman's back) seeking out and craving the ear and attention and often more,of a Black woman.

They want a foot in both camps and when we as Black Women say 'Nah, no thanks' we get the rude, bitchy, jealous (of White Women), aggressive blah blah labels, because we won't give them what they want which is sexual variety on tap.

I recall back in the day being sent to Coventry by Black men at work, as they thought I was dating a White male colleague. They all had White partners.

The "Black Lives Matter but oh wait I won't date Black tho" thing ties in with it all. That type is probably screaming BLM as they're indignant about not being able to sit at Massa's table and have all that he has too.

They'd throw us under the bus in a nanosecond so I make sure I don't align with them.

I meant to agree with this earlier.

I come across a lot of Black men in my line of work with this kind of attitude. As a senior level Black woman, they ALWAYS expect me to have a white partner. They are always visibly shocked when I (eventually) reveal that my DH is as (insert African country name) as they come. This type of man then starts stumbling and stuttering about their own home lives...you know the ones.

It's no coincidence that Black men in the UK are more likely to have white partners than any other race, and that more Black women of a similar age are either single parents or never married.

In the context of this discussion, this type of Black man is vehemently able to support BLM, yet doesn't support Black women. The two concepts can happily co-exist within the same individual. Cognitive dissonance goes a long way to explain how this person rationalises the two thought processes 🤷🏿‍♀️

What you are saying though OP is the equivalant to a vocal feminist is a hypocrite for marrying or being in a relationship with a man, or calling out sexism or misogyny whenever she sees it. Surely people can have a relationship with any person they choose and still call out inqualities in society televant to their own group? And so what if a person has a preference for someone with a different skin colour, is it any worse than a preference for blondes/brunettes/redheads, slim or curvy? Yes its superficial and demonstrates shallowness possibly?

@PeachesBright

What if this hypothetical black man exclusively dates white women because he is attracted to white women and isn't attracted to black women?

I know white men who exclusively date white women because they aren't attracted to black women.
I know white and black men who exclusively date black women because they aren't attracted to white women.

People always post similar to what you just post to try and justify their bigotry.

@JayDot500

I know white and black men who exclusively date black women because they aren't attracted to white women.

In most cases, the white man in this scenario would not give you a list of generic/stereotypical/ridiculous reasons why they don't date white women.

You have taken my comment out of context. Obviously my comment was part of a longer post, which I have reposted below for clarity..

What if this hypothetical black man exclusively dates white women because he is attracted to white women and isn't attracted to black women?

I know white men who exclusively date white women because they aren't attracted to black women.
I know white and black men who exclusively date black women because they aren't attracted to white women.

Neither the white or black men list generic/sterotypical/ridiculous reasons why they don't date white women (or black women, actually)
They date who they date because that is who they are exclusively attracted to. The reason given by the white and black men for not dating white women is because they aren't attracted to them. Same reason is given by the white and black men for not dating black women - they are just not attracted to them.

I have dated white, black and Asian men. I have never dated a white man with blonde hair and I never would because I am not attracted to fair hair at all.

Is who people date equivalent to people being murdered? How bizarre.

Can only lesbians be feminist? Surely you date/marry who you are attracted to.

Yes Peaches because it's all just preference isn't it. Preference that doesn't develop in a vacuum but in a world that is steeped in Eurocentric beauty ideals on one hand and the hypersexualisation of Black men and the BBC in the other as a masculinity ideal. Even if you want to argue that point it is still heavily influenced by race, racism and misogyny.

But I'm sure to you it's just a preference. I wonder why these particular black men have to go out of their way to degrade and insult innocent black women to defend this preference that nobody is asking them to defend.

I see your point to an extent OP, but the reason men support BLM is because it affects THEM.

I'm not sure their distaste towards black women is what I'd call racist because I don't think you can be racist to your own race. Self hate is probably a more accurate phrase I would use - and this is not all black men that date white women either. A fair few but certainly not all.

The problem is, many people assume if you're with a white person that's all you've ever been with and so other black pepper judge you as not being able to enter their 'camp' because you're not 'black' enough and in a way, I feel like this is where this thread is going.

This is the bigger problem, and one of the main reasons out black community has little unity and the problems as it does.

Can I ask does this work both ways? The two most pivotal (Black) women to me re BLM on social media are married to white men. One of them used what I would describe as very anti-white language/rhetoric, so I was surprised by her choice of spouse. Do black women also hold negative stereotypes of black men?

I've never had a black man tell me he wouldn't date a black woman but I have had black women tell me they wouldn't date a black man. I'm old so don't have many discussions about dating so this goes back 30 years so things might have changed and it might also be because I was more likely to discuss dating and who people fancied with female friends.

Actually thinking about it I have had black women say some pretty horrible things about black men which as a mother of sons makes me sad.

Here's my perspective;

I'm a mixed race person, but I look white. I did online dating for about 5 years. Dated white guys and black guys. (Scottish, Canadian, French, Jamaican, Barbadian, Ghanian and also Indonesian)

Some were nice. Some not so nice. Some of the English and Scottish guys were really mysoginistic. One black guy kept telling me that Black guys liked two things. White women and chicken. He also used to say that there was nothing better than Seeing Black in White.

This proves nothing. And yes, Black Lives Matter. I saw a post on the Black Mumsnetters section earlier today which demonstrates this perfectly. Here it is.

@nevereverplease

I see your point to an extent OP, but the reason men support BLM is because it affects THEM.

I'm not sure their distaste towards black women is what I'd call racist because I don't think you can be racist to your own race. Self hate is probably a more accurate phrase I would use - and this is not all black men that date white women either. A fair few but certainly not all.

The problem is, many people assume if you're with a white person that's all you've ever been with and so other black pepper judge you as not being able to enter their 'camp' because you're not 'black' enough and in a way, I feel like this is where this thread is going.

This is the bigger problem, and one of the main reasons out black community has little unity and the problems as it does.

I think that is false. I have two brothers - in-law both married to white women. I couldn't care less about their dating history.

The first is an ardent BLM supporter and supportive of black people including black women. I have never heard him disparage black women. The second is always professing his hatred of black women, they are liars, ugly, disgusting etc, and extolling white women and their virtues. Guess who thinks not all black lives matter?

Or is always loud to give the other side when anything concerns black women, or quick to say she is so bitchy because she is black single and loud, but black Men are innocent and unfairly harassed. He also has a big problem with BW dating non-black Men despite professing he wouldn't touch one with a six foot pole. His support of BLM is not sincere not because he has a white wife but because he has issues himself with his own race and accepting it.

I don't care that either of them are married to white women, I care that one goes out of his way to insult me and all black women everyday to justify his preference. Why would I want unity with a person like that?

@KadyDarcy I agree, you shouldn't want unity with someone like that he sounds like an idiot - but that's him creating the issue isn't it not you.

My example wasn't about people like him. He is definitely part of a problem also creating an issue in the black community being able to fully unite.

For as long as black men don't find black women 'attractive' (which is a big issue) then black people cannot unite like other races.

However, for as long as black people judge each other on who they choose to date, we are also not going to be able to unite.

When white people marry other races, other white people generally don't Chastise and disown them from the race.

One thing I will say (not black fwiw) is that men will always find a way to pit women against each other. I remember being made to feel old (by an old guy!) in my early/mid 20s at work because a girl started who was 18/19.

So I hope no one listens to their shit when they start trying to say 'black woman are this, white womenswear are that'. Because it's all just bollocks. Start comparing them to superior men and shut them up.

I don't date black men - not really sure why. I'm not racist but for whatever reason it's not something on my radar. Wouldn't rule it out but I'm definitely aware that he could have friends, family or exes that disapprove and I wouldn't want to be in that position.

As for black men who won't date black women who knows? Some people just don't like being who they are. I know a lot of leftie white people who dislike other white people, seeing them as less moral. If you are black or Asian you are automatically A Better Person. Especially if you were born outside the UK. Bonus points for not speaking English too.

Everyone wants to be someone they are not. It's human nature. What is really out of order is when they try to then put that onto other people.

Ooh very interesting thread

I do see the op point, but it's not help full at all..., isn't the whole point of anti racism that we should be able to date who we like? Marry who we like?

No questions asked just accepted?

It's no coincidence that Black men in the UK are more likely to have white partners than any other race, and that more Black women of a similar age are either single parents or never married.

100%

It’s also ironic, PP least likely to experience this internalised racism or whatever you want to call it, are the ones invalidating others lived experience.

@SpaceRaiders

It's no coincidence that Black men in the UK are more likely to have white partners than any other race, and that more Black women of a similar age are either single parents or never married.

100%

It’s also ironic, PP least likely to experience this internalised racism or whatever you want to call it, are the ones invalidating others lived experience.

this and calling it racist or counterproductive to point out

Because it does not directly affect them

@Tangledtresses

Ooh very interesting thread

I do see the op point, but it's not help full at all..., isn't the whole point of anti racism that we should be able to date who we like? Marry who we like?

No questions asked just accepted?

I think the OP was saying she was confused by Black men who support BLM, and exclusively date white women.

The premise isn't an issue in itself, however there is a prevalence of a particular type of Black man who believes he supports BLM, but expresses strong negativity towards Black women. That kind of Black man ALWAYS has a white partner. I don't think anyone on the thread has suggested that all Black men who have white partners behave that way.

@PeachesBright
Neither the white or black men list generic/sterotypical/ridiculous reasons why they don't date white women (or black women, actually)
They date who they date because that is who they are exclusively attracted to. The reason given by the white and black men for not dating white women is because they aren't attracted to them. Same reason is given by the white and black men for not dating black women - they are just not attracted to them.

Erm, that's an awfully simplistic view from where I am standing.

@KadyDarcy
Preference that doesn't develop in a vacuum but in a world that is steeped in Eurocentric beauty ideals on one hand and the hypersexualisation of Black men and the BBC in the other as a masculinity ideal. Even if you want to argue that point it is still heavily influenced by race, racism and misogyny.

Here's your answer Peaches. I have a lovely black husband, and two black sons. I am not anti-male, or anti-interracial dating, or anything like that. Problems exist within the black community. Pretending these problems don't exist is a disservice to my black female existence. I know I want my sons to know the full picture.

I’m really glad some people see my point that this is a deep black issue about self-hatred. It runs in black men AND women. In fact come to think of it I have come across black womenswear who also say derogatory things about black men, date white men and then cry racism. It really is not a discussion that I expect white people to fully understand but it is an issue.

No I’m not saying you cannot date outside your race, what I do say is I cannot see how you can cry BLM which is fundamentally Afrocentric in many ways and then completely ostracise your own race when it comes to a romantic partner.

@JayDot500

I agree that peaches interprets this from a very superficial aspect. It’s easy to say that if you are Caucasian especially in the West where beauty ideals are very Eurocentric.

It’s the sane as the white privilege discussion which was actually one of the elements that fuelled this forum- an opportunity for black people to discuss black issues in a safe environment without constant toy having to appease the feelings of white peoples. Yet again white females (predominantly I’m sure) have flocked to a discussion about black people.

Someone upthread mentioned they do t see why white remakes would comment yet some of the posters typically opposed to my views have already identified as white females married to black/mixed race men.

@yomommasmomma

So since my husband has previously dated (lots!!) of black women before marrying me, he is allowed to support BLM, but if he had only ever dated me and perhaps one or 2 other white women, he would not be allowed to?

I don't understand what is so wrong with dating outside of your race, obviously I am biased, but what is some people's issue with it?

Perfect example

Willfully misunderstanding, centering her feelings, not taking a moment to actually listen, not a shred of nuance.

This is why posters said in the previous thread that proximity to blackness does not make you all knowing on black issues (hell I don't know everything am im black), sensitive to black issues, absolve you of racism or microagressions or grant you airtime or automatic entry into black spaces because you have a black partner, child, insert whatever relative here.

OP I get what you’re trying to say but that’s not a matter you or any other black/Asian /white person has a say on. There are a few issues there and I believe you’re convoluting them.

It may be that said black man has only Ever dated white or Asian women bcos that’s who’s he’s had a connection with. This does not mean he should be questioned by narrow minded people like yourself.

The other issue is what I believe you are trying to make the point here. That there are black men & women who exclusively date outside of their race and it’s linked to racism and feelings that they are struggling with about their own race, whether they know this or not, I still believe this is not anyone’s business- especially busybodies likes you. Who the hell are you to say what they can and cannot support? It’s almost like saying during World War One and two, Jews who had only ever dated and married non Jews are hypocritical in their support for the many Jews that are suffering. These people have siblings and parents and nieces and nephews etc who are black or Jewish and most importantly their kids will be half black /they are black so of course they have EVERY right to support it and be as vocal as the the next black man who’s only ever shagged black women.

And before you jump on the ‘white’ attack with me- no, I am not white. I am a woman of colour in a family with many other colours including white black Asian.

It’s people like you on both sides that incite the wrong type of convo which inevitably divides and leads to hate.