Online dating as a Black woman...

[babynumber2pending]

Right. Reactivated my online dating account as I was bored and thought it might be nice to have conversations with some new guys and see where it goes.

Anyway, I get talking to this white French guy. All seems to be going well. He asked me what type of guy I go for and I said that I dont really mind about ethnicity...but! If im going to date someone who isn't Black I want to be reassured they aren't racist or that Black women aren't a fetish to them.

He then claims that he has never heard of the fetishisation of Black people. I said okay well its definitely a thing but we can move on.

5 or so minutes later he then says...would you be my slave in the bedroom? To which I just responded with the shocked emoji because I genuinely was. He then said he obviously isn't being serious he just wanted to be funny. I just told him that its not funny to say things like that, let's just move on. Anyways the conversation moved on to something else, then he said he had something serious to ask me...lo and behold! He asked the exact same thing again. This time I just replied saying no and I'm uncomfortable and that this isn't funny.

I guess I'm really shocked that he found that funny. Totally put me off online dating altogether.

Has something similar ever happened to anyone else?

Shocking the sweeping generalisation @TellItToTheStars made. How would you like it if someone said the same about black women?

Preferences are fine although I’ve always found it slightly odd to discard a whole race (not all x men act/look the same).
Saying black men don’t wine/dine, get their own dinner etc is so rude.

I could say:
All black people who only date white people usually have a lot of self hatred, and fetishise lighter skin.
Just based on my experience

^I’m sure you wouldn’t like that

Just to clarify I don’t believe that last statement I was just using it show how ridiculous pp’s comments about black men were and her excuse “I can only judge from my experience”

I’ve only been mugged by an Asian man - doesn’t mean it’s acceptable I can say I don’t want to be friends with an Asian they all steal in my experience

Ok I've found that the men that I have been approached by from Indian subcontinent countries, whether they be raised in Britain or not, generally bring up what 'native' food I can make. I am judged negatively if cooking biriyanis and making fresh rotis whilst juggling a full time career is not a thing I do. White/ English men have placed equal emphasis on my 'amazingggg' skin colour and the hope that I too can knock out a saag aloo every night. But yes it's the putting on a pedestal my exoticness, the something different that is unsettling.

I find it disturbing the way this thread has turned to focus on TellItToTheStars preference in white men which I knew would happen as soon as the words left her keyboard.

She mentioned it in one of her posts but never gave the reason for her preference which she only offered after someone enquired at why she only dated white men.

I don't agree with her generalisation of black men or white men for that matter but I don't think she came on her trying to promote that view. She merely gave her reason for her choices and I think people should give it a rest.

@maggiethecat your clearly on a different page to the rest of us! The person went on to say that others MUST be racists and go on about food. That is why some are rattled.... I’m personally not. Get it right if your going to tell other posters to give it a rest.

Look, people can date whoever they please. As long as they are not putting down another person's race in order to justify their reasons. I personally would not state I would only date men from one race only, because I am not inclined to think that way.

@TellItToTheStars

Some people on this thread are getting offended that I only date white men. I think this in itself is racism. It happens in real life too, my black female colleagues don't like that fact either. To each his own, i prefer white men for whatever reason it is my preference just as some of you prefer black men for whatever reason. I think we should just accept we are all free to date whom we please

Nope @TellItToTheStars

I'm not racist because I am offended that you have generalised black men. That makes me offended at your racism. I might very well be racist, but the above does not qualify me as such.

I don't have a problem with who you date; I have a problem with your inference about black men.

I also hear similar about black women from some men: 'I just don't find black women attractive, they are too x,y,z'. No doubt some black women are those things, but black women, per se, are not those things, just some black women. Black people are diverse. That is the point I was making. You do not seem to think black men are diverse and I find that racist. Just like someone saying all black women are the same.

To be very very clear, I have no opinion on who you date - male, female, intersex, bi, straight, gay, black, white, asian, mixed race, able bodied, disabled, Christian, Muslim, Jain, Sikh........ I have a problem with your treatment of black men. I'd have that same problem if you said it about white men.

Also, it's just stupid. All racism is stupid. Actually nonsensical. Also dangerous.

So sad I have to say this on black mumsnet to a woman who says she is black.

Maybe we should have a conversation about what it means to be black. Is it enough to be identified as black just on the basis of your skin colour? Because if you have dark brown skin, but you are openly racist against black people, please someone tell me, are you black? I definitely feel like being racist against black people should disqualify you from calling yourself black!

@maggiethecat

@TellItToTheStars labelled people offended at her racism as racist. I don't 'rest' when I see what I believe is unequivocally racist, and I defend myself when I am called racist, as others are.

You know what it is? I'm just really disappointed that this was set up as a safe space, and within no time someone is saying white men are better than black men, and calling black women racist for not liking it.

I notice that @TellItToTheStars never responded to my question. Do the black men in your life fit the negative stereotype that you’ve portrayed of black men?

I'm not going down the rabbit hole of who said what/who was racist which led to further charges of racism.....

TellItToTheStars was contributing to the thread, offering her opinion in an inoffensive way until she mentioned that she only dated white men which probably raised many eyebrows. She could have responded to the enquiry at her choice by being evasive or simply saying it was nobody's business but she gave her opinion which she said is based on her experience.

I'm not bothered by being/not being on anyone else's page as my view is simply it's her choice who she wants to love and she never came on here trying to promote her view. She was responding to someone who probably took issue with her choice.

@maggiethecat

I agree with you that she was not racist until she was racist. On black mumsnet.

Now as I understand this, you are taking issue with black women stating their offence at her being racist.

On black mumsnet.

I find this so confusing. I'm wondering what we should have done. I can't speak for anyone but myself, however I imagine that many of us are black, and mothers - this being black mumsnet. So we have skin in the game and we want a better world for them where our BLACK SONS will not be decried by people whom they have never met, and our BLACK DAUGHTERS whom we do not want to told to be quiet when they are fighting racist views targeted at their brothers.

I'm going to step off now, I'm repeating myself and being boring!

my view is simply it's her choice who she wants to love and she never came on here trying to promote her view. She was responding to someone who probably took issue with her choice.

Don’t think anyone has an issue with people having preferences as previously stated!!

However it’s unfair for that poster to make sweeping racist generalisations... and then accuse us of being the racist ones when we rightly call her out.

Also, bit of a reach how you claim “she was responding to someone who probably took issue with her choice ” when the pp who asked didn’t say anything rude?

We differ on whether she is being racist for expressing her preference based on her life experiences of black and white men.

I have black men in my family who could easily support her stereotype of domestic nightmare and others whose behaviour could easily dispel it. I don't know that she has implied that all black men are the former but I do know that she has said what her experiences have been.

msrobot - "Don’t think anyone has an issue with people having preferences as previously stated!! "

Some have stated their discomfort with her view, previous posters even suggesting this as evidence of self hatred, recommending counselling etc.

It obviously has touched a nerve. I don't personally know anyone who only dates people outside of their race but I won't judge.

“Some have stated their discomfort with her view, previous posters even suggesting this as evidence of self hatred, recommending counselling etc.”

^I’m sorry but I don’t see how their discomfort is any worse than her views. Also I still took it that these posters were only responding to the unfair generalisations being made, not focusing on her preference (can agree to disagree on that)

Also if you can allow one poster to make sweeping generalisations, don’t think it’s fair to call out those making another generalisation (e.g., she may have self hatred)

Although would like to say although I may not agree, I’m sorry if my posts came across as overly cross at you. I appreciate you haven’t actually said anything rude, and you have a right to your views. I feel like I see far too many petty arguments on mumsnet haha

mrsrobot - I note that the poster is of Caribbean heritage and although attitudes are changing I have to admit that Caribbean culture is still skewed toward a greater female domestic burden. If her relationships leaned this way I can understand her not wanting them.

mrsrobot - posted before I saw your last post. I see it as people having very strong views on the matter, rather than being cross, and I get that.

[quote Sugarintheplum]@maggiethecat

I agree with you that she was not racist until she was racist. On black mumsnet.

Now as I understand this, you are taking issue with black women stating their offence at her being racist.

On black mumsnet.

I find this so confusing. I'm wondering what we should have done. I can't speak for anyone but myself, however I imagine that many of us are black, and mothers - this being black mumsnet. So we have skin in the game and we want a better world for them where our BLACK SONS will not be decried by people whom they have never met, and our BLACK DAUGHTERS whom we do not want to told to be quiet when they are fighting racist views targeted at their brothers.

I'm going to step off now, I'm repeating myself and being boring![/quote]
Brilliantly put.

My dad is a good black man,
a true gem. He is faithful to my mom, a good provider, he helps out with household responsibilities. On the other hand my two brothers, i love them to bits but wouldn't recommend them for husbsnds. They are very well educated but it takes more than a good education to make a good man. I'm just being real. My ex-husband was also from the Caribbean...again...he is a total waste of space, same age group as my brothers. So trust me, i know about black men and having seen what i see, i'm not going there again. I've been there, done that. Like i said, my experience is based on Caribbean men that i've been with.

TellitToTheStars It is your choice who you date. It just is not right to allude that all black men are the same.

@crazyduchess. You need to reply "I've never slept with a fat guy" or something similarly offensive

@TellItToTheStars, you realise that white men cheat too and that there are many who are as bad as your brothers and many who are as good as your dad.

In other words, what you complain about in your brothers is not uniquely a black man thing.

You should love dating white men because you like them not BECAUSE they are not black. By that I mean, it shouldn’t be because you feel black men have a fundamental innate flaw that does not manifest in white men.

You will be bitterly disappointed chasing an illusion that white me are superior in their treatment of women. You’ll be sad to hear and learn, there is good and bad in every race.

When I was online dating on not-specifically Black sites, I generally only got messaged by those who had a fetish (I'm of West African heritage, so dark-skinned). It made my skin crawl.

Online dating as a Black woman on mainstream sites is extremely depressing. If you read any research, they give statistics about how the majority of men look for, and respond to, any other race of woman many times more than they do for Black women.

I also remember seeing many Black male profiles openly stating that they didn't date Black women, so not to contact them, or that their preference was white women.

If you're looking for a Black man through online dating, go for one of the sites for Black people. I gave up on online dating before I got there, so can't recommend any. Met my (Black) DH quite randomly in the end.

"I also remember seeing many Black male profiles openly stating that they didn't date Black women, so not to contact them, or that their preference was white women

Not to worry, i won't

Bumble is a good site for online dating as it gives the women the power to chose who contacts you. You can weed out the bad men. I met my current bf on Bumble. He is a good man