Online dating as a Black woman...

[babynumber2pending]

Right. Reactivated my online dating account as I was bored and thought it might be nice to have conversations with some new guys and see where it goes.

Anyway, I get talking to this white French guy. All seems to be going well. He asked me what type of guy I go for and I said that I dont really mind about ethnicity...but! If im going to date someone who isn't Black I want to be reassured they aren't racist or that Black women aren't a fetish to them.

He then claims that he has never heard of the fetishisation of Black people. I said okay well its definitely a thing but we can move on.

5 or so minutes later he then says...would you be my slave in the bedroom? To which I just responded with the shocked emoji because I genuinely was. He then said he obviously isn't being serious he just wanted to be funny. I just told him that its not funny to say things like that, let's just move on. Anyways the conversation moved on to something else, then he said he had something serious to ask me...lo and behold! He asked the exact same thing again. This time I just replied saying no and I'm uncomfortable and that this isn't funny.

I guess I'm really shocked that he found that funny. Totally put me off online dating altogether.

Has something similar ever happened to anyone else?

he then says...would you be my slave in the bedroom?

I'm disgusted. The wanker.

@babynumber2pending i'm not sure what you are talking about, in my experience the white men i've dated get their own lunch and dinner, keep their flats clean and don't expect anything from me domestically. They also beg and cry and get all heart broken when the relationship ends. I have not experienced this with a black man. I can only judge from my experience.

[quote TellItToTheStars]@lboogy i mostly date white men because they like to wine and dine, go on holidays, go to the theatre and they are less domestically demanding[/quote]
@TellItToTheStars

Eh? Lmao. How utterly ridiculous. That's like saying I was robbed once by a black man and that man or men represent the whole.

This reeks of self- hatred. I dearly hope you don't treat any sons you may produce with this level of contempt

Do you not see all white women on here moaning about how terrible their husbands are ? White men are not all they are cracked up to be.

Iboogy - TellitTotheStars has referred to her experience of black men, not yours or anyone else's, compared to her experience of white men.

It's not for you or me to judge her self worth.

@TellItToTheStars It’s sad that you believe black men won’t “keep their flats clean” or “buy their own dinner”. I’ve dated both black and white men and this hasn’t been my experience at all. Also all my black male family members don’t fit your description. Do your black male friends and family act like that?

God that's hideous, what an absolute twat.

As a white woman I can't share your experience from the same perspective, but there does seem to be an awful lot of men OLD who think they're Christian bloody Grey and the woman will fall at their feet for this kind of bullshit.

It's bad enough without the racial context but how someone can be so dense as to go down that road in the situation you describe is baffling.

I hope you're experiences improve

...along with spelling

My spelling...bloody hell, I have clearly lost the ability to type today.

@MintyCedric Don't worry about the typos!

Yep, he is a twat. I've given it a bit of a break for now anyway, I have Christmas planning and celebrating to keep me busy.

That’s disgusting. I have been lucky to never have come across a man like that. I have dated white and black and have definitely seen a difference. But at the end of the day they are all men with good and bad parts.

To clarify i've been on dates with black men and i've been asked do you cook, when are you cooking for me on a first date. I've not been asked this by a white man on a date.

@Bacter Why would you assume my self esteem is low because i prefer to date white men? I like being a black woman and i enjoy my Caribbean heritage and i can assure you my self-esteem is intact.

Have you been to France OP? Need I say more about Charles de gulle airport it was enough to make me consider never travelling back again to France and that’s because of the people! Sorry to offend anybody but I have never come across such miserable and arrogant people!

Also France can be quite racist so I’m not surprised about what the guy suggested. I would of just blocked him right away no explanation at all next time OP.

@Everlastingyes

It’s not bad to only date white men, some people prefer certain physical characteristics and can’t help who they are attracted to. I’m white and only date while men as it’s what I’m attracted to. I don’t think white people are better in any sense it’s just I have an ideal , tall dark hair etc that I’m attracted to.

sigh

OLD is a long time ago for me. But I remember people having references to looking for Nubian princesses which always made me

@TellItToTheStars

To clarify i've been on dates with black men and i've been asked do you cook, when are you cooking for me on a first date. I've not been asked this by a white man on a date.

@TellItToTheStars

This might just be down to chance. Statistically speaking, this is very likely. One is much less likely to perceive a trend that comes about by chance as the sample size increases. One would need to date possibly hundreds and hundreds of men to ascertain this kind of trend and to state beyond reasonable doubt, that it was down to the man being black or white and not just chance that the black ones were chauvinist and the white ones enlightened.

Generally speaking, what you said is just racist.

Personally speaking, I've dated probably 10-12 black men in my life (not sure if that's a lot, a few years-long relationships in there) and I think the me cooking conversation has come up once or twice - ugh. FAR more often the man has taken great pains to swear down HE was an excellent cook and couldn't wait to show me. One whose mum was terminally ill and he had to pay all bills for his younger siblings, was the proper daddy to them even at 19, and he washed the rice for about 10 minutes. I asked him what the heck he was doing! He said he wanted to impress me, the poor love - awww. One was great at making this salsa, banker, really senior at only 30 years old, generous to a fault, we travelled a lot and I only had to mention I wanted a snack and I found myself eating that wonderful salt and vinegar calamari at Zuma,. My husband cleans the bathroom weekly and cooks three nights dinner at least every weekend. He's not perfect, but that he does do. So, your experiences have just been crap. That might just be down to chance, but it also might be something do with the black men you are choosing, or something about your interactions with them (maybe some of your own prejudice?) that contributes to the conditions that give rise to these kinds of conversations.

in any case, I want to be clear: what you've said is racist. For the sake of yourself and everyone you come in to contact with, please get it sorted.

Oh, I should say. I'm at my parents house, and my mum is sitting on the sofa next to me and my dad, black man, has just come and picked up her empty plate and is in the kitchen washing it now.

I simply don't see your point at all!

Some people on this thread are getting offended that I only date white men. I think this in itself is racism. It happens in real life too, my black female colleagues don't like that fact either. To each his own, i prefer white men for whatever reason it is my preference just as some of you prefer black men for whatever reason. I think we should just accept we are all free to date whom we please

@TellItToTheStars

I think people were offended because it came across that you only liked white men because of something they inherently have over black men. You are right, people can date who they like but it isn't fair to say that a reason you like one race is because people from another race don't do xyz. Its a huge generalisation. There is not need to compare. The equivalent for us would be...I only date black women because...they wear weave and bonnets to bed or they are good cooks. This would be a generalisation.

Black men just come from ranging backgrounds so I think people are rightly offended, given that they have black men in their family.

If you like white men, again that is totally fine, but leave black men out of the picture when explaining your reason. My experience with the French guy didn't put me off all French or white men, and had I had the experience time and time again I wouldnt then start dating only black people because of my bad experience with the French men.

I also noticed that for whatever reason you assumed that I was on a sleazy site. I wasn't offended by this but taken aback that rather than empathise with what I had experience, it came across Iike I had put myself in a sleazy situation/website, rather than seeing that it was this white man was just sleazy not the website.

I'm not intending to say your experiences with Black men didnt happen, im simply saying that it shouldn't be those situations that make you only date white men. A black man is not the opposite of a white man. They're all men!

I've found this thread fascinating, but as an Asian/ brown female I don't know if im 'allowed' to comment here?

@TellItToTheStars You’re welcome to date whoever you want to. However you’ve made offensive sweeping generalisations about black men and are rightly being pulled up on it. The fact that you’re black is neither here or there. I’m at liberty to defend the black men in my life thanks. Maybe you don’t like the black men in your life but that’s your issue not mine.

@TellItToTheStars I don’t think it’s racism that black people may be getting upset about you preferring wanting to date white men. It’s your business as long as your happy.

The food comment that you mentioned about being asked if your able to cook. That rings very true however this relates to context.. I suspect you know full well that black backgrounds are big on food.... and food is highly important. Personally I think a lot of Caribbean’s are fantastic cooks and growing up food always flowed at my Grandmas house. Personally I wouldn’t take the food comment in a negative light..

@wizzywig

I've found this thread fascinating, but as an Asian/ brown female I don't know if im 'allowed' to comment here?

Comment tell us your opinion I’m interested because the food comment tickled me! I think regarding food Asian culture is similar.

I have been asked if I can cook by white guys, I didnt actually find it offensive. It told me that they liked spice and seasoning and I knew we could be at least friends. Hahaha. All jokes aside, a black or white man asking a woman if they can cook is not rude to me. Of course it gets rude if they start demanding meals on tap and expecting you to be in the kitchen all day. That is something completely different