Hello ladies,
I've been absent for a long time now - reason being that I, too, had a MC and needed some time to get to terms with it.
We are now again TTC and looking into the future positively. Still, something is different than it was before. I know this little bean was still very small and all, but still it's this baby that we are never going to have - it can't just be replaced by another one.
In the evening before I started bleeding, I was with SIL, her newborn, and her MIL at a beautiful little beach at a lake in the mountains. The sun was shining after a rainy day, making gentle light and playful shadows and reflections across the lake. The shallow water was warm and we took off our shoes and socks and waded through to a small sandbank, where we just sat, quietly enjoying the sun and the glorious views. I found myself thinking of names for the little bean. As I had been watching Torchwood, I started considering Gwen, and suddenly I thought how beautiful it would be to have a little Gwendolyn. With a stick I meditatively wrote the name into some sand covered by clear water - although it was under water, the lake was so calm that it remained legible for a long time. As I watched the sand slowly blurring the letters, I thought about how fleeting this moment was, how nobody would ever know that I wrote this here because soon it would have disappeared for ever. But maybe some day I would tell my future DD how one day when she was nothing more than a few cells, I wrote her name in the sand under clear water, and it was beautiful and sunny, and it didn't blur for a long time.
Later that night, I discovered a smear of blood in my panties. I was concerned, of course. Looked it up in the interwebs and discovered that it is quite common to have little bleeds in pregnancy. Still, I was worried, and told DP on the phone (I was away from home). But I didn't let go of hope yet. Next morning, the smear had developed into a full-blown, menstruation-like bleed. I was shattered.
SIL took me to the local hospital, where a pregnancy test came up with a BFN. Further investigations revealed some tissue outside of the uterus, which the gynecologist removed. My blood group was tested, it came up rhesus negative, and I got an Anti-D shot to prevent difficulties with future pregnancies. During all this, I was in kind of a haze. It was all too fast and sudden. Just hours earlier, I had been thinking happy thoughts of names - how could everything be so brutally, definitely different now?
Two days later, I flew back home. Seeing DP was strange. I had left shortly after discovering that we were going to have a child - and now I came home distinctly un-pregnant. I felt like a different person. Together we had to learn to deal with this new situation, had to get to know each other all over again, and had to find our way back to some sort of normality.
This was two weeks ago now, and I am feeling much better, and, as I said in the beginning, looking positively into the future. I will always remember this little one, my Gwendolyn, though I have told noone of this - not even DP. I will remember that sunny beach in the mountains, the clear water and how even though she was only with us for a very short time and in an abstract sense, she shared some beauty and happiness with us.
So, this is my farewell from this ante-natal club... I send you all my most sincere wishes for healthy and happy pregnancies and soon to be DC. For those who have already had to say good-bye to a little bean and all the hopes and promises that went with it, I can just say... allow yourselves to grieve, take care of yourselves and your DH/DP, and sometime soon I am sure that happiness will find you.
Best,
Meita