Due April 2009: Episode 18 - Mumble gets married and we have triplets and twins here!!

[PuzzleRocks]

Let the ramblings commence.

lol

We don't actually have any lino here, but I don't have any personal issue with it. Some lino can be quite nice. I wouldn't want it in my bedroom (there aren't that many sticky spills for it to be necessary ) but for kitchen / bathroom it makes sense. Warmer than tiles, too.

What about laminate floors? Are they acceptable or are they slummy/ scummy? Also, I have furniture from Ikea! And my bathtub is made of plastic! Should I just log out now and slink away?

The floor in my bathroom is actually really horrible and desperately needs replacing (we've discussed it and decided to do another lino job )

oh god! is Ikea furniture bad now too??

bad enough i eat at mcdonalds and buy shit ham. now i have to burn most some of my furniture too!!

Our entire house is done in some kind of hardcore, industrial lino, of the kind you get in shops. Previous owner worked for a company that makes it, so think they got a good deal on it. It is very practical and so on, but DH longs for carpet.

Hoorah for shit ham! Wafer thin?

but of course!!

Don't know about the Ikea furniture - that's why i thought I'd better check . Perhaps another thread is in order to suss out the ladies of Surrey....

We live in what is basically an Ikea showroom

We too have a plastic bath. The shame

My name is Juwesm, and I have a plastic bath.

Springy lol are you sure about the sticky spills in the bedroom

Juw - stay where you are!!! i have laminate and ikea furniture and upvc windows AND dd likes McD's lol

we have a metal one. but it's not boxed in properly. and we did the lino ourselves. which in hindsight wasn't a good plan.

Cripes. I really must get off here and get dressed. I must must must leave the house by ten to eleven to get train. I'm having lunch with a work friend today (actually my penultimate boss, currently on ML), and she does not appreciate lateness!

wey hay i am reedeemed for having a steel bath

i asked Ds what his favourite food was yesterday. he said chicken nuggets and chips and ketchup and milk and a TOY.

any guesses are where it's from??

I am a lady wot lunches! Despite Ikea/ McDs/ wafer thin ham!

Purple - noooooooo

i wish I was going out for lunch.

i'm sick of being at home and have no energy to go out. and where would I GO with DS in tow and with no money.

My dining table is from John Lewis - does that redeem me?

actually i am starting to feel like a bad mom. DH has been working late so i've been feeding DS before he gets in. something easy. All he wants is spaghetti. every flipping night. spaghetti.

i HAVE switched to wholemeal just to make myself feel a bit better though.

oh here we go. it's all coming out now! all my little shameful secrets!!

Purple - am only going to her house for lunch. When I suggested going to nice coffee shop for cake/ lunch, she said no can do, due to her own DS!

Does this not count as lady-who-lunches lunch?

The thing is, if we're all this slatternly & tasteless, where are all of these snobby mums coming from? Is it not the done thing to have sex in July?

& I'm going for a coffee with my NCT group this afternoon - yay! Or at least 2 of them - the other 2 might be too busy, so we'll have to see. The 2 who are definite are both booked in for CSs this month. I'm a bit at the idea that they know when they're having their babies - & that it's so soon!

Here's a funny thing for all the first timers...

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the newspaper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
are parents and berate them about their?

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's feeding,

sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel?

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room

from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

1. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to

sleep.

1. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until

1AM.

1. Set the alarm for 3AM.
2. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch

an infomercial.

1. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
2. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
3. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
4. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and
together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out?

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all

summer.

1. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
2. Then rub them on the clean walls.
3. Take your favourite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
4. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does

that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang

out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

1. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
2. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back

seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

1. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find
to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you
intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one
goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the

swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

1. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
2. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug
on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape
made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.