Due April 2009 - Saucy dreams, squirting boobs and spacehoppers. Whatever will the April mums get up to next?"

[PuzzleRocks]

Snowy - i'm with boffin on this i'm afraid hunny

please please please get some help and advice xxxx

i still have nightmares about that c* (sorry only way to desribe that man) and thats 8 years on.

i would hate for you to end up emotionaly screwed or severely hurt. it sound very dramatic but it realy is quite a serious possibility.

also hunny please do stay on mn with us and feel free to talk about this, dont think we're against you or feel you have to curb what you say, we are just genuinely worried and want whats best for you, like big sisters if you like.

we are all here for you and we're only trying to help.

Hello all
Hi snowysunshine, hope you are feeling a bit better knowing you can talk to all us. Also are you a brummie? i am but don't live there now. But if you are well us brummies are made of strong stuff.

Seriously you and baby are the most important people in your situation. Your dp will just have to grow up and sort his own problems out. If you feel worried about his behavior now then ask yourself how he will react to a crying baby. Will he be supportive during the birth, offer to change nappies, pamper you a little, cradle his new born with love in his eyes.?

If you doubt the above then do something now. Look for a birth partner such as a relative or friend, move now before you have a baby in tow or kick him out.

Above all you must put your own wellbeing and safety (and babies of course) 1st.

Keep smiling think of a happy future, it might be hard at first but peace of mind is worth so much.

Hear hear Nutty.
Snowy, a significant minority of men get violent in relation to pregnancy and childbirth. I have to go and lecture now but I will look out some research later for you. xx

holly: I speak to DS in English, he responds in a mixture of English and French. DH is French, we speak French together, so English is really the minority language and I'm quite proud of how DS is doing. From the outside, though, it probably sounds like incomprehensible gobbledigook, as he tends to put English verb endings on French verbs (I'm laving mes cheveux, for example, or I'm traversing the road). Another quirk I love is when I tell him to behave, as he thinks the verb is "to be" and that "have" is an adjective, like good or something, so he responds indignantly, "I am have".

Snowy, it does sound as if things are really rough, and you need to get some outside help. Your DP is presumably young, so if he agrees to seek help now, there is perhaps hope, whereas if his violence becomes completely ingrained, change is less likely. Do keep posting, you're getting good advice from the experienced!

Just finished marking another huge pile of papers, am off to collect DS from school.
Enjoy your afternoon, everyone.

Popped out having set some work for students (my God, they even looked keen to do it!)

www.nbt.nhs.uk/midwives/domesticviolence/index.html

Really good domestic violence site. Learn from me, Snowy. Where I went wrong is assuming that you have to be covered in blood East-Enders style, and having a limb hanging off or a broken nose to classify something as sufficiently violent to act.

What I know now is that there is also psychological violence and manipulation, as well as apparently low level rough and tumble, such as wall bashing, that has the effect of depressing and even frightening you, and which ultimately also has an adverse outcome on your baby's health and your own. THIS IS ALSO A FORM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE even though it might not look as dramatic or scary close up.

I spent eight years very nervous and frightened, and left with my self-esteem in tatters, having been manipulated and bullied. It has taken me over a decade to recover. Yet at the time I don't think I even realised the true extent of what was going on.

The moral of this is ... ACT!

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a really long time and have been trying to catch up. I hope everyone is doing well. Still haven't found out from DH what sex of the baby is (he knows and I dont) but it is driving me crazy. Anyway, hope to have home internet at the weekend so will be a lot more active from then rather than sneaking in quickly at work!!

www.sheafdas.co.uk/default.html

Impressive-looking support service in Sheffield. Can do a confidential risk assessment for you.

lol at your stories auldalliance
i went to bed v.tired the other night and dh was doing night shift at work. I forgot to be tooth fairy. Next morning ds was surprised and a bit disappointed to find tooth still under pillow. I then had to come up with elaborate lie of "well you have to have your blind open when you put in under pillow so the fairy knows. He believed me and £1 coin arrived for next morning. (inflation is shocking i only ever got 10p for my teeth).

Is any other mums experiencing v.short fuses as pregnancy progresses?

Yesterday i had a mum at school shout over to me god your huge? I shouted back well as i'm pregnant i'm hardley likly to have a flat stomach am i . This women isn't pregnant but could easily do with losing a couple of stone but i would never dream of actually telling her.

Then today another mum said the same. I replyed "please spare me i've already been told how fat i am thanks!!!! she went bright red and tried to apologise.

Someone else has commmented that i "look low" Dh had to stop me going to mw all upset convinced i either have diabetis, pre eclampsia or about to go into prem labour.

But any more comments and i might become violent and blame it on my hormones

i feel better now thats off my gigantic chest

Nutty, I think I actually said 'oh fucksocks'. I'm almost ashamed of using such a daft phrase. Almost

I'm very proud of myself - I just wrote a big list of things for DP to cart himself back into town for, including cancelling various direct debits, etc. & worked out a pretty good monthly budget.

I also just halved my phone bill from £35+/month to £18/month (which I'd spend on Pay as you Go), whilst doubling my free minutes & getting a shiny new handset delivered tomorrow. Merry Christmas to me! I was really close to phoning my dad (who works shifts, so will be at home at the moment) & crying down the phone in frustration about how useless DP is with money, but I'm sufficiently cheered now. & I'm seeing my family tomorrow night (albeit with DP) until Saturday night, then for a couple of days from probably Mon 22nd, before Christmas (again, with DP). There should still be a chance to talk to my mum at some point, though. I've given my sister (who's only 15, so not much use for talking at length about big, scary things) the heads up that things aren't entirely rosy, so hopefully my mum'll be expecting to be hijacked for a while.

Boffin & Nutty - sorry to hear you've both had such horrible experiences, & thank you for using them to help me with whatever's going on in my life.

Boffin, in hindsight I think I should've probably jumped ship that night that I had to go up & sort things out, only to find him slicing down both of his arms & have him shouting things like 'if you so much as ever look at another man, I'll kill you' at me in the street. Yeah, it seems really, really stupid that I didn't run a mile then. But I felt horribly guilty & had never been in anything that situation with anyone before & didn't realise that it was a bit strange. I thought that that's just how most men would have reacted.

Nutty, I probably would still be here. Just about. Or at least I'd have probably left on Friday - this is the last attempt for the sake of the family. I'm endlessly optimistic about people, which has been a problem in the past as well, but I'm the silly naive one who always thinks 'well maybe this time it'll be different', or makes excuses. I know that I can't do that anymore & that this really has to be the end of it. He is being a lot better though - earlier he began to get annoyed because I was being really patronising about the mess of our finances (I genuinely was going on & on about it, but I'd just had enough) & I could sense the tone of irritation in his voice, but then it left again & he's been apologetic about letting it get so messed up - before Friday it would've definitely escalated into a huge row. There is a part of me beginning to wonder if it's also partly because I'm better at placating him now, but I think that it's at least mostly because he's trying a lot harder. & don't worry, I won't go anywhere. I'm not the sort of person to go flouncing off because people say things that I don't like - especially when they're trying to help & are almost certainly right. God knows what I'd be like if I hadn't been able to MN about any of this - quite apart from the fantastic advice & support, sometimes it's saying stuff to you that makes me realise things for myself.

It's odd because I'd have thought that I'd have been the last person to have ended up in this situation - or any of the insane situations I've found myself in over the last 5 years. Just to clarify, because I've just realised that I sound a bit stupid regarding 2 unexpected pregnancies - turns out that microgynon doesn't work effectively for me. So I've been taking the pill for a very long time & not had the contraceptive protection that I'd thought. The first time, when I was 16, we always used condoms as well, but one split & that happened to be the time that I got pregnant. Very few people even believe that to be true, although not that many people even know about it - I kept it quiet from my parents, etc. But yes, I've not been sleeping around without contraception for 5 years, for the record

& as I say, I just didn't anticipate that this would be my life - I'm a clever girl from a good family, I've always been friends with a lot more boys than girls & as such am quite feisty & don't take any crap. Now I'm potentially facing being a 20 year old single mother because I got deeper & deeper into an abusive relationship. There are worse things, but it's just not how I thought my life would be.

mrsfossil, I am a Brummie, yes. I live in Sheffield now, but definitely a Brummie I'm not actually worried about his reaction to baby stuff in itself. He will always love the baby & wouldn't ever hurt him. He'll be a great birth partner & all of that. I am a bit worried about how he'll be if I get PND or something, though. He has no ability to empathise with things like that & if I'm not showing full love & attention to our baby because of PND or similar, I know that he'll get angry with me about it & think that I'm being a cold-hearted bitch instead of realising that it's a medical problem. I'm having to slowly try to introduce him to the possibility that something like that could happen & hopefully it's sinking in. Of course hopefully it won't happen at all.

babypringle, I'm intending to start 2nd year as normal. I'll have to take my Easter exams in August when everyone's taking their resits as I'll be a bit busy at Easter & hopefully start again with everyone else in October. Things will get easier WRT meeting student mums & all that once I actually have a baby. I feel a bit of an imposter at the moment, so have to wait. But I keep meaning to look into various antenatal stuff & getting sidetracked. I must get that sorted. Asides from anything else there's not much antenatal time left!

AuldAlliance, I'm hoping that there is still time to change him. We have the doctor's appointment on Monday to talk about various possibilities for counselling & I know that he'll go to whatever's decided. I just hope that it helps. & that's not quite the story I was expecting about the woman who took the baby. I have quite a lot less sympathy now On a much lovelier note, I love the 'behave' confusion. How gorgeous!

hi hopeful - good to see you.

do you know which language your ds thinks in auldalliance? I am fascinated by raising a child to be bilingual - the only language I am remotely good at is Spansih, but I have been going to a wee French play group to try and learn some myself, which ds may or may not pick up a wee bit himself - but obviously wont be anything like bilingual.

Boffin, the Sheffield thing is literally only a mile from my flat, which is handy.

& I've had a quick look at that other site (still looking) & it all seems so strange. Everything that you've said, too. It doesn't seem such a huge issue to me - to you, you hear it all in concentrated chunks. You don't see the rest of the time - when he's being lovely & running around after me & so on. I'm not saying that it's not an issue, just that it's really difficult to step back from it & see it objectively. Probably partly because, as you say, there's no real 'drama' involved. He's not touched me & most of the bigger things can be argued away quite easily. I don't want to label him as a monster when it might just be me overreacting. I know that things aren't right here - that's why he has the doctor's appointment & why I've not told him that I love him for nearly a week now, because I just haven't wanted to (although I've wanted to want to, if that makes sense).

I also don't want to stay in this relationship if it's going to get worse, or if he's going to suddenly flip out & accidentally hurt the baby whilst I'm pregnant. I'm so confused.

sorry started writing that then got sidetracked so missed your post snowy and mrs fossil.

mrsfossil - people just dont think before saying things - i dont ever comment on people's bumps cause i know that thinking its small, big, high, low etc etc can all cause worry and upset so its better just not to comment - but I also think that sometimes people are tyring to come up with conversation and its all they can think of to comment on. still annoying though - sure your bump is lovely.

snowy - i'd definitely go to an antenatal fitness/swimming class etc if you can and meet some people cause everyone is in a similar boat, and like with mn all have something in common that can then lead to proper friendships. I really hope you can get some time with your mum on her own - surely you can at least pop to the shops with her for some last minute things or something - a hair cut etc and take her for coffee.

Also, I'm really aware that I keep making huuuuuuge posts & not paying other people as much attention as I should be, so I am really sorry. I'm honestly not meaning to be rude, just my head's really full & I can't remember who's said what & sometimes miss things when I'm scrolling up & down the page

I am really very sorry & hope nobody's getting too upset by it - you're all lovely women & I don't mean to keep taking over the thread. I hope you're all okay xx

snowy - sounds like you are the one in most need of help and reassurance just now - i cant imagine anyone getting cross that you are doing long posts - and anyway you seemed to manage to comment to most people a few posts down - so i think you are managing to keep up pretty well anyway .

post away - i think we all want to help if we can.

snowy - i'm just going to reiterate that nobody knows the relationship better than you and obviously you need to use your judgement but again just stay safe and be on your guard a little (not massively so that it gets in the way) just so that you keep in mind the potential. and at least you know there is somewhere close by for you to go if god forbid it does get out of control. again we're all here if you need. xx

keep going with the long posts too none of us mind its better for you to get things out of your system even if it just helps you to look at the situation afresh due to it being written down rather than just a mass of thoughts in your head.

Snowy, you sound very sensible to me - and I'm glad that you have obviously thought yourself about my three alarm bells. I feel a bit guilty that I might have opened a bit of a can of worms - keep posting and let us know how you are getting on won't you whatever happens.

I think you're also right that it's easier to make friends in the same position when you have a baby rather than when you are pregnant. I only know any other pg people in real life because there are five of us at work in total. I think everyone worries about making posts about themselves - there are just so many peeps posting it's quite hard to keep up! Also don't start labelling yourself and feeling you have to explain things - you love your baby and will be happy whatever. That's the only important thing imo.

Haha - April's a brill month to have a baby I think, we will have nice weather before too long. I was a bit when someone told me my due date was easter Sunday though (I hope they were right or I'm going to look really silly!)

Morning Gorgeous Girlies

How is everyone today? xx

hello lasses, what's occuring?

lots of love to miss sunshine. You sound like a brave and clever woman and one that is sufficiently clued up and aware of her surroundings enough to make sure you will be happy and safe. Keep talking, it's all good

can i also empathise with you miss sunshine? I also feel I only ever come on and talk about my self, it's so hard to keep up with you all! I must go back through the thread and take notes. Hope you're all ok today and are as full of fun and strength and beauty as ever. I never realised how very hard it is to be pregnant, amazes me that i got to 34 without realising what women are made for and how hard it is. the emotional and physical sides of pregnancy are utterly mental. You all have my upmost respect. I hope to continue to get to know you all well over the next months. Hopefully I'll be feeling a bit more like myself again soon and won;t be such a moany cow.

and on that note I might just be a moany cow for a bit, if only to help miss sunshine feel that she's not the only one talking about herself ;)

I'm trying to keep my head up. Think i might be a bit depressed. Can't quite manage to do things that I know i should, just wanting to hide in bed. The house is a little stressful at the moment, feeling the strain of being in a new place with strangers.

Am upset about my sister, don't feel i can talk to her atall now. And I also worked out that from her due date she got pregnant a couple of weeks after I told her that I was pregnant. I don't know what to make of that. She says it was an accident, but I remember when I told her I was pregnant she reacted in such a broody way, said that she'd love a third, that she was sorry that she couldn't give me any of her baby stuff because they might need it. She even offered to look after my baby for 5 days so I could go to glastonbury in june. But now she's saying she's appalled, never wanted to be pregnant again and wasn't at all broody etc. I'm really confused, and I think she is too. I hope this whole experience brings us closer together. I really do. I'm worried about her too because she's really matyring herself, she is poorly, pregnant, not eating properly because of food allergies, and still will not accept any help. When I was there she was refusing my offers to tidy and cook and iron, making a massive deal about doing it all herself. and then saying "you don;t understand, you'll realise when you're a mother just how demanding and non stop it is. I never have a minute to myself" But when she's offered a minute she refuses to take it. I don't know what to do. I still feel so fragile myself.

And I'm so confused over my ex. He hasn't been keeping in touch since I told him, but I've texted or phoned him every couple of days to find out about his mum and make sure he's ok. He's in my thoughts constantly. I really wanted to meet up with him before christmas and asked if we could meet up tonight. He says he can't. I shouldn't push it should I? I want to though as i miss him so much, and I know that when he goes back to his family for christmas he might never come back, and that thought kills me. I miss him so much. I feel like part of me has died, i've lost my home and my best friend. But i'm being selfish by trying to make him stay my friend aren't I?

Morning everyone -

Wow, lots of things have happened since I last posted.

Yay for all the scans and new flavours added to the list and welcome to all the new people!!

Snowy, I have to say that I think you are doing amazingly well, and it sounds to me (having never been in that situation) that you are doing things right, you clearly love DP and care for him and as such are willing to give things a try but at the same time putting yourself and bubs first in your mind!

Frekkles. You are not being unreasonable about your sister, I think it is fair enough to be a little bit annoyed, I definitely would be, especially as this is your first and you want to enjoy it and treasure it with your family - I think you just have to let her get on with it and be around and things will calm down a bit and you will work out a relationship that works for you both.

I wouldn't say selfish exactly but you do have to give him time to come to terms with it and let him process it in his own way, I don't think you should push it just let him know you are around and there if he ever needs you or wants to chat - it will happen, these things just take time and it is natural to feel that you have lost him - fingers crossed it will all work out!

Oddeyes - good luck for your scan today - let us know how it goes - we are all keeping our fingers and toes crossed!!!

I am really struggling today - had work do last night and missed my train so ended up getting home at 3 and trying to process on three hours sleep!!!

Hi Everyone,

Just finished catching up with all the posts and everyone's news...

SnowySunshine don't ever worry about talking about yourself in your posts - you are in a difficult and stressful situation and, as you said yourself, writing about it on MN makes you see things a bit more clearly. I think when you explain a situation to people who don't know your 'history' you end up with the bare facts and that helps you to see your own situation more objectively. You sound like a very intelligent and self-aware person. I'm glad you're going to see your family and that you'll get a chance to talk to you mum. Remember that everyone here cares about you and your situation and just wants you and your baby to be safe and happy

Frekkles you have had a lot on your plate lately too. You have just done some things that you were feeling very stressed about (telling your ex, telling your flatmates) and of course you are going to feel down. Your life has changed so much recently and you have a completely different set of challenges coming up. Just make sure you talk as much as you can to people you trust and look after yourself. I think you probably also feel down because your ex is distancing himself from you now, but although painful, it is probably for the best. You don't need pressure/old feelings to make things more confusing and complicated for you. hugs

OddEyes Good luck for the scan

I had my 22 week scan today and all still looks good. The babies are all the same size and the right size for their age, which is reassuring. They were all lying in a row, side by side, with their heads touching - very cute! Well, I thought so.....

What is everyone up to this weekend? Have to make cupakes for a Xmas party on Sunday so will make an extra batch for all of you...

BarbarellaXX

yay for cupcakes baublerella - that scan sounds very sweet.

frekkles - sorry you are having the trouble with your sister on top of everything else. really hope she gets herself sorted out soon with regards to having another baby. How is your new dp being just now? Is he happier now that things are in the open?

wow babycrimbolat - that sounds awful - i hate not getting to bed at a reasonable time these days.

well after feeling fine yesterday, I was sick again today. Dh had to work this morning but was able to come home at lunchtime and has taken ds to his little frnech playgroup, so i have a very rare hour or so on my own at home. Just annoying i'm feeling sick still.

Hello ladies,

Bauberella I am so utterly amazed that someone can have three babies at once and still make cupcakes. Rispeck, sister.

News today - I have finally plucked up the courage to deal with my au pair, who only does what she feels like instead of what she is told. The agency have been very helpful and are giving her a kick up the proverbial in her mother tongue. If it works, my life will be transformed, and no longer will I have to go around the house picking up after her, which on crutches is not a good thing to be doing.

VirginBoffinMum - good luck with the au pair situation. God knows you don't need any more stress in your life at the moment - I shudder to think of you trying to pick things up off the floor whilst balanced precariously on your crutches....

HollyTree Try drinking grated ginger, Manuka (New Zealand) honey with hot water. Manuka honey has antibacterial properties and ginger is just all round good