The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread#5 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[InDreamland]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread (please feel free to add your name or amend if due dates have changed following 12 week scans or booking in c-secs):

@Melpops36, 38, EDD 5/12/19
@Beaglemum93, 26, EDD 22/12/19
@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 31, EDD 29/01/20
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Squiff70, 37, EDD end of February (no exact date with twins)
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 16/04/20
@TinyPaws, 22, EDD 19/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020

Also tagging @boboelephant and @Yukka just to hope they can pop on and update on their rainbows.

Sorry to anyone I've missed 🐧

@MistyMeow o gosh that must have been scary, glad your in laws were able to come over.

@RedRobin7 glad your scan went well and that your consultant was able to fit you in.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I hope you have a good last day!

@Knitkitty good luck.

Last night I think I lost part of my mucus plug, only a bit though. I then had period type pains on and off (not a regular pattern) all evening, woken up to a milder but constant ache that feels like I'm about to start a period. I remember getting this with DD1 but later on than this. I'm 35 weeks today.

Yes @RedRobin7. I am also rhesus negative and when I bled with DD I had to go in to have the anti-d EVERY time. I also had to have it after my MC and ectopic surgery.

@Bluebelltulip your post has just made me realise that babies will soon start appearing on this thread!!!!!

Might be worth a pop into triage @Bluebelltulip just to test you to see if you are perhaps early labouring? Then they can get those steriods into you for baby's lungs?

That must be so difficult coming from your own mum @InDreamland

@KnitKitty it does feel like a while since we have had any newcomers to the thread, I think I must be one of the more newer additions and I'm 11 weeks!

@Mistymeow hope all is okay following the brick incident!

So it turns out no UTI here! I was desperately clinging onto the hope I had one as I thought it would mean this awful back cramping would shift and might account for why I feel so so crap and been bleeding. As MW said all those things sound UTI related plus I had markers in my urine. So now Im stressing as to why I had markers if it isnt a UTI and why Im suffering like this

Wow @KnitKitty that's great that you are 32 weeks, definitely in the final stretch! I know what you mean about movements, I'm only 26 weeks today, but I feel the pressure too. The guidance is just so vague on when to call/come in, I get really stressed about it. Sometime baby boy has been kicking during the day in his normal pattern, but then he'll miss his night session or have it later than usual...so I'm up until 2 am waiting for it and wondering if I need to call a cab and go to hospital. Then he'll start again and I'll go to sleep, feeling guilty and only half reassured. I've literally made myself sick over this! Luckily in the past few days his movements seem stronger and more defined, so I'm hoping beyond hope that he's getting big enough now that even with the AP I can feel him more. But, yes, it would be nice to have a rule of thumb on when to go in (after 12 hours? 4? missing one session? two?) and would be curious to know what others think about this.

Thanks @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue and congrats on your last tube journey this morning! That will be such a relief when it's over and you can stay home and relax.

@Bluebelltulip is that the start of labour? Or does it usually take a long time after the mucus plug goes? Wow! It's crazy to think we will soon have some babies on here. Hope you are able to get checked over!

@Squiff70, I'm very sorry for your loss. Elliot and Ava are both very beautiful names for very beautiful babies. I wish and pray Ava remains stable and that she gets stronger each day. NICU staff are amazing, our nhs is amazing and does need protection. Forget about my children I'm not sure how I would have handled it having to buy insulin, without the nhs.

Thanks everyone, all is well, no more incidents. It's pushing us to move house sooner that's for sure!

@RubyRoost I reckon I'm heading for the pile high club! Arrrgh! Yes totally get what you're saying about newborn/sleep deprivation, particularly as I am at higher risk of PND. I think it's more a group of friends who don't seem to fully understand that I'm very nervous so not the excited first time mum like they all were. I'm trying to take it a step at a time, focus on the pregnancy, then birth, then newborn. Otherwise it becomes overwhelming. Must double check my eBay password :D
@Beaglemum93 gosh, definitely worth getting checked over but I'm sure at 35 weeks all will be well.
@KnitKitty I can't believe how close it is now! We will soon have another baby girl on the thread. When my mum wanted me to get her anusol I went to the pharmacy and showed them the text message. I just said "I need some of this for my mum". Saved the embarrassment!
@TwittleBee Did they check you for cervical ectropian or a polyp? That's what they were looking for with me when I had bleeding, but couldn't find anything. It's worrying when they can't find a cause but it's good they are being so thorough with you.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I asked my consultant and the EPU this morning but both said I don't need the anti-D at 9 weeks. Hope they're right!

@Bluebelltulip Hope you can get checked over. Let us know how you're doing xx

@Mistymeow Glad you are okay. Totally understand how you feel about wanting to move. I don't live in the nicest area and my neighbours do drugs. It's horrible! We can't afford to move where we want to but I think for the sake of our future kids we will eventually have to consider moving to a cheaper part of the country and away from family!

@RedRobin7, with ds3 I had so many scans but mainly because first, I ovulated 4 weeks early and I had to return. I picked up an uti which caused bleeding. I switched hospital early on as I realised I didn't want to keep going back to the hospital I had given birth to ds2 in. It was just too sad and made me very anxious. I switched my care to the one I had ds1 in. Who didn't accept the first hospital scans and said I needed another scan.

@Melpops36, happy due date. Hope baby comes soon and safely.

@sadtoday21, congratulations on being very organised. About the movements I was told during last pregnancy that reached that far ahead you baby movements are unique to your baby. Any pattern is good, if baby movements is erratic then look for erratic movements. Very useful advice right?

@Mistymeow, I'm on the side sleep deprivation is hard but baby loss worse. Which for me means I wish people to happy easy babies but tell them there is no shame in priotising sleep over showers at times during post partum. Forget about keeping the house clean but focus on having enough sleep so you don't drop the baby during feeding. That is what I did with ds3 who had reflux and hated everything and everyone except me (to be more specific my breast). He would only sleep whilst he had a breast in his mouth. Until I finally learned a car ride with no stops will put him to sleep. So I had a few naps in the car or called everyone with a car to drive him around whilst I slept.
However, that is nothing compared to waking up in a panic that you missed a feed as your breast are almost engorged to remember, you don't have a baby to feed. And then cry because you feel guilty for being able to sleep and for having forgot you gave birth to a dead baby. Oh God, I wish for a baby similar to ds1, who was a dream baby and for you all too. He hardly cried and if you feed him at his own set times & change him asap, he would not cry. He was happy playing with himself and I even have this memory of think how does ds1 cry sound like? Then ds3 came and I considered few times to take him back to the hospital as I was failing him so much. Cause why would he cry so much and not sleep. Then I Googled does sleep deprivation kill? I wasn't worried about it killing me but him first as he was a baby and then me. Poor ds1 the kindle was raising him and his diet was full of junk food. Dh did step up and dm sent lot of home cooked food, I still felt super guilty. Dbro took ds1 most weekends to spend with his son (he still takes him at least once a month). Dbro says his son enjoys the company more than being taken solo out.

I'm sorry for the hooligan(s) who threw a brick through your window. I'm glad the police have been good and that your in laws can stay with you till your dp returns.

@Beaglemum93, I to dreaded seeing dbro in law baby who was due two months after ds2 was born. His wife used to talk about arranging play dates for our children saying cousins needs to develop good relationship. How she loves the ones she saw more as a young kids compare to the other ones she only says hi to. So it was awkward seeing her and her baby afterwards. But the actual baby is wonderful and super cute. I love my little niece in law.

@KnitKitty good luck with your scan today.

@TwittleBee, miscarriages are real, then there is the whole don't tell anyone before 12 weeks scan to hide it further. Yes, some people don't like it when their loss is mentioned but that don't mean everyone is the same. You said her, does that mean you knew the gender? Or are you basing it on how you felt? I have had two miscarriages (+1 cp), something inside of me tells me they were girls. I have no idea which gender they were.

@sadtoday21, induction can be more painful, or not do anything. With ds1 I had six, yes six rounds of gels and I still didn't passed 1cm dilation. Till my water broke when the doctor who was going to book a c-section was doing vaginal examination. Ps, I wanted more chances to have vaginal birth and asked for the gels. All the gels did was give me small contractions. Not even painful, just uncomfortable. After my water broke I was hooked up to the drip. Again nothing but pain finally did come and I agreed to an epidural. Still nothing more than 2cm. So when doctor's came I told them I was exhausted now and want a c-section. She agreed and he arrived by "emergency" c-section. There was no emergency there just an exhausted mother.

For my second birth it was also induced, they were scared but gave me more space to breathe. Gave birth days later but no damage to my undercarriage. Just a small graze. This birth hurt less than the previous one where I didn't go beyond 2cm dilated. However this was my stillbirth, so I may have rose tinted lenses when reflecting back to it.

Evening all. Thank you for the well wishes for the growth scan. I'm not feeling as reassured as I had hoped I would.
Baby Girl has had steady growth and apparently 'placenta function markers are reassuring'. However, my amniotic fluid has fallen and I'm now below the 5th centile for that. Apparently this can be a precursor to blood pressure problems so I have to look out for signs of blood pressure rising and make sure to keep an eye on baby movements too.
Feeling a bit stressed about it.
Trying to focus on the fact she has grown and is looking healthy... But worry is creeping in.

Her estimated weight is 1733g/3.8lbs.

Sorry I've completely dropped off this thread. @Squiff70 I'm so pleased to see your little girl is fighting on but so sad to read about Elliott, I have no idea what you're going through but sending you all my love.

I have only skipped over whilst on the train but when I'm finally home I will catch up properly xx

@Notnowokay I know, all medical staff everywhere are super unhelpful on the movement front! I asked this question to the consultant today and she just said, well, if you're nervous then call the maternity unit night or day. And I said, I know that, but I'm asking your now what I should do if this specific scenario happens and she just couldn't answer. I don't know why I can't get more scientific/medical advice on these types of things, I feel that midwives just downplay my concerns and give me a pat on the head and I have to read some medical journals or something.

Like...should I really not have any more scans until 36 weeks? What if something is wrong with my placenta or fluid or growth, how would they know? Somehow I don't think a tape measurer over my uterus every six weeks or so is going to give them any answers about these things. But I'm not a doctor so all my questions get dismissed as an anxious FTM with history of losses. Sorry, rant over!

@KnitKitty I'm sorry the scan didn't go as well as you hoped, but good that baby is growing well and getting so large! Can you take your blood pressure every day to monitor the situation with the fluid? I bought a blood pressure machine on Amazon (they are really cheap) and I take it most nights. Do you have another scan soon to check on things?

He’s here! Baby George born on his due date 7lbs of beauty! Very quick labour, only pushed once!! Thanks for all your support ladies xxxx

Oh my god.. What a good boy! And what a lucky girl you are, not only do you have a beautiful baby but an easy labour. Excellent news and congrats!

@Melpops36 Congratulations!!!! George is gorgeous 💙 So pleased you had a quick labour!

@Melpops36 what a cutie! George is gorgeous and so glad to hear labour was straight forward for you. Enjoy squishy newborn cuddles!

Eeeaaakkkkkk @Melpops36 CONGRATULATIONS! What a beautiful little boy and amazing news for a Friday morning. That is so cool he came on due date (that must have been a surprise) and lucky you having a quick and easy labour. Enjoy your little boy and welcome to the world George!

@Melpops36 Congratulations he's beautiful! Glad you had a quick labour too.

@Rubyroost haha you are so funny! DH definitely wouldn't let me be putting Bubsy on ebay. Oddly I want to experience the up in the night with my newborn thing.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue congratulations on starting maternity leave! Very jealous! Sitting on central line train at moment feeling like I'm about to chuck up on the person standing in front of me. Why does nausea return in 3rd trimester? Enjoy your time off at home not battling the rush hour crowds!

@KnitKitty sorry you're not feeling so reassured. If the professionals aren't concerned hopefully everything is okay. It's so hard though not to worry.

@Bluebelltulip hope you're okay. Have you been checked out? Or start of labour?

@Squiff70 thinking of you and Ava. Hope she is getting stronger.

@TwittleBee that is annoying to still not know what it is. Hope all is well though and that it either goes or you get an answer and treatment or that it's nothing serious.

@Frillyfarmer hope all is well with you.

On the subject of movements, I've been in twice already with concerns about reduced movement. The advice I've had from a couple of midwives is to absolutely go in if worried at all, they'd rather see you and everything be okay than you not go in because you're not sure or don't want to be a bother but then something is wrong. The way they see it I think is it's better for them doing their jobs to catch it early if something is wrong. I asked about strength of movements and kicks too and they said that as long as you can feel baby moving around it doesn't matter if the kick is not so strong one day as baby could have just moved into a different position affecting how strongly we feel it. Dunno if that's helpful or just added to the confusion. I think basically if in doubt or slightly worried just pick up the phone.

Sorry if I've missed anyone, I am finding it hard to keep up sometimes. Tiredness and nausea is not helping.

Welcome gorgeous George - congratulations @Melpops36 he's just perfect!

28 weeks today and midwife appointment this morning - let's see if I can avoid yet another GTT morning 😬😩

OMG @Melpops36!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! He is gorgeous! You must be the only person I know to have their baby arrive on their due date! Welcome to motherhood and enjoy the crazy ride and the snuggles! xxx

Congrats @Melpops36 he is gorgeous! You must be so relieved. Wishing you a speedy healing process and lovely time bonding together ❤️

@Melpops36 what a beautiful baby and a beautiful name to match! On your due date too! I hope you and George are both doing well.

@Notnowokay basing on how I feel, just doesnt feel right calling that baby an "it".

Hope you are okay @Bluebelltulip

@Mistymeow yeah they think it is cervical ectropian or "erosion" as they called it - bloomin freaked me out until they explained it doesnt actually mean its eroding away.

I am sorry you havent had completely positive news @KnitKitty

Completely get that @sadtoday21 regarding no more scans, it is weird to think they dont do anymore. I'll try to reassure you that they are generally good at spotting these issues, e.g. if you start having bleeding, leaking, your bump isnt measuring right. Each time they have spotted excess fluid just by measuring and feeling my bump then sent me off for extra scans.

Good luck @Frillyfarmer for today's app

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of the ERPC op for our Baba

Congratulations @Melpops36.

I've been in hospital this morning, still getting period pains but cervix is closed so nothing is imminent.

@Mistymeow hope you're ok, the brick sounds terrifying!

@sadtoday21 I usually start to worry about movements if I haven't felt him in a couple of hours and ring if nothing in 3 hours. This time frame used to be longer but he started moving more frequently as he got bigger. The advice is so vague! It's so stressful, I've probably been over cautious but I'd rather go in when there is nothing wrong than leave it too late...

Sorry you're stressed about high blood pressure @KnitKitty. I'm glad your baby girl is growing well though!

Congratulations @Melpops36! He's absolutely gorgeous! Love the name too. Hope you both are doing well. Enjoy the newborn cuddles!

Sorry you've got nausea again @InDreamland :(

Congratulations on getting to the third trimester @Frillyfarmer! Hope you don't have to do another GTT.

I've had period-like pains on and off for the past couple of weeks too @Bluebelltulip. I had hoped it was a good sign and that it wouldn't be too long until the baby arrives but yesterday at my midwife appointment he was not engaged at all so clearly has no plans on ever coming out.

The midwife said it was pointless doing a sweep when the baby isn't engaged so she didn't do one. The consultant said to start the sweeps from 37 weeks though and at the next appointment I'll be nearly 39 weeks which means I'm unlikely to go into labour naturally before the induction. I stupidly spent the afternoon crying yesterday because I now feel like I'm never going to have this baby and he'll stay in there too long and something will happen.

Can I ask to swap midwives? Has anyone else done this?

I had another midwife this morning as mine was away and it was such a nicer experience. Obviously my main concern is GD as I had it in my last pregnancy and it made me high risk - consultant led etc. My regular midwife has been making me go to GTT mornings even though my glucose level hasn't shown in any samples in this pregnancy. I discussed with the other midwife this morning and she looked through my notes, told me that last time I really was borderline and that if I keep a good diet it shouldn't be an issue at all. We discussed home births and I've come away feeling positive and "normal" rather than the high risk medical affair I was faced with last time.

I asked the GP to book my next appointment with her and they said they couldn't do that, and if I had an issue with my regular midwife I would need to raise it with the community midwife team. So now I'm a bit torn as to what I should do? My midwife hasn't done anything wrong but I've never really got along with her and now I'm more informed about my GD I feel as though she's done nothing to reassure me that actually it's not that bad!