September 2019 #9 - for Twittlebee **title edited by MNHQ**

[IVEgottheDECAF]

New thread ladies as i feel the end of the last one may fill quickly following last nights news!

Once again congratulation Twittle & family

Lovely picture twittle thank you so much for sharing

Sleep tight lovely boy

Well done @TwittleBee, sounds like you have given Roy a fitting tribute and I’m so glad everyone is supporting you. You are in my thoughts today, such an incredibly difficult time but you are awe inspiring with how you are coping xx

That's a beautiful photo Twittle, and it sounds like it was a wonderful service for little Roy X

Sending you lots of love xxx

What a lovely idea the bubbles were. Sleep tight little Roy who touched so many x

Twittlebee, thinking of you and Roy so much today. I hope it went as smoothly as it could have done. You've done Roy proud.

Try and get some rest, let your body and mind recuperate as much as you can xx

@TwittleBee the picture is beautiful, I cant imagine how hard today is for you, you have given Roy so much beauty and care in everything you are doing for him Xxxx

Thinking of you today

@TwittleBee it looked like a gorgeous tribute. So glad to read how much support you have in real life also, I hope you can continue to lean on them.

As others have said, don't worry about remember the details of Roy's cry or specific moments, you will find a way to remember him and will carry him with you always.

Sending you love xx

What a beautiful picture, Twittle, thank you so much for sharing with us. It looked like a really lovely tribute to your little man. Sending lots of good wishes to you and your family

What a beautiful, peaceful picture @TwittleBee
I know you have touched so many of us with your story of strength and love, in awe of how you are coping with it all. Take the time you need to rebuild yourself. Your baby will always be with you in your memory, there's no doubt of that. When you feel rested and more settled, your memories will be clearer too. Sending you lots of love💕

How are you doing since the funeral, Twittle? Going home after must have been hard. Thinking of you.

Lovely picture @TwittleBee I hope the funeral went as well as it could. How are you getting on? Thinking of you x

Our parents treated us to a caravan holiday for 4 nights straight after the Funeral so we avoided heading home and have been having lots of fun with DS here. That's not to say we aren't struggling emotionally though.

Past 2 days I've been a wreck whenever DS hasn't been about to help keep my emotions in check. No clue where i would be without him.

DH and DS have been doing lots of swimming. I did try joining in, as my midwife said it would be fine to do so, but it made my cut start bleeding. So I've been watching them on the side which firstly makes me feel like I'm missing out and secondly gives me the opportunity to sit there and watch strangers kids play together which makes my heart ache so much as DS won't have a sibling to play with now.

Also can't stop thinking about the sepsis that Roy had and how DS also had sepsis when he was born early... is it me? Do I give my babies sepsis?

Oh Twittle those are hard thoughts to be having! Sepsis just means an infection overwhelmed them, and such tiny babies don't have much immune system, it's not you! Guilt goes into overdrive because we are the kind of animal that needs a "why", but sometimes there is no why. You don't have to be the why- it's an awful awful thing, and it's not because of you.
You have every right to be a wreck, and it's important to give yourself space for that. And I'm so glad to hear that you have been able to find little chinks of joy too, even in these dark days. I can't imagine how hard it must be.

No twittle it's not you. You poor thing, please don't think that. Did you get counselling sorted for both of you in the end? Not sure how long these things take? Also, it's absolutely fine to crumple a bit when DS not around. Being strong all the time isn't good, you have to let the emotions out sometimes otherwise they'll overwhelm you.

You're still doing so well lovely, one day at a time and keep going and finding joy where you can with your loved ones.

(It's also fine to crumple a bit when your DS is around- it's ok to model handling sadness)

Good point dusty

Thank you both 💕

I do just feel like I have to take responsibility though and be strong. I can see the pain in my DH's eyes when I cry, he finds it so much harder when I'm crying. And DS, bless him, now knows how to say "sad" which is quite a big deal because he doesn't have more than a handful of words, he's behind on his speech.

My cousin gave birth to her gorgeous baby girl yesterday and I can't stop thinking how the baby I MMC in December was due same time as her little girl. We had plans for them to grow up close and be on mat leave together. I'm so happy for her that all has gone well but it's just all such a hard reminder of what I'm missing.

Then of course the guilt kicks in that I'm grieving my MMC baby right now and not just Roy. Oh idk, I just feel like a heartbroken mess.

I So need to reach out to a proper counselling service or get in touch with SANDS but I'm so scared that I'll do nothing but cry to them.

Can't stop playing his Funeral music when I'm alone, it's like I want to torture myself. Like now, im the only one awake atm in the house.

You have every right to remember all your babies @TwittleBee it doesn't mean you love or miss Roy any less.

My best friend was due at the same time I would have been in 2018, we had similar plans for our maternity leave and even talked of sharing childcare and nursery runs when we went back to work. I still look at her dc and think of the one I don't have. You are heartbroken, and I think you are amazing for coping as you are. Your boys are lucky to have you as their mummy.

If you need to listen to the music and have a good cry then do it. I'm sure a bereavement counsellor wouldn't be surprised if you cried, what you have been through is nothing short of hell. And I'm sure they are used to it.

Thank you Florence . It's difficult though to think that if I didn't MMC then I wouldn't have known Roy. Does that make any sense? So weird to think about and then there's part of me that wishes so badly I didn't MMC and then Roy wouldn't have had to go through all that he did, which is horrible as I'm basically wishing he didn't exist.

Oh god. I do need to talk to someone. This is really affecting me badly now. It's like it's really hitting hard now.

@TwittleBee please do try and contact someone today/Mon, just as a first step-its totally understandable that your grief is starting to hit new levels now. You’ve been living on adrenaline for a long time now, post funeral it is usual for it to all start to flow.
It needs processing and you need to get the tears out and all those thoughts and let someone who is trained listen. It’s vital that you don’t repress it all to protect others-they need you well in the long term and that means grieving now.
It’s horrendous and you are being amazing but don’t be afraid of how you feel- it’s all normal, an awful normal xx

They are all normal thoughts though. Your brain is trying to process everything you've been through and trying to rationalise it. I don't think you ever will but I understand exactly what you mean. You didn't want Roy to go through what he did, but if he hadn't you wouldn't have had those 5 days with him. And of course you would have wanted longer, but not if it meant Roy was uncomfortable. You didn't want to have a MMC, but you did. And then you had Roy. Without the really shitty parts, there wouldn't have been some better parts. I feel like I'm waffling now, but hopefully you get what I mean. You didn't 'want' any of this, it's just happened to you.

Don't ever feel bad for thinking things.

Twittle I definitely think you talking to someone sounds like a good plan. You cannot blame yourself for any of the things that have happened. Sometimes life is just really fucking unfair

Twittle please call sands today the number is 02074365881

Please start the process of talking to someone, even if it's just crying on the phone to them for half an hour.

Everything you are describing is so very normal, your brain is going over and over trying to rationalise something that absolutely is completely irrational so it'll try again and again without success.

Please call them twittle x