September 2019 #9 - for Twittlebee **title edited by MNHQ**

[IVEgottheDECAF]

New thread ladies as i feel the end of the last one may fill quickly following last nights news!

Once again congratulation Twittle & family

Twittle, I haven’t said much on here I couldn’t think of anything suitable but have been thinking of you and your family each day.

The thing that strikes me most from your posts is your incredible level of self-awareness, even when dealing with this nightmare, and your love for your family.

If you believe you’ll benefit from talking to someone I’d bet my last dollar that you’re right. And the fact that you’re feeling guilty thinking about one of other of your babies is proof of just how much you love them both.

Ouf twittle it's work, grieving, it's hard hard work. And I expect the lovely people at Sands spend a lot of time sitting on the phone so someone can weep down it, or roar and sob (I know the Samaritans certainly get a lot of calls which are just someone crying. It's just part of what is needed and it's ok). You've so many feelings to untangle. It will take time.

@TwittleBee I can totally understand your thoughts. Please do speak to someone! You've been through so much.

I didn't find time to make that phonecall yesterday - DH and I had an argument and so I took DS out for lunch at our local bakery. Then DH and I sorted ourselves out and went over to PILs for dinner. I did manage to attempt to sign up to their online community though, just waiting for a moderator to approve my request.

Had a good cry on DH in bed last night which was really needed but at same time makes me feel awful putting him through that. Also part of why I am crying is because of him not wanting to try again for another baby ever again so it hurts to look at him sometimes.

I know its so early, only 3 weeks ago did I give birth to Roy and so in someway I feel like I am betraying him, but I cant shake off that feeling of wanting a baby at all.

Back at work today, already in the office.

Twittle As much as i understand you want to keep busy are you sure work is the right place to be?

I would give your DH time over the trying again thing, everything is very raw atm

Ouf Twittle it sounds so hard!
Remember you are entitled to mat leave, maternity allowance etc. You don't need to be at work unless you want to be.
I know you don't like to burden your DH- but looking after each other (in both directions!) is part of the grieving process. Letting him look after you is part of you looking after him too, in a funny way.
And what decaf said re now not being the time for lifelong decisions. Give each other time.

Well pay was always an issue - the shock that maternity allowance doesnt give you that 90% pay for first 6 weeks was something that was always gonna be an issue. Returning to work means that DH wont have to do overtime and money doesnt have to be a worry for us. It also means I can get my promotion quicker now (work said that I was gonna be promoted post mat leave...)

DH has always said he wouldnt want a large age gap - for us we wanted a 1 year age gap, when that wasnt happening we were happy with the 2 year age gap, then the MMC happened but I managed to persuade DH to try again... We will have to wait a minimum 6 months, preferably 1 year before TTC post a C-Sec and so that will be a minimum 3 year gap.

I HATE myself for thinking about this. It is horrible of me.

It's not horrible of you at all, Roy and the baby you lost previously were planned and much wanted, it's natural that there is still a want for a baby in your arms. All the emotions and ups and downs that you are feeling are very normal, bloody awful and I'm sure everyone wishes they could take them away but they are normal. Please try and call sands today if you feel you can, I won't add details because it's not my place to do so but one of my best friends has had similar heartbreaks to yours and her counselling and speaking to other people who had gone through similar really helped her. You are in my thoughts every day and I'm glad that you can come here and talk and be open x

Twittlebee, the rollercoaster of emotions you are going through is so normal. There's no right or wrong way to feel but it's also OK to prioritise yourself sometimes. You don't have to protect everyone else from their own feelings, or yours.

You have been in my thoughts so much, and you are being so strong. But please do find someone to lean on, try SANDS if you can. Have you been offered any face to face counselling? It might help to talk to someone who isn't personally affected.

I'm so grateful for you all for giving me this space to talk and for you all replying to me. Must be hard for you all. Surely some of you must be getting closer to giving birth now as some were due in August right?

I dont know if I can face talking out loud to anyone just yet, whenever I try I just cry. Feels like I need to just sob for the rest of my life when I try talking out loud - DH and I do a lot of talking about Roy over text...

But I am waiting for the SANDS moderators to approve my request to join their online forum - hoping that talking to others who have been through this will help me. Also I shall attend a SANDS meeting in the next town from us in September (cant make the august date due to having no baby sitter or transport)

I understand how hard it is to talk out loud. Please keep talking to us on here if it helps.

It's not nearly as hard for any of us as it is for you. And we get to choose whether to read or not.

Twittle I'm sure he doesn't mean that about never trying again, but I'm sure he does mean it right now if that makes sense. Because he's trying to protect you all because he loves you so much. You'll get to a decision together when the time is right.

You take it very very easy at work please. Can you do half days rather than full ones for a while?

Yes to what dusty said about dh looking after you will actually be helping him too.

We'll be here for as long as you want us. You've always helped me and others so much and you're always caring about everyone else.

Good first step for joining the online platform, one thing at a time but maybe you'll pick up the phone to them in the next couple of evenings too? Just a quick call down the phone first maybe until you can put something into words.

Just checking in to see how you're feeling today twittle. Hope you got that approval for the sands forum?

Morning Kyles thank you for checking in. Still no approval, I dont know whether to email them asking? Feels a bit rude to do that though as they are probably just so busy?

Drained this morning, didnt get a good sleep despite my attempts to get a good sleep - my friend bought me a lovely bedtime bath soak and I had a candle lit bath with it but nope I couldnt switch off still.

I shall try to call Sands today - I am working from home today

I've emailed them, it does say my request would be approved within 24 hours and so I'm now thinking I've been rejected

Yeah I'd have emailed too, it may be that something has gotten caught up in your junk folder or something.

They won't be rejecting you, it'll be some computer error somewhere along the way. I guess it's a good thing that they're being so meticulous and making sure that it's a safe place for you all.

Well done for trying to take some time out with the bath, on some level I hope it helped a little even if it perhaps didn't feel like it. I definitely think you should try to get that phone call prioritised too, the first call will be the hardest though, and I'm sure it'll probably feel worse to begin with before anything starts to feel better so deep breath beforehand.

I keep looking back at photos, been doing it all night and morning. It's not the ones of Roy that sting but the ones when I was pregnant. I look so foolishly happy.

Look at this stupid pregnancy announcement for example. It's what you get for counting your chickens before they hatch (and flourish)

I just hate myself so much, I hate how stupid I was, how naive I was and I keep questioning everything I done. I was an idiot for drinking caffeine, an idiot for drinking glasses of wine here and there, an idiot for over working, an idiot for stressing, an idiot for gardening and clearing up cat shit

You look beautiful and radiant and deservedly happy, all of you do. Of course you do, it's the most natural thing in the world to be happy for. You didn't make anything go wrong for being pleased and excited like any other person expecting.

It really is a beautiful photo and I hope one day you can look back at it and remember your so so loved little mans special few days with you all.

Do you think you could maybe call sands now? I can hang around for a bit so be on hand for straight after if need be, or if you need to hang up the phone to them or something? A virtual hand hold for the first call?

I'm the same idiot then lovely. I smoked for the first few weeks too before I knew I was pregnant.

Thank you Kyles - I can't call them yet, can't imagine doing it whilst DH is here. He's going out later for a bike ride so I'll give it a go then.

And you weren't an idiot, you didn't know.

If I'm ever lucky to have another chance I'll do everything 100% right

Oh love I wish their was something I could say to convince you that this isn’t your fault. Nothing you did caused this.

You weren’t stupid or naive, you were wise, helpful, kind and excited and the way things turned out for you is beyond unfair. You don’t deserve to be going through this.

I dont think anything anyone will say will ever convince me science - I honestly feel like it is me who give my babies infections and it is me whose body breaks waters early (probably due to infection)

I've just been approved for the online community so that email must have helped.

Did you know 15 babies die every day in the UK either shortly before, during or after birth - keep thinking about all those other parents that have lost their babies too.

That sounds like a good plan twittle. Will keep checking in too to make sure you're ok.

Plenty of women do nothing right and everything is fine, and others try to do everything right and it isn't. It really can just be shit shit luck I think.

Perhaps you are right with that Kyles - my step sister is due in November and she is still taking drugs and smoking, it makes me so sad to think my little nephew is already being exposed to such harsh things, I just want to protect him