September 2019 #9 - for Twittlebee **title edited by MNHQ**

[IVEgottheDECAF]

New thread ladies as i feel the end of the last one may fill quickly following last nights news!

Once again congratulation Twittle & family

Is there anything else that might help alongside them? Have a lavender bath with DS? Downloading some mindfulness apps on your phone to listen to?

Oh Twittle you need to be looked after too, you can't carry everyone's pain. It sounds like you and your DH are doing your bests to shoulder it together, but it's going to be a wobbly path. You ALL need to be babied. Maybe now is the time for you ALL to be sharing a bed, and holding on to each other tight!
The pharmacist may be able to help with something for your sleep without needing a gp appointment, and possibly your bereavement midwife?

Hey twittle. Maybe dh was trying to express that he needed you to sleep with him for comfort, but badly. My dh is rubbish at saying what he actually wants. I think it's a man thing.

You do need to get yourself off to your gp though, and arrange the counselling - do you have something in place already? You'll just stop coping one day if you keep trying to shoulder everything yourself, and then you'll feel awful about that. You need to look after yourself first so that you're then able to look after everyone else.

Don't fret that yesterday was particularly bad, no 2 days are going to be the same at the minute.

Hi @TwittleBee just to say I'm thinking of you. I'm in awe of you and your strength.
Did you get to the GP? I hope you get a little bit of rest tonight.

I be a super relaxing bath last night actyally KnobJockey and then proper pampered myself to do something that felt good and looked after me and it actually helped loads.

DustyDoorframes yeah I did actually managed to get to the pharmacist and they recommended I try herbal stuff before I use anything else? Anyway, got Nytol and idk if it worked or it's because I proper relaxed with a bath etc before but I did manage sleep between midnight to 4.30am! Longest stint of sleep for ages.

kyles101 that's what my friend also said actually, that DH probably just needs me at night or is worried about me. Had a proper talk with him yesterday and he said I might have just taken it all too sensitively because I'm tired and emotional and that he didn't mean anything by it other than concern for me.

As for counselling, I think we need some as a couple. I'm worried that, although we are trying to help each other and we are communicating, we might actually still start to struggle because we are so different in our grief.

Thank you iano and it's all my DS really, without him I wouldn't be this strong. He makes me smile and keeps me busy.

How's everyone pregnancies coming along? Really is getting to final stretch for some isn't it?

Glad you had a better night last night @TwittleBee and took care of yourself.

Joint counselling sounds like a good idea, it must be so difficult to manage both sets of grief.

How is your DS coping?

Nytol and lovely baths sounds excellent! I'm a great believer in the healing properties of lovely baths (on mind and body) I'm so glad you were able to get a little more sleep!
And counselling together sounds very wise too. It does sound like the two of you are doing your best, and really trying to look after each other. It's going to be hard (it IS hard!), but it sounds like you are setting off on this horrible road in a very caring and thoughtful way.
How are you doing with you scar and physical healing? The lack of sleep can't be helping with that either!

DS is doing amazing, he did ask for Roy and was sad when I reminded him that Roy's gone now. He also points to his photo and makes a sad face and noise which is heartbreaking.

Physically I'm doing great. I am actually I'm healing far better than I did with my natural birth with DS.

I am on my own today, DH and DS have gone off with my sister and her kids to a Country Show. I've had to stay behind as I've a Doctor's appointment I can't reschedule without getting a cancellation fee now, it's for the fricking car crash I had in January so that's gonna be making me emotional anyway without all this going on too. Really nervous about going to town alone.

Deep breaths twittle. You're one of her strongest people I "know" a trip to town won't beat you. But if a friend happens to be around I'm sure any one of them would gladly go with you, and maybe go for a coffee afterwards? Although again, in the circumstances I don't think you'd get a cancellation fee if you really felt you couldn't face it.

Couples counselling sounds like a great idea, but I don't think you have anything to worry about per se, you actually both sound really supportive and conscious of each other's feelings and that's more than half the battle I think, even if you do grieve in different ways. And dh is a bit clumsy in explaining himself sometimes!

I love a country show, plenty about at this time too in our area, hopefully same for you too so you can take ds to the next one.

I did manage it, on bus back now. Was bloody hard and did cry a few times seeing babies, pregnant women or baby related stuff. But bought an outfit for the Funeral too as wasn't too sure what to wear as what I did buy to wear won't be delivered till after the Funeral (typically)

You may not feel like it but you are doing amazingly Twittle, been thinking about you a lot. Make sure you put your feet up for a bit when you get home if that's the first time you've done a lot of walking and stuff post section as you might be sore later x

Ouf Twittle well done! And good re the outfit. When is the funeral? I'm sure quite a few of us would like to pause and think of Roy and all of you when it is happening.

Well done twittle. That was a big thing to do on your own. Please rest for the rest of the evening and tomorrow if possible too - you have had a big op, so don't push yourself too much.

Thank you xx

Funeral is tomorrow. Keep randomly crying today. At my parents for a family now ahead of it tomorrow as it's taking place back here in the town I grew up in so makes sense to stay here at mum's tonight.

Feels so fucked up that we will be burning our baby

Twittle the whole thing must feel so absurd. It's not something that's meant to happen, there isn't a rule book. I'll be thinking of you so much tomorrow. I hope your family are holding you tight in a good way, and you have space if you need it and people around you if you need them.
Tomorrow will be what it is. Your plans are beautiful.

I can't imagine how you're feeling @TwittleBee

Are you being looked after at Mums?

For what it's worth, Roy is with you wherever you are. Always. He touched so many of us in his short life and had everyone behind him. We'll all be thinking of you, Roy and your beautiful family tomorrow xxxx

Oh Twittle, I hope you're getting lots of hugs at home. Cry whenever you feel like it, your body needs the release. Thinking of you xx

@TwittleBee it is totally fucked up, just so bloody unfair that you have to do this.
Hope you get through tomorrow and can start the bloody hard task of grieving together.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending strength xx

Family are being amazing and my Nan bought over my fav bottle of red so drank that almost to myself during the bbq. Thankfully, my family are pretty good with emotions and so having good cries in front of them is okay although it sets them off with crying too and then I feel guilty.

DS is in bed with me and DH tonight and he's so snuggly, so tempting to have him in bed with us every night.

So scared for the Funeral, so worried DS will be freaked out by it. Scared to say goodbye.

I know he's always going to be in our hearts but I'm so scared I'll start forgetting him. I already feel like that first and last cry we heard from him, when he was born, is starting to slip from my memories. I have an awful memory.

Thinking of you all today Twittle

Thinking of you today twittle. Don't pressure yourself to remember exact sounds or the exact way a certain something looked, it's Roy's essence you remember and will hold with you always. The feeling of him. That will never go. Your family sound like a good bunch, lean on them x

Oh Twittle thinking of you so much today. These days are about weeping and wailing together, there is nothing to feel guilty about. I'm so glad you are part of a family which "does" emotions!
Re remembering the details- even if you forgot everything (you won't!) Roy will still have left an impression on who you are, and on the other people who loved him. It's not all about the details.
Unmumsnetty hugs, today of all days.

Twittle thinking of you and your family today! Sending peace and lots of love

It was a beautiful service and so many of our family, friends and colleagues came to show us support and love.

Thank you all so much for giving me support over here xx

Twittle thank you so much for updating! That's a beautiful picture, the bubbles were such a gorgeous thing to do.
I'm so glad it went well!