September 2019 #9 - for Twittlebee **title edited by MNHQ**

[IVEgottheDECAF]

New thread ladies as i feel the end of the last one may fill quickly following last nights news!

Once again congratulation Twittle & family

Thank you Kyles, I really do have amazing support. I feel like DH needs to talk to a professional though, he's blaming himself for it all - he's saying he feels like because we actively tried so hard when TTC to make a life that it's his fault (and i guess mine too!?) for being part of giving him life and that the life he had was awful for those 5 days. He feels like he put our baby through those 5 days of suffering.

I'm worries about my inability to sleep, I'm sure it's got to hit me at some point? I've not managed to sleep a decent amount since my waters broke 12 days ago

Twittle is it perhaps worth seeing your GP and getting something to help you sleep? Even so you can just get a couple of good night's. Or you could try the OTC sleepeaze from boots.

Thinking of you, I'm glad you've got support. This is such a difficult thing to go through. It sounds like your DH could definitely benefit from speaking to someone, logically that doesn't make sense - it's not your fault that this happened at all, especially not through wanting a baby. His life was short but most of it was spent snug and happy in your womb - you then gave him a chance to live and it could have gone either way but you were unlucky. Noones fault. I'd want the same for myself, but that's just my opinion.

Hey @TwittleBee. I've been over on the FB group for a while but wanted to pop back to say that I am thinking of you and your little family so much. I am in awe of your strength and how you have handled this situation. I am so glad you had such amazing support from the hospice and especially wanted to check in now that you are back home. Please take each day at a time and ask for all the support you and your DH need. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for you but I am sure any of us on here would do anything and all we can to help, from just being a listening ear to helping you find any services you need. I agree that a visit to the GP might be a good idea for both you and your DH, even just to know what is on offer for future should you feel you need it. I hope that all the support on here helps you to see that we all think you have coped amazingly well and that you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Take care of yourself x

Good morning Twittle. I have a friend who has gone through a still birth, and she has said that she just copes afterwards, because she was too worried about her DH and older kids. Now, 3 years down the line, it's hitting her hard. Can I just ask that both of you look into counsrlling, don't just worry about DH- you've both been through such s traumatic event. She also has said that the only thing that kept their relationship strong was to have a pact to talk about their DD whenever they felt like it- if one of them wanted to talk about feelings, then provided it wasn't wildly unsuitable, they did- the other wasn't allowed to shut them down just because it upset them or they didn't feel like it.

I hope that doesn't sound too preachy, and you need to do whatever feels right to you, but please don't put yourself at the back of the queue is what I was getting at.

Hi @TwittleBee , just to echo @KnobJockey 's comments. I'm sure it is both worth you looking into some counselling. What you are experiencing is the most awful shock and grief and you need time, and support, to process and manage this however you both need. Which could also be in different ways. Try and be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve.

I would also try and get something to help you sleep - if only to help you manage in the short run. You've also had major surgery so are managing physical pain (as well as emotional and mental) and sleep will help aid your physical recovery. Sending you love

Twittlebee you need to do anything you can to get through these raw first few weeks, there's no shame on getting something to help from the doctor even if it's just so you can get a couple of nights sleep. You might not be ready yet but when you are Sands are a great source of support and to echo previous poster my friend who had a still birth was really helped by her councillor. You've just got to try and get through each day one small step at a time. I wish there was something more we could all do to help. X

Twittle I'm not surprised you can't sleep, your hormones must be all over the shop, let alone your feelings. Your body has been through a lot too.
It's really good that you and your DH are able to articulate what's going through your heads. It's hard to make space to look after yourselves when you are trucking on for your eldest, but so so important. Put your own oxygen mask on first!
It must feel so strange now that you are away from the hospice. I just can't even imagine.

I’ve not been on the thread for a couple
of weeks and I’m absolutely heartbroken to come back on and find this awful news. Twittlebee I am devastated for you and have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. For you to offer to donate your milk is so admirable and I think that it would be a wonderful thing to do out of such a tragedy. Rest in peace little Roy xxx

I think I will give GP a call Wednesday to get an appointment about sleep but I might also mention my concerns for DH and see what they suggest? Or maybe I'll speak to the midwife that called me today, she said she was the Midwife that dealt with grieving and would be calling me to make sure I'm okay and to arrange a debrief in 6 weeks time.

Tomorrow we have DS in nursery so we are off to funeral directors that my mum has appointed on our behalf.

Speak to them both Twittlebee- it sounds like the GP will be good for the physical side, while the midwife might be the person for the emotional.

How are you doing, have you managed to nap at all today to try and catch up? Eat anything? Have you made any decisions for what you would like for Roy?x

No naps, we had a busy day. Or rather busy afternoon. This morning was weird, time slipped past us and before we knew it we had nothing done. So this afternoon we ventured out on the bus, had family hair cuts and then got funeral outfits for DH and DS (I think I'm going to wear the dress I bought for the baby shower, it's a swing dress so not obviously maternity).

I seriously over done it though, we walked far too much and on the walk to PILs I was in agony. DH has me on strict rest now.

We've chosen 2 songs and a poem. We really like the idea of having something read out that we've written together but it just makes us cry every time we try. We are going for summery dress code (No black permitted) and shall have bubbles on our exit.

Twittle that plan sounds lovely. (Not the overdoing it! And also- you didn't do nothing this morning! Your body worked on healing itself and you grieved. The victorians used to go into lockdown after a bereavement, and in many ways that was with good reason- you are only half in the word when you are deep in grief, you need time and space to drift through it a bit).
Re the writing, it might be that the time for writing is later, not just yet. You could try just sitting with a piece of paper writing a stream of what comes, but it's likely to be very dark while you are still so raw. There will be other times for you and DH to remember and write something too, you don't need to do everything now.

Get that gp called as soon as you're able twittle. You need to be able to rest to heal.

The summary dress code and bubbles sound beautiful.

Will dh listen if you suggest he talk to someone? I know mine would resist but hopefully yours is more sensible.

Hi @TwittleBee its Edidxb here from the July group. I just heard what happened and wanted to come along to say how sorry I am for what has happened. I have read all the comments and you have so much support here. I know that doesn't help in real life but hopefully it helps a little.
You sound like you are doing so well, but I hope you can get some help for sleep soon. I hope the next few days and weeks are OK. Sending much love xxxx

Oh edi hi! How are things with you? Thank you for popping by xx

kyles I'm not sure, he tells me when I need help (he's really good with my usual mental health issues) but I don't know if he would listen other way around. He's been pretty good today, but I guess with grief it comes and goes in waves doesn't it.

That is true Dusty - we can reflect back on Roy later and write him something thoughtful when we have a bit more space from this horrid period of time. We are thinking of spreading his ashes (the very little there will be) on his due date.

Hi @TwittleBee , are you managing to get some sleep? How is your physical recovery after your c section?

Your plan to scatter Roy's ashes on his due date sounds lovely. You'll be in my thoughts.

Hi @Twittle, did you speak to your GP? Were they able to offer any advice for you and DH or to help with your sleep? I think your plans for Roy's funeral and to scatter his ashes sound beautiful. I hope you are recovering well physically x

”Today I wrote a note to a bereaved mother. I wanted to say don’t believe all those sympathy cards. The ones that say “time heals” and “God only takes the best” and “may your sorrows be lessened.” You’ll only be disappointed. I wanted to say this is the most heart-wrenching, chest crushing, breath stealing tragedy on earth. I wanted to tell her there will be days she wants to die, and friends who will not understand some of the things she does or says.
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I wanted to tell her she will still feel her child’s presence at times, sometimes so strongly that it is as if they are dancing just at the edge of whatever activity is going on. And other times she might not feel their presence at all.
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I wanted to tell her that her life will not go back, that she will never be the same, because a piece of her left with her child. And that even though the pain does not go away, somehow her soul will eventually make enough room so she can hold it all– the grief, the pain, the joy and the love.
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I wanted to tell her… but I didn’t. Instead, I wrote this: I’m sending love, for words are pointless right now. And that is the truth.”

by Susi Costello

Thinking of you @TwittleBee xx

I hope things went ok with the funeral director, Twittle. I've been thinking of you lots today.

@Karigan195 that is absolutely lovely and I am sure never has a truer word been spoken!

Hi everyone,

Really struggling today, feels so much heavier on me. Think the sleeping issie is hitting hard and i stupidly keeo putting it off, I just hate going GPs and it's difficult getting an appointment too.

DH and I had an argument too about how I'm babying DS and how I should stop spending the night in his room.

Karigan those words really have hit me hard too, in a good way though like in an understanding way. Cried when I read that.

Hey @TwittleBee

I'm not surprised if you're still not sleeping on top of everything else. Could you get a telephone appointment?

Is your DH picking fights as a way to talk perhaps? My DH does this, it really annoys me that he can't just have a conversation with me. Has he thought any more about seeing someone to talk to? Have you?

If sleeping in with your ds is helping you I wouldn't be changing that right now. How old is he?

@twittlebee you have been in my thoughts, I'm in complete awe of how brave and strong you are.

I would agree that the lack of sleep won't be helping, I'm sure your GP practice would be a little more helpful than normal under the circumstances if you can bear to contact them. If not, is there someone else who could give them a call and explain? Otherwise, there are over the counter sleeping medications that are pretty good for very short term use.

I'm.sure your DH means well and is obviously going through unimaginable pain too - has he spoken to anyone? But your DS is still so small, it wouldn't be a problem even if you were babying him. Ditto to sleeping in his room, if it helps you then it is the right thing to do.

Xx

Thank you both. Another sleepless night it seems for me. I've been productive though, been sorting through Roy's things and filled out his Baby Record Book - which was heartbreaking.

I think you're both right about DH. He was actually really different before he headed off to bed too, like he suddenly just switched into completely needing me to comfort him. It hurts so much to see him grieving too, so wish I could carry that pain for him as well.

Think it's time I push myself for those pills, might make it to the pharmacy tomorrow to get over the counter stuff at least