Pregnancy after loss: spring 2019 edition (The Brexit Babes) 🐧

[PassTheAfterEights]

Extra supportive pregnancy journey thread for grads of the penguin huddle and anyone due spring 2019 after a long and bumpy road.

All welcome 🐧

Thread commandments:

Thou shalt share and not apologise for any neurosis or worry

Thou shalt shuffle immediately to the centre of the huddle when feeling vulnerable or hopeless

Thou shalt share all photographs and good news and celebrate raucously that of others

Thou shalt not apologise for TMI, or pearl-clutchy words and language

Thou shalt add your handle, age, number of DC and EDD when joining the thread to roll call so we know where everyone is (thanks!)

May our beans snuggle down, heads stay steady & the elastic on our waistbands quickly snap x

Hi everyone, I’ve had a tough couple of weeks. It was my due date for last MMC on Wednesday and @Swisbest2 I’ve been feeling the same, fat, tired, sick and completely unattractive.
I’m absolutely petrified for my scan on monday, still not sure I’ve felt any movement yet and having trouble sleeping. I’m so worried.
I’m not enjoying pregnancy at all right now. Thought the worry would ease after the 12 week scan but I guess not

Sorry for my grumpy post...

And welcome @shinyblackdog and so sorry for everything you’ve been through

Thank you for your kind words @Maydot, and so sorry, my post was probably not what you should be reading right now. My baby's problems were very rare though, the vast vast majority of people (including me this time round) have no issues at the 20 week scan. I completely understand that that doesn't really help you sleep better though. I wish I had some kind of attitude reset button - therapy's not cutting it!

@maydot don’t answer if you don’t want to but did you do anything to mark your due date?
Mine is tomorrow, and I’m struggling to stay positive but at the same time I don’t really want to wallow. I was going to try and not think of it and thought I was succeeding but had a really horrible dream last night so I think my subconscious is telling me to face it.

I’m sorry to hear that @shinyblackdog. What kind of therapy are you having? If it isn’t CBT, it might be worth asking your GP or mental health antenatal team to refer you for some. The reality is that the stats are always in your favour of going home with a healthy baby but when you’ve been in that tiny percentage, it’s hard to focus on that.

I’ve realised today that I am absolutely terrified of this labour. I think I need to follow my own advice and seek some sort of help for it as well.

Hi @shinyblackdog welcome to the group. I'm so sorry for what you've been through & is completely understandable the way your feeling with this pregnancy. Do you feel like you're generally making progress with your therapist? Might it be that switching to someone else whom you may then connect better with could help?

I tried to use statistics to help me cope with my second pregnancy but after that also ended up as a mmc I haven't found any comfort in them anymore. After all once you've been in the tiny percentage once it's hard to reason with yourself that it's unlikely to happen again. Even though as you say each pregnancy is new and the chances are still each time in favour of a good outcome.

@Maydot I' coming up to 19 weeks & also have been struggling and not sure if I'm feeling clear movements or not yet if it's any consolation- your not alone. I also struggled during my second Mmc due date back in beginning of Oct despite being 13/14 weeks then and having just had a positive dating scan a week or so before. Think it does have an impact even if subconscious though was also around when my nausea faded so wasn't sure if it was that in part as well making me anxious.

I'm coming around to the notion that there is no landmark in this pregnancy journey beyond which I'm likely to stop having some level of anxiety but just have to try and manage it and ride the waves of it.

@SurfingOwl, it is CBT and I like my therapist - I think I'm better than I was but when I started the course I wasn't pregnant, and after two losses didn't expect to get pregnant. I started it to work on grieving for the tfmr and the anxiety I had that something would happen to dd1. I was pregnant by the second session which added a third element to the requirement - I guess it moved the goalposts a bit and I'm not sure if any therapy could handle all that! In fairness, it (along with the new pregnancy) has really helped with the grieving. But then something pops up on my MSN feed about what Amanda Holden went through, for example, and it really puts me back. Maybe the placental USS mentioned upthread would help - but then, if they saw something would they be able to fix it or would I be totally spun out for the rest of my pregnancy? Vexing... It's really helpful to have somewhere to talk about this though, it's not the kind of thing people generally want to hear about, so thank you.

I’m having the placental USS mentioned @shinyblackdog every four weeks because if anything is found, I will be monitored much more closely and they can do many things now in pregnancy - plus the intention of when to deliver will change. I’ve been told any complications early on and they will do what they can to keep me safely pregnant but if I after 32 weeks and they will immediately deliver.

@shinyblackdog youre in good company here. Dont believe you tempted fate thats just your way of trying to regain control and reason things. My ocd has got worse the nearer i get to 12 wèeks because its true theres absolutely nothing we can do.

@maydot im definitely being very needy atm 😂

@shinyblackdog Welcome. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You're in good company here though. All lovely understanding women.

I'm feeling anxious about my dating scan tomorrow now. I was up for 4 hours last night between 12 and 4am. I'm feeling nervous incase something is wrong. I know I've had 2 good scans but the fear is still there. Plus the combined test scares me.

Can I have opinions please. So scan Monday, I planned to tell work Friday as that allows time for a phone call if any issues. However I since found out my boss is going to China 2 days later so this Sunday till 28th then I'm off 29th and 30th. So is it ok to tell him Friday right before he goes? My friends suggested telling him Monday but saying I'm waiting on blood tests before telling anyone else. Or do I wait and tell everyone Friday? I'm just concerned he'll be busy and I might not get a Chan e then he's away, so I'll have to wait till December! But I just want it out in the open.

@Pancakes7 good luck for tomorrow! Be lovely to get the 12 week scan done and have things out in the open.

I agree with telling your boss Monday but say you're waiting on test results. It'll take the stress off you in case you can't catch him on Friday.

Welcome @shinyblackdog! So sorry for what you've been through

I have no advice as I'm only 9 weeks and have terrible antenatal anxiety but wishing you all the best with this pregnancy.

Thanks @toasterstrudle

Guys I'm after some advice if that's ok. Had epu scan on Friday at 8+5 and saw heartbeat. Woke up Saturday and for the first time in weeks I've no nausea and didn't throw up. Thought I'd wait it out and see, today I also don't feel nauseous at all.

Can symptoms come and go? The sonographer and doctor at epu told me not to have any more scans until 12 weeks (I've only had one) as they're concerned about any impact on my mental health of worrying. They also told DH the effects of u/s haven't been fully investigated so now he's completely anti private scans.

I'm thinking just monitor how I feel this week - see if symptoms come back - and if they don't maybe book a private scan anyway? Urgh.

I am also aware that after two mc (one mmc) I am a paranoid wreck.

I hope your scan goes well @Pancakes7 and I think you should see how you feel on Friday. There is no need to pressure yourself into deciding a set date for telling your boss; just do what is right for you at the time.

I don’t have any symptoms @toasterstrudle and all is fine with my baby. It really is quite normal for them to come and go. I also think that is very irresponsible of your doctor and sonograoher to say that - there is no evidence and to imply otherwise to someone who is already very anxious is unacceptable.

Thanks so much @SurfingOwl , I thought that too. The EPU offered me the early scan based on my history and I felt like I was just being told not to be a nuisance at the end. Especially as it was directed at DH not me. I know they'll have flagged me for antenatal depression as I cried at my booking app, but still. My dating scan isn't until 12+6, that's quite a way off!

Just feeling a bit shit.

@toasterstrudle That is really bad of them to speak about you to your DH as if you're not there. There is no evidence ultrasounds are bad. I mean people have them with every pregnancy. They shouldn't have said that to you. I had 2 private scans, one at 7+2 and one at 9+2. As I've been very anxious. If you need an extra scan to reassure yourself then have one. It'll save you alot of worry and stress. So I think it is good for you. Big hugs. I'm sure baby is fine. A number of my friends have said they had little or no nausea, so everyone varies and everyday varies too.

@toasterstrudle i completely get how youre feeling atm had 6 week and 8w5d scans both great but waiting now until 13 weeks and feel bit better today and am once again going through the notions of convincing myself im mot pregnant almost to protect myself from the huge crash of despair if things dont work oht again. Ive a history of depression and they have mentioned support post natal but beforehand where is everybody! Epu is for emergencies or appointments, midwife is spread thin and not really able to DO anything and the doctors seem to wash their hands of anything to do with pregnancy as out of their hands.

For now weve got these little huddles to support each other best we can, no matter how gritty things get.

Thank you @Pancakes7 and @Swisbest2 - thank god for the huddle! I also have just remembered I was referred for lots of scans with DS due to something they picked up at 20 week scan (all was well) but I just have had about 12 all in! So I've no idea what they were on about. Probably just saying it to deter me since I'm a bit of an anxious wreck.

Thank you all x

@toasterstrudle I'm also very surprised they said the effects of ultrasound are unknown. I asked the midwife if I need to be careful about the number of scans because like most of us on here I've been anxious/nervous about something going wrong too and she said no risk.
I wouldn't be impressed if they spoke over me to DH either.
At the end of the day you need to do what is right for you and at the moment that's anything that makes you feel better.
Sorry you've had this xxx

@pancakes7 You don't technically need to tell work until week 25. So if you would rather wait then there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I do also know what you mean about wanting to be open about it. I found it quite hard keeping quiet. Silly things like being asked how the weekend was or evening and in reality I was just asleep. Or saying I was feeling good when I felt crap.

My trust didn't say anything about a call in a short time frame, just that I would hear in two weeks so definitely worth asking them at your scan unless you definitely know?

They'll tell you your nuchal measurement so that gives you an idea of your risk at the appointment xxx

@dreaminofholidays i know what you mean when people keep saying to me you look tired even after my day off i just wanna scream because im pregnant feel like throwing up starving constipated and cant nap here and working 50 hours a week you dumb bitch! 😂 ...best bottle that up for now...

@Dreaminofholidays Yeah I know I don't have to but I'd rather be open and enjoy it. Plus I want to have time to train my cover. My lil fact sheet says high risk hear in 3 working days, otherwise a letter in post in 2 weeks. That's good they tell you about the nuchal measurement. So if they say that's ok, does that mean that you're most likely low risk?

Omg getting really anxious for my scan now. Please, please be ok.