The rainbow cave - where we can remember our angels and pray for our rainbow.

[3littlebadgers]

Hello ladies, the other thread was full, so welcome to the rainbow cave. A place where we can hide away together as we remember our beautiful angel babies, and pray for our tiny rainbows.

Introducing myself and my babies for anyone new,

Name: 3littlebadgers
Angel: DD2, Azra stillborn at 40+5 March 2015
Rainbow: badger boy currently 36+1
Other DCs: ds1, ds2, dd1

I had a scan that took double the allotted time because the baby was uncooperative and didn't move for ages. She got everything else done in the time but had to see movement. I've also had scans when I've had antenatal admissions so I imagine if they have more extras than usual or an uncooperative baby they can easily end up running late. It's not helpful when you're all worked up about whether everything will be okay though!

I think last time it was 90 mins late, and there was no one in the waiting room at all that time.

Then you have to have the scan and go back to the waiting room to wait for papers which takes another 45mins ish. I don't mind that bit tho as by then you have been scanned so know what's going on. Hopefully there won't be too long of a wait as I'm really nervous X

Turns out the reason I still haven't got a scan date is because the person who was supposed to be organising it went on holiday! They're due back next week so hopefully I'll at least hear when it is then. I just want it over with!

That's odd, don't management get cover for people when they go on holiday anymore? I understand when people get sick or need emergency leave of sort, it's harder to find a cover at short notice. But don't people need to book holidays in advance giving management time to arrange cover? Anyway, I hope it turns out to be a blessing in disguise of some sort for you. Like for example you might get to find out the gender earlier than planned, if you want to.
I had a scan at 16 weeks with ds2 and I was asked if I wanted to know the gender which I did. The consultant zoomed in on his manhood so I could see the gender for myself. I got that scan only because they were teaching some students and needed a volunteer to get scanned.

When I was chasing up my "eight week" postnatal follow up appointment three months after my baby who died had been born my consultants secretary said she would phone me back that day and then when I called the next day because she hadn't I was told she'd gone on holiday for two weeks so I think some people just drop everything when they go away without a thought to the effect it might have on patients. (Thankfully the other consultants secretary who was covering anything pressing arranged for me to be fitted in and called me back within minutes of me first speaking to her!) I imagine they are supposed to do a handover and I've just been unlucky.

I hadn't thought about potentially finding out about the gender sooner if this scan is late. I'd better start thinking about it just in case as I still don't know whether I want to find out or not. I was really hoping to be a normal person this time and get to announce at about thirteen weeks but I don't want to go public without having had a scan.

Of course, most people (at least the ones I know) don't announce pregnancy until after the dating scan. Badly you definitely have more patient than me and so does anyone else who manages to wait until birth to find out the gender.

Also if you find out who the office manager is at your antenatal clinic maybe you can ask that person to sort out your scan appointment. I saw our one, last week and I asked her if she could book all my scans for Friday mornings as I'm gonna attend diabetic clinic every Friday anyway. I found all my midwife and scan appointment in the post three days ago. However, we know her from DS1 booking appointment, after the whole funny (at least to me and most people working at the clinic) student midwife confusion.

Hope your scan went well ducky

Hope you get it sorted quickly badly. How frustrating.

My scan went well. 7+4 with a heartbeat have my booking appointment Tuesday but it's with a new midwife who I haven't met before.

I'm so sorry Chat pregnancy after loss is so painfully hard even when it goes right. I hope you get your beautiful rainbow soon.

Hello all [waves to those of you who were in the cave when I was] to those who I didn't have the pleasure of meeting yet, My little angel girl, Azra, was born last March and my rainbow boy, was born this January. Please can I pop back to the rainbow cave to see how you are all doing? I bring and It is so lovely to see so many new rainbows. I wish you all happy and peaceful pregnancies, but I know after all you have been through that is such a tall ask, I found my pregnancy with badger boy, never ending and exhausting with the constant worry and second guessing, but it did end my lovelies. One day at a time and one day soon you will look back and be proud of yourselves for getting through it.

I understand so very well about the worry of being asked about how many children you have, about not wanting to give other pregnant ladies something to worry about. I was exactly the same. I found even the idea of it so desperately sad and so painful. Do I protect the stranger, or the memory of my precious child? It got easier when I was admitted for induction. I was in such a state of panic at the time that I lost all sight of worry for others. I needed all of the support I could get and so anyone and everyone was told that my last baby died. Now walking around with badger boy I frequently get asked if he is my first. My reply is always the same, 'he is my fifth, I only get to hold 4 of them in my arms, but in my heart there will always be five.' Sensitive people, who really wanted to know the answer, understand and take it in and for the others, it often just passes over their heads.

Anyway, enough about me, I really just wanted to tell you all how wonderful you are doing, what an amazing support and comfort you are offering each other, and to wish you all well. You are all amazing and strong despite how you feel, and I am sending you all of my love and best wishes.

This really is the hardest bit that you are doing now. Having badger boy doesn't take my sadness over losing Azra away, but he does give me a whole new reason to be happy, and I don't feel the guilt, for loving him, that I thought I would, just in case any of you are worrying the way I was. I imagine when I care for him I am showing Azra how I would have cared for her too, I imagine when he smiles, he is smiling for her too. I get to love them both, the baby in my arms and the baby in my heart.

So much love and hugs to you all from me, my angel and my rainbow

Lovely to hear from you badgers, your son is gorgeous!

Finally got my scan date! It's in Thursday morning which means I don't have loads of time to get worked up about it. It's also at a different hospital so hopefully all the working out where to go etc will be a good distraction. I have a completely irrational fear that I'll turn up and they'll say I'm not pregnant and there's nothing there.

That's good news badly, how many weeks will you be then?

I think about 13 weeks. So nervous!

All looked good and they've dated me slightly further on than I thought so that's reassuring as my little girl who died was measuring small at my first scan. Such a relief!

Glad it went well today badly. When will you be seen again?

I've got my next MW appointment on Wednesday and my anomaly scan has been booked for the beginning of June so at least I'm not waiting to find out when that one is.

That's good, I always like the next thing booked in, gives me something to work towards!

After the amount of time I waited for the appointment for this scan it's a relief to know exactly when the next one is!

How is everyone? The thread has gone quiet...

Lovely to hear from you Badgers I've been wondering how you are.

Ok here... got very impatient around 16 weeks, felt like it was lasting forever, now nearly 18wks and doing slightly better. 20week scan in 2 weeks.

Showing a lot so people are beginning to ask questions. I am waiting for someone to ask if it's my first child (not happened yet) - I'm bracing myself. Everyone also asks whether we know the sex yet and when we'll find out. I'm really anxious about this... because of our past. Sophie was our first child so it's very hard to know .. or imagine or conceptualise that we're having a different child, so all I can think of is... of course I want a girl! But I don't want to be disappointed if we have a boy. And all that is far too complicated to explain to people who ask what we'd prefer. Of course, all I want is a child who won't die before me again... so anyway. We've decided we'd keep the sex to ourselves until we were ready to announce it, if at all before the birth.

A friend asked me about sex of the baby the other day and then said, well anyway you know you won't know the gender of your child for years! I wish I had the guts to say that to people who ask questions!

I hope you're all doing ok xo

Hi figs, we found out the gender with our eldest and some people got really annoyed/pushy about the fact that we knew but weren't telling so it's worth being prepared with an answer such as, "It's definitely a boy or a girl" for when people ask if you know.

I'm still undecided whether to find out. I definitely didn't want to with my first rainbow as with having lost a girl I felt like I needed a girl so that I would be a mum of girls outwardly but I knew that once I had a real baby in my arms I would be happy whatever so didn't want to risk knowing beforehand if it was a boy. The next time I really didn't mind at all but now because I've had all girls I'm worried that if I knew it was a boy it would feel weird.

Hi ladies,

Hope you are all doing ok.

I been busy last few weeks after the dr changed my insulin, to one that gives more flexibility and stability.

I'm very happy to hear about the good scan news Badly and ducky and very belated congratulations from me.

Figs i will definitely want to find out the sex of the baby and like you, my preference is an alive baby. i found out about the sex with both of my sons, and with DS2 randomly finding out his sex and laughing at the screen where he was showing his manhood off proudly, is a treasured memory i have off him. I see it as a way to make memories of this baby, just in case DC3 joins DS2 in heaven.

Badgers we haven't spoken yet, congratulation on your beautiful boy and thank you for the positive story.

Hope all is well with everyone. I'm 25 weeks tomorrow. Worrying about movement all the time at the mo. I'm feeling the baby move everyday, but whenever I feel like it's been a little while I panic. Gah.

I don't really mind the boy or girl questions. In some ways I quite like people asking me the normal questions, I certainly prefer it to when people say things like 'are you really worried?' And other such things.

Hello everyone!

We're days away from our 20 weeks scans (anomaly, cardiac because of what happened to Sophie and another I think...). I'm nervous but the hospital are AH-MAZING! I am so in awe of the midwife and obstetrician there, they are pretty exceptional. It makes such a difference.

Owlina I know what you mean about movements, I'm not feeling much at all and I panic easily...

I'm really worried about labour now. My pregnancy with Sophie was pretty straightforward and labour was ok - she survived. But it was very long and very painful. But the trauma of watching her die in hospital was .. traumatic! I still have a lot of flashbacks and intrusive memories / nightmares. I was in hospital last summer for a badly broken ankle. They gave me gas and air to fix the dislocation before they operated. The combination of pain, drugs, tiredness was awful: I completely lost it and was crying and screaming as if I was experiencing Sophie dying again. In fact, I don't think I actually 'lost it' when she died, I was so shocked, I froze for a while. I'm very worried that labour will result in something similar again, but worse and for longer...

I wondered - and I hope it's ok to ask (please ignore me if you'd rather not discuss) - how people who had to deliver pregnancies that couldn't go to term or had stillbirths coped with subsequent / current pregnancies and the thought of labour? Any strategies? Did anyone do anything like hypnobirthing? The hospital are probably going to suggest stuff but I am wondering what strategies other people have sought out,...

With love and light xo

Figs, my daughter was born at home two weeks after dying at 21 weeks and despite the circumstances it was a more positive experience than my first birth (in hospital). She actually came so quickly that I couldn't have made it to hospital but I'd planned to stay at home anyway as I'd had a traumatic hospital stay earlier in the pregnancy. I'd originally planned a home birth but my hospital stay had been so traumatic that I seriously considered choosing hospital birth just to avoid the potential of ending up in my local hospital due to transfer from a home birth. In the end for the next pregnancy I opted for a home birth and hired a doula. I'm planning the same this time and would of course transfer to my local hospital in an emergency but if for some reason I had to have a planned hospital birth I would choose a different hospital as I know that the combination of traumatic experience and difficult memories would make my local hospital a bad place for me to give birth in. I'd definitely recommend having a doula as I've found just having one there makes me feel a lot more calm. The first birth my doula was at was her friend's unexpected still birth so she is one of the most understanding people I know.

I am 17 weeks and still not feeling any movement. I've felt at 19, 15, 17 & 14 weeks in my other pregnancies so starting to worry. I had been feeling very positive but now I'm worrying about getting bad news at the anomaly scan.