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Connect with mums-to-be with similar due dates to share experiences and support.

Original poster

The rainbow cave - where we can remember our angels and pray for our rainbow.

510 replies

3littlebadgers · 20/01/2016 07:30

Hello ladies, the other thread was full, so welcome to the rainbow cave. A place where we can hide away together as we remember our beautiful angel babies, and pray for our tiny rainbows.

Introducing myself and my babies for anyone new,

Name: 3littlebadgers
Angel: DD2, Azra stillborn at 40+5 March 2015
Rainbow: badger boy currently 36+1
Other DCs: ds1, ds2, dd1

OP posts:
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5
hopinghopefullyagain · 29/02/2016 19:24

Ramblings of my head that is

KittyandTeal · 29/02/2016 19:33

Um, I don't know. The other place threads don't show in active so we could ask mnhq if you wanted.

Fingers crossed for weds. I'd go with your gut feeling tbh. It's difficult not to assume something will be wrong. I think I'm still there although deep down I do think it'll be ok, saying that I spent all night worrying because my NHS scan report says bladder not visible! I was so bloody relived when he showed me the bladder! Stupid brain!

I'll be thinking of you on weds.

FoggyBlue · 29/02/2016 21:15

I too will be thinking of you Weds. And "engage your brain" is exactly how I feel about people and their statements! Do you think we'll start feeling excited at some point in this pregnancy? I'm beginning to wonder.

hopinghopefullyagain · 01/03/2016 06:30

Honestly? I think we will have periods of excitement mixed with periods of worry throughout. At the moment, I get excited after a scan when things have gone well and then more and more worried the closer we get to the next one

KittyandTeal · 01/03/2016 07:30

I'm not sure about the excitement. I'm starting to think I probably won't with this pregnancy. I think, for me, it is a case of just gradually starting to feel a bit more positive as time goes on.

KittyandTeal · 02/03/2016 09:30

How's everyone doing today?

I've had a little hormonal cry today, couldn't bring myself to put my due date on the calendar!

FoggyBlue · 02/03/2016 17:04

Awww. That's tough.

Our daughter was born a year ago yesterday. I thought it wouldn't be a (more or less than other days) sad day-we miss her every day regardless. But once we got some messages we were both very sad, had a little cry.

I'm hoping to start feeling more positive about this pregnancy because I don't want to do this baby a disservice or feel like I'm not bonding with him/her because I'm being anxious instead.

Hoping, I hope everything went well today.

KittyandTeal · 02/03/2016 17:37

Oh foggy, that's really tough. The year anniversary is really hard. I didn't/couldn't engage with this pregnancy at all until after dd2s anniversary.

I had another cry today as my combined screen results arrived in the post. I knew the numbers already, it all said negative, exactly what we already knew but I sat there staring at the Papp a and sobbed. It was that letter and those hormones that made me start believing there was something in my feeling that something was wrong with dd2. Even though the results are way better and totally normal for this little boy it brought back some really tough memories that caught me a bit unexpected.

hopinghopefullyagain · 02/03/2016 19:35

It's the unexpected occasions and memories that catch you out I think. For us, dds due date was tough but I was expecting it so it was ok. New years eve a few days later was terrible and I really hadn't been expecting it. Today's scan report was tough - everything was fine but a report that says normal and centiles in the middle was a bit upsetting. We spent so long analysing them last time.
So, so far so normal with this pregnancy. All looks as it should. Blood was taken for the combined screening today so now we wait! Again!

KittyandTeal · 02/03/2016 20:13

That's great news about the scan. I know what you mean though, even good news in tinged with sadness and that thought of 'why wasn't it good news last time?'

I also spent hours analysing hormone levels and scan graphs and reports. Feels strange just putting my notes away and not looking at them again until the next appointment.

Did they say how long until your screening results? They returned mine in 24 hours because of my history.

hopinghopefullyagain · 02/03/2016 20:45

We should get them in the post within 2 weeks but fetal medicine get them first and will phone if there is a problem. So I'm figuring if we haven't heard in a week to ten days it must be ok. It does feel strange not to analyse every result over and over and not to research everything that they say. The consultant also had checked out nipt and dds dna wouldn't be detected so we are going to decide whether to have that after we get the combined screening results.

KittyandTeal · 02/03/2016 20:50

The wait is tough, I really hope the results come in quickly.

They didn't seem to have a problem with dd2s dna for my nipty but then I wonder if that is because he is a boy (as in it would be easier to distinguish between an xx with T18 and a clear xy iyswim)

I don't know where in the country you are but if you do decide the fmc were fantastic. We got our results in a week.

hopinghopefullyagain · 03/03/2016 06:18

The consultant said she had checked with nipt and dna wouldn't be a problem. Think she was just being over cautious. It can be done privately in the fetal medical dept at our hospital which will make life much easier if we do decide to get it done. We are quite a bit north of you, in the Midlands. Still so relieved that all was well yesterday but today begins the creeping anxiety of the results

KittyandTeal · 03/03/2016 17:27

That's really good that you can get it done at the hospital.

I know what you mean about anxieties. It's almost as soon as you get a good result you're on to what will go wrong next

OwlinaTree · 03/03/2016 20:39

foggy, hope you are OK, the anniversary is always tough. Full of what might have been.

Glad all the year results are coming back clear. I had the midwife on Tuesday and heard the baby's heartbeat, but already starting to worry again. I've been a bit under the weather these last couple of days, had to go straight to bed on wed after work, and even dh was saying do you think the baby is OK? I'm sure everything is OK but I still can't help the worry.

hopinghopefullyagain · 03/03/2016 20:54

I sometimes wonder what I will worry about when I'm not pregnant. Hopefully the baby obviously but what I mean is that worrying seems to be a full time job at the moment.

figsandalmonds · 04/03/2016 15:13

Hello... I'm sorry I've not been around to offer support. I come to the thread to post and I get overwhelmed so I don't write...

I am glad to hear your scans and tests seem to be good news though, it's reassuring.

I'm currently 9+weeks pregnant. We went to the genetics heart team a few weeks ago and they offered us tests. Think I might have posted about this before. Options are CVS at 11/12 weeks and amnio at 16weeks. While amnios have a slightly lower risk of miscarriage, if the tests are not good news (ie that the foetus carries the same defective gene my daughter did) I would want a termination (I really hope it's not upsetting to anyone that I write this), which would be by delivery at 18/20 weeks. I don't think I could handle that when there is the earlier test option (if needed termination would be surgical following CVS). My husband doesn't really feel the same about things (wouldn't want an abortion) but he will support whatever I want 100%.

Chances of anything bad happening are very low, less than 1/100...

But I still feel so depressed. I feel so low, I have no energy, I can't work (PhD is all self motivation), can't connect with friends, I don't like going out, there is so little pleasure in anything I do anymore. I miss my daughter so much. I miss the life we used to have, when it was the 3 of us. We'll soon have been without her longer than we were with her.

Lots of people told me that the second year after loosing a child is worse than the first, I didn't think that was possible. But here I am, feeling worse. Or maybe it's just different. Or maybe it's the hormones? Or the exhaustion + nausea of pregnancy.

Sorry for the moan, particularly as I offer you so little support. I'm sorry I'm just so empty of any energy I find everything a struggle...

KittyandTeal · 04/03/2016 17:31

Oh figs. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. It's such a worrying and stressful time waiting for tests and results.

Please don't feel you can't talk about the options you would choose here. We have all lost babies in different ways and would make different decisions (hopefully and I made different decisions with very similar diagnosis)

Have the doctors given you a risk level for your baby inheriting the heart defect?

I do think the first trimester hormones don't help the low feeling. I'm coming out the other side and having a bit more energy which I've found has helped a bit with me mood.

Keep talking to us lovely.

Hopefully I know what you mean. The day to day worries of a newborn and child seem bliss compared to this worry and stress. I just hope I don't get too risk averse with him. I really suffered with anxiety around dd1 after we lost dd2. I fully expect to feel the same with ds!

hopinghopefullyagain · 04/03/2016 19:57

Figs you are in an incredibly tough situation and your worries, fears and low mood are all an expected part of that situation. Rubbish and horrible but none the less to be expected. Please don't feel that you can't share your thoughts and choices with us, I absolutely believe that the 'right ' decision is the one that is right for the people making it.
Hormones, exhaustion and nausea definitely don't help.
I believe it's possible to ask for miscarriage rates after amnio for specific hospitals. If this were possible for cvs - and I don't know if it is - would it help?

KittyandTeal · 05/03/2016 18:29

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me as I have family around for DM birthday but I just wanted to say I'll be thinking of you all on what is a weird day after baby loss and being pregnant. I've blocked Mother's Day in my head and am half hoping DH hasn't arranged anything!

Hope you are all ok 💐

hopinghopefullyagain · 05/03/2016 21:21

Thanks Kitty, will be thinking of you too. It's certainly going to be a strange day and I definitely hadn't expected to be as upset about it as I have been tonight. Wierd. We should have had birthday and mothers day plans with various family but people are ill so it looks like being a bit flat which isn't helping. Ah well.
Figs how are you doing?

KittyandTeal · 07/03/2016 15:00

I'm sorry to share this on here but I thought you all would need to know why I'm disappearing.

I had a routine antenatal clinic today and he offered me a very quick scan at the end. He couldn't find a heartbeat and it turns out our little boy died the day after our last scan.

It's a massive shock to us obviously.

I will come back when I'm feeling stronger to see how everyone is getting on.

Best of luck to everyone with your beautiful rainbows 💐

hopinghopefullyagain · 07/03/2016 18:44

Am I allowed to swear on here? There are no words. I'm so so sorry.

FoggyBlue · 07/03/2016 18:51

I just saw your other thread Kitty, I'm devasted for you and your family. It's unbelievably shit and unfair and just so sad. I am keeping you all in my thoughts x

KittyandTeal · 07/03/2016 18:55

Yeah shit and unfair are pretty much the words to describe it.

I was feeling so positive too.