The rainbow cave - where we can remember our angels and pray for our rainbow.

[3littlebadgers]

Hello ladies, the other thread was full, so welcome to the rainbow cave. A place where we can hide away together as we remember our beautiful angel babies, and pray for our tiny rainbows.

Introducing myself and my babies for anyone new,

Name: 3littlebadgers
Angel: DD2, Azra stillborn at 40+5 March 2015
Rainbow: badger boy currently 36+1
Other DCs: ds1, ds2, dd1

Welcome foggy, I'm glad you came over to join us.

I'm also 12 and a half weeks. We lost dd2 at 22 weeks last Jan after a T18 diagnosis and a tfmr. 2015 was the same for us, a year of grieving.

Is your sickness starting to ease a bit now? Great news that the scan was all good, do you have additional care in place or not?

Hi foggy and welcome. My story is that I'm 10 and a half weeks pregnant with our second child. Our first dd was stillborn in November. Abnormalities were detected at the 20 week scan and she was diagnosed with patau syndrome. We chose to carry on with the pregnancy and she was stillborn at 32 weeks. It was definitely the right decision for us but I know that lots of people make different choices that are right for them.
In this pregnancy, scans are a huge stress. Our 12 week scan is next week and I alternate between dreading it because I can't cope with bad news and looking forward to getting some peace of mind. So ... that's me. It sounds like your scan has given you the peace of mind to start to think about this pregnancy. I've spent a lot of time feeling sick too - travel bands are my friend!

Hi hoping. Yes, I completely agree with you about the scans. I find them very stressful. We had weekly scans with my last pregnancy to see whether our little girl's heart had stopped beating. The only saving grace for me at the moment is that our baby's cystic hygroma was very visible on all scans and there's definitely no extra fluid currently with this baby. That's all I can cling to!! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you next week.

Hi Kitty, sickness has eased now thankfully! Yes i am high risk at the moment so we'll have another scan at 16 weeks and another at 20. The chance of there being a chromosomal abnormality is very slim, Turners syndrome is completely random but there's still a chance and it is scary.

I haven't slept all week, I don't know if it's normal pregnancy insomnia or just trying to process having our 3 month scan almost a year after losing our daughter. Exhausted!!!

It seems we all have a bit of scan phobia then :)

I'm not sleeping well either, last night was the first decent sleep in ages but I've got a splitting headache atm, think it's the come down!

The screening mw called with our results from the combined test yesterday, super quick which is amazing. I've come back as low risk as is possible for T13 and T18 and pretty much as low as I was going to get with my age (34) for T21 so I'm feeling a bit better again.

It's a bloody exhausting process. I'm almost looking forward to only having monthly scan now! They're doing regular growth scans all the way through partly for reassurance and partly because dd1 was pretty big, I'm pretty small and she got stuck during labour so they want to avoid that happening.

That's brilliant news kitty I'm so glad. We're the results reported as screen positive?
Today I found out that a very close relative is pregnant. I'm delighted but do not think I could deal with them having a baby I'd something went wrong in our pregnancy. And totally irrationally, am a bit put out that a few weeks after we, hopefully, finally get to bring our baby home, another one will come along. I know that's ridiculous and I probably won't feel like that at the time but tonight it does. Ah well, rational is over rated anyway!

That's not ridiculous at all. I understand that this is so huge for you you don't want anything overshadowing it. I think I'd feel the same tbh.

Apparently the screening process has changed since sept (why they now report T13 and T18) and the screening mw that called me was telling me about the old system. I spoke to the other MW today (who I know really well, we had lots of contact through the screening and birth or dd2) who said its no longer reported as screen positive as there's not enough scientific evidence to base it on so its just a regular reporting letter, thank god! So we're getting it in the post for my notes. Feel much happier about it now as that was making me irrationally angry!

Well I now feel irrationally angry that you had all that unecessary worry and stress for nothing! I think I should go to sleep!

Nothing quite like a bit of pregnant rage!

Morning all, just been catching up with the thread. Glad tests and scans are going well, it's such a worrying time. We have had 12 week scan and screening letter just said less than 10000 but didn't specify what tri for so I'm guessing our area is still just doing downs screening.

Welcome foggy, sorry you've been feeling so sick, glad the scan looked good. I lost my daughter in 2012 due to a complicated birth where she was starved of oxygen. My son was born in 2014 and I'm now 15 weeks pg with number 3.

People at my work know now, it is getting pretty obvious anyway. They have all been really supportive. I work in a school so will have to tell the parents soon although I'm sure it will get out there, I think it's pretty noticeable. That bit will be harder as I'm not sure how well parents will know the history, obviously some know really well but others won't. It somehow is a lot easier when people know and you don't have to explain things.

hoping I understand the irrational feelings regarding the relative who is expecting. Us angel mums are programmed to think of the worst case scenario, which is what your brain has instantly gone to. Since I had my rainbow, 2 of my sisters and one sil have had babies, I would have found that very difficult if I'd not had my son by then.

I just keep getting though by thinking all will be well, there's no reason to worry, one day at a time. But until I'm holding this little one it will be very hard to just relax and enjoy. Got my first consultant appointment in a couple of weeks, so hopefully that will help a bit.

What a long post. Hope everyone had a relaxing weekend.

Those are great results owlina.

I also work in a school and will have to start telling parents and kids soon. We're a small school and most of the pate to know my history as it was only last year and I had a substantial amount of time off. However, I teach reception so although I know some parents know, lots won't so I'm expecting the 'oh your second' conversations which might be a bit awkward.

Morning all, glad to see it's not just me awake at the crack of dawn on a Saturday 😕 Owlina those results are great, another piece of good news and another step closer. I think we will start to tell people if all goes well with the scan on Wednesday. I'm pretty certain my colleagues will know anyway, it's pretty obvious and my eating every 5 minutes won't help! I'm another one working in a school, all the parents will know my history because it was so recent and have been very supportive. I know some children were naturally upset when they found out our baby had died and I have got a slight fear that some parents will be angry that I'm running the risk of upsetting their child again. Do I get the prize for the most ridiculous thought of the day?

Nope, ice thought that as well. In fact I wanted to be as open as I could when I returned but it had turned out that one teacher I cover for had brushed it all under the carpet, telling the kids I was fine but just a bit ill. They were extra shocked when my head sent a letter out (at my request) explaining what gd happened.

I did love a little girl who on my first day back said to me 'I know why you were away, it's because the baby in your tummy died, my mummy read it on the Internet (as in parent mail)' I literally could have kissed her (she was 4) as it was so lovely and blunt! I just replied 'yes and I was and still am very sad' one of the boys said 'yep' then that was that! Sometimes kids are the easy ones.

I did cry a bit on the playground when one of the parents I know well (I was teaching number 3 at that point, now teaching number 4!) who said 'I cannot imagine what you are goi g through but you are always in my thoughts' she's a shy and very anxious mum who needs to build up a lot of courage to speak to teachers (if that makes sense) so it really moved me.

I have her this year too so I'm stealing myself for another teary reaction!

Kids are brilliant, they just say it as it is. I had one confused child ask why my baby had died and one even more confused tell me that Mrs X has had her baby. As if to say - so why haven't you had yours? It's going to be interesting. If there is anything to tell them after Wednesday. All will be well.

I remember when I went in to work after losing my daughter. The children were really pleased to see me (year 1), and were all asking me questions 'were you sad when your baby died?' 'Did you cry?' Then telling me their news. Somehow I could deal with their straight forwardness more easily. 2 parents at the school had also recently had still births (then gone on to have successful pg), both have been so kind and supportive over the years.

It's so hard in a school, somehow you feel that an entire community knows your very private and personal business. I try and focus on the support people offer, but it is tough all the same.

You're right, Owlina, it can be a bit intense. One parent asked me on my first day back how I felt about trying again! !!! I just laughed and I'm really not sure that she understood that she had crossed the line. But mostly the parents have been brilliant.

Yeah it's a bit full on and I know that out of ear shot there was lots of people getting off on the drama of it (we have a fairly high proportion of dysfunctional parents at my school)

However, most have been really supportive.

Much better than my, now, job share who after asking where I was a month after loosing dd2 turned up to the park I'd told her I was at, then insisted on coming back with me and having lunch and then, while dd1 was napping, started telling me how I'm lucky to work part time and 'basically she wanted my life' especially as I was getting lots of lovely attention from people at school She has virtually no people skills and I know she didn't mean that she wanted to have lost a child but she was basically a bit miffed that so many people were being so supportive of me.

We are no longer friends after that comment, I just couldn't bring myself to not be angry.

Anyway. I have my last fmc scan tmrw. We get our full results and they'll look in detail at as much as possible, plus we find out the sex. I'm much more nervous than I thought I'd be as I know we are low risk. I keep thinking about all the other things they could find, or maybe it has died since our last scan on weds. Ridiculous and highly unlikely. Stupid brain. I wish I could turn it off sometimes 😄

Yes kitty there's always a few who love the drama!

Hope the scan is good tomorrow, will be thinking of you.

There are some loons in the world aren't there? Good luck tomorrow, will be thinking of you

Thanks

Scan went really well. No anomolies atm, a negative trisomy screen and we found out it's a baby boy.

The relief is huge atm and I've got 4 weeks until the next scan so hopefully I can relax a little bit now.

How's everyone doing today?

Aw Kitty, that's lovely news!

I was feeling a bit sick again at the weekend, but hopefully that was just a blip! Lots of people know now we're expecting again and everyone is very happy and excited for us. I'm still a little reserved and couldn't get over my Bil asking whether we are hoping for a boy or a girl. I relate to the irrational anger spoken about up thread on that one!!!!

I also found/find 'normal' pregnancy questions a bit strange. I kind of see those things as being so far from relevant.

Someone asked me early on if I wanted a boy or a girl, without even thinking I just said 'I don't care, I just want a live one this time'

I think the sickness comes and goes depending on hormone surges maybe. My gyne consultant told me weeks 7,9 and 11 could be painful for my endo as you get a kind of surge of progesterone. I was wondering if that's also linked to feeling sick more?

Good news kitty I'm so glad. Foggy, I think some people are just stupid at times. I know that's a terrible thing to say but seriously. .... just engage your brain a bit first! I an trying to stay calm and breathe about Wednesdays scan. I'm worried but do have a gut feeling it will be ok in the end. Dh thinks that they will find something, not necessarily trisomy but something. Never before have I hoped so much that he is wrong. Just got to keep steady, all will be well. Off to do a y6 maths practise test before I do it with the children in the morning. They are enough to distract anyone!

But before I go .... I wondered whether there was a way to stop this thread showing up in active and if so what you thought about it. I'd hate to think that someone who didn't understand could stumble across the ramblings of head when looking for a bit of mindless entertainment