With regards to visitors for me personally I really learnt my limits with dd. We were really relaxed so didn't lay down any ground rules before she was born, with dh's family this was a massive mistake.
With hindsight what I really needed was peace and quiet while I established breast feeding and let everything settle down physically after c-section. I needed to be able to sleep with dd in the bedroom next to me when I was tired, cuddle up with her and learn the signs that she needed a feed/her feeding patern. Not sit on the sofa being poked and proded as I breast fed, have someone else rock my baby for hours on end at every wimper while I watched the clock to make sure she got fed reguarly and think about just wanting to go to sleep. Dh needed to be supported, not critisied for his hosting skills and have to remake cups of tea until it was 'perfect'.
My parents were a fantastic support, they cared for me and dh, not getting a cuddle with the baby. They poped in and out with washing, drying, shopping, meals ready for us to heat up and really respected our privacy. It really was just putting things in the utlitie room or kitchen and would only put their head around the door if we were obviously up and about downstairs or called out to them. If they wanted to actually see us they text and waited for a responce. They never out stayed their welcome and were moving on well before we'd be wanting them gone. We could and did call them at all hours and mum was happy to sleep on the sofa when we had our first bad night. Very lucky to have them across the road now, although they were close before. But if they weren't and needed to stay, they'd probably choose a hotel, we would want them around in the early days becuase we know they'd be sensitive.
Part of the planning of the age gap between dd and bump was down to knowing my mum would be around to help. If it had been left to next year or later there would have been a good chance of her being too busy with training comitments to help in the way she did or off on a remote group of islands on the otherside of the world. The same with my dad, if we'd waited and dates had fallen wrong the next couple of years involve him traveling widely for work. He, dh and my mum are the people I feel comfortable helping with my physical care when I need it. He was recovering from a massive op when dd was born, after a month in hospital he knew you just wanted people to go away after so long when you're exhausted and in pain. That sort of respect for your feelings is hard to turn down.
We did have a lot of friends in and out in the first couple of weeks and it was lovely. But it really was in and out visits from the sort of people who text to ask before hand, text closer to check it was a good time and would make us all tea, have a peak at baby and leave. The sort of people who wouldn't hold it against you if you'd just needed to sleep and were happy to pop a card through the door instead. Or you'd invite in to say hello when you saw them putting a card through the letter box.
Ils on the other hand were an entirely different kettle of fish. They aren't too far away, while mil would love to stay there really isn't the need. It's about 10 mins car jouney but while they need to use public transport which is closer to 55 mins using town routes. Vists have to be planned around bus times not what suits new parents or little babies routines and be long enough to make it 'worth' the effort of them getting on the bus so several hours. When things don't go their way mil and gmil are known for failing to get ready so they miss the bus home! They have relitives that are very willing to drive them to facilicate short visits and plenty to do in the locality that means they could pop in and out a few times over the day and not 'waste' bus fare. But none of these options suit! Visits are all about holding the baby and what they get out of it, not seeing us, helping out, it's about what they want and how they can get it.
Now I'm listening for it the differences in language is clear. When my parents have talked about booking time off work it's been about me, dd and dh, bump hardly gets a mention. My mum has arranged time of work around dd's favourate groups for a few weeks either side of bump's due date. So she can take her if I want to rest in the last couple of weeks, take her once bump arrives or enable me to take her by giving us lifts and then doing whatever I am most comfortable with while there. She's happy to play with dd, chat to other grandparents, keep an eye on bump so I can focus on dd, help the organisers who she knows, sit in the car and read a book or just come back and pick us up at the end. She wants to enable us to be independent. If we don't need her support she's got plans of things she wants to do for herself like go for coffee with friends, spend time at the libary researching a local history project, or just enjoy a lazy time at home. Where as mil doesn't talk about dd, dh or me but all about bump, with 'you will let me see him' and 'you won't keep me from him'.
Wow sorry for the essay! It's an issue that's really playing on my mind. I'm definatly going to be selfish this time and do what's best for me, dd and dh. And I want my privacy, not to have dh's extended family hovering outside the door while I have stiches removed!
In other news, have feet firmly wedged in my ribs tonight!