Thanks so much for all the lovely replies, and for sharing. I'm really glad I've got you guys to talk to.
I'm feeling a lot brighter today. OH and I have taken a break in hostilities, the sun is shining and I've been on a course today (and tomorrow) which is taking my mind off things. I know this doesn't mean everything's all right, just that today has been a good day.
I'm reluctant to label myself (or anyone for that matter) and it's something I try to avoid with clients but I think maybe I have got ante natal depression. I haven't been myself. I've always been fiery and feisty but since I got pg, frankly at times I've been an absolute frigging lunatic. I've lost it a few times (always with OH!) and just been totally out of control. I struggled with my anger for years but it was something I had got on top of and was able to control. Until I got pg. Maybe there is some kind of hormonal or chemical imbalance going on that's making me so emotional and volatile.
On the other hand maybe it's all the other shit that's comes with it. I realised today talking to someone who felt the same, that I don't really like being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I want this baby as much as ever and can't wait to be a mum. I just don't like this bit in the middle (so far anyway). I miss drinking and smoking, sorry but I do. I don't like getting fat. I don't like that NONE of my clothes fit and my wardrobe for the next 5 months is going to be limited to 10 items of clothing. I didn't think I was that bothered about clothes. I only go shopping if I absolutely have to and everything I own is high street or from charity shops. I hate designer labels. But it turns out that now I can't wear even that, I'm pissed off. And yes ladies, mat clothes are fucking crap!
I'm pissed off at my hay fever and not being able to treat it properly. I'm pissed off with the back ache and dodgy hip. It annoys me that I have to be so careful all the time already, like lifting stuff and getting involved with the heavy fun work on the extension. And I imagine that all this shit can only get worse as I get more pregnant and the physical discomforts are just going to get worse. I feel awful for saying all this, like it's just not what you're supposed to say. But it's how I feel. The only good thing so far has been my hair not falling out any more. I just keep hoping I won't feel this way the whole time and once it gets bigger and I feel it moving and stuff and I know if it's Isabel or Sebastian, I'll feel more positive.
I think the pregnancy crazy has made things worse between OH and I . But I also think he's being a bit of an arsehole at the moment. You might be right Frouby, it does seem like he's stopped making an effort and just being a really typical crap bloke since I got pg. Though in fairness he's always been a bit irresponsible. In a way it's what attracted me to him. He's a lot of fun to be around, laid back, likes a drink but not too much, in touch with his child side, good with kids. But just a bit crap at getting off his arse and doing his share! So maybe it's a bit of both. Normally I'm the sensible one who keeps a lid on our arguments, usually I can use my counselling skills to help resolve conflict. But at the moment as I said, some days I am just bat shit fucking crazy. But yes, he's being an arsehole too.
Re bitch colleague, yes, that situation needs to be resolved. I have been thinking about what to say to her and definitely need to do it next time she has a go. And the work situation, the general worry around leaving my business for 6 months as well as that bitch, obviously haven't helped either. My assistant manager has agreed to do more hours and I've started training her. Just need to finish that, recruit someone else, train them and job's a good un!
Welcome to all the new additions, congratulations!
Featherbag, there is no way any employer can make a pg woman serve a night shift. If you've got in writing from occ health (which is my day job btw) that you cannot do night shifts for medical reasons, that's that really. An employer doesn't have to listen to OH but if they don't and make you do something that's unsafe or even don't like, you can leave and pretty much just write yourself a cheque for sexual discrimination and constructive dismissal. The OH report should be enough but your GP can also write you a fit note stating what you can and cannot do. Some employers set more store by GPs, some by OH. If I were you I would go see my GP asap and get the note. And I'd get another one from OH just to cover me. Covering shifts is not your problem, looking after yourself and bean is.
Bonkers, I'm planning on a water home birth. Despite advice given about not doing this, I've totally set my heart on it!
So yeah, sorry for the EPIC post. Thanks again, particularly to those who've shared their own experiences. It helps a lot. I'm going to do a few things to try and make myself feel better. Starting Monday I'm going to start meditating every day. I'm going to really make the effort to go to yoga, swimming etc. I'm going to buy a doppler (despite everything I said!), hoping that hearing the heartbeat will make it seem more real and I'll feel more connected. We'll know what flavour it in another 4 weeks then I'm going to buy some really cute outfits. I'm seeing the midwife next week, am going to talk to her. And, probably most importantly, hopefully OH and I can sort our shit out. Or not...