The Deli gets funky: Ah, PESH it good - P-PESH IT REAL GOOD!

[Scorpette]

This fred ain't for everybody - only the menkul wimminz!

BESH BAYBEES

dontrythisathome, girl born March 25.
Cheggers, twinz girlz, born April.
FannyPriceless, boy, born June 8.
CurlyCasper, girl, born June 24.
CUNextTuesday, boy, born June 29.
AlpinePony, boy, born 1 July.
Carrots, boy, born July.
IggyPiggy, girl, born July.
Cosmosis, boy, born Sept 5.
Backinthebox, boy, born Sept 7.
Skatergrrrl, girl, born Sept 10.
VAG, boy, born Oct 2.
Silversky, boy, born Nov 1.
SomethingSuitablyWitty, girl born Nov 2.
okiecokie, girl, born Nov 12.
Honeymoo, boy, born Nov 11.
ReginaMonologue, boy, born Nov 13.
Maswera, boy, born Dec 24.
PollyPoo, girl, born Jan 5.
MrsFC, boy, born Jan 7.
ChoChoSan, girl, born 6 Feb.
Ginhag, boy born 11 Feb.
Muser, girl, born 15 Feb.
CluckyKate, boy, born 18 Feb.
Perfect Dromedary, boy, born 23rd February.
Medee, girl, born 26th March.
Casserole, girl born?

UPDIFFED

Scorpette, not top of the list at all, lalala, I can't hear you!, due 18th May.
Laurielou, the unmarried hussy with the "surprise" diff, due 31 May (ish).
Rocketleaf, sprouting out all over the place, due 1st June.
TwinkleToes, supergluing her fanjo shut, due 20 June.
Orchid, hoping for a zen like child, due 1st July.
Ginfox, loving the new mega-boobs, due 12th July.
LadyGoneGaga, No, it's not fucking twins, due 24 July.
Ivegotmrbitey, appears to have eaten posh spice, due 27th July.
Macaroonmum, eating for 7, due Aug 6th.
Owlbooty, suddenly weeble-shaped, due 7th August.
Ocarina, there's a what in there?! due late August.
Mountie, too shy to shine, due Autumn.
Truffkin, growing a padawan, due 17th November.
kat2504, 25 sticks pissed on and counting, due 5th December.

Aw, you lot are so supportive and wise - I really do feel a lot better reading your thoughtful words. I guess for me, a big ishoo is that I've had health probs my whole life and had lots of bouts of v painful episodes of this and that and nasty things done to me and instead of making me tough about that stuff, has left me paranoid about how easily things can go wrong, not getting treated properly/quickly enough and generally fearful of getting ill/being in pain again. Paradoxically, I do have a high tolerance for suffering because of it (witness 6 months of daily headaches!), so is actually a bonus in that respect, so I know I will cope with the reality of labour pretty well, it's just the thought of it that freaks me out! Like all things, I do logically know that labour will be easier to cope with once it's happening than the things I scare myself silly imagining.

Well, so long as The Lad isn't over 10lbs - OUCH!

GG Those Fire & Ice ones are pretty hefty going (even though hardly intellectual), so would probably keep you occupied - I'm on book 1 at the mo (TYF has been on at me for a year to get into them). A good fiction book I always recommend is The Help by Catherine Stockett and if you want something a bit trashy but quite well-written and slightly scary, I'd recommend The Forest of Hands And Teeth by Carrie Ryan.

I have two cellular blankets bought in advance for when we move The Lad into a cot-bed, so could just crack open one of those. Good advice, esp. the pillow case cleverness, cheers y'all :)

Scorps I had exactly the same fears at you at the same stage - confessed all weeping to MrBoo, who just raised his eyebrows and said, 'Well it's a bit late now isn't it?'.

FWIW I think it's normal - natures way of getting you prepared for being a parent. Labour is daunting, yes, but there's a prize at the end. And it's ace. I am so excited for you. You will be ace.

I've got Kate Atkinson's Case Histories from WBN too if you fancy Gaga?

Sorry for repeating of ace . I am not 12, honest.

score glad you are feeling a bit better. It's a very scary time for us, I am pretty ok at the mo but waiting for it to hit. Right now I am just a bit distracted from worrying about the birth by the shitiness that is my parental situation. Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I know you and TYF are going to make fab parents, The Lad is a really lucky little boy, all the rest is just details.

Also really annoyed as left the nursery door open and the cat has sprayed the moses basket. I realise keeping him locked out of there was not a long term strategy but was hoping that at least he could have attacked something none porous like the chest of drawers. Moses basket is the last thing that needs to be impregnated with his spoor as it will be moved round the house a lot. If he does that when the baby is in it, I am not sure I can be held responsible for the consequences. Keep trying to tell myself that its not his fault but ffs he wants for NOTHING, the ungrateful swine, how DARE he act like he's traumatised.

Oh dear, sounds like puss is getting the vibe that he's not going to be the baby of the house any more, Rocky. They know exactly what would be the worst thing of all to spray, huh? And as if you need that on top of the parental worries. Sounds like you'll be giving birth as a relaxing getaway from all your troubles! And cheers for what you said about me and TYF - we have a great relationship and can't wait to be parents, so I think it'll all work out pretty ace (as Boo would say ). And it goes without saying that your lass is a lucky girl too :)

I think all our kids are/will be v lucky. Oh god, my mood has swung to nauseatingly sentimental now (but what I say is still true)!

To be fair to him he managed to do it so none of it went on the freshly cleaned carpet as the moses basket was on top of an underbed storage thing that caught all the mess. I am pretty sure this was not deliberate tho.
Hoping he's just putting a bit of his smell in there because the carpet is clean and all the furniture new to the house and that will be the last of it.

I have been having some really odd baby dreams, birth goes absolutely fine but I think i am having breast feeding anxiety. The other night I couldn't feed and then Sprout turned into a peg dolly and than last night i have 6 (yes SIX) babies who were all tiny and could fit in my palm and my nipples had shrunk to the size of 5 pences. Was trying to feed them all on rotation 2 at a time. Fun times!

Rocket, I dreamed that it was the 1980s and I was a young BBC intern and Jonathan Ross kept sexually harassing me and then I became a model and had to save an old man from a sunken barge, all whilst wearing a dressing gown and flouro leg warmers. I hate to think if that reflects any birth anxiety!

BTW, am glad I have a political ally today

Despite the crazy dreams, I've had hardly any sleep because the CUNT downstairs started doing DIY at the crack of dawn. Fun times. And what thoughtful timing

Sounds like one of me pre pregnancy dreams score Mine have been fairly easy to interpret since getting diffed, prior to that they were MUCH weirder.

Hope you managed a nap.

rocket you could try Feliway plug ins to calm down your errant puss. They release happy cat smells or something. I know people who swear by it.

Thanks muse we already tried it when the work was being done in the house, it didn't really work (he still sprayed a few times) although who knows how bad he would have been if we hadn't been using it and I suppose this episode might be because it has run out The vet recommended a supplement to put in his food for when the baby comes so will try that and I think I'll order another plug in.

Hey, where is Owlie - she's not been around for ages? Hope she's ok.

Toddler away today. As is MrG (gone up a mountain). Going to sleep the whole night through if bladder allows. Amused by the freaky dreams.

Morning laydees! Just popping in to keep an eye on Sprocket Lozzer and Score.

I killed the fred. Ooh, maybe there is a-laying going on... or maybe you just all have lives.

Maybe Score is laying! I'll have her brownies in that case.

No, fingers v swollen n carpal tunnelly today, so not much typing for me. Sorry to disappoint Perhaps I messed them up slagging off the RW online yesterday, ha!

PS Get your thieving bastard paws off MY brownies, caaah! If I could form fists, you'd be in big trouble...

Sorry to hear about the hurty hands Scorps. You do seem to have had just about every preggo related health ishooe going, you poor love. About time you laid and then hopefully you will become healthy! Can't wait to see what The Lad looks like. Wonder if he'll have your hair?

Thanks, Poo - I'm so greedy that just one preggo crapness ain't enough for me

I have schizo hair - apparently it was ginger for the first month of my life (I have never seen any pics of this, as my folks didn't get a colour camera until I was nearly 1) and then it fell out and I had white blond curls until I was 3, then it went average-blonde for a bit, then I had sandy hair until I was @20. Then it fell out due to illness at 22 and grew back much darker and less curly, so god only knows what The Lad will have if he inherits my hair genes! TYF has lovely hair - golden dark blonde/light brown, which has been the same since infancy, so I kinda hope he inherits that. My Mum is convinced he'll be a ginner like my Gran (Dad's Mum).

Mmm, exciting hair chat from me there! Is about all I'm fit for in these last weeks

PS I also hope The Lad gets TYF's nose and ears - I have the small female version of my Dad's massive conk which, as a male, might be big on The Lad and had my sticky-out ears pinned back aged 15 (I still get a nervous twitch if I ever hear the word 'Noddy').

Low self-esteem on toast, anyone?

Score you are gorge so shaaaat it! Not too much longer and baybee will be out and you'll be all back to normal strength.

Although I have similarly been staring at myself naked with loathing in the Mothercare changing room. I don't mind the bump (although it is massive). What I do mind are the massive thighs and back fat which seems to have attached itself to me. Oh and the attractive wide face I get! And I'm eating more than ever. Sorry for the me, me, me. Slightly wobbly about having to wear a bikini in public on hols next week.

And pissed off that Halford's have sold my sons bike before I had chance to pick it up. Cunts!!! Now I have to traipse to Oxford to get the fecker.

Hello ladies! Has been quite quiet in here, hasn't it?

Well, no laying here, but no panics either. And that is worrying me. FFS, I'm due to have a baby this month, & still haven't bought a single item of bedding or anything I have bought, washed. I'm so firmly in denial I'm giving Vag a run for her money. Mr Loz however has gone into full meltdown & is now setting up a spreadsheet of various routes to the hospital for various times of the day. Bless him.

I am however getting a bit fed up. Sleeping OK, but in bursts of 2 hour blocks. Every 2 hours I either need a wee or to turn over, which now requires mighty effort. Last night didn't help that the twat next door came home at 3.30am & his mate thought it would be oh so funny to beep the car horn for ages. I'm ashamed to say I hung out of the window in all my pregnant / tired/ wild haired glory & swore like a fish-wife. Meh.

Score I hope that you're feeling better again today. Nearly there my love, nearly there. Just keep eyes on the prize. I did have a mini panic last night also about having no clue what a baby needs / wants, & feeling desperately sorry for Bug as Mr Loz & I are completely clueless. But then it passed. I'm hoping its all normal.........

Anyway, I'm off for a nice big cooked lunch a la mum. She's not bad, is she?

Thanks, GG - went for Sunday Lunch at the 'rentals today and when looking at my Mum, realised I have her nose and she is bootiful so why I am getting fixated on nose shapes, I do not know. The lunacy of the final furlong!

BTW, I haven't had the body to wear a bikini since I was in my early 20s (disclaimer: this is possibly 99% due to menkulness, not reflection on actual figure), so you're doing well in my eyes. Still, it's how you feel, innit? Bet you'll be gorg And GRRR to Halfords. Inconsiderate gits.

Loz, I don't blame you at all for giving that arshole some shit. Would be infuriating if you weren't full with child and not sleeping well. Do you need a water bed to go with that De Nile?

I can't believe that this is the month I haz my baybee either! Even if go overdue, I'll be induced by the 30th. Keep flipping between zen acceptance, excitedly wanting it to happen and shitting my pants (nearly literally - you all know of my months of diarrhoea woe ). Bump is v tight, The Lad feels out of room and he is really low down - my pelvis feels reet odd (though not painful) so I don't think we'll get to the dd.

Managed not to murder my Dad this avo when he was bonding with TYF by talking about how your partner giving birth is really scary and hard for men

Talking of Pops, he gave us the most hilarious moment of the week this lunchtime: whilst at the table - which was my folks, me and TYF, my Aunt and 91 yr old Gran, my Dad said he'd hear a phrase on TV and didn't know what it meant, so did I know what it was. It was, he said, 'muffin driver'. I managed to keep a straight face and pretend I didn't know what he actually meant, whilst TYF tried not to choke on a Jersey Royal, masterfully covering up the giggles Am just grateful Dad didn't go and Google it then announce to us all what the correct term meant, which is the sort of thing he'd do.

at muffin driver, have no idea what that means either!

Anyway, scorpling you have a beautiful nose, I have nose envy of it and the lad will be vay lucky to inherit it.

loz hope you dropped some f bombs on the inconsiderate wankers?

My street had a royal wedding street party on Friday, was actually a lot of fun but I will go anywhere for a hog roast! the FDH had a fright when came home from the shops to find our hedge festooned with union flags and thought the house had been taken over by the BNP! The festivities were still going at 2am when I remembered one of the advantages of not drinking is being able to drive so decamped to my parents for a quieter night only to find that my dad had -drunk- -too- -much- eaten something dodgy and spent the night vomitting ala the excorcist. My plan to befriend the mothers of small babies in the street did not work out too well, they just weren't that friendly and I found myself feeling quite shy without some gin in my system. Ah well, perhaps I will braver when himself is here.

I have forgotten everything else I just read must try harder!

He meant muff diver, Bitey - it did take him saying 'I think it's something rude' to get it myself

Boo to unfriendly mums - am sure you will meet some kindred spirits once His Nibs is here to charm the pants off all and sundry! Your poor Dad - has your Mum had pursed lips ever since, heheh?

Mmmmm, hog roast

Oh! No wonder you got the giggles! My brain is just not functioning properly! My mum slept through most of his shennanigans having sunk two bottles of champagne and a bottle of red- gotta love the drunken parents, they are proof that my partying days are nowhere near over.

I think I got off to a bad start with the mums when they asked what I thought of the dress and I replied that I hadn't watched the wedding as I don't believe in it, bit hypocritical at a street party?

Disappointed there is no laying yet. Mind you, given that Lozzer hasn't even bought a nappy yet, prolly just as well in her case. I am impressed at your de nile loz!

Here are a few titbits of life with a 3 year old for you first timers... some things for you to look forward to.... Today I spent two and half hours in the car with Boo and she sang her own made-up songs. The whole time. My personal favourite was entitled 'Oh yeah' and it lasted for around 20 mins. Its lyrics were 'oh yeah' repeated over and over and over again. TG asked what the tune was to which I replied 'There wasn't one'. I wanted to stove my own head in with a brick.

Also today we were in Sainsburys and we both needed the loo, so off we went. Locked ourselves in cubicle, she goes first and then it is my turn. She is chatting away about the royal wedding (she liked the dress and the crown best) and why we will never be invited to Buck Palace for tea whilst I do an unexpected and stinky poo. She stops telling me that she is not friends with the Queen to announce loudly 'What is that smell mummy?'.

Me: 'Er... I can't smell anything'.

Her: 'Are you doing a poo mummy?'.
Me: 'No' (I do not want to announce to the other customers that I am taking a shit)
Her: 'Are you doing a wee?'
Me: 'Yes'.
Her: 'Can I have a look?'
Me: 'No!' (I can hear sniggering from the cubicle next door by this point)
Me: (distraction technique) 'Shall I take you to london in the summer and we can visit Buck Palace and the natural history museum?'
Her: 'Mummy it smells really bad in here. Are you sure you are not pooing?'
Me: 'We could go on the london eye and look out over all of London town, wouldn't that be exciting?'

Her: 'Is someone else doing a poo?'
Me: 'Shhh' (laughing)
Her: 'Don't tell me to shush mummy, its rude'.
By the time we are finished and washing our hands at the sink another mum and daughter appear from the cubicles next to us, sniggering. The mum said 'Oh I remember that stage very well, don't you just love 'em!'

And just to finish off... the other day she came and sat next to me on the sofa and did a very loud trump. She sniggered. I exclaimed 'Boo, was that your bottom?' 'No' she says 'It was my minky'. I snorted coffee out of my nose.

I like your style, Bitey - 'nah, those inbred toffs can go fuck 'emselves, I'm just here for the free pork!'.

Don't worry, it's exactly the sort of reply I'd have given too. You may have scared them off by having too much personality and independent thought; 'tis the curse of the ESH I think the only way forward is a huge ESH commune...

Give 'em another try, though - they were probably tipsy and frazzled :)