It was their first baby. We are closer to her husband, to be honest, than her - only got to know her after they got married last year. But I do like her a lot although I think she finds me a bit intimidating. My DH was in tears earlier when he phoned me with the news. When we heard 'Joe' (not his real name) and his wife were going through this, DH has been texting them and calling to send support and messages. I'm pretty sure they must be a bit surprised by the extent of his concern because they haven't a clue what we've gone through or what their experience would trigger in us. I doubt any of our other friends would appreciate how serious their predicament is the way we have.
Earlier this year DH said to me he couldn't believe the way 'Joe' was going on about the baby. Buying stuff, preparing the nursery etc, talking about it. For us, after our experiences, that's just something we can't do and my DH was in a 'oh my God, if the worst happens to them, they are going to be side-swipped' frame of mind. And now its happened.
DH is preoccupied now with how totally devastated Joe and his wife must be because it seems, from their joy and planing and openness, that this was the last thing they were expecting (whereas, as you guys know me by now, its something I almost think WILL happen to us because crap things seem to always happen). I remember my shock and devastation after my first MC and think it must be multiplied by a trillion for them.
I know what you mean boba about not wanting people to pussyfoot around you. We didn't tell a soul about our MCs - including Joe etc - preceisely because we wanted to avoid pity and unhelpful comments. I have a mental list of things I would say to support a friend if they ever have Mcs in my mind (because I am determioned to be a different kind of friend in those circumstances), but nothing I would say there prepares me for this.
I genuinely don't know how to address this. I've told my DH Joe needs to hear our news before anyone else does; he needs to be told what we've gone through; he needs to be told we know that our news will make him feel like shit and that we want him to understand we know exactly why and understand it. And he needs to be told this face to face. I think two years of hell will pour out of my DH and he'll be the one sobbing when he tells Joe this. I don't think we can risk our news reaching them via other sources - I want them to know upfront that they don't have to pretend to be happy for us or feign interest in our pregnancy, and that we know not to take it personally.
To be honest, I still don't know if the above is the right thing to do or if it could make things worse. Maybe like us they'd just rather be left alone. It really upsets me that we will always be a reminder of their grief - I know it would be that way for me if I were in their shoes. I'm rambling - just can't stop thinking about it.