Feb 2011 - The turkeys are getting fat...so are we!!!

[WanderingSheep]

Re Pants - I highly recommend going to Primark and buying a few cheap pairs of huge "Granny Pants" and just binning them afterwards! I did try the disposible ones from Boots but found they were not very good at keeping a pad in place and not very comfy. If ever there was a time for comfy pants - this is it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

got some gorgeous size 20 belly warmer knicks from primani,great as dont irritate the c section scar and hold your "duvets" up nice and firmly-no hammocks. I found with the c section they must suck it all out cos didnt bleed that badly and was(naughtily)using tampons after a week.
Baby shower was really nice.We raised 70 pounds for my nieces bike.Had a nice lunch and generally had a get together.I ha lots of nice pressies.Next have some nice colourfull small baby gros.I am getting some for hospital as most of my new born stuff is 2nd hand and i feel i should have some new for then.
Hate to bring it up again but advice please if poss.
My friend has just told me that mil was talking to her at the shower and said they will be coming down every weekend when baby is here and also the weekend its born along with sil.I am trying to remain calm but heeeeeeelp. Dh works most weekends so dont want to be coping with 2 kids and entertaining or paying for 2 extra adults each weekend and certainly dont want 3 overnight guests 3 days after a section.
I do have a life/friends/family of my own. I feel really fed up as this keeps cropping up again and again and i dont want to seem a bitch or upset dh,can anyone put this into perspective for me as i feel it will just run and run if i dont start as i mean to go on.

btw i had accepted that pil will be down the weekend after shes born but surely not sil too?I have no where to put them all and it will just be too noisy and crowded for me and baby.

Ledkr I may not be the best person to talk to about it as I have never had mil problems quite like that, partly because mil knows that we don't put up with any nonsense. But the one thing I would say is that its so crucial to get dh onside. If he's going to side with her you're never going to win. If he doesn't get it you need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation. I'm of the opinion that grandparents have to earn respect, they can't just walk all over you then expect dgc whenever they like.

Ledkr I may not be the best person to talk to about it as I have never had mil problems quite like that, partly because mil knows that we don't put up with any nonsense. But the one thing I would say is that its so crucial to get dh onside. If he's going to side with her you're never going to win. If he doesn't get it you need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation. I'm of the opinion that grandparents have to earn respect, they can't just walk all over you then expect dgc whenever they like.

But zero do you think i am being unfair?I totally understand they will want to see her as much as possible which is why i am willing to have pil to stay so soon after the birth and they are really nice and will help etc but i also need time with dh and dd 1 and cannot imagine having them to stay most weekends so i cant have house to myself,have my own friends or family around,have a cosy night in or nosiy shag with dh you know what i mean? But at the same time do not want to put dh in a horrible position as he is very close to his family. He will back me up but id hate him to have to do that if it makes him feel upset.I dont want to spend my life thinking up excuses or making plans in advance and bickering with him about it.I feel so sad as this is now hanging over me and everything is so much bigger when pg isnt it?
Also can i actually afford to feed 2 extra adults for 2 days evey week when on mat leave not to mention the extra washing or the 2 showers aday they take.Arghhh i could so do without out this.

Ledkr, that is a tricky one, I guess the best thing to do would be have a chat with them directly, maybe say to them that you would love to see them all when baby is born but warn them now that you expect to be very tired and please not to expect too much from you! Also maybe tell them you are concerned about overcrowding and you don't want your DD to feel left out, but there are some great local hotels that they could stay at? I get the impression that if they are not told directly they just wont get it! Obviously be polite about it and maybe that will tell them what they need to know without them feeling pushed out.

I must say if you don't know what it is like having a newborn then you do tend to make all these mistakes, I did, so quite glad of the advice from you lot. It never occurred to me that making visitors a cup of tea would be a task, we left it a few days and called SIL to check it was ok to go round when she had her baby but it did not occur that they probably had visitors several times a day and were constantly making tea etc.

I hope this makes sense???

DH has just emailed me from work to say that apparently any bank holidays that take place while you are on mat leave are added on to leave entitlement when you return, does anyone know if this is the case? I just assumed that you would loose them?! Otherwise, I plan on taking mat leave from 3rd Jan- 1st ish of Sept, that would give me an extra 7 days off!

Yes bh are still included jack. I start a/l at end of Dec and added the xmas bh's onto it which took me up to due date. All a/l and bh's are accrued when on mat leave.
Thanks for the advice,im glad you can see its not simple.I really dont want to upset anyone but i am a person who likes her space and time with my family.There is someting i dont like about suggesting b and b when i have a spare room but i also feel bit resentfull as i have been married previously so bought my ex out of our family home so have more space than would be the norm for a newly wed couple having first child so have really made a rod for my own back as i suspect it wouldnt seem so appealing if they were on a put me up in the lounge.
Hopefully i will have the guts to discuss it when i get my section date and explain that i dont want a housefull over night and then take each weekend as it comes thereafter. I can honestly say i can think of nobody whom i would like to stay in my house every weekend even my grown up sons.

jackfrost think your DH is right, I didn't claim them on previous maternity leaves but I'm pretty sure you can. As far as I'm aware you can't lose any holidays (stat or annual leave) just because you are on maternity leave. Don't forget the extra one in April

Ledkr You are not being unfair about pils staying with you. I have great pils that I have known for almost 20 years but even I wouldn't consider it. I would be prepared to compromise in that you will try and bring baby to see them overnight once in a while but again because of your dh working hours that might be difficult. Not being nosy!! but any sign of pressie from in-laws??

I'm a big fan of visiting people with the new baby, you have no tea-making expectations, no tidying up worries and you can make excuses and go home after about 20 mins.

I already have got my old knickers organised. I use them for hospital and them just dump them when used.

Ledkr - I think that they are being a touch (a lot) insensitive. Yes they will want to see their grandchild, but I am of the opinion hat you wait until invited before making plans to stay with people! Parents or not! And every weekend sounds really full-on, I find when PIL are round (luckily they live close enough to go home to sleep) I can't properly relax, its almost like being on best behaviour? Speak to DH about it as I think he needs to be the one to let them know that you will need time alone as a family after the baby is here. Hope it goes OK, in laws can be such a minefield cause the last thing you want to do is upset anybody.

Ledkr I agree with jack frost. And I don't think you are being unreasonably, especially as it will hit the finances! You have to find a compromise like once every 3-4 weeks. Every single weekend is rediculous in anyones books.

thanks so much,i am calming a little now and will have to tackle it as it happens,i just dont want anything to spoil it all FOR ANYONE.It helps to know im not being nasty.
wiggles dont get me started.I was avoiding that to avoid stoking the fire but she asked me yesterday if"you need anything for the baby" i told her i had BOUGHT everything now.She then said i heard you saying you needed a few new babygros for the hospital shall i get those? Do you want the plain white(cheap) ones? I said no i wanted them out of next they are 11 pounds so she is getting those.Wow!!I swear if she gives me money when its born i will use it for nappies and milk.
My friend and i were just discussing the weekend visits and we thought of loads of reasons its not right-cant have own friends or family round,cant get drunk,cant have a sneaky marboro light out the back,cant swear,cant shout at the kids or dh,cant have sofa sex,cant come in at 3am and make noisy toast in kitchen,Imagine that and the prospect of never again ever laying out on your sofa with kids and dh at the weekend ever again cos your all squashed up with pils,not happening im afraid!

They have money btw.

Seriously feckin' babygros, see I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt. I honestly thought you were going to post that she had rocked up with expensive present, loads of baby girl clothes, little keepsake and maybe something nice for you , and we were going to have to talk you out of feeling guilty!!!!

My in-laws had no money at all when my dd1 was born and they bought lots of really sweet, silly, pink things, it was really nice. It wouldn't be fair on your dd1(!) to have them there most weekends - she'll need you and dh as well.

ledkr what a nightmare!

Thanks all for those bright clothes recommendations, I will not buy anything on those horrid 'baby' colours either!

Now, a question that has come up before, but i didn't know enough so didn't really clock the conversation: Nappies, pocket or pre-fold?
Pockets don't need wraps, right? but I need many more since they need to be washed as often as the filling?
If using prefold with terry squares, how many terry squares per nappy?

And about mat pads, are there any without that plastic thing they normally have? I find it incredibly irritating on the skin, and have not used pads ever for more than a few hours to try it, so really worried about coping with a whole duvet...

Esecially as dd1 isnt their natural gc and she will be adjusting too.I am a (whispers) grandma and i gave my dil 100 pounds to buy what she wished for baby,when she was about 6 months pg and bought him lots of stuff since.I feel particularly shite today as had no time to self all weekend and then dh was an arse this am sat on pc all morning then ate lunch and attempted to clean the carpets with the cleaner i had for just half a day(borrowed) and is too big for me to lug upstairs and then shouted at me he didnt have enough time as he had work and told me to "get of his case" I left the house till he went as i feared for his safety and i will be putting dd in bed with me tonight and he can have the spare room and sleep in his precious ma and pas dirty sheets!!Hasnt even rang to apologise which means he still thinks hes right grrrr.
I am so sorry for selfish posting today ladies i really do hope you are all feeing well and i have not made you feel too miserable with my rant.

Oh don't worry about moaning Ledkr - my work has gone from bad to worse.... even boring myself thinking about it Only plus note is that I only have 3 weeksish to go!!!

Personally I would go with pocket nappies, but finding it hard to articulate why. I suppose I suspect that with a newborn the wrap would get soiled more often than not, so you may as well go for the extra convenience of pocket. And you can stuff pocket nappies with a greater variety of stuff because the inner is fleece and wicks away from skin. Also the pocket nappies tend to be cuter than the prefold wraps [shallow emoticon].

I've used Natracare maternity pads before and they are fab with no plastics or synthetics. Not many brick-and-mortar shops stock them, though, so you need to plan ahead.

What is the difference between mat pads and the other thick ones?I have both and they look the same.
wiggles i dont know how you are carrying on in such a physical job and with crappy support too.You have done really well sticking it out this long,i bet you cant wait untill you finish.I think mat leave is also nice for the older dcs.I went back when dd1 was 5.5 months as ex dh decided he wanted someone else and she has been really good but now i am enjoying giving her the time she needs and not rushing her in the mornings and she has the security of me picking her up every day from school even if it is slowly and breathlessly :)

Hi ladies-no snow here yet in Kent/London, but on it's way apparently!!

ledkr I am completely with u on ur dilemma. DH had same discussion with his mum on sat about how we wanted 2 weeks to ourselves once baby is here....silence on the phone apparently! But he is quite good at not being manipulated by his mum ( unlike his sisters!). We got the whole 'but they grow so fast at that age' speech. There's 500 miles between mil
& us so not sure how she thought she wouldn't be in the way when down.....we only have a 2 bed flat! Plus his sisters all seem to think we were joking about the 2 week thing....& one of them is a mw do would think would know better. My sis isn't even coming down for the birth (although would live it if she could make it down....she just gets on with it & does housework, cooks dinner etc). Mil is lovely but feel like we need to constantly make decisions for her when she stays '( what do u want to do whilst ur down?-'eh I don't mind...whatever u guys r doing'....grrr!) & she constantly needs to make conversation & can't abide silence which annoys me & dh!

Sorry, I sound like a right bitch, but last thing j want when I get home from hosp & immediately after is constant tea making for other people & not being able to relax!! ledkr u've been through it all before so know exactly how u will feel & last thing u want to do/see in ur own home. I am lucky in that dh completely agrees with me (his friends did same thing we're planning to do), but defo get him on board!

I am quite direct anyway so have already suggested that if they don't want me to get any more direct & feel wrath if my Tongue, they will wait until we say to everyone & invite them done.

Loving the advice re mat pads....I am now armed with info to do yet more shopping!

Wriggles that's a great idea about taking the baby to visit other people rather than the other way around. I was worrying about how to ask people to leave, but that would work a treat.

A few typos in there....oops!
Should say would love it if sis could be down, wrath of my Tongue & invite them down!!

I think maternity pads are softer, but I'm not sure. Maternity pads are thicker than the thickest ones in my local (fairly small) supermarket, though.

"granny* thanks,it feels better to know im not the only one.I would be gratefull for anyone elses experience of this.The every weekend thing she can just forget as i will just invent things to do and dh is at work most of the time anyway.The just after birth thing needs to be tackled tho me thinks.I feel i am reasonable as i have said just pils can stay for one night the weekend after the section on the Monday(they can only come weekends)but i will draw the line at sil and anyone else actually staying,i cant imagine anything worse than 3 extra people all chattering and taking up the sofa and bringing their bags into the hallway etc. and i wont cook or make tea but i dont even want 3 extra people cooking in my kitchen or eating take away.Dh is going to have to take the lead i think. He can do it under the guise of "we are trying to organise visits this weekend so that not too many are here at once,what day were you planning on coming because we ar happy for you the gp to stay one night but have told everyone else(i have grown up son in army)that no sleepovers for a good few weeks"he can then bat off sil or uncle tom cobbly with that.Does that sound fair?I feel really negative about it all,have been wishing id never married into the family as it seems they want to try and take over my life. :(