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Birth announcements

Share your unique birth stories and read heartwarming stories from fellow mums. For more on your baby’s development, check out the Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

So frightened of telling parents

198 replies

needahugbug · 27/06/2016 10:38

Hi I'm looking for some advise. I know it's pathetic but I'm petrified of telling my parents about my pregnancy as they are quite old fashioned. I feel I've let them down as I'm not married and don't currently live with my partner. I know it's pathetic I just don't know what to do or how to tell them :(

OP posts:

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Redken24 · 27/06/2016 14:33

will your mum/dad not be excited?

PortiaCastis · 27/06/2016 14:35

OP I was pregnant at 18 and didn't tell my parents until my bump was showing and eventually my Mum asked me. I said yes and she was more upset that I hadn't confided in her than she was about me being pregnant. So just set yourself a day and time and tell your parents. It won't be as bad as you think.
I kept dd who is now 17.

Hellochicken · 27/06/2016 14:43

Its not weird to tell them now. You are right to be a mum, you've just got yourself into a situation!
Just say I wanted to speak to you on my own. I have great news to tell you, I'm going to have a baby/you are going to be grandparents. Tell them straight away that your partner is thrilled and you are making plans for the future.
Tell them you had been worried about their reaction so decided to tell them alone.
Explain you were worried about any impact the news might have on your mum's health so you waited to make sure all was well first. If all your appointments have gone well, tell them that.

Just tell them.

You probably do have to work a little on confronting/communicating with your parents though.

Hellochicken · 27/06/2016 14:45

I meant "situation" as in, you have left it a long time to tell them, and the thought of telling them has got worse, so you havent told them.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/06/2016 14:46

Stop thinking they will be cross and tell them. If you are happy about the baby, and know you've done nothing wrong, it's time to stop being a "little girl" and talk to them as an adult.

Maybenot321 · 27/06/2016 14:46

Would it be easier to tell your mum on her own and ask her to tell your dad?

Maybenot321 · 27/06/2016 14:49

Another who thinks it's better for you to have this conversation without your partner being there.

Original poster

needahugbug · 27/06/2016 14:53

I did think about speaking to my mum on her own and asking her to tell my dad but then I'm worried about when I next see my dad or speak to him on the phone. I've got myself in such a state over this all and its snowballed out of control. It didn't help that when my mum was in hospital after her operation a nurse said to her do you have any grandchildren and my mum said no. The nurse then said oh any on the way and my mum said no and I definitely couldn't deal with that right now. it made me feel so gutted :( but hopefully it's just because she wasn't feeling herself being in hospital etc and the fact she was down and not eating

OP posts:

Maybenot321 · 27/06/2016 15:03

I told my mum on her own, I felt "weird" telling my dad IYKWIM.
For you, it's all got complicated with your mum's illness and overhearing that conversation between the nurse and your mum has made it worse.
But you can't really move forward until you do tell your mum. The next time you see them you might be showing, (you can't assume you won't be)and imo that might be worse.

Senac32 · 27/06/2016 15:06

You're going to have to tell them some time, unless you're already estranged ( and it doesn't sound as if you are.)
I think Hellochicken's wording is good, force yourself to be positive.
It happened to us with our both our daughters, when they were about your age. Certainly a big shock, though we knew they were seeing someone and wanted to have a baby.
Maybe wait until your Mum is feeling a bit stronger.
Before contraception was available your situation was probably as common as pregnancy in marriage.

Shakirasma · 27/06/2016 15:47

You are a about to become a parent. Your baby needs you to love them, be be proud of them and to speak up for them. I suggest you start now.

Whilst you want your parents approval you don't need it, but your baby needs you to tell them it exists in order to ease the worry you're feeling. It's bad for the baby for you to be so stressed.

I will be amazed if your parents are anything other than delighted, even my religious parents were my rock when I converted them to grandparents while still living at home at 20 years old.

Want2bSupermum · 27/06/2016 16:01

I get where you are coming from. My family are very traditional. I made waves when I moved in with DH after he proposed but before we married. That was a decade ago, not 1950. I just told my dad that DH had proposed and I said yes so we were moving in together and I'll email new address. Got off the phone quick and called back 'to make sure he got the email'.

I will also say this. As a parent I'm not worried about my DC having kids early. I'm more worried about my DC getting AIDS, being raped, abused or becoming addicted to hard drugs. In the grand scheme of things that can go 'wrong' getting pregnant before marriage isn't high up there. My DC won't know that though as I really want them to be in committed relationships with their education completed before they start having DC.

Please tell your parents. It's really not such bad news.

Herschellmum · 27/06/2016 16:08

Honestly your tone will make a massive difference, go and get a congratulations card or ballon or something, and go in showing scan pictures and your excitment or take them out for a meal, say we have something to celebrate. Make it positive and show your happy or they will react to your mood.

I'm 32, married with 4 kids, when I told my mum about my 4th I was in shock (it was a surprise) and I felt like I had been a big unresponsable because here was I about to have my 4th in as many years haha (I had twins in the middle), and she totally reacted to my mood, and was a bit upset, this is my mum who lives for her grandkids, everything is about them and she loves them to bits! If I had gone in, excited she would have been thrilled, I regret letting my anxiousness ruin that for us.

Go in happy, be prepared they may ask questions about your future plans, but seem up beat. Depending how much you want them involved invite them to your next scan etc.

Be warned though, when I told my nana she said "oh bloody hell, what did you go and do that for again" haha!

The flip side is, no matter how bad their intial reaction is I imagine their will be over joyed when baby is here, even my nana whose actions have been anything but supportive is over joyed by her great grand kids.

Take a deep breath and put a smile in your face. It's GOOD news! Congrats!

JakeBallardswife · 27/06/2016 16:12

Your parents will be thrilled! Just tellthem! Email, send a card if you can't face it personally!

PerspicaciaTick · 27/06/2016 16:12

I think having your partner with you when you tell them will go a long way to reassuring them about your future.

mugginsalert · 27/06/2016 16:32

Becoming a parent is tough, you will have lots of challenges as you move on from your identity as a daughter and discover your new identity as a mum. People will make ill-considered remarks that will really wind you up about your child and your parenting, and other people will judge you even though they have no right to. So, this is great practice! Don't make it an ordeal for yourself, tell them by card/letter etc if that is easier, but maybe not in a jokey way. One day your future child might ask you how you shared the news (my son asked me recently!) and it would be nice for you to have a memory that you are happy to revisit. Good luck!

Original poster

needahugbug · 27/06/2016 17:04

To make matters worse my partner is now having a go at me over it all. I just wish he understood how scared and upset I'm finding this. I'm hardy going to want to tell them when I feel I don't even have his support. It would be nice for him to say ok so you've been scared and bottled it a few times but let's go and tell them and I'll help you

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 27/06/2016 17:06

This is getting out of hand. Just tell them.

memyselfandaye · 27/06/2016 17:13

Scared? You are a woman in your 30s, fgs OP working yourself up into a state is not good for the child you are carrying.

You're being ott, you've had sex, so have your parents.

You are a grown up, not a teenager, you need to start acting like one.

Shakirasma · 27/06/2016 17:15

Have you actually read any of the replies on here? I'm frustrated just reading your posts so it's no wonder your partner is getting annoyed.

You are a 34 year old adult, you are a mother. For goodness sake you need to toughen up for your child. Stop dithering, woman up and tell them!

trafalgargal · 27/06/2016 17:17

He probably thinks you are ashamed of him .
Just do it .......even if it it isn't the most positive reaction to start with (worst scenario) you'll feel better than you do now .....and odds are they'll just be shocked but pleased...... Especially if it's the first gc

Leave it much longer and you could be affecting your blood pressure with stress and that's not good for baby.

knowler · 27/06/2016 17:17

Your partner is probably getting frustrated with you and might possibly be feeling as if you're ashamed of him and/or the baby, hence not wanting to say anything. Yes, it would be nice if he understood exactly how you are feeling, but you should probably realise that to an awful lot of people nowadays, having a baby before getting married is really no big deal. In fact, not a deal at all. I think I would probably be getting a bit antsy if I was in your partner's shoes now.

As I said above, I don't want to be harsh because I don't know your parents. But being a mum is really bloody difficult sometimes and there will be tougher issues than this to confront. You are 34 and you have your own life and - soon - your own family unit too. Rise to the challenge and good luck.

PortiaCastis · 27/06/2016 17:19

I told my parents at 18 I'm sure you can tell yours now you're in your 30's. As I said up thread my Mum was more upset that I didn't confide in her than she was about my pregnancy

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/06/2016 17:45

Setting aside your parents for a moment, do you mind me asking OP how do you feel about being pregnant?

Original poster

needahugbug · 27/06/2016 17:48

I'm happy about it as its what I've wanted for a long time but I do wish the situation could have been better and possibly with a more supportive partner. I'm very upset with myself for allowing things to get out of hand but I don't think many people honestly understand how I'm feeling about it all

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