Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Birth announcements

Share your unique birth stories and read heartwarming stories from fellow mums. For more on your baby’s development, check out the Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

Original poster

So frightened of telling parents

198 replies

needahugbug · 27/06/2016 10:38

Hi I'm looking for some advise. I know it's pathetic but I'm petrified of telling my parents about my pregnancy as they are quite old fashioned. I feel I've let them down as I'm not married and don't currently live with my partner. I know it's pathetic I just don't know what to do or how to tell them :(

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
TheRealAdaLovelace · 27/06/2016 10:40

you might find that they will not react as badly as you think. Try not to worry too much.
How old are you, OP?

rainbowstardrops · 27/06/2016 10:59

How old are you and how long have you been with your partner?
Your parents might not be too enamoured to begin with but I imagine they'll eventually come around to the idea once the initial shock has worn off.
Good luck and congratulations Flowers

steppemum · 27/06/2016 11:04

You don't have to tell them face to face, you could drop them a line (text/email)
Then you get to set the tone that you expect from them

eg
I have some lovely news and wanted you to be the first to know - you are going to be grandparents!

Sometimes bad reactions are shock, and they need time to adjust, sometimes they honestly don't know if this is good or bad, so don't know whether or not to say congratulations, or Oh dear how can we help?

Original poster
needahugbug · 27/06/2016 11:13

I'm 34 so it's pathetic really. I'm not a child but I'm so so scared I've let them down and they will be upset. My mum has been very ill recently with cancer and so I was waiting until after her operation to tell her as I didn't want to stress her out but all its done is made things harder for me :(

OP posts:
Original poster
needahugbug · 27/06/2016 11:13

I feel bad not telling them face to face but I just can't bring myself to say it. I made a card on moon pig saying you've been promoted to grandma but I feel a coward sending it to them

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 27/06/2016 11:15

I think if they are likley to find it a shock or disapprove the moon pig grandma card may be a step too far. Perhaps an email would be better. 💐

MackerelOfFact · 27/06/2016 11:17

Perhaps if your mum has had health issues she might be grateful to be having a grandchild sooner rather than later? Plus it might give them both something to look forward to and focus on during a difficult time.

At 34, even if they take the news badly, they're the ones who are going to miss out in the long run if they can't accept it. Flowers

LeonoraFlorence · 27/06/2016 11:24

A baby is such a lovely, positive thing to come into our lives. It sounds like a cliche but they bring enormous joy, which sounds like something your family could do with after the difficult times recently. I really good your parents can see that. Perhaps you're underestimating them? Take a big deep breath and just say it- 'we have some news, we're having a baby'. You'll feel so much better when you tell them, OP :)

Maybenot321 · 27/06/2016 11:26

I wouldn't send the card, definitely not- that'll be too much of a shock.
Best thing is to be brave, ring them and get it over with. I would bet they'll be delighted.Flowers

NCGone · 27/06/2016 11:28

I think the card is a good idea if you expect a bad reaction. It shows you are happy, and if they don't respond well immediately you won't be upset and they can regroup and phone you sounding excited as they might not want their reaction of surprise to affect you

cocochanel21 · 27/06/2016 11:33

I had to tell my parents at 15 that I was pregnant. Naturally they were devastated my mum was upset and my dad went ballistic Hmm. I was 5mths pregnant at the time.

Once Dd1 was here she couldn't have had more devoted grandparents.

Maybe your news will give your parents something to look forward to and help your mum's recovery.

Original poster
needahugbug · 27/06/2016 11:34

I've been making myself so sick with worry over this :( I keep going to tell them and I can't. This should be a happy time and I feel so sad and stressed.

OP posts:
taxworries · 27/06/2016 11:38

You poor thing. Are they really that stern/anti people getting pregnant before marriage? As some of the other posters say I would ring or go to see them and try and bit happy and upbeat about it, and hopefully once the news has sunk in they'll be happy too. Who doesn't love a baby! Could your partner come too so they can see you will have support?

wobblywonderwoman · 27/06/2016 11:39

I don't think this stress will do you any good op. Tell your mum. They may surprise you. They love you. A baby will no doubt bring a lot of happiness to your parents.

Great advice on here op. Look after yourself and congratualtions

Original poster
needahugbug · 27/06/2016 11:43

I don't know whether to write them a letter email or text and just say I was so worried about Telling them face to face and it was only because I was worried about stressing them out

OP posts:
Original poster
needahugbug · 27/06/2016 11:44

I had my partner come with me yesterday and I just bottled it. I was scared my dad would flip and didn't want to cause a big scene. They are just old fashioned if that makes sense and I think they would have liked me to do things a different way :(

OP posts:
bigoldbird · 27/06/2016 11:45

They may well react bad!ly to begin with, I had to tell my DH off for the way he reacted to the news his grandchild was on the way. He calmed down eventually and is now a hopelessly adoring grandad. DD was 25 and the baby was planned. Tell them asap but not necessarily face to face and don't worry too much about initial reactions.

electricflyzapper · 27/06/2016 11:45

Gosh, I am an old fashioned sort - marriage before babies, etc - but even I cannot imagine being your parents and being angry with you.

I think the thing for you to do is to work it all out in your head before you speak to them. I am sure you have anyway, but think about what their concerns are going to be and work out what your answer is to each one. So, eg, will they think you can't provide for the child? Or will they worry about lack of a regular father in the child's life? Try and work out how the future is going to pan out so you have a response to their concerns.

By the way, how involved is the father? Have you been together long? Have your parents met him? What is his attitude to the pregnancy? Maybe things will change, eg your partner will move in with you, thus making it 'more acceptable' in your parents' eyes?

You do need to tell them. Over the phone will do, but I don't think a text or a card would be proper.

MidnightVelvetthe5th · 27/06/2016 11:46

Are you planning to move in with your partner? Are you planning to get married? Not that you should have to do these things but if you were going to do them anyway you could use them as a buffer? So 'me & x are going to move in together & have a baby' or 'me & x are going to get married as we are going to have a baby' kind of thing.

If not then just bite the bullet & tell them. They may be upset but will you actually feel any worse than you do right now with it hanging over you?! Give them some time to get used to the idea, you may be underestimating them.

(And then assuming you are going to stay together, have a think about how on earth it would work with you being left with the baby all the time & your partner living somewhere else...)

electricflyzapper · 27/06/2016 11:47

Sorry, some x posting in my last post.

Thistly · 27/06/2016 11:47

Whatever happens, you will feel so much better once they know. The awful turmoil you are in has a cure. Write a letter if it's easier; a handwritten letter is still very personal.
But do it today.

ImperialBlether · 27/06/2016 11:51

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Is your partner a long-term partner? Do you think you'll marry in the future?

Original poster
needahugbug · 27/06/2016 11:52

Yes we are planning on moving in together so that side of it will be fine. It's just I can't bring myself to say it to them. I just don't have that sort of relationship with them :( I guess I act like a little girl and I'm scared they will be upset and feel they've lost me

OP posts:
BaboonBottom · 27/06/2016 11:54

Firstly, congratulations, babies are a wonderful special gift and you've been blessed with one. Its a lovely thing.

I had to tell mine in similar circumstances, it was not greeted well. I had to not talk about the baby, not talk about the symptoms -they were greeted with contempt, it was ignored. I couldn't be seen to have any baby stuff, i had to hide my baby books.
It was awful
When the baby arrived, id hoped it would be better. It wasn't. I was on my own, i think it was a punishment. Ive also seen another parent 'punish' their child with a lack of help and baby sitting. The resentment when my sister had a baby "ohhh its wonderful, i bought this for the baby i bought that for the baby" "I'm looking after the baby".

I resent how they were, if I'm honest i don't think i will ever fully forgive them. But we survived, it made my new little family tighter. Although they adore my first born now, they won't have the bond they should and thats entirely down to their behaviour and the choice they made. I am 99% sure they regret it now they realise its actually a person they were telling me to abort.
Expect little from them and they can't disappoint. Although hopefully they will see it as the blessing it is.
Good luck, just remember its a lovely thing and congratulations! it might not be how you would have planned it, but it doesn't make it any less of a blessing.

timelytess · 27/06/2016 11:55

I'm not a child but I'm so so scared I've let them down
Just go and tell your mum.
'A baby is always welcome'. So what if you've been 'pierced with a blunt sword'? [I did a social anthropology course once and those phrases stuck with me].
Either, your parents will go mad, or they won't. Either they'll be disappointed, or they won't.
You are 'the mum' now. Step up and tell them how its going to be. You can do it.
Flowers Congratulations. Be happy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread