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So frightened of telling parents

198 replies

needahugbug · 27/06/2016 10:38

Hi I'm looking for some advise. I know it's pathetic but I'm petrified of telling my parents about my pregnancy as they are quite old fashioned. I feel I've let them down as I'm not married and don't currently live with my partner. I know it's pathetic I just don't know what to do or how to tell them :(

OP posts:
CrabbitArse · 27/06/2016 12:00

I have similar sounding parents, very old fashioned and disapproving of sex before marriage. I got pregnant at 39 and was terrified to tell them! DP & I didn't live together, they'd only met him once & weren't that approving. I waited until my 12 week scan, took them out to dinner & told them they were going to be grandparents while handing over the scan photos, it certainly seemed to soften the blow. They are very much doting grandparents although still tell me occasionally they would prefer we got married Grin

ImperialBlether · 27/06/2016 12:01

My parents were like that but over the years they've just had to change when they've seen perfectly respectable people have children without getting married. Why would they think they'd lost you? That seems an odd thing to think - would they think that if you were married now?

Goingtobeawesome · 27/06/2016 12:07

You've done nothing wrong and that's what you need to remember when you tell them. Don't start off assuming you'll get told off

Geoff0409 · 27/06/2016 12:08

I wasn't planned and my Mum and Dad were 20 when they had me - weren't married and didn't live together - and I know my Nan and Grandad weren't overly happy but when they realised my Mum and Dad were staying together and planning for the future they were ok in the end. Make sure they know how reliable your DP is and how strong your relationship, and that you are nervous and excited. Quick tip - make sure they are the first ones' to know (or at least think they are) and that you came to them first to tell them, and also for their help and advice - it will make them feel a bit extra special.

Janeymoo50 · 27/06/2016 12:08

How old are your parents?
Tell them face to face, best to start as you mean to go on).
Can they come to you, on your own territory when you tell them??

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/06/2016 12:10

I am glad your boyfriend went with you - do your parents get along with him?
I am not sure if the card is the best way but you could hand it over any time.
Telling them face to face is gentler than blurting it out over the phone.
((Hug)) It may not be how you imagined but it's happening and you need to plan ahead.

Just remembered a colleague gave her parents a Save this date card, she said it's not for a wedding and gave a 3 week window. When they looked puzzled she took a deep breath and said, "That's when you become grandparents".

Serious illness can change a person's outlook on a lot of issues so perhaps your mother will not react as you fear. Remember shock and initial reaction can often mask kindness and concern so give your parents time for it to sink in.
If you tell them and give them an outline of how you intend to manage they won't fret or be afraid they are expected to 'shoulder the burden' or take over.

If you get this out in the open before your parents guess, it will be easier.

adrianabelshaw · 27/06/2016 12:10

Congratulations on being pregnant!

This is one of the most amazing things that can happen to a person and if you and your partner love each other, then I can't see anything wrong about it!

Your parents can only be happy about it! I am sure that if you explain the whole situation to them, they will understand. After all, as parents, they understand what joy it is to have a baby and surely, they want the best for their daughter. They will accept it as long as this is what makes you happy!

Moreover, you are already old enough to take your own decisions. Don't stress over this too much. Relax and concentrate on the positive thought that you are soon going to have a little one that will certainly make your life better!

Good luck!

memyselfandaye · 27/06/2016 12:14

In the nicest possible way, you need to grow up, you're an adult and soon you will be a parent, stop seeing yourself as a little girl.

If you parents are going to lose their shit over what should be a very much loved grandchild then I would be limiting contact with them.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/06/2016 12:15

Do they like your boyfriend?

I bet they'll be more pleased than you think. My parents are both religious and well I fell pregnant I had only just moved in with my boyfriend and was actually still married to my ex Blush.

My mum was over the moon. She freaked a bit at first "when will you go back to work?" Was her first question- I blame the shock! But she was so excited and really surprised me. She still disapproves of other unmarried mothers, but apparently I got special exemption from her judgement Grin. I now enjoy pointing out her hypocrisy and hope it has made her more tolerant as a person.

charliosaurus · 27/06/2016 12:15

congratulations! I was scared about telling my mum when i found out i was pregnant. I sat outside in my car for a good 15 minutes building up the courage to tell her. She swore at me at first and told me i was moving too quick with my bf. she got over it quickly and then got excited for me.

trafalgargal · 27/06/2016 12:20

I told my Mum first -and discussed with her the best way to tell my Dad.

His reaction (despite my Mum telling him I had GOOD news was to say "Oh God no" and stomp off to the other room.

My first instinct was to follow him and rip into him but I didn't . I was very calm and said " Look I'm sorry you aren't happy but this baby was planned and we're very happy about so if whilst I'd rather you shared our joy -if you can't then all I ask is you don't try and spoil it for us"

He said he was worried cos I wasn't married - if my OH was the right one etc but agreed . He then went on a campaign to get us married before the baby arrived LOL By the time his first grandchild arrived he was the proudest and most excited grandad ever my advice is .......Don't go to them as "their little girl" but as an adult woman and show them you are in control and have proper stable plans for yours and their graandchild's future.

BeautyQueenFromMars · 27/06/2016 12:25

I know exactly how you feel, OP. My parents are very religious and disapprove strongly of sex outside of marriage. I was actually worried that they'd disown me. Telling them was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And they turned out to be brilliant - not at all as I was expecting.

They expressed disappointment over the fact that it had come about in a way different to what they had hoped for and expected of me. They followed that up with a promise to give me any support and help that I might need, and they have kept that promise.

In fact, later on, my Mum told me that once our chat was over and they went up to their room, Dad actually did a little happy dance as their first grandchild was on the way!

So, you are prepared for the worst, which is good, but you can hope for the best, because it could happen. And better they found out now from you telling, rather than seeing that you're obviously pregnant in a few months without you having mentioned anything to them.

You can do it, OP, you really can. Good luck. Flowers

spiderlight · 27/06/2016 12:28

I was worried about telling my dad too - he's very strict, very religious, and I wasn't married (although I was living with my partner and we'd been together 7 years). I was 34 as well but I felt about 14!! I phrased it as 'You're going to be a grandad' rather than 'I'm pregnant'. He was delighted and it went from being the scariest to one of the happiest moments of my life.

Good luck, and congratulations!!

SpotOfWeather · 27/06/2016 12:30

They might be more supportive than you think. It's really important that you share the news with them because they could become very special people in your child's life.

AyeAmarok · 27/06/2016 12:32

Why don't you say to them that you and your DP are having a baby, and you're going to move in together and it is a solid, long-term relationship. You appreciate they would have preferred this to happen a different way but you're pleased and you hope they can be happy for you and supportive too.

They probably won't be as bad as you're expecting them to be. Just face it head on, face to face. Even if they're shocked at first they'll come around quickly.

Don't let the stress of worrying what they might think ruin this for you.

Congratulations Smile

DairyFogMother · 27/06/2016 12:43

needahugbug, if my 34 year old daughter told me she was pregnant, I would be thrilled to bits. This is your time, your life, your future, be happy.

They might be surprised at first but they'll get over it; send them a card to allow them to digest your wonderful news.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 27/06/2016 12:45

Then you can stop panicking and enjoy your pregnancy.
And since you're 34 (clearly ancient Wink) I suspect they will be thrilled - especially your mum if she's been so ill. As a mother I can offer a sweeping generalisation that grandchildren will be welcome - except from my lot who are too young just yet... ARE YOU LISTENING DDs?

carabos · 27/06/2016 12:45

When we told DH's very prim and proper DGM that we were expecting (we weren't married at the time), she winked at me and said "ooh you shocker".

You might find that if your parents are living in the 21st century, and assuming no cultural or religious objections, they might take it better than you fear.

Of more concern is that you don't have an appropriately developed adult relationship with them. You might want to take this opportunity to do some work on that.

MunchCrunch01 · 27/06/2016 12:46

Op, very many congratulations. Having a baby is a wonderful thing and however they react, it's a lovely lovely thing for you and your P. Just tell them however you're going to - I personally think from experience it's best to call, not so impersonal, I always text/email for tricky stuff too and it so much more often backfires. But however you do it, their reaction is their issue. Be happy, it's lovely news. Tbh I'd love my DDs to be married before they have DCs, find lovely partners, have fabulous jobs, yadda yadda ya. But if they don't, I'll love my GC in whatever circumstances they're born in. These are ideal, not necessary conditions and I'd think less of anyone that had less contact with their GC because they felt things hadn't been done according to their version of right.

IndiansInTheLobby · 27/06/2016 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roundaboutthetown · 27/06/2016 12:48

Well, you will upset them and stress them out if you look upset by the news! If you are happy about the pregnancy, your partner is happy and you are moving in together, then tell them how wonderful it is, how wanted it was, and how excited you are. Don't spoil it by making them think you think it is a bad thing!

dingdongdigeridoo · 27/06/2016 12:56

Congratulations on the baby. And the moving in together. It's all good news!

If you think your parents are going to kick off and cause a scene, then sending a text might be the best bet. Do it now, and give them some time to cool off. Hopefully, they'll come around, and you'll be able to celebrate with them in future.

I'm not usually the type to suggest this kind of thing via text, but I think it's a good idea in these situations.

Couldashouldawoulda · 27/06/2016 13:01

Why not lead with the news that you're moving in together, then hit them with the baby? You could also get your partner to tell them. I did - I was terrified of what mine would say, and I was 34 and married FFS! He/ you should be sure to frame it positively, to cue them as to what their reaction should be, i.e. 'We've also got some more, really exciting news...'

DoJo · 27/06/2016 13:01

Can telling them really be worse than the fear of telling them? It doesn't sound like you can really enjoy your pregnancy while their reaction is still unknown, so you might as well bite the bullet and at least find out what you're dealing with!

WeekendAway · 27/06/2016 13:01

Oh goodness gracious, I was expecting you to be about 17!

Look, you are a grown woman with more child bearing years behind you than in front of you. You are in a loving and stable (hopefully) relationship and you are old enough to make your own decisions about your life.

I think you might be underestimating your mum you know. If she's been ill with cancer she's probably been doing a lot of taking stock of stuff, as people do when they are forced to face their own mortality. I think it probably mellows them a bit and makes them sweat the small stuff less.

I think you might find your parents are more understanding than you think, and actually quite thrilled to be grandparents. It's a positive ray of hope and joy after a difficult time. Either way, you have to tell them, so approach it all sackcloth and ashes with your head bowed like you expect to be in trouble. Be proud and be happy and I am sure they will too. If not straight away then I feel sure they will come around once that baby is in their arms.

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