the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

Very excited - in a sulky, hardly verbal, smelly armpit, kevin the teenager type of way

You are painting such a lovely picture of my future

I can't wait

Love to you tonight xx night night xx

night my friend xx

Sweet dreams my friend, sagapo xx

Apologies for being quiet today. Its been an emotional one for me, lots of tears.

1. Its the 21st (well 22nd now, but I'm still awake, so its still the 21st to me) - 1 month to the date our Belle arrived sleeping, beautiful and perfect. I can't believe a month has passed already, and all in one big blur. But at the same time is that really all it is, 1 month? Each day and hour feels so long now. I want my baby.

2. The lovely ladies off the August 2010 thread (where I was before here) have sent us a lovely card and gift which arrived today. So thoughtful, generous and kind - my virtual world came into real life and it was like it was giving me a hug. I'm truely overwhelmed that an online community came together to do something in memory of Belle. I'm really touched.

They have given us a generous amount in gardening vouchers to buy a pot and anything else we may need for a beautiful pink Beatrix Potter Rose they have ordered to be sent to us in the Autumn. How beautiful is that... its made me cry. The card made me cry - we've recieved many cards in the last month, but someone has taken the time to make this one especially for Belle - it is pink, her name is on it in pink cut out lettering and there is pink cut buttons in the corner. It is so pretty. They have also made a donation to SANDS on our behalf with left over funds after our gift. What a generous group of ladies.

3. Two of my closest friends got engaged today - I am honestly really pleased for them, I'd even go as far to say I'm excited for them, such a genuine couple and perfect for eachother - but such happiness however unrelated to babies just highlights our heartbreak and sadness, I don't believe I could ever really be truely happy again. I'm struggling keeping up this "I'm really happy for you face" and fear I will breakdown before long.

4. We collected our pregnancy photos today. Beautiful work and really stunning. I will my favourite to my profile. But they are so so painful. We look so happy in these photos - how can it be just two days after these were taken our Belle became an angel? It so unfair, I'm broken. I'm not sure I can hold it together anymore.

Shab I hope today was as peaceful for you as it could be.

Morning girls xx

Oh Caz - I just sat here and cried. What a wonderful thing to do. So very thoughtful. Well done to all of them for being so caring.

I have been where you are now - its a horrible, weird place. When you say you dont know how you are going to do it I KNOW what you mean. I think every person on this thread will know.

BUT - you will do it....you have to do it....we are all on your side, we will hold your hand every step of the way. Belle will also be by your side. You will forever be her Mummy and she will forever be your Darling Daughter.

Sending all my love and thoughts xxxxxxxxx

Morning all xx

Caz that is really lovely of them to do that for you , I too have had a wee tear . Your pregnancy pic is gorgeous , you both look so proud and happy . It is so bloody unfair .

I Like I hope you are ok , here when you want a chat xx

Caz thats beautiful ...brought a tear to my eye too- there are some truly wonderful people on mn...

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caz you photos are lovely, you look so happy. I know how you feel about others around you celebrating their happiness when you are trapped in this endless grief. It is so difficult to feel happy for them. It will be our son's birthday on August 8th and we have been invited to an evening wedding party the night before, I don't think we will be able to go, but I am afraid if I don't go that I will never go to a 'celebration' again. It is so difficult to 'jump these hurdles'. take care of yourselves you obviously have a strong marriage. xx

OMG Sassy - i think it is a 'anxiety' dream - but a very scary one. Totally full of anxiety and confusion. I think we carry on a lot of the days emotions into our sleep.

My dream was always about Vampires???? They always came to my mums house and handed me a baby - the baby had beautiful blue eyes and strawberry blonde coloured hair. I would take the baby from him and then glance over the road and my boys would be walking over the fields. The minute I accepted the baby the man would turn into a vampire and he would go after the boys.....I used to stand there, frozen to the spot, trying to scream to the boys to run....but there was never a sound came out of my mouth. I had that dream for years. I used to wake myself up because I was shouting the Lords prayer in my sleep.

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The vampire (I am terrified of vampires) was always after Danny - but there were often more children than Danny walking on the fields!! Incidentally it was always at my parents house - there house has the same fields over the road. He always tricked me with this beautiful baby - and somehow I always knew it was a boy. Real anxiety nightmares!

sassy Oh that must have been horrible. I don't really understand the meaning of dreams but I think that because you have lost your precious Catherine that you are afraid that nothing good is ever going to happen to you. I am afraid of something happening to my son in Australia and I think I am driving him mad with my texts and phone calls to make sure he is OK. I hope you have a more peaceful night tonight. xx

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Hi ladies, hope everyones well

Abi

xx

Sassy - dont know what the vampire wanted i was too frightened to find out

I was almost 41 when I had Tom - it was my healthiest pregnancy to be honest - apart from him being 20 - yes 20 days late!!!

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No problem my love I was told how there was more of a risk of downs etc etc. I got a 1 in 180 risk of downs and had an amneocentisis (sp??) but it came back negative.

At first I felt panic stricken - I found out I was expecting Tom on my 40th birthday - I had a cervical cancer scare and had a cone biopsy a few weeks earlier. When we worked out the dates I had been about 10 days pregnant - so, all in all, Tom is my little gift - he certainly keeps us on our toes!

Oh yes - very healthy and very handsome

Yes there are some lovely people on MN. What I can't get my head around today is that my virtual community of friends took the time to think of us, and do something special - yet my real life friends have forgotten and are busy getting on with their lovely exciting lives with weddings and celebrations. They don't even take the time to ask how we are doing - let alone acknowledge Belle's exsistence.

We're supposed to be going to our friends birthday bbq tomorrow evening, same friends as got engaged yesterday so the quiet bbq we were promised of just 4 couples will be 3 of the ladies being excited and shreiking and happy for the one who's got engaged, and me, who can barely cope with real life trying to hold it all together long enough infront of them, so not to ruin, spoil or take away from her special occasion with such immense grief for my baby who died only a month ago. They've forgotten our utterly devasted lives, theres another wedding to plan now - something happy to think about. Grief just makes people uncomfortable. I seriously doubt they would understand if I have a meltdown while we're there, but the timing couldn't be worse. But how can I drop out of going now after such happy news - they'll know I was trying to avoid it. Urgh I feel sick.

Its gone 12 and DH is still snoring loudly upstairs. I should wake him up but I know neither of us slept well last night.

Sassy - that sounds like a really scary dream. I hope you have a more restful night tonight.

Caz - I remember being amazed that the 'world kept turning' and people 'got on with their lives.' I remember being where you are now - and I wouldn't go back to that time for anything. Be kind to yourself my love - dont do anything that puts you in that scary place. Maybe a code word between you and your DH if either of you want to do a 'runner!'

Sassy I just want to second what Shabba said about getting pregnant after 40. My daughter died 4 years ago.
She was born with serious congenital heart defects and an unidentified syndrome and we only had her for a year and a half before she passed away. I couldn't even think about getting pregnant for at least a year after she had died but despite all the risks I went ahead and got pregnant easily and my son was born when I was 41. It was a high risk pregnancy and caused me a lot of anxiety but at no point did any doctor say to me that I was too old or that there were too many risks involved. In fact, they were very encouraging. I know everyone's experiences are different but I just wanted to assure you that you can eventually get beyond the very dark place you are in now and see a future for yourself and your family. I remember also feeling very angry with the world and wanting to lash out but I came to accept that the best way I could honour my daughter's memory was to make the best of things and get the most out of life. She was given so little time and it would be wrong of me to waste the time I have been given drowning in negativity. Hope this doesn't sound too preachy - I wanted my words to be a very small comfort for you in a horrible time.

Hi all.

Apologies for the following long and self indulgent post, especially as I haven't been around here much at the moment (although I have been lurking)

It will/would?? be Cole's 4th birthday a week tomorrow and I'm finding it hard to find the words about how I feel.

You may remember that the year after C died dh and I got married on his birthday, so our wedding anniversary is on his birthday. It felt very right when we done it, and it seemed ok last year. But this year it just feels very wrong and I keep wondering if we made a huge mistake on getting married on his birthday.

We done it because we wanted his birthday to be remembered as a special and happy day, so if we got married on that date it would make everything even more special.

Now I'm not so sure. The date doesn't feel happy or special, it's just another reminder that he's not here and that I still miss him every hour of every day.

I really need to chat to dh about it and I'm brooding on it because I don't want to upset him.

Oh I don't know. It just all feels so complicated. It's exhausting.

Hi spottypig, I don't think we've seen you here before have we? I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, what was her name if you don't mind me asking?