the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

Morning all xx

Morning girls xx

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Morning all...

When I woke up this morning DH was quite teary, saying he'd called in sick to work because he couldn't face going in. He's now taken himself off to the Drs. I don't know how to help him. I told him how brave he was last week and that he'd done amazingly well but apart from that I don't know what to do.

You're right Sassy - we do lull ourselves into believing when we get past the first trimester everything will be ok, and especially after we get past the 20 week scan. I certainly had. The stupid thing is - I should bloody well know things arn't always ok later in pregnancy, as I'm sure I've previously said here - my cousin died at 38 weeks. I knew it happened, I guess I'd just 'forgotten' in the excitment of preparing for Belle. The SANDS website has a figure or 17 babies are born sleeping or die shortly after birth every day. It is a shocking figure. I know hundreds are born and are perfectly healthy every day, but I still think 17 is a lot. I hate the fact that I'm one of those 17.

We're going to go to Belle today, sit a while with her and place some fresh flowers - I'm finding myself wanting to go there a lot now.

See that's the thing - when you are pregnant no one ever says 'you might not get a helathy baby at the end of this'. No one. No one ever tells you of all the things that can go wrong. People just assume that at the end of the pregnancy, they will have a happy healthy baby and g0o on to play happy families. Sadly though, we know differently, we know it's not always the fairytale ending.

I think I will wrap a bandage across my heart then people will stop saying 'are you alright now' and know my heart is broken.

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Just going to put on my pissed off and proud t shirt. Feeling very angry with life today. Hope everyone is calmer than me today.

Irons her P O & P shirt......I feel very anxious.....mind you my grandson has been here since 9am and wont be picked up till 6pm LOL - I love him with all my heart but he is verrrrrryyyyy hard work and!!! he has a pair of undies on today - me and his lovely mum are starting the potty training!! Gawd help us xxxx

shabbs take grandson and potty into garden, sit down, relax and enjoy. They are hard work but so much fun, I envy you todayxx

Thank you for your words - I am a very lucky woman. Just very tired from all the lack of sleep.....we do have fun but it is a wondorous sight when my DS1 comes to pick him up

I bet my boys are LOL in heaven at the sight of their owd Mam dancing to all the music on the music channel...Lew loves it when I dance - he says 'Andma u r mad!!' xx

shabbs thanks you have made me laugh. I love being a Granny, don't see them a lot as they live about 3 hours away but they are ccoming to stay for a couple of weeks in August, can't wait, they will definately cheer me up a bit.

sending shabbs a big box of chocolates for making me laugh.

Lavendes - was flicking through the tv channels before and he wanted me to stop on Big Brother - he watched all the women and then found Corrine....she has very large bazookas....he looked around and whispered 'Anma dem r big nip nips!!!' He is 2 yrs and 1 month old - I must admit to almost showering him with my mouthful of coffee - he is obsessed with bosoms!!

shabbs that is hilarious he is a typical man then.

Your grandson sounds adorable Shab - I hope you enjoyed your day with him.

Lavandes - gentle thoughts and love to you.

DH has been signed off work for 2 weeks. The sick note upset me, which I know is silly and I know it has to say what it does, but I just don't feel "unfit for work due to stress related illness" remotely covers the enormity of what has happened to us. Especially when people like my next door neighbour are happily boasting about already booking her Drs appointment for a fortnights time to act up and get signed off on stress because she fancies another week off this summer. Anyway....

DH's boss has been incredibly understanding I feel today and gave us the left over money they had collected for Belle's floral tribute at her funeral. They have told us to use the money as we like and we've decided to use it to make Belle's grave look pretty in time. His boss thought that was a lovely idea.

We spent a good 40 minutes up with Belle today, sat on a bench crying into DH's arms. I hate the huge mound of earth on top of her and hope it flattens quickly so we can make it a beautiful pretty place for her.

I hope everyone has had a peaceful day. x x

caz Hope you both find some peace soon. I'm glad your husband'd boss is understanding. You mustn't worry about going back to work, just take your time and go when you are ready. My doctor just put bereavement on my sick note, which is what it is after all. I wish your neighbour a wet holiday!! xx

Hi everyone, Shabs your grandson sounds adorable

I'm finding it so hard today. My husband is grieving so differently to me, I know he's aching inside but he isn't showing it. I just seem to be lashing out at him all the time. I drove off to the cemetery today after screaming at him. I just sat by malachy's grave andsobbed and sobbed. I was wailing, and I didn't care if anybody saw me. On Saturday when I was drunk I told a mutual friend that he (dh) doesn't care. I know this isn't true and my friend reassured me but I just wish he'd sit and cry with me. That probably sounds really selfish but I just feel like we're growing apart and that's the last thing I want.

Caz. I hate the mound of earth on malachy's grave too. I wish I could have had some time with him.

Oh Mini - I wish I had the words to comfort you. I'm sure somebody with wisdom will be along soon and will know exactly what to say.

Its all so soon and raw, its ok to be angry, I've been angry all weekend, really angry, I want to scream at someone too. Maybe you're lashing out at DH because he's the only one you can lash out at, because he's the only one who understands. - I've had moments where I don't think me and DH are on the same page, but everyone grieves differently and will feel different things at different times. Its not selfish in the slightest to want to sit and cry with him - he's the only other person in the world at the moment who truely understands your loss. And he will be feeling it as much as you are - like Sassy said earlier, he's lost all his dreams too. Yes we understand what your going through here, can empathise and feel for you, because we know, we're all hurting for our own children too - but your DH is the only one who knew and lost Malachy like you did. I hope what I've said makes sense - it makes sense in my head. Have you talked with your DH about the way your feeling?

Lavandes - I'm wishing my neighbour a wet week off too! Haha!

Sorry I haven't been around ladies. I've been doing a lot of thinking (and having to deal with having over committed in an effort at distraction...). It feels really daft but I think I'm in a place where I don't really believe I've lost a baby. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to have to deal with the fall out. I don't have TIME to deal with the fall out. I can't cope with that. So I'll just slot into a world where I was never pregnant, and my poor little Grace never even existed.

And I know that can't go on indefinitely. But how can you find time to grieve properly when you've got a 3 year old to look after? One of the most heartbreaking things anyone said was DD1, who turned around one day not long after the funeral and told me "I'm sorry I forgot to bring Grace home from the hospital, mummy."

It's not fair on DD1 for me to fall apart for DD2. I can't do that to her. But where does that leave me with DD2?

I HATE this.

And it seems so daft. I haven't hidden away from the practical side of things at all. I knew I'd have to be induced but I wasn't actually afraid of giving birth, only of giving birth to a baby I knew had died - if that makes sense. I knew we'd have to have a funeral so I started looking for poems and readings and thinking about music pretty well as soon as I got home. DH and I did all the planning, found the coffin, designed and printed the order of service. Since then DD1 and I have done a couple of planters to put on her grave and I go there often.

I don't know where I'm going though - it almost feels as though I'm doing it all for someone else now. I don't have a clue how to reach any acceptance of what has happened. I don't see how I can let myself walk the path of a bereaved mother whilst also keeping life running for the family I have here. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say any more.

It probably doesn't help that one of our best friends and her husband are expecting their DC2 any day now. Its not the first baby I'll have been near since loosing Grace, but it will probably be the first baby where there's an expectation that we'll go and visit and have a cuddle. Equally I know that they'll be ready for us to fall apart at that point, but its still just bringing it all home. Oh - and suddenly there's a whole rash of pregnancies becoming common knowledge at the local toddler group, including 1 mum who saw us as we were leaving the EPU and probably thinks I'm pregnant as well. That one's going to be really fun to explain...

Oh blimey, I've just realised how long that was .

Caz - Belle is beautiful

Minione - before Grace was born the consultants were very worried that she would have been badly infected with the SF virus and so we were warned that she may not be in the best shape when she was born. We asked that we be told how she looked before we saw her and, luckily for us, she was pretty normal. I honestly can't say what we would have done if they'd told us she wasn't looking so good and you have my heartfelt sympathy for having to face that with Malachy. You were in an awful place and did the best you could.

Sassy - our IM was amazing. She came into the hospital the morning after we found out and stayed all day. Then she came back a couple of days later, just before they said they wanted to induce me that day. She stayed with us until after Grace was born and we were settled. She provided post natal care for a good 6 weeks, and has been supporting me through the MCs as well. Both she and the 2nd IM from DD1 came to Grace's funeral, and one of them did a reading for us. She's still in regular contact and providing support. I'm glad your IM was supportive as well.

Shabs - your quotes about your GS always give me a good giggle. He sounds so bright and full of mischief.

We used the following quote as one of the readings at Grace's funeral (thinking about it, it was the one our 2nd IM read). A few of the posts I read while trying to catch up brought it to mind so I hope you don't mind me sharing. Its from ?The Prophet? by Kahil Gibran:

Then a woman said, ?Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.?

And he answered: ?Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with you tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter?s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed by knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.?

Tangle you have reminded me to re-read The Prophet.

I was going through my sister's things the other day and found a copy I gave to her many years ago, all dog-eared. I had written a quote in the front: "For there is no friend like a sister, in calm or stormy weather, to cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands.?

Also saw this one today:?If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.? Perfect

I am feeling very pissed off right now that my sister is gone and wasn't/isn't here to be with us through losing dd. She was the first person I told I was pg, the first one we rang from the delivery room, the one who turned up on our doorstep unannounced and skint two days later having hitched hundreds of miles to meet dd. I miss her .

And dd2 doesn't get to meet her brilliant crazy aunty, or her funny delicious sister. So unfair.

Plenty of hollows carved in in my heart.

Oh here I go again - trying to pick the right words!!! I think I should just say what is in my heart and head.....

Im glad that all you 'new' ladies have found us...very, very sad that we had to meet on a thread like this. Wish we could be arguing on an AIBU thread.

Having new friends who are just beginning this awful journey makes me do two things. It reminds me about my deep, deep sadness when my sons died. It reminds me how I couldn't STOP eating - I would eat food that had gone way past its sell by date, food I didn't like etc etc. Anything I could shove in my mouth was eaten. It reminds me of my husband being laid off work because he couldn't stop crying and the company felt it inappropriate. It reminds me of having our home re-possessed just a year afterwards because we couldn't pay the mortgage it reminds me of feeling useless, unwanted, unloved and in a very dark place.

It also shows me that time has marched on - and for most of that time I have dragged my feet along, head down against the storm. It shows me that Im doing OK - not amazing but OK. It has also reminded me that I am still a lucky Mum - I have two amazing sons physically here with me and an amazing grandson and wonderful family.

I think that if, when I die, they perform a PM they will find that across my heart there are huge cracks that have kind of scabbed over.

I want to thank all of you for reminding me of how life was and showing me how, somehow, Im not doing bad. Thank you xxxx