the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

[deemented] I am so sorry to read this. Yesterday I had a good laugh at one of your posts and of course had no idea that you were always carrying this sorrow with you. I guess that in a forum like this, we all appear to be rather 2-dimensional and we tend to forget that many of the people posting have had appalling things to bear in their lives.

I have never lost a child and can only imagine how awful it must be. Please accept my deepest sympathy for Ciaran. It must be so difficult to have nobody else who knew and loved him to talk to. I feel so sad for you.

That now twice within an hour you have had me crying, seenyertoeslately (the first one was 'You want locking up')

Thank you for taking the time to come over here and say that - it's much appreciated. I guess a lot of people only see the face that i paint on and don't bother looking any deeper, but that's ok.

Morning girls xx

Mornin Shabbs love x

Message deleted

My DH is the second eldest of 7 children. His up-bringing was so rough...if you have ever watched the film Kes or how the father is with the son in the film Billy Elliott - well, that will give you a good idea.

I, for whatever strange reason, was the one who organised everything after the boys died...the one who went back to work, the one who got Danny back into school. My DH had never been taught by his parents how to cope with grief. They ran away from any big problems and usually would end up physical and verbally fighting.

DH had a nervous breakdown after each of the boys - Im not calling him names for being like he is - its not his fault - its his parents! I also got on very, very well with my FIL.

Quite often he will react to things exactly the way I have seen his parents react. Its very hard to cope with.

This message makes me sound like I am some kind of saint who does nothing wrong I dont mean it to....We have grieved totally separately, totally in our own ways, totally apart. Its too late to fix most of it now - so we just go through the motions each day.

Aw, thanks Sassy. I have to admit that i am struggling a little at the moment. I know what it is - it's the time of year. My DH's birthday is on 6th August, and he died on the 11th. It'll be two years this time. I have so much guilt on me surrounding it all, and i find it hard to cope with sometimes. And then it's the boys birthday in September.

Ah Shabbs.

Thank you cariad xx

Message deleted

Morning Afternoon (not long got up!)

Dee - sending much love to you. x x

Sassy - much love to you too. Have you found any comfort in going to church? I grew up going to church and its only the last couple of years I've stopped going. I'm not completely sure why that is - mainly because there was people at my parents church that made me uncomfortable, making it plainly obvious they didn't approve of my lifestyle - living with DH before marriage. But since losing Belle part of my wants to go to church again, but not my parents church - but being brave enough to go to one where no-one knows me, I'm not sure about that either.

Shabs - I also think you must have an amazing marriage to have survived the grief you've experienced.

Although I know me and DH are strong, and we are spending time crying and grieving together, I'm also aware we are finding different ways of dealing with our loss. I'm finding great comfort in talking to other bereaved Mummies on here and reading other peoples stories on the SANDS website, I'm trying to include him in it too - I tell him what I read of other peoples experiences. I find it comforting to know we're not the only ones who've been through this, because a lot of the time in real life I'm feeling really isolated from everyone else. I do think DH thinks deep down I'm spending too much time on the laptop though. I hope he finds his "thing" soon that he finds comfort in.

Message deleted

Hi ladies, hope you are all ok. Yesterday, We went to a wedding of a close friend. We had a lovely day and I actually enjoyed myself. However, i did drink too much and got a bit teary, I also kept thinking how I was suppoesed to be pregnant, how I should be nearly 36 weeks pregnant, huge and going back to my hotel room early cos I'm tired not drunk and having to tell someone I've just met why I'm upset. I did have a nice time though and now I feel guilty that I was enjoying myself. Silly really.

Well done for being so brave Minione - it is silly for feeling guilty for enjoying yourself, but totally normal I expect - I felt guilty for laughing through Sex and City 2 at the cinema on Wednesday...

I'm going to my cousins wedding in 2 weeks in Plymouth, I'm dreading it as there will be a newborn girl there too and I know I will just feel angry, jealous and resentful the whole time. But in theory people only get married once and I want to be there for my cousin. DH isn't going because he couldn't get day off work (on a Friday), so I'm going with my parents. Hopefully I'll come away like you saying I enjoyed it too - its their happy special day and I don't begrudge them that and I know how much I adored my wedding last year, it was magical.

Sassy - DH won't go to church with me, he believes in the sentiment of community around church, but not all the God stuff - unlike me, I'm very believing. I think I'll probably find myself somewhere before long...

Thanks Caz, we did have a lovely time, hopefully you will too. We've booked a holiday, we thought a change of scenery might do us good. So we are off to lake Garda on Wednesday , it will be our first wedding anniversary on the 26th perhaps
Away from home we might feel like celebrating. Tbh I'm not looking forward to the holiday as we shouldn't be going away I should be getting ready to have a baby.

Hope you ladies are all ok

evening all x been away for a week's hols to lovely Nairn near inverness. We had a lovely time. Seem to remember being on here after our week away in april saying i couldn't ever imagine saying the three of us could have a lovely time so just thought i should let you guys know that this time it was lovely lots of the time, relaxing most of the time - still tinged with sadness without gregor being there but all in all a nice week away.... progress I think

My DH and I have grieved soo so differently and to all intents and purposes have had to force ourselves (for the sake of eachother and our marriage) to 'get' where the other is at lots of the time. I was off work for 9 months, DH went back after less than 3 weeks; I have been able to look at photos/videos from the day G died, DH still struggles with pics and i still don't think he's looked at any of the video footage we have; I needed to talk and to have people around me, Dh doesn't feel the need to talk to anyone much that's just the way he copes; I've had counselling whereas dh just doesn't think he needs it nor would it help him.... I don't think it's strictly a male/female thing though as the person whose grief is most like mine is (quite surpriseingly) my dad's - He and I can talk and cry loads about gregor.

Message deleted

oh god

Did anyone see the piece in the Sunday papers re midwives being involved in 2 thirds of hospital negligence cases ??

Apparently a lot of stillbirths are caused by midwives not being able to read the ctg trace

If this is the case then surely its sinple bloody fix.. train them how to do it

How many babies need to die before they act..???

sorry small rant there

Girls I've come to bed feeling really silly but really upset.

DH turned on Ice Age 3 - we haven't seen it before. But its all about the Mammoths preparing for their baby and becoming a little family. While DH is happily laughing away at the film I couldn't bare it anymore and have come up to bed really teary. I know it is silly to let a children's film upset me so much but I so desperately want to be preparing for my baby, and excited about becoming a little family. I should be 37 weeks pregnant and huge now. But instead my baby has become an angel and I've buried her, and I'm the smallest I've been in a long time - smaller even than when I got pregnant in the first place.

I want my beautiful Belle. Everything hurts so much.

oh cazem.. come here and have a hug

I have felt that way many a time..and its often the daftest things that can set me off

thanks FM

What Sunday paper did you find that piece in?

Oh Caz, sending you a hug x.

It was in the sunday post which I think is just a scottish paper

but here's a link to the same thing i found on line

here

I have posted it on the news section as well but its not getting much interest .. suprose suprise!!

DH has since come up to bed upset too - the baby mammoth being born set him off. What a pair of absolute loons we must sound....

Caz - I sobbed my heart out when I watched that film.....Im the same with Finding Nemo.....so very painful, perhaps that is why they are amazing films??? So true to life - even though they are animation.