the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

I totally understand. I think that unless you're the one going through it then you can't imagine it. Ciaran lived for just an hour and fourty two minutes, and loosing him was horrendous, so i can't begin to wonder how you cope having had Catherine for nearly four years. It's incomprehensible, it really is. There's nothing at all that makes sense when a child dies.

This September it'll be six years since my boys were born, and i've just realised that their birthday will fall on the day they were born on. That seems really strange. I'm a bit worried how i'm going to cope. But i'll do what i usualy do - plaster a smile on my face and sing happy birthday to Boyo and then go and put flowers on his brothers grave.

sassy what you are feeling is unfortunatly so normal.

I cant imagine how hard it is to have had an actual little person running around driving you insane and then ..not.

I hate having nothing to remind me of Fraser except hand&foot prints, a lock of hair and the pm results.

But on the other hand.. it means I can hide it away under a bed and never look at it unless I feel like it. YOu dont have this option.. you are surrounded constantly by memories of Catherine.

I dont know but I would like to think that with time you will be able to remember going down that road entertaining Catherine and smile about it

Dont ever regret having her susan.. she is special

I dont know if this makes any sense.. I hope it does

sorry for not being around ..there just arent enough hours in the day

Hello lovely mummies........reading back some of your posts makes me so sad........I feel for each and every one of you, oh I wish I could wipe your tears of despair away, its so hard facing each day. Like Shabs I have been travelling my road for 16yrs, time does change things, hard to believe in the first few years. It was my Matthews b/day on the 9th, 31.....17 b/days missed.......love him, miss him, sad for him always.......
Thank you for asking after me, we are having such a stressful time, DH is still in hospital, its been 4 days now and he won`t be out for at least another 2/3. His body is full of infection but he has no resistance to fight it because of the chemo. It just seems to go on and on, once we get him thru the 6 months of chemo he has to have liver surgery again then lung surgery, the treatment started in March and will run up to Christmas. Kids coping as well as can be expected, finding three 12yr old exhausting, but as Shabs my dear friend knows we can only put on our Eleanor Rigby face and carry on. May you all find peace in your hearts. xx

Oh Trips - Im so glad we found each other. You are always on my mind and I hope things improve soon for you.

Sassy - I know your feelings so well. The Christmas after we lost Matt we went to Teneriffe on holiday. Mainly to run away from Christmas I think. The first night we were there we wandered around and found a lovely bar that had a disco going on. They played a song that Matt loved and the dance floor suddenly had hundreds of children on. I looked at their shiny eyes and massive smiles and literally howled and cried. I sounded like an animal in pain. I turned around, grabbed Dans arm and ran. We stood around the corner and just sobbed. ITS NOT FAIR is it? Its just NOT FAIR.

I do think having a more structured day helps somehow....having a kind of time table of things to do. I also hated doing the grocery shopping xxxx

Hello darling Shabs........oh what a day...... I too remember the first time I went out shopping on my own, standing in the aisle at Tesco my hand hovering over Munch Bunch yogurts his favourite, knowing I would never but them for him again........still a painful memory.

If you think you are going insane - thats normal.
If all you can do is cry - thats normal.
If you have trouble with the most minor decisions - thats normal.
If you can't taste your food or have any semblance of an appetite - thats normal.
If you have feelings of rage, denial and depression - thats normal.
If you find yourself enjoying a funny moment and immediately feel guilty - thats normal.
If your friends dwindle away and you feel like you have the plague - thats normal.
If your blood boils and the hair in your nose curls when someone tells you - 'It was Gods will' - thats normal.
If you cant talk about it but you can smash dishes, shred up old phone books or kick things - thats normal.
If you can share your story, your feelings with an understanding listener....another bereaved parent - thats a beginning.
If you can get a glimmer of your child's life, rather than his or her death - thats wonderful.
If you can remember your child with a smile - thats healing.
If you find your mirrors have become windows and you are able to reach out to other bereaved parents - thats growing.

Taken from a Compassionate Friends newsletter.

I just got a text off my brother....it said (remember that matt had a really quirky way of talking and couldn't pronounce some letters)

hiya little sis,

I was just thinking about Matt - LOL - do you remember him asking me for telt fip pens, and how he used to say bardecrue (BBQ). I think his best one was Woss Baggott (Russ Abbott) thinking about you sis xxx

Aw, that's lovely Shabbs - love the fact that your family still talk about him.

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Oh everybody talks about the lads in my family....sometimes my Mum kind of overwhelms me with it - I love her with all my heart but I get a bit shy - she tells me at least once a day that she doesn't know how I have got through it and how proud she is of me, says that she couldn't have got through the last few years like I have.....I know its silly of me to be like that - but Im not great at accepting praise

Mind you thats just me....and she is used to me by now

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Lovely to see you FM and Trips.

I'm sending lots of healing and strength vibes your dh's way Trips. It must be such a hard time for you all and seemingly never ending, however you are here posting with your usual grace and optimisim

Everytime I read your posts sassy I get pulled back nearly three years ago and I remember feeling everything you describe and I almost physically feel it too. Your honesty is refreshing, I'm aware that sounds odd but I can't think how else to say it. I don't seem to be very eloquent at the moment.

Evening ladies... I hope everyone is doing ok as possible.

Sassy - it is my hand in the picture! The bracelet is lovely and I will enjoy wearing it - I haven't been able to stop looking at it all day! Thanks for the add on FB. Response has been positive and people have been very kind about photos (yourself included!), but surprisingly a lot of the people who've commented or 'liked' status' over the last couple weeks are people who I'm not close to, people who I went to school with or something and haven't seen in years, quite a few are work collegues which is nice for them to be supportive, but those who I consider my closest friends haven't really commented on FB or in real life, my close friend especially have ignored my Belle album so far. It hurts to be honest that they have ignored her.

Thank you for commenting on the card photo from our birthdays (we're the day after eachother!) - I'd forgotten that was there on my profile and it was nice to be reminded. Those cards are in my pregnancy diary now - they made me sob when I looked at them shortly after Belle died. All the dreams, hopes and excitment. Even while she was growing we'd become a family.

Catherine is beautiful Sassy - she has such big sparkly eyes. Sending much love to you... x x x

I meant me and DH's birthdays are the day after eachother - hence the joint photo album. I read back and wasn't sure it made sense!

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Haha, I think we're both incurable romantics if I'm honest! I love our relationship; I sometimes look at some of our friends together and can't believe the way they treat and speak to eachother infront of other people and are glad me and DH are the way we are, we very rarely fall out and are completely genuine with eachother.

I know its early days since Belle fell asleep, and I know it is cliche but I truely believe that becoming a Mummy and Daddy and losing Belle has bought us closer together again. Its a simular feeling I had after we got married last summer - I can't put the feeling into words but I suppose its a case of being sure and secure it what you've got. We have often had comments from complete strangers how strong and together we appear, and this was before and since losing Belle.

Its been a difficult 1st year of marriage (massive understatment), DH nearly died because of our honeymoon (another long story but in a nutshell, numerous blood clots in lungs from flying over to St Lucia, became unwell while we were over there and developed pnemonia, lucky to get home alive and was in hospital for 2 weeks on our return) the joy and excitment of expecting Belle and now the complete world shattering heartbreak of losing her BUT I know to survive all of this in our first year of marriage means we can survive anything because NOTHING could possibly ever be as bad as this.

Sorry I went off on a complete unrelated tangent there!

I did see your wreath making attempt Sassy - how lovely that Catherine has something on her grave her Mummy made especially for her. I understand completely what you mean about a beautiful graveyard. The spot where Anabelle is buried is like a garden, lots of trees and plants around - its really pretty and peaceful.

I will go look at the other thread now...

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Wishing all a peaceful night. I have had too much wine to be of any help to anyone tonight but me and my DH have had a long talk and I think he may know how I feel now. xx

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You're right, some people were harsh on that thread. But I guess its just another example of not being able to understand at all.

Yes as well as the comments of how together we appear, we've also had those that have - to keep strong and support and be gentle with eachother, not to let this pull us apart. Why on earth would we let this pull us apart?

Goodnight ladies all, and sweet dreams to all our beloved children xx

Just back from my friends...Trips, I wish you had no reason whatsoever to be on here...but I am so glad you came to visit - IYKWIM???

My marriage of 32 years has struggled since Gareth died in 1982.....really, really struggled xxxx

I sometimes wonder if the manshape thinks i'm mad, yunno.

Obviously he wasn't Ciaran's father, and i know he hurts because he sees me hurting and can't make it better for me. I feel sometimes, since DH passed away, that i have no-one to share the grief with. I can't turn to the manshape and say 'remeber when i was pregnant and we saw Ciaran on the scan doing this or this?' because he wasn't part of that. I've shared Ciaran with him as much as i can, but i don't think he really gets it, he tries bless him, but he can't really comprehend how huge Ciaran's death was and is for me.

In a way i'm glad he doesn't know this level of pain, of hurt, of longing... but then i wonder at the unfairness of me having to carry it all on my own.