the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

Morning all.

Caz I see nothing wrong with having pictures of your daughter on you FB page if people dont want to see them they shouldn't look. Its your decision whether you put them up so i wouldnt worry. I have pictures of my db still up i refuse to take them down he is and always will be part of my family. I write on his wall somethimes and still have his mobile number in my phone.

I've been so wrapped up with things lately i nearly lost DS's nursery place. I should have taken him to a playday there and missed them. Luckily i explained why i missed it and she was fine as they hadn't been able to contact me oops

Im making the most of while ds is at preschool... instead of doing the ironing im searching for pictures of the front of a motorbike with no luck lol

I should have posted that earlier. As soon as i posted it i started finding the pictures i wanted

Morning folks.

Hope everyone is as ok as they can be. I'm feeling a bit... meh today. No particular reason. Well, actually there is - i want Ciaran here and can't have him.

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I would tell you that you'll feel better soon, that the pain won't be as acute, but honestly that's just bollocks. Instead i'll just hold your hand and give it a gentle squeeze every now and then x

Afternoon girls.

Been out and about for a while today with my Mum. Back home now and I'm feeling very anxious, I don't quite know why though - but I can feel panic rising and a sensation of dread in my chest. I hope DH gets home from work soon, I'm sure he'll calm me down. I might go for a lie down.

Hope you're as ok as you can be Caz x

Caz. Hope you are ok - I hate that feeling - take care, Hon x

I have spent all week struggling to put my thoughts into words.....think I know them now so please bear with me

I honestly, cross my heart, can tell everybody on here that this raw, painful, physical and mental anguish does subside. Honestly it does. It takes varying time for different people. I do think that we have to go through these horrific emotions to start to 'heal.'

Those early, heart wrenching moments have now gone for me. Every now and then they do bite my bum again but it is quite rare.

Im now struggling with the longing....the longing to just peep at my sons....the longing to have them here even if just for 5 minutes so I can simply say 'I love you' and hold them. I mainly smile now when I talk about them.

I want to try and help all you newly bereaved mums by telling you about my experience of this dreadful stuff. I also know that nothing I can say will help because at the moment it feels that nothing will help.

Please believe me that there are better days to come...I never ever stop thinking about my sons but older grief is gentler.

Hope I havent made things worse for anyone I just have wanted to post all week. xxxxxxx

Great post Shabbs

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Awww my dear buddy Triplets....we met up once about 8 years ago. Trips lives in Kent and Im in Lancashire. We met through Compassionate Friends and then a mutual friend was having a Wedding anniversary party just outside Manchester. We are in constant touch, on mumsnet, by email, text and phone calls. She is such a star.

Her husband is having chemo again for his cancer and Trips and her family are struggling from day to day. She is often on the multiples thread.

I will tell her you have been asking about her.

Our 'Matthews' brought us together and we are 'forever friends.'

thanks shabs you are so kind,letting us know that there will be light at the end of the tunnel one day xx

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Thanks ladies - feeling much less panicky after a long sleep. I won't sleep tonight now!

I think I've figured it out though - its a feeling of dread and panic because it is the weekend, which means FIL is back home, which means I'm axious about him turning up at the house, its a FIL panic. I'm bloody furious at myself that I've allowed him to add to my grief with his selfishness and in-sensitivity, why am I so bloody scared of him? I've always been a bit restless around him, the whole time I've been with DH, he's always made me feel uncomfortable but this time; I just don't feel like I can face him for a really long time. DH gets it, he totally understands the way I feel, he feels the same in a lot of respects but says I/we can't avoid his Dad forever. I know this - but I feel so vunerable at the moment I don't want to be around people who don't have it in them to protect me, be kind or sensitive about our loss.

Shab - I too am struggling to put my thoughts into words so they come across in the right way. You are such a comfort to me and I'm sure many others. I'm so new on this road, its all painful, nothing feels like it will ever be right again, I'm constantly angry, very bitter - I'm in a terrible place. But I do believe you that is must eventually get to better days. You offer a lot of hope and like lavandes says, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think you are a brave and inspirational lady.

Still awake... I need to stop these 'naps' - sleep cycle is all over the place!

Morning folks.

Caz Hope you managed to get some sleep sweetheart.

Thinking of you all today.

Morning xx

Caz - your sleeping will be all over the place....I couldn't stay awake for a long time. I probably slept 20 hours a day - all in little bits and pieces. None of the sleep I got felt beneficial - IYKWIM.

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Morning, I went to sleep finally about 5 and woke up at 10.

Anabelle's bracelet has arrived this morning. (The other days parcel was a transformer toy my DH had ordered - and yes the toy is for himself, such a big kid) - the bracelet is beautiful. A heart charm with her miniturised handprint on one side and her name engraved on the other. Its bittersweet though - I'm pleased its arrived, I'm glad I have a little piece of her to wear, but its also made me sad. I miss my baby so much.

Hope everyone has a calm and peaceful day.

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Oh Sassy, it sounds so hard for you. I don't think you're going insane, it may feel like it, and it may even be a grateful release, but i do think it's normal.

In the first few weeks/months after Ciarans death i used to think about the seconds, the minutes, the hours. My goal would be to get through each hour, and suddenly a few of them would have gone by, bringing me closer to bedtime when, if i could actually sleep, it would mean that i had survived another day.

I so wish that i could make things better for you, that i could take away the hurt. I don't know, sometimes i was grateful that i hurt, bcause it meant that i could still feel, especially when i was in the stage of thinking that nothing could ever hurt me again as the worst possible hurt i could imagine had already happened.

I've come to the conclusion that grief and pain are the price we humans pay for the love and total commitment we have for another person. The more we love, the greater the pain. But, would we have it any other way?

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