the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

sassy thanks for that I think I will call on my next day off. Like you say it may help and I do need help at the moment. Hope you have a peaceful day soon xx

Thanks all - we've had another good cry and nap together. DH says he thinks it was things having to go back to 'normal' - because life has to go on and theres nothing we can do to stop it. We both just want to go back to when Belle was moving around inside me, the excitement of waiting for her to arrive but we can't have her back and so normality is being forced back on us.

We're both feeling "what is the point of anything anymore" - I know we have to get past this, and force ourselves to get on, but I don't want to yet. I thought we were doing well, but the closer we get to our due date the worse we and it all seems to get, like that date will be the final nail, the final realisation that she's never ever going to be with us. The hurting and pain is getting worse and worse.

DH also said sitting at his desk was just another realisation of something he would never do with Belle, he'd so been looking forward to going into work to show her off in her pram, yet he was returning to work empty and broken.

I know time will heal - but healing seems such a long way off. I even don't want to heal yet, but the pain and anger and everything we're feeling is unbearable too and nothing makes sense.

I'm not sure I'm even making sense tonight!!

DH has phoned our pregnancy photographer tonight - we'd been having shoots every few weeks from 12 weeks as a record of how we were growing, and there was going to be a lovely newborn shoot at the end. The last shoot was 2 days before Belle died, and the only shoot to include DH in it too - and he wasn't supposed to be. We only asked for him to be in this one, as well as the next one because of the prem-labour the week before, incase she tried to arrive early again. Its all so - but I think really poigniant too that DH is with me and bump. I think we want the photos soon, as painful as they'll be. They are part of our memories of Belle and shows just how big I/she was when she died, I also consider the last ones to be some of our family photos now. The photographer is lovely and has said she'll give us all the photos on CD so we can use them as we like and she's going to make a memory DVD (her idea) of selected shots from all the shoots for us set to the music we played at Belle's funeral.

Sassy - the SANDS charity has a helpline number, I think its a simular service to the one you use and find useful. I haven't used it yet, not sure I will at the moment, but I'll post the number here for those in same situation as myself. 020 7436 5881

Hi all, I am around, just finding things a bit difficult and strange at the moment. I know it's because it's C's birthday at the end of the month, but I can't seem to quite put my finger on what I am feeling.

Belle is gorgeous Caz, such petite and perfect hands.

The man who lead C's funeral (it was a humanist ceremony) had lost a son, and talking to another bereaved parent in the early days really did help. It gave us a thread to hold onto that things would feel better one day. I held onto that glimmer of hope very tightly.

I'm glad this thread is here and helps so many of us. Hopefully I'll be back on form soon.

Hi ladies

Caz I hope you didn't think I was blasé about your DH going to work this morning. Returning to work is a personal thing and everyone is different in whether it helps or not. Although my DH found it hard I think he now finds the normality of it helps him. I'm going to pop in to my school briefly tomorrow, I know I'll cry when I get there just as I did last time but I'm hoping it will make my return in September a little easier. Tbh I am dreading going back in September but I know it will be the best thing for me. You and your husband need to do what's right for you x

We have a friend who is a photographer and he has. Started doing those shoots. He asked me if I was interested and I didn't take him up on the offer, I wish I had now DH is a keen photographer so I have got quite a few photos of me pregnant. Take care sweetheart and look after yourself X

On the

On the subject of talking to other bereaved parents, we found the sands meeting helpful, just being in the same room as other parents who have experienced something similar was strangely comforting x

Shabs I'm so please Beth is home!!!
Caz your DH did so well going to work in the first place. That in itself is a huge achievement in my book whether he stayed 2 and a half hours or a full day. He should be proud of himself for trying and getting himself there. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
Hope everyone else is well.

I've had an emotional day to say the least. Went to my parents house to read the statements from police officers/witnesses and and the twat that killed my brother. Sorry for the colourful language but reading his statement has hurt me soooo much and raised a huge amount of questions. He said he 'feel like shit' because he feels abd for us and hurting matt nd other people, Im sorry he has never said anything like that too us either personally or though the FLO. We'll have a meeting with a police officer soon to answer our questions 1 of my main ones is why/how did the solicitor know about DB sustaining head injuries when we hadn't been informed of this. I noticed it in the interview where my parents hadn't so pleased i read them too.
I finally told my mum about my mc and upset her that i hadnt gone to her sooner so she could be there for me. Went hospital on my own which she didnt like as DH was at work. Mum told dad and he was angry i hadnt went to them. Just because db and I come first and I had put myself last and they felt i couldn't talk to them. I got the reaction i expected tbh but i was being my usual daft self and thinking of everyone else before myself. Mum told me I'm not allowd to do it again or she wont speak to me for at least a week lol and she's surposed to worry she's my mum. Which i know.

Sorry to go on a bit just thought i'd try update as fully as i could. I feel like i havent been on for ages.

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Minione - I didn't think you were being blase at all chick. I know everyone is different, I'm sure we'll get to the stage where normality will help. It's just all so raw still for now and neither of us are handling it very well.

I think you're so brave facing school.

I thought about popping in to see my class this week before school breaks - I am sort of missing my little ones. I teach in a special school and my class is for children with profound and multiple learning disabilities (PMLD), they are all little treasures and I'll have the same class on my return. There's only one PMLD class in the primary department of the school so children with PMLD are with me from aged 3-11. But the thought of even popping into school started me off on a mini panic and felt sick so I don't think I'm up to facing the 70+ staff offering consolances/avoiding me quite yet.

Why is it so scary having to face people? I never understood before, I still don't quite get it now, but I know I really have to build myself up to it at the moment.

However I've arranged and I'm going to be brave enough tomorrow today (suddenly passed midnight!) to meet two of my teacher friends for lunch. That'll be a good start I reckon, its only an hour, I'm close to these people, we work together every day and often lunch out! Then face the actual building with all the people after the holidays and then think about going back to work... I think that's best for me at the moment.

Sassy - Thank you for poem, I've copy and pasted it to save it. It is strangely comforting.

Ventured to the cinema tonight with SIL - that took a lot of building up to too. I'm sorta glad I went, I nearly bailed, but I guess these are the sorts of things I need to make myself do. We watched Sex and the City 2, I even laughed. Does anyone else feel guilty when they smile or laugh?

Morning girls xx

Oh yes felt guilty about laughing for quite a while....now though I can laugh at my memories of the lads and I never thought that would happen. x

Morning...

Feeling quite productive for 9.30am. Maybe this is going to be a good day. White washing hung up to dry, coloured wash on, dishwasher filled and on, even thought as far ahead as what to cook DH for tea when he gets home from work and meat is out of the freezer defrosting.

I think my bracelet with Belle's name and handprint engraved on it is waiting at the post office collection for me. Postman didn't try very hard to deliver it this morning - we were still in bed, awake, and there was this one faintest knock on the letterbox, so faint we thought it was next doors and ignored it. And that was it - he didn't even try a 2nd time and just chucked the red collection notice through the door.... I hope it is the bracelet, they said within 4 weeks and we're at 3 and a half now. We ordered the special kit thing from Pitter Patterns to take her handprints that then they somehow get put onto jewellery while we were waiting for labour to start. We thought it would be a way of keeping a little bit of her close to me always. DH is considering a tattoo to do the same.

Morning.

Caz The bracelet sounds lovely and your DH thinking of a tattoo could show so much too. I think its a very personal thing of how to remember people whether it be jewellary or tattoos. I've said before i carry some of my db's ashes in a necklace that i never take off (apart from honeymoon as i was scared they'd take it off me), I have 1 tattoo for my 2 db's and I, intwined circles and I currently have another one being designed in memory of db. I cant wait to see what the tattooist comes up with, He knows the reason i want it and i like my tatoos being different. It will be the front of my db's bike and angel wings. It may sound random but the bike was db's baby and it ties in with the poem i read as part of my eulogy at his funeral. The last 1 i had i chose out of a book and he altered bits of it so it was more unique for me.
I don't know if your DH has any tattoos already but i would reccomend spending a bit of time researching and once decided on a design keep a picture to keep looking at to make sure he's happy with it before getting it done.

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Thanks for advice Shelley - DH doesn't have any other tattoos, he's played around with the idea of getting one for years but decided in the end that he didn't want one unless it really meant something to him/us. It really means something now.

Not going to rush at all though, he wants to find a really good artist because he quite likes the idea of Belle's handprint being copied if it is feasable, but we will need someone super amazing to do a good job of that. He has a friend in work who is into his tattoos so he's going to discuss it and finding a good artist with him when he feels up to it.

Right building up to leaving for lunch now... deep breaths!

Thats a good idea with the handprint. Im sure it could be done.Its best to get reccomendations from friends for a tatto artist as you can see some of their work too. All my tattoos (currently have 4) mean something to me, meanings vary from my starsign to my brothers and i always being together and linked, then have ds's name and a rose and hearts for DH and I. So they look really random. Next one is the 1 for db which will be obvious what it means unlike the others. I'm thinking of getting a star or a dove attached to the rose on my leg but that wont be for a while yet.

Hope lunch goes well will be thinking of you. x

Thought this may bring a smile....

Sat on the settee with Lewis yesterday.

I had my arm around him and we were snuggling.

He kept starring at my chest

Lew: Anma! Anma!!

Me: What do you want darling.

Lew: Anma - me wov your nip nips!!!

Me: What are nip nips Lew?

Lew: Dem are nip nips Anma -

Where did that sweet little baby go to? Who replaced him with a 2 yr old who will only watch the music channel on TV all day?

haha shabs thats great. It reminds me of DS the other week.

DS: Mummy what are these (pointing)
ME: There nipples ds
DS: Mummy I've got nickles

they are so great are kids arent theyx went to watch granddaughters leaving assembly yesterday,and they sang somewhere over the rainbow,so meaningful,it made me cry,god shes grown up so quick,and going to junior school,shes brillantx

Hi ladies, went into school for a couple of hours, just to see my department. Didn't see any students but was good to catch up with people. I'm dreading September though, it will be hard seeing the kids again.

Caz. Hope you had a nice lunch! One of the ladies I met at the sands meeting had a tattoo of her baby's handprints, I thought it was a sweet idea and I'm not normally a fan of tattoos! Having said that I've thought it would be nice to have something small and discreet in memory of Malachy, perhaps a little star or something.

Hope everyone is ok, we are about to brave Tesco so wish me luck!

Good for you Minione - you're so much braver than I'm being! I had a good lunch though and glad I met my friends, a positive step I think. They were really good and said that when I was ready to go into the school building one of them would meet me somewhere and walk me in so I didn't have to walk in on my own and suddenly be faced with a crowd of people.

What happened exactly at the SANDS meeting you went to? Was it just like an informal type coffee morning chat amongst yourselves type thing or was it more structured? I'm just trying to figure out if its worth discussing with DH about us going to a SANDS meet. I think he would take some persuading. Not sure I even want to go to a group right now, but who knows how I'll feel in another few weeks - as you said you found it helpful I'm just wondering what to expect if we did decide to go to one.

Hope your Tesco trip went ok.

DH found work better than yesterday - he did just over 5 hours today, so I'm really proud of him. Although he did ring me upset at dinner time because somebody from the canteen staff asked him how much longer was left until the baby was due, and he'd had to explain we'd lost her. I'm surprised the news hadn't filtered through to everyone yet, so horrible for DH.

Hope everyone has had peaceful days.

Caz it's great that you met your friends today and that they will meet you and go into work with you. Your poor Dh, that's what I am dreading. I want to go in on results day but I'm not sure if the gcse and a level students know as they had already gone on study leave. they were so excited that I would be in on results day with a baby, some had given me suggestions for names, one lad even had a nickname for the baby

The sands meeting was pretty informal, we had a cup of tea and sat in a circle and just chatted. Nobody was forced to and there was one guy who didn't want to be there but by the end of the session he said that he was glad he came. The session we went to was 8 til 10 ( pm) but it actually ran on til 10.30! I found it useful, there were 4 couples including ourselves and the couple who run it so it wasn't a big group but not so few that it was uncomfortable in any way. Have a think about it and chat to your husband, you might
need a bit more time before you decide to go. I think we're both being brave as are all the other ladies on this thread ( and partners too!)

I

Morning girls xx

Made the brave (I hope its brave and I'm not going to get flayed or anything - and I don't mean on here!) decision last night to make an album of my Belle on FB.... I am nervous of peoples reaction to a dead baby on my page but its been eating at me, like something was missing on there and I don't want to hide her away, she's beautiful, I'm proud of her, and she's still my baby, whether she's still here or not. I would've celebrated her on FB if she'd survived, so I don't see why I can't now. She's very much a part of me - I felt uncomfortable having pictures of me, DH and our kittycat on FB but no pics of our daughter - it didn't feel right. So she's there now, and I feel much better, like our entire family is included and no-one is forgotten.

Morning all. I have the police arriving in half an hour....... Someone has stolen Wilfs building society book whilst it was in the post!! I have to make a report and everything because of Identity theft!!

Caz I have pictures of my sons on FBook as well....I do think you are brave and agree with your words. Im sure you already know but you can make it so that only friends on your list can see your pictures. Thats what I have done on mine so that only people that are important to me can see them.

Lottie - good luck, hope you get it sorted xx