the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

Hi everyone.

Sassy, that's so sad. I'm sending you lots of hugs and support tonight. Facebook is a bastard like that; I have friends with babies who were born around the same time as Archie, and I know I should stay away, but i can't - and its utter torture

Travelling and Sassy - thankyou so much. Just saying you'd like to see Belle has bought me much comfort after a shite couple of days. I've uploaded Belle's photo to my MN profile and even though I have tears streaming again I feel like I've celebrated her now, and that she isn't so forgotten by the world. This is my baby and I'm very proud of her.

Oh Caz that you for letting me 'meet' your precious little girl. Thank you xxxxxx Thinking of you tonight xxxx

Morning girls xx

Oh Caz, Belle is so beautiful - thank you for sharing her with us.

It's funny, isn't it, how different we all are, even though we share this grief. I have always been very private about Ciaran, in so much as i don't have any photographs of him where other people could see him - i have one of him on my bedside cabinet, but other then that there are none of him put up. I guess that it's because i don't want to share him with just anyone - his photographs are only for those who love him, does that make any sense? They aren't for just anyone to look at, iyswim? Only a few people outside of my family and close friends have seen pictuers of him. Hell, it was only a couple of months ago that i showed the manshapes ma a photo of him. Am i weird?

Thanks for sharing her with us Caz. Lovely pic.

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Morning all xx

Caz thank you so much for sharing Belles picture with us , she looks perfect , and what a great weight for 32 weeks .It really is shite isn't it ?

Sassy how you doing today ? That must have been so hard to read about her dd having cp and then having her happy ending . All this sadness has definetly taught me that we are all just a gnats fart away from a different life .

caz your baby is beautiful, so perfect. Life is so cruel. Take all the support you are offered and as for going back to work it is your business and your decision, no-one can make it for you. take care xx

sassy how are you today?

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sassy I feel much the same all the time. I think about Richard all the time no matter what I am doing he is in my head all the time. I don't think that the shock has passed yet, I still can't believe that he won't phone me again, I just long to hear his voice and everything will be OK again. To the outside world I probably seem OK but I'm not. I feel very lonely. xx

Caz, that is a gorgeous photo, such a beautiful little girl.

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Pixie - why would anyone want to report your post?

Sassy - we went on holiday after Matt was killed. Our local pub had a fund raising night and then the landlady took us to the travel agents. She bought us our flights to go to Paderborn, Germany. Thats where DH's youngest brother and his family live.

We just couldn't make any effort to even barely function at the time but we went to Germany and we enjoyed being around BIL and his family. They were so kind to us - listened if we wanted to talk, fed us, got us drunk, laughed and cried with us.

BUT the idea of going on a beach holiday without Matt and Gareth was something I would have found very, very hard.

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I agree Sassy. xxxxx

Big thanks to you all ladies... such kinds words from everyone. I'm in tears (again) but as well as my tears being sadness, this time its also because other people have seen the beauty in Belle that I can see. Even though of course I am biased - I'm her proud Mummy! Its just so so unfair she never had her chance.

Its so unfair that everyone here is hurting in the worst possible way. Everything about it all is unfair.

Pixie - why would I/we report you're lovely post?! Thank you.

What is the obsession with 'going on holiday' - everyone is suggesting to us too we should book one. Why? What will it achieve? Must be another one of those things that people think is the right thing for grieving parents to do, something else to say to us other than how sorry they are.

Haven't long woken up, and that only cuz I forced myself to wake up. So could've easily gone back to sleep again. I think its because DH and me shed a lot of tears together again last night, late into the night - its all so draining, neither of us are in a good way. He also said he's spent a while earlier on in the day crying with his best man when he popped up there for half hour. He's very anxious about going back to work tomorrow, I'm anxious about him going.

I best go shower and dress!

Caz Belle is beautiful, a perfect little baby. We don't have any photos of Malachy and I'm disgusted by myself that I didn't actually see him. He had died almost a week before and we were told his skin had maserated badly and I might find it distressing . I was so screwed up from the morphine and physically weak (I lost a lot of blood and the placenta wouldn't come out) I just couldn't see him like that. I regret this everyday. DH went to see him and now regrets not taking photos but he said he felt awkward at the time. I have lots if scan photos and a 3d scan and his hand and foot prints but I feel I let him down (again). I feel selfish and I love him no matter what but it was just too much. The midwife also said ' you know he's down syndrome' the amnio had come back negative for downs but he probably had another syndrome but we won't know about this tell the postmortem results come back. He was only 3 pounds 6 but he had died before 30 weeks so he wasn't tiny for his age. DH said he was tall/long ( like him) and had some blond hair (again like him). I'm sure a lot of you will think I'm hard for not seeing I just couldn't at the time. Now I'm in floods of tears typing this wishing I had, wishing I'd held him and once again I let my precious baby down.

Minione it must be very hard for you to have missed the chance to see Malachy. In the shock of it all we have to make decisions abut such huge important things; I can't imagine anyone here thinking you hard for not seeing him, or thinking you let him down.

Thanks Zeno. I wish I had but it was all too much at the time. I feel like a coward and that I couldn't even do that for him. Sorry ladies, I'm having a bad day x

Cazem,Bella is beatiful,just like her name,and she shares a birthday with my son,but he was born in 1985,so that makes me old.
thanks for sharing her,big hugsx

Mini - there is no way, whatsoever, you let your little man down. When we are faced with such an overwhelming time like you had - we do what we can with what we have got at that time.......He loves you and you both love him.

Sending much love and massive hugs xxxx

Oh Minone - I'm so sorry for you. I'm sorry you don't have photos, its made me cross at myself that I was so concerned with being able to show others mine when you don't have that. I don't think you're hard at all, you were going through the worst experience of your life, you are not selfish, nore did you let your precious Malachy down. You were not well, drugged to the eyeballs, I remember only too well not being able to make any decisions for myself and DH having to, and asking the MW to stick to what we'd written down for them. I'm glad we'd sat down and written exactly what we wanted before I went into labour, because I too would've been in no state to make decisions or know what I wanted after it started. Please be kind to yourself.

Everyone deals with things in different ways and I'm slowly learning there is no right or wrong way to do anything in this - just do what it takes to get through the day. You did what you had to do to get through it. Its not wrong and it doesn't make you hard or uncaring. I'm crying for you. I hope the hospital supported you properly. I totally understand having regrets - I think its unavoidable and completely normal, I wish I knew a way we could let go of them, instead of them eating away. I suppose there will always be things we wish we'd done differently.

I'm still battling the unrelenting feeling of letting Belle down, failing her completely - why didn't I phone the hospital the night before? I hadn't felt her move all day, but because I'd found her heartbeat on our monitor before going to bed I decided to wait until the morning to ring the hospital if I still hadnt felt her - she died overnight. Maybe just maybe if I'd gone to the hospital the Tuesday night she'd still be here, or I could've given the Drs a chance at least of saving her. I neglected her by not going in sooner, I feel like its all my fault this happened, I didn't keep her safe. But I also know this is not rational thinking, I just can't get past these thoughts at the moment. I'm sure its the same for you - you did nothing wrong Minone - I hope this post has come across in the way it is intended, I feel a bit like I'm rambling. Sending you much love and thoughts. x x x