the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

Caz you will always be your DD's Mum - you will always be - forever and a day........I know you dont want to listen to me BUT it will get easier I promise you that with all my heart - I cant believe how much easier it goes with the passing of time.

Sassy - every time I write your name I think of the song on Catherines video...'you could be anything that you wanted to be.....' stuff like the Spiritualist church cant harm anybody....when you are there you sit with 'like minded' people who have suffered a bereavement.

I just wanted to come on here and say that .......I know we are all struggling with the loss of a precious child....even those of us who have lost an adult child, an older child, a dear precious baby who didnt make it....we are all kind of in the same boat. We come here because nobody judges us....nobody says YABU...Nobody laughs....everybody cares and does not judge.

For you newly bereaved mums you might think I am loosing my mind - BUT on July 21st it will be my darling little man - Gareths - 28th remember day....28 years of longing, 28 years of missing him...but I forgot until tonight when me and my best friend Chelle were talking. Thats what happens when your grief gets older.....I loved him before he was here, I loved him when he was here and I will love him forever more...xxxxx

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx

shabs you brought tears to my eyesxx big hugsxx

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Neither do I Sassy xx

We need a special smiley here for

Re alcoholic haze, I was bitterly resentful of being pg at the time of dd's death, meaning that I couldn't go off and be stupid with drink drugs and other risky behaviours like driving off the road. Dh and I both blottoed at times after my sister's death and I'm grateful now that we didn't go through that particular pain again. There's no escape there, but it's a hard temptation to resist when nothing makes sense anymore.

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xxx

Morning all. Hope your all well.

sassy sorry you are feeling so crap today. Life is so unfair. Sometimes I think I am doing OK and other times I think that I cannot stand it for another minute. But your situation is so different from mine. Richard was grown up and living away from us, so my day to day life is no different. It is dreadful for you to have lost Catherine so young. I know how awful my pain is but I cannot imagine what yours must be, I am thinking of you today take care xx

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Sassy I didn't realise how many people had experience of this until it happened to me. It still seems to be something that's not talked about. I'm finding that now, noone seems to want to talk about malachy. I've gone from being pregnant and everybody talking about it to nothing.

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Hey all - not really in a much better place today. I'm being really snappy with DH, and feeling really cross at myself for being snappy because he doesn't deserve it.

Minone - totally relating to what you say about people not wanting to talk about Malachy, I'm finding it pretty much the same with Anabelle. Like Sassy said - talk about him here, all the time!

I hate that my baby makes everyone uncomfortable. I think thats why I'm so angry the last couple of days - seeing everyone elses babies celebrated and cooed over yet not being able to show photographs of my precious girl because showing pictures of dead babies isn't the done thing. I feel like we're all forgotten about - but I had a baby, she was real, she is real, she belongs to me and I can't celebrate her beautiful little self with anyone. So for most people, it will be like she never existed, because we mustn't make people uncomfortable now must we.

One of my friends also pissed me off today - had a text this morning. "How are you doing? Are you back in work yet?" - WTF, am I back in work? Idiots, all of them. I only gave birth 3 WEEKS AGO - its been the longest 3 weeks of my life but it was only inbelievably 3 weeks, and she was only buried 2 weeks ago and am I back in work? Really. Would I be back in work yet if I'd given birth 3 weeks ago in normal circumstances? Some people are just so unbelievably insensitive. Yes must be already time to put it all behind me. Don't people realise nothing is ever going to be the same again?

I have had a look at that BBC article. I was shocked by the statistic of stillbirths too when I looked on the SANDS website. No-one is aware how often it happens because as we're finding out no-one talks about it. Stillbirth is such a taboo subject evidently. I'm annoyed at myself though for taking my pregnancy for granted, and for being shocked by the statistic. Something bad happening and stillbirth didn't cross my mind - but it should've. I knew it happened, my cousin was stillborn, this is the 2nd stillbirth in our family in just over a decade. But its like I'd 'forgotten' (and Andrew my cousin is regulaly talked about amongst the family) that is could happen, or a case of 'it won't happen to me'.

We went up the cemetery today to see Anabelle and clear all the dead flowers off her grave and place fresh ones. Stuck with pink and white flowers for her and we bought a ceramic pink heart that could be stuck into the ground to mark her grave. It looks really pretty. It looks like the pink heart balloon we sent to her the evening of her funeral. It just makes me so sad that I'm thinking of ways to make her grave pretty. She should'nt be in a grave, she should be looking pretty here with me.

My heart and chest is literally aching tonight, like it really could break.

Caz the physical pain of bereavement really, really hurts. I found myself sighing constantly and rubbing my chin on the top of my shoulder???? I had no idea why I did it but I couldn't stop it. I also got awful indigestion wether I ate something or not - awful heart burn.

We talk about everything in this country - sex, drugs, rape, racisim, violence, marriage, birth etc etc but, especially when it is a child (or young adult) we are useless at talking about death. Nobody, except other young children, will say the word, nobody will say, 'tell me what happened to your child!'

Wether that is us, as a nation, I dont know.

Thanks Sassy x

Caz I found myself feeling guilty about not going back to work til September ( I'm a teacher). The chair of governors who is also a neighbour ( and don't get me wrong she did lots for us and is very kind) said about going at different times before the end of term. I did go in to see my dept last Monday but there's no way I can go back to work, hopefully i will be ready in September. I gave birth a month ago, if malachy was alive I wouldn't feel this pressure! To be fair, my head of dept is lovely and she understood if I was going to take my full maternity but not everyone sees it like that.

Minione - yup I felt guilty about my reports going out late, because even though they were written before all this happened I didn't send them into school until after the funeral. And then I thought, why am I feeling guilty - does it really matter if parents get their reports late. No. I think you're very strong for even considering going back in September. I don't think I intend to take my full maternity leave but I can't face September - maybe after Oct half term, but then again maybe not. Its not like I supposed to be there anyway - so what difference does it really make to the school.... take your time sweetheart! x x

Caz , I would love to see a picture of Annabelle and I know I am not alone . I do know what you mean about not being able to share pictures and memories of our children . It is a rare moment in this house if someone comes in and notices Harrys pictures and actually ask about him .Big hugs to you xx

I can so feel the pain and hurt in your posts and I know that part of you wants to stay this way forever and part of you wants to feel "normal" again but I promise you life will reach a level again one day where all this pain will be balanced out with some pleasure .

Susan , that is ridiculous that even the church have shied away from mentioning Catherines name . Thank goodness there are still people about like the woman who bought flowers for her .

The physical pain bit really alarmed me after my sister died. I felt as if an iron bar was wrapped around my chest, right on the bra strap line; sooooooo painful.

It did go away in the end, but returned big style when dd died. A very distinct pain, and nothing but time passing has ever helped with it.

Sassy I'm so sorry your friend said that about the pre-school. Ouch. Things like that reveal a gulf of incomprehension and lack of empathy that can make it very hard to be around some of the people to whom we've been close. .... Or, to put it another way, what a twunty thing to say to you, and on your behalf.

I don't know whether I will be ready in Sept, I guess I'll see. At the moment it seems a long way away so I'm hoping I will be. It will be hard continuing with the groups I've taught whilst pregnant and my tutor group will be coming back as post 16, they were so happy and excited for me . My DH starts a new job in September, has to go in tomorrow, he's being so brave and strong x

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