the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

No dont think like that love...please dont.

These 'bad days' will slowly start to change - I promise you. You have to be 'kind to yourself' you have to try and sort out in your own mind the awful, awful thing that has happened. Please dont try and put on a brave face on here - I tried the brave face thing and it does not work.

I am more than willing to talk until I am hoarse to you either on mumsnet or Facebook. Remember the saying 'you cant judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes?' Well, over these last few years I have walked a million miles in the shoes you are just putting on. I will always listen and try to help you.

I know that my sons would want me to help you and I want to as well. The only way through this quicksand is talking....talking and time make things a little better.

OMG I was so weird last night. My best friend, Chelle, had a house full of us! I ended up having sprint races up and down her street with her SIL - neither of us are skinny girls so I would have loved to see us running. Bums and boobs bouncing. I got a road works sign (have no idea where I found it) and put it in Chelles garden!!!!! I remember clearly one point where I was being too sarcastic and Chelle laughed so much her drink came down her nose. Reckon it might be time I grew up a bit as I approach my 54th birthday at Xmas!!!

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Oh yes I am up for a 'thread night out'

About a year ago on the multiples thread (I love the multiples d'y ever thread) one of the Mums was getting married. We had a virtual hen night and we all got beyond giddy - it was hysterical - we all had a drink and nibbles in our own house but we were virtually drunk and giddy!!!!!

In the middle of our virtual hen night we got a new multiple mum on - within seconds we all 'sobered up' and started being really serious and giving advice and everything - except for me!!! I just carried on doing the dance to Agadoo and arsing about - pmsl - then I tried to 'pull it back' but couldnt!!! I love having a good time....I adore sarcastic humour, music and having a drink. I often go very far over the top but I dont give a flying 'you know what'

My friend Chelle is out on another friends hen night and Im at her house. Cant afford to go on the hen night so I've got everybodys kids here - about a dozen of them and they are being brilliant - thanks to wii's and laptops. Youngest is 8 years old and the rest are 11-13 years old.

Am I normal. I am still so upset. I cannot talk about Richard's death without crying. My husband thinks that I need outside help. (He is able to compartmentalise (probably spelt wrong)Has anyone tried councelling or spoken to Cruse. He is right I am in the same place I was weeks ago. Richard died 13 weeks ago tomorrow (Sunday) to me it is today. He cannot understand why I cannot see a future when I still have another son and a grandson as well as him, but I am desolate, I do not want to wake up each day.

Morning girls xx

Lavendes you sound totally normal to me. I have seen a psychiatrist but didn't feel like it had done me any good at all. I bet there isin't one mum/gran/sibling on this thread that hasn't felt the way you describe that you feel. Totally, totally normal xxxx

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Sassy and about your dream. You are doing well love - its so very, very hard at the 'beginning' i shudder when I think about it. Nobody else and nothing else can replace our precious children. The one thing that kept me going after I lost my boys was Danny - I would look at him at night when he was asleep and think 'You cant give up you have to keep going.'

Catherine will be with you forever - very sadly not physically but she will never leave you. She will be pushing you on and saying 'Come on Mum you can do it.' I dont know why we have all had to go through this awful experience, I wish I did know. Together we can all wade through the grief - we all support each other and prop each other up on bad days xxxx

Gah, just typed a long message and the gremlins got it!

I had counselling after Ciaran died. I didn't wait six months. I went to CRUSE, and i was lucky enough to see a wonderful woman who understood completely. Because she wasn't emotionally involved i was able to take my mask off with her, and just be. I really do believe she helped me.

Sassy - i saw the photo of Catherine you have on FB - you have a beautiful daughter. I think she looks a lot like you.

What s fool I made of myself last night - we went to the pub, DH (driving) and two of our male friends. 3 glasses of wine (I'll admit large) - boys wants food on way home. As soon as I smell that food I started to feel sick, puke a little out the car door and demand that DH take me to my parents house cuz I couldn't cope with driving around dropping people home and had no chance of getting back to our house. We were in Cwmbran and we live the other side of Newport. So into my parents house at 12.30 - feeling the teenager again, Mum luckily is still awake - straight in the toilet, puking my guts up and Mum looking after me. I've spent the night here and just got up. My head really hurts - not that I don't deserve it. Drinking on an empty stomach wasn't an amazing idea but I just don't have much of an appetite at the moment, I'm eating one meal a day and maybe a few snacks. I'm so embarrassed I was that stage of drunk infron of our soberish friends and embarrassed that I ended up at my parenst house as a grown woman like this.

If I'm honest drinking seemed like a good way to try and drown out the pain for a while - quickly learnt being sick and the subsequent hangover is never a good idea. Alao, the pain resurfaced quickly, spent a good 10 mins sobbing while on the toilet in the pub looking at photos on my phone of Belle.

I also think, if I'm really honest we've spent the last couple of days at a ridiculous pace, trying to stop it all hurting so badly. Day trips around the country, stayed with my SIL (well not officially!) in Plymotuh Friday night just to keep busy and avoid the pain. Nothing s really helping below the surface.

Also avoid FIL incase he decided to turn up at our house this weekend. After last weekend, I'm still hurt and do not feel strong enough for a confrontation, and I know he will want one soon. (works away during week) DH went home after dropping off his friends last night, so I'll find out soon whether his father did turn up at the house this morning, while I was safe here. I'm sure that thought crossed my mind last night, "if I go to Mums I'll be safe and won't have to deal with any shit in the morning."

I don't think I'm making much sense this morning. I need to go and have a shower.

Love to all - I haven't had time to catch up properly, but I will later when I'm hopefully feeling better, physically at least anyway.

Caz - my friend, I've 'been there and done that'

I drank to major excess after Matt was killed....started to hide bottles in the house and was drinking most of the day. After a few months I remember looking at a sleeping DS1 and thinking just what a fool I was being. I just wanted to make the pain go away....all I was doing was hurting myself but it was hard to stop drinking so much.

Now I have the odd night of too much alcohol (like Friday LOL) but I dont need a drink every day now.

Im sure your Mum wouldn't have minded at all my love - she will be searching for a way to help you...my Mum said she had no idea what to do or say that would help.

Hope you soon feel loads better xxxxx

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right sassy .. you have just spooked me

I was mid post and the first line of it was ...

You won't find the answer in the bottom of a bottle. I know. I've looked.

I got distracted by my oven timer and when i came back I saw your post

I find when I am having a bad patch the alcohol doesnt work.. just makes me more weepy ..

Cazem dont worry what others think.. you are having to cope with the worst thing a mother has to.. no-one has the right to judge.

anyway..early days are sooo hard.. you have to take life in small small bits..takeit an hour at a time at first- dont think ahead you will just see darkness. As time passes you will find you can look further and further ahead and one day you will find you can look forward to things like hols again.

Other children dont make the pain of your missing child any less so.. they just give you someone to focus your attention on, to cuddle and to pour your love onto

Sassy - its just the way FIL is. Also DH went and saw him last Sunday night and thought when he left it was resolved and that was the end of it. Monday morning we're getting texts off DH stepmum saying how things need sorting out. So FIL obviously kicked off again after DH had left and he hadn't taken a blind bit of notice of what DH had to say. I'm just not in the mood for him and his selfish attitude and self-centered childish concerns, when the priority isn't him, its us and our grief and our darling baby girl - so avoiding him instead. But yes you're right - it does need sorting out because I should have to feel like avoiding my home.

Not in a good place today, - I really want to shout FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE to everyone having happy news in the world, and just the world in general. I just feel like everyone is out to kick us in the teeth and just laughing at us. On top of a hangover I've been given this news today - My cousins SIL to be had her baby last night, it turned out to be a girl. I knew the news was coming, our due dates were exactly a month apart - but its still put me in a really dark place. I'm still trying to go to my cousins wedding in 3 weeks, because in theory people only get married once and I somehow dont want to miss it. Now I'll be faced with a baby, which of course I'd already figured out, but why a bloody girl - why couldn't it be a boy? I just feel like our noses are being rubbed in it, and like the world is saying "look other women can manage it, they can keep babies alive and look how you failed." I couldn't even do the basic of things a woman is designed to do. I'm in a bad way today. Fuck off world.

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I went to the local Spiritualist church Sassy....found it a great comfort.

Have also had a private reading with a local Medium and been to see him work at local theatre and got messages each time. I dont know if it is 'for real' but I dont care it 'works' for me xx

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I've been to the spiritualist church too,. First time we went was just after Matt's funeral. There were lots of things that ment nothing to tjhe people wwho were being spoke to but were big parts of matt or had relevance to us. Things like my parents house number, boots dad was wearing DB's boots and 3 people being at the funeral home there was something about the coffin (was personalised) and something was put in his top pocket or where that would be. I put db's buttonhole with him the morning of the funeral. I'm going in a few weeks with my mum.

Sassy the medium I always see came into the audience at the Spiritualist church - he looked around and then said to me 'I will be back to you in a bit love, your boys want a word!!!!!!!' I almost passed out

He said 'I have two boys here, one of them passed recently. The boy says 'Mam (Matty always called me that) it never hurt me, it was as fast as this......then the medium tried to click his fingers and said that he couldn't do it. Matty tried to learn how to click his fingers but could never master it. He then said 'when I got here my big brother was waiting for me.' The medium said he could see a tiny white coffin and a larger pine one. He said that Matty had brought us tears of joy and laughter and was sorry that he had brought us tears of sadness.

He knew exactly everything we had put in the coffin. Things that only very closest family knew about. He mentioned the Russian dolls my mum had put in (Matty wasn't allowed to play with them here because they were so expensive) and the football medal from his grandparents. The model red porsche car that my brother brought him and then the Medium said 'Why is there a giant lump of glass in the coffin?' That decided me that, somehow, the medium was for real.

Matty found a solid lump of glass - he thought it was a diamond....he came running home with it and said 'Mam, me has got a diamond, when Im a big lad I will sell it and give you all the money'

Hi Ladies

I too participated of too much wine last, at the time it seemed to help but today I feel worse than ever. DH and I did get tearful at the end of the night, he kind of broke down and said that he has to be strong for me but he is aching inside.

Caz We're going to a wedding next week. On the one hand, I'm looking forward to it but then I feel guilty about it. I just want to scream how unfair this is, whilst shopping yesterday I passed baby after baby, and all I could think was why didn't my baby make it? I feel like I'm going to explode when I hear about people who are pregnant or have had babies recently, I'm so bitter and resentful.

Up until now I would have said I don't believe in God or an afterlife, now I am desperate to believe in something cos I want to think Malachy is somewhere safe and being looked after. I guess this makes me a complete hypocrite but I don't care. At the chapel of rest the funeral director had put a statue of Jesus in the room to 'watch over him'. I would normally scoff at this but I found it the most comforting thing.

Sorry, Just feel I need to off load x

Hi ladies, am bookmarking as I have been v busy and am knackered

Will catch-up on the thread and resume normal service tomorrow.

Much love to us all xxx

thats a nice post lf... its lovely when you get support. And sometimes it comes from the most unexpected source

anyway .. you cant kid me your are ironing.. you are watching jeremy clarkson tear around in a maserati!!!!! I am all knowing

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Yup - a shit day just about covers it, nothing has lifted me from my mood. On facebook earlier and of course an album full of pictures of the new baby appears on the news feed - further adding to the fuel of "ha look what you weren't able to do". Of course they should be able to show off their new baby, but it just pissed me off - reminding me again of how we've lost everything. I can't put pictures of my beautiful girl on facebook, I can't openly show everyone just how pretty and perfect she was - because photos of a dead baby will make everyone else uncomfortable and somehow doesn't feel like the appropriate thing to do. Even though I'm dying to show her off - she's my beautiful Belle. I'm really pissed off today - of course I would never wish bad things on anyone, and I know they aren't actively rubbing my nose in their happiness, but thats how it feels today.

Minione - As you can see I'm feeling bitter, resentful and angry much of the time at the moment - I don't want to hear how sorry people are anymore, I'm sick of hearing it, I know its the thing to say, and I would say the same if it wasn't me - but it doesn't change anything, it doesn't bring her back. I do however completely 100% believe our babies are safe with Jesus. Clinging to that is about the only hope I seem to have at the moment. Maybe ironically, God is the only thing I'm not angry at.

I'm worried about DH, I too think he is trying to be strong. He seems really quiet and doesn't say too much, he listens to me rant and rave and holds me while I cry - I see his eyes fill with tears but he hasn't let any out for a what feels a long time now. I can feel he is hurting but its like he's afraid to show it too much. He's also put off going back to work by another two days - so he's not going until Wednesday. Because of this I'm worried he's not ready, its not like him to put things off - it seems really unfair that I can have until March or longer off on maternity leave yet he has to face it now unless he goes on the sick - and he is reluctant to do that cuz it looks bad on paper and he's working towards a promotion.

I'm hurting a lot today, I want to be Anabelle's Mummy - I hope tomorrow is better.