the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

You're spot on - I've plummetted today from coping absolutely ok to right at the bottom of the pit in less than an hour and a half - it's not even lunch time and i have already used up today's quota of emotional energy - gonna be an interesting afternoon! xx

I better get going to pick Lew up - thank God its Friday....I feel a small drink or two is calling me tonight at Chelles.

I will be by your side this afternoon PPM - in spirit, if you feel yourself fading I will virtually kick you up the bum LOL.

Will be back soon, once I have walked the 2 mile round trip for the Lewmeister!!! xxxxx

Cheers Shabs, much appreciated xx Have a nice large one for me . Give your lovely Lew a hug from me too x

Zeno - That sounds like such a hard situation, I cant imagine how you coped with the grief and a newborn. I cant really offer any words of wisdom, its beyond me; but I think you've done amazingly. I dont know how I will cope with my future children (God willing) asking about Archie. Another bridge to cross when we get there I guess.... great(!)

Sassy - I am so sorry. Its a hard, hard situation. I understand what you mean about it being hard on you..

PPM - I have sudden descents into black too. I had one about an hour ago in fact, an had to run to the loos at work for 20 minutes. I always feel like I've suddenly walked into a dark room, all black, and can't find my way out; just surrounded in darkness. It passes though, after a time. I find the playground a minefield too sometimes. Sending you hugs and strength through the wires

Shabba - Thank you so much . Archie and Izzy are gorgeous, I am very lucky. I just had another sneaky peek at your pics too, such handsome boys, I love their cheeky grins . I am so sorry for your friends loss; I don't understand the world anymore. Give her a kiss from me. Your house sounds like my mums, in terms of chaos at least I love it, cant bear silence anymore.

xxx

Thanks Abi - my DH suggested both of her names and I loved them too and ordered them. Who would've thought he had such a way with pretty girls names! Many congratulations on your pregnancy btw.

I hope we feel strong and brave enough to try again one day, I just can't imagine getting to that point, but the fact that I've even had that thought now has made me feel incredibly guilty - almost like I'm betraying Belle for even daring to think of a future. I can't get my head around that she'll never be with me, not on this earth anyway. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm wishing today I wasn't feeling this neutral and numbness - I want to bloody scream at someone, but I just can't find the energy.

Midwife made her last visit today (hopefully) and took more blood from me to check the infection has gone and I don't need more antibiotics. I hope they come back ok because at the moment I really don't want anymore visits from MW's or health visitors. Its almost like my nose is being rubbed in it - of course they are lovely and sympathetic and they are there to help, but I can't help feeling they would only normally be coming to check on my newborn. I need some space from the health professionals now.

PPM Wishing you strength for today and the weekend.

I'm feeling tired today, might go for a lie down.

Men can surprise you sometimes with their talent at picking names - James picked Archie, and has suggested Seraphine (Seffi) if we have a girl, which I love. I like the association with serenity and calm.

Oh I am 100% with you on the guilt of wanting another baby. When I started TTC it was a (for right or wrong) kneejerk reaction to losing Arch, and when I actually got a BFP I was overjoyed, then near hysterical. I took Archies blue snuggly snow suit and held it and talked to him/it for ages, explaining that I wasn't happy because I was replacing him, etc... Its a complete headfuck to be honest, pardon the language! You're not betraying your gorgeous Belle for wanting a family, you're giving her even more people who will love her, and treasure the memories of her. She'll always be your first born, and nothing will change that. I am so rubbish with words today, but I hope you know what I mean.

Have a lie down lovely, xx

I often wonder if Gareth and Danny had both survived would there have been a Matt (2 and a half years later)....if Matt had survived would there have been a Tom?????

Headfuck is the exact expression for it AbiAbi.

Thats it isnt it Shabs, we can only play the cards we've been dealt, IYKWIM. None of us know what will happen and we just have to roll with it and do the best we can. I believe in fate quite strongly, BUT I have trouble understanding it these days I believe each of your boys was sent to you for a reason.

Zeno thanks, didnt know whether swearing was allowed on this thread or not! x

Abi ROFL - oh we do all sorts on here

Im off out to my friends tonight - have spent all week helping Tom to revise for exams so........tonight I AM OUT!! with Tom of course!! If I am able to I will come on when I get home and tell you all how much I love you LOL.....I have been known to do that once or twice

Have a drink, or seven, for me Shabs xxxx

Lucky you shabs i have awful work,.... hve a couple f drinks for me tll i finish and can take over please x

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Lunatic - So sorry to hear of your Daisy too - it is heartbreaking how many people here are grieving and there is so much loss. Please tell me if I'm prying to close, and don't feel you have to tell me, but what explanation were you given in the end? You say you knew what had happened? We decided not to have a post-mortom because we couldn't bare the thought of them cutting into our tiny and perfect baby. We were fully aware that this decision may mean we'll never know what happened.

We've been told we will be sent a letter with an appointment date to discuss any results from the bloods, swabs and placenta in approx 4 weeks from now. I'm terrified that they'll say there was a chromosomal abnormality that might happen again or some horrible infection or virus that I could've prevented, but equally terrified that there'll be no reason.

Belle was 32+4 so our situations are so simular. I'd had a midwife appointment the day before, and everything checked out fine, I'd felt her that morning, not great kicks, but little movementsm but from the appointment onwards she went really quiet again. We had a heartbeat monitor at home (I know midwifes hate them) and we listened to her before bed and she was definatetly there, I checked again in the morning because I still hadn't felt her and couldn't find her on the monitor, that's when I panicked and rang the hospital, thinking/hoping/praying I was just in a state and thats why I couldn't find her - but obviously the scan showed what I already knew deep down before we got there, mothers intuition maybe, so I know she went to sleep sometime over night. How could so much change in less that 24 hours?? Why? It is so unfair.

We also left a photo of me, DH and Belle together in her casket with her - the same one we've now put up in the living room.

Today has been a bad day; I went for a lie down after my last post and didn't resurface from bed until nearly 7pm this evening, DH tried to get me up about 4pm and I just couldn't face it, led there feeling sorry for myself, my chest aching, under a black cloud and feeling so physically empty...my baby is gone, yet she is supposed to still be growing, I just want to be her Mummy and look after her.

I've eaten some tea since getting up and drunk two glasses of wine and its gone straight to my head. I sorta feel like someone needs to kick me up the arse and tell me to pull myself together.

On a positive note my blood taken today has already come back, MW phoned late afternoon and left a message and everything has come back fine. So no more antibiotics and no more visits from anyone - just some space now.

Morning girls LOL - Im home!!!

Feel a little drunk but not too much. Will read more in the morning.

I LOVE ALL OF YOU.....told you I would say it!!

xxxxxxxx

I posted rather late on the June antenatal thread for Niamh but not sure woollyjo will see it.

Sorry I was late, but thinking of you on Niamh's birthday.

Morning girls xx

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Morning all.

Have been making careless errors in my work this week due to being in a blue funk re dd. Part of me wants to explain to my line manager why it's happening and that I'm not just a flaky eejit. On the other hand, I feel I ought to accept that this is me now, that I'm not quite so on the ball as I was. I tried really hard to keep a lid on the blueness, but it would have it's day!

Sassy, dd went into a new children's area of the cemetery and we assumed she would be alone there for a long time. Less than a year on she was joined by a little girl the same age as dd2 who we knew from toddler group. It's a strange thing to have this lasting bond of having your daughters buried next to one another.

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caz - ime I needed time to lay in bed for hours on end and cry, rage and sleep. It gave me the time to get it all out and grieve however I felt like grieving. Then I would get to a point where I would be 'ok, that's enough, get up, get washed and go for a walk.' But then if the next day I needed to stay in bed again, then I did. Then very very gradually the gaps between taking to my bed got longer and longer.

I think what I'm trying to say is, do what you need to do, there is no right and wrong. You will find your own way through your grief.

sassy - I meant to say that C was my firstborn (as was TW's H) as well, and our other children were born after our firstborns had died. So if you ever want to chat about any questions you have about having more children, then don't be scared to ask - whether that be today or in a years time.

zeno - life does change forever doesn't it? I don't think people appreciate that do they? I know I certainly wouldn't have before C died.

I'm not on facebook Sassy. It stalked me for a while and put me right off.

I think it helps a lot to find a way to feel normal about what has happened. Fellowship is a hugely underrated commodity. People you don't have to try to explain it all to, because they already get it.

The stats remain the same - death in childhood is unlikely and freakish. But hooray - we get to find other people to whom this freakish and unlikely thing has happened, and who are surviving it and living on.