Evening ladies,
PPM - Sounds like you've had a draining weekend and hope you can have a more restful Sunday? Dads can be so wonderful can't they.
Lunatic - thanks so much for sharing with me, it must've been really hard to tell your story again. You sound like you went through so much, to almost lose your life as well as your darling Daisy must be have been doubly frightening and so traumatic. Your experience sounds so simular to my Auntie - she had an abruption at 38 weeks, my cousin died and she almost died from the blood loss. I can't remember all the details as I was only about 13/14 when this happened and was sheltered from a lot of it. I've been thinking of my Auntie and Uncle a lot the last couple of weeks and I know us losing Belle has brought it all back fresh for them again - they have been excellent to us though and I find it really comforting that they truly understand where we are at the moment. The first funeral I attended was my cousins, and I've never forgotten that tiny casket, I just never thought I'd be facing another one - and my own tiny casket one day.
I can't fault the health professionals, hospital, MW, HV and GP offering lots of services and support - but I just feel I want a bit of space now, I've seen so many people in the last couple weeks with this infection and generally checking on me. They have all said I can ring/see them anytime, so we'll see how we go for a bit now. I think my next hurdle will be DH going back to work - a week Monday (12th), I'm already getting worked up about it and don't feel remotely ready to be on my own for 9 hours a day. I'm sure I'm only 'coping' at the moment because he's with me. HV said I can ring and arrange a visit for that day if I want too.
Today has been ok - we've kept busy all day 'distracting' ourselves - me and DH decided to go into Cardiff for a bit and ended up meeting 2 of our closest friends (from my uni) for a little while, decided after that we still didn't want to go back home quite yet so met our best man and gf in a beer garden for a few hours. They were all really good with us, particular friends I knew there would be no awkwardness with which is why we met with them, we were able to talk quite openly about Belle and told them to never be afraid to talk about her or to become a taboo subject, because although she wasn't known by many she was a part of us, was here, did exist and is our daughter.
The pub however might not have been the greatest of plans as after 2 glasses of wine and an archers and lemonade in the sun I needed to come home to bed for a sleep, and haven't long woken up - I wonder how many hours through the night I'll be awake now. We both felt the 'keeping busy, out the house and distracting ourselves' plan has been helpful for today though, I think we both found being able to talk about her and whats happened to our best friends helpful today too - we hadn't seen them other than the funeral since we had found out she'd died, its the first time we've attempted socialising and have otherwise been avoiding people who aren't our parents. (For the first few days, until I'd given birth I refused even see my inlaws)
I'm sure there will be other people in our lives though where we will become the 'elephant in the room' some of you have described for a while/forever and all mention of Belle/pregnancy/babies will be completely avoided around us.
My HV hit the nail on the head - our culture don't deal very well with grief as a society, we're expected to have a stiff upper lip, its a taboo subject, we don't talk about death too much. I guess that is so inbred in us because while we were out today I held it together, I smiled outwardly, I did all the things that are expected of me in public, I didn't burst into tears or panic on the outside - but all the while thinking, you people have no idea, inwardly I'm breaking apart but still able to keep up the face for the general public of the world.
I keep getting messages from people saying that we're being very strong - but that's because they haven't been allowed to see it any other way, they don't see us when the door has closed and we're at home. What else am I supposed to say when people keep asking "how are you doing at the moment?" - I just say 'ok I guess' - because saying 'how do you bloody think we are doing, we buried our baby girl Monday, we're doing shit, the world is blurry, we're struggling to remember what day of the week it is, and our hearts feels like it is quite literally breaking and it hurts to even breathe sometimes' is only going to make people feel awkward isn't it, and I suppose they are only trying to show their concern when they ask. I guess we just live in a country where everyone sweeps grief, loss and feelings under the carpet and there are lots of elephants.
I'll sign off now and stop thinking aloud. Night all.